The Publicist Book One and Two (5 page)

Chapter Ten

Kate arrived earlier in the office than usual. No one else was there except Edward, who was on a conference call behind his semi-closed door, no doubt haggling with MD’s French division about lack of sales in the European market.

In an average year, Kate worked on around one hundred books, all of them written by authors eager to see success beyond their wildest dreams. Given the number of books published each day, it was often a full time job just managing an author’s expectations. These days, many of the MD books got a “stock” publicity campaign, which generally wasn’t what Kate would have prescribed. But, in most cases, she didn’t have a choice. Kate supported three of MD’s editors: Mac, Tracy Sloan, and Bernard Gould. Bernard, or Bernie as he preferred to be called, was known to get the bottom of the book barrel. Although he never referred to himself as a bottom-dweller, he insisted he got the best of the ones no one else wanted. His books often got little if any publicity, but when they did, Bernie treated each of them like they were his own personal kingdoms. Lavishing attention on the authors, spoiling them rotten, and mismanaging their expectations to the point that when Kate finally got a hold of them, they were so starry-eyed it took her weeks and several reality checks to bring them back down to earth.

She tried talking to Bernie about this, but he’d never listen. He was just thrilled to have the authors, as dysfunctional as they might be. When he would hand Kate another book that warranted more of her attention than just a book review mailing, he would smile and say, “Our publishing cup runneth over.” Bernie’s line was legendary at MD, but not in a good way. He was the kind of man who thought he was more significant in publishing than he really was. If there was an event around a publishing launch, book party, or chic author event, you could count on Bernie being there. At parties, he would be talking to one guest while scanning the crowd for some other, more significant person he needed to sidle up to.

Most of the other staff dismissed Bernie, assuming he must be some distant relative of Edward Sherman or someone who knew where all the skeletons were buried. Sensing this subtle dismissal by his peers made Bernie work even harder to garner the respect of his co-workers. At fifty-four, balding, and still single (rumors persisted that he was gay), he lived for any kind of professional validation.

Kate’s plate was full this week thanks to a new “Bernie book” as they were called. This title was as far towards what Kate considered the bottom of the barrel as they could get, based on a twenty-five year old television show called
Thugs
. The book did not have success written all over it, but Bernie wanted every ounce of her muscle put behind it.
Airing in the mid-seventies,
Thugs
was based on a married couple that had spent their lives
à
la Bonnie and Clyde with a list of small, petty crimes on their record. One day, they turned state’s evidence after witnessing a murder of a high-profile crime boss and were later recruited to join the police force. They teamed up for five seasons, fighting crime as well as their sordid past. At the end of what everyone thought was the run of the series, the show’s creator, Phil Janssen, decided to kill off the husband, thereby ending the show—or so everyone thought. Phil went to the studio head and pitched them a new version of the show. During a time when the studio’s desperately needed new shows, Phil knew his idea would at least get heard. It was a wild shot in the dark, but these types of risks were what he was known for. He pitched them a show wherein the widow would come back and be partnered with a woman. Phil envisioned an edgy show that dealt with women’s issues, crime fighting, and a bitter partner who was getting over the death of her husband and desperately needed to bury herself in her work. At first, the show idea was dismissed. The only female cop anyone had ever seen was Angie Dickinson, and despite the show’s success, studio execs weren’t known to be risk takers. But Phil kept pushing, and finally he got their approval. The show, now renamed
Criminal Pursuit
, ran for another seven seasons and dealt with all sorts of issues including women’s rights in the workplace and sexual discrimination.

The show starred two up-and-coming actresses: Leslie Warren, who was part of the original husband/wife team, and Melanie Brooks, who filled the bill of the sassy, single sidekick very well. Together, they were a strong duo with loads of chemistry and a show high profile enough to capture at least a biweekly mention in the trades. After
Criminal Pursuit
was canceled, the women went their separate ways. It was rumored that Melanie was gay, but her sexual exploits with male producers, co-stars, and the occasional studio head quickly squelched those rumors. Leslie was the polar opposite. She was married with three small children at home and a solid career divided between Hollywood and Broadway. The women drifted apart after the show ended. But now, twenty-five years after the groundbreaking program had aired, the studio that now owned the old episodes planned to release them to the public on DVD in a newly formatted edition. Phil was thrilled that his old show was being given this opportunity. He hadn’t done much since
Criminal Pursuit
had ended, and he longed to relive his Hollywood heydays. When Phil got word that the show was being put out on DVD, he quickly went to work writing his memoirs, calling it
Criminal Pursuit: The Show, the Women, the Legend
. When MD signed Phil, Edward wanted to change the name. He remembered the show but felt the term “legend” was a bit off the mark. Phil threatened to pull the book if the title was changed, and since one of MD’s largest shareholders was Phil’s nephew, Edward gave in and gave the book to Bernie, figuring Mac would walk if he gave him a title that could very well sink into obscurity.

When Kate heard about this book, she rolled her eyes. The biggest problem with a twenty-five year old show is that those who remembered it didn’t care, and those who could be prime buying markets wouldn’t know the show from Adam. Because of a syndication deal gone bad, the show was pulled out of circulation years ago. So, unlike a
Lucy
episode or
Gilligan’s Island
, you couldn’t find it anywhere—not even on
YouTube
. Kate knew this wouldn’t bode well for the book, so she decided to make the focus less on the show and more on the message of the show: Women in the workplace. After considerable hours watching the old episodes, Kate discovered that many of the issues still facing women today were ones the show dealt with. It wasn’t a huge hook but it would be a good start. The next thing Kate had to do was coordinate with the studio,
Central Broadcasting Company
(
CBC
), to make sure the timing for the DVD release and book were in sync. Dealing with the studio had been a nightmare. The seemingly twelve-year-old they assigned to this project had no clue what he was doing, and Kate had flown out to Los Angeles more times than she cared to remember to discuss the bicoastal launch and pairing of the book and DVD. Bernie was nowhere to be found during this process, something that didn’t surprise Kate a bit. He was usually conveniently “unavailable” once the book headed to the PR department.

Kate’s focus this week was on the Los Angeles premiere, followed by a party hosted at the Museum of Television and Arts in Beverly Hills. The red carpet event was going to be covered by all the major networks, a feat Kate wasn’t sure how she had managed to pull off.

During her first round of calls with the TV stations, most of the reactions she’d gotten from the producers were, “What’s
Criminal Pursuit
?” It had been a long project, and one Kate wouldn’t be sorry to see come to an end. On the heels of the Los Angeles premiere, the group would fly to New York in time for the DVD release where they would appear on
Good Morning America
,
CNN Showbiz Tonight
,
Ellen DeGeneres,
and several others. It was going to be a packed two weeks. Kate hoped she was ready.

Thus far in the process, Kate had only met Phil, but she’d done enough research on the two women to know who they were, what they liked, and what to be prepared for. Phil lived in Florida with his assistant of thirty years, Myrna. Leslie and her family lived in New York but spent summers in San Diego, and Melanie still lived in Beverly Hills, and, it was rumored, had turned her attention to young men. Very young men. It was also rumored that she had a drinking problem. The only time she had appeared in the news in the last ten years was when the Beverly Hills police found her running down Rodeo Drive, completely naked. Melanie insisted she was acting on a dare, but the tox screen showed high levels of pills and booze in her bloodstream. Kate was preparing herself for anything. Touring with aging actresses—one of whom was an alcoholic, a former producer who was more arrogant than anyone she’d ever met before in her life, and a yet-to-be-met assistant who found it impossible to write a single email that wasn’t in all-caps made her head pound. For good measure, Kate packed an extra bottle of aspirin before she headed to JFK.

Chapter Eleven

“We’re here with the legendary police duo, Melanie Brooks and Leslie Warren.” A reporter from
Entertainment Tonight
was flashing a capped-tooth smile at the camera and preparing for the big interview—the one they’d been waiting on all day. The one that had Kate getting the women in make-up and hair at the ungodly hour of four a.m.

Behind her, the interview droned on as Kate double-checked the schedule for the day. They had the
Entertainment Tonight
piece that would be filmed in four separate segments so that it could be shown over four nights. Then they were doing some
Associated Press
pieces and a few UK channels since the show was still in syndication in England. The entire time since she’d stepped off the plane in Los Angeles, she had been consumed with the details of the red carpet event that night. The following day, they were off to New York for a series of interviews and the big book and DVD signing at Wassermann’s, one of the biggest independent bookstores on the East Coast. Phil had insisted that they have the event there. Despite Wassermann’s hesitation that a twenty-five year old show could draw attention, they’d finally agreed, thanks largely to Kate’s insistence that they host this event along with her promise to help them draw a crowd. It was a promise she hoped she could keep. Book signings were often that way—you planned them and prayed for people.

“What the fuck are you doing?” It was Myrna—Phil’s assistant who couldn’t type an email that wasn’t in all caps and couldn’t say a single sentence without cussing or making some other vile statement.

“Myrna, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kate said without lifting her eyes off the schedule. After nearly a full day of Myrna’s verbal abuse, Kate was almost used to her digs, but her raspy voice still sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

“You let the fucking makeup people go? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I let them go because the show has their own people; they should be here in ten minutes.” Kate continued to study the schedule, refusing to look up or acknowledge Myrna with eye contact.

“Ten minutes? Do you have any fucking clue how long ten minutes is if these women need a touch up? Why the hell did you do that? Let our makeup people go?”

Finally Kate pulled her gaze off the schedule. “We just can’t keep two sets of makeup people on the payroll, Myrna. It doesn’t work that way.”

Myrna cocked her head; her hair dyed a brassy blond that only served to accentuate her already too-tanned face. Kate guessed Myrna to be nearing seventy and someone who arguably spent one too many days in the sun. She had darting eyes on a face that looked like wrinkly leather, with a mouth that spewed nothing but wildly inappropriate language. She was also a hanger-on, a groupie that had gotten lucky when she landed a job as Phil’s assistant years ago. Now she had no other life outside of a show that had been off the air for nearly thirty years and an aging producer whose time in the industry had long since passed.

“What the hell do you mean, ‘It doesn’t work that way’? Is this piece of shit publisher getting cheap on us? Looks like I’m gonna have to talk to Phil!” she said, stomping off.

That was Myrna’s catch phrase for everything she didn’t like. She would “tell Phil” in the hopes it would make people change their mind or do whatever she demanded. Myrna loved playing the Phil-card and mistakenly believed that he still had the same clout he did twenty years ago. But things change, and Myrna clearly hadn’t gotten the memo. Yes, Phil was the author. But when it came to changing something that would affect a publisher’s budget—even a small item like a makeup person—she was in way over her head. If Kate went to Edward and said, “Sorry Ed, but these über-important celebs couldn’t wait ten minutes to get their lipstick touched up,” he would fall out of his chair laughing. Then he’d probably fire her, or worse, give her a lifetime of working with B- or C-list celebrities. Just then, the studio’s makeup person walked in and Kate considered the issue resolved, despite the fact that she could see vile-mouthed Myrna off in the corner rambling to Phil about God-knows-what-else. She was certain at this point she’d given Myrna loads to complain about. Good. At least it kept her busy and out of her hair. Just then her phone vibrated in her purse.

“Hello?”

“Hey, California girl. How’s it going?” It was Mac, and for whatever reason, Kate was really glad to hear his voice. She looked around and saw that they were still setting up for the next interview; no one would notice she was gone. Quietly, Kate slipped out of the side door of the studio and headed down the hall outside.

“Hang on,” she said to Mac in a whisper.

“You bet, Katie. So, you getting a tan?” Kate smiled, Mac knew the answer to that question, and he also knew that from the minute she landed she probably didn’t have a single moment to herself.

“Yeah, Mac, you caught me on the beach.” She chuckled once she was outside. The California sun felt warm and tempting. For a half a second, she considered hopping in a cab and heading to Santa Monica beach for the afternoon, but Mac’s voice quickly brought her back to reality.

“So, how’s everything going there?”

“I hate celebrities,” Kate said.

Mac chuckled. “We all do, Katie, but we tolerate them because at some level they do sell books.”

“Not the B-listers.”

“You worried about this?” he said, genuinely concerned.

“I’ve never felt right about it, and I think Bernie severely screwed up their expectations again. I think this guy really believes he’s gonna hit the list,” she said, referring to
The
New York Times
Best Seller list.

“Well, Bernie needs to set him straight; that isn’t your job, Katie. You’re the publicity, not a magician, and if Bernie’s given another author delusions of grandeur, he needs to be talked to. Do you want me to handle this?”

“No, Mac. It’s fine, really. Day after tomorrow, we head back to the city and then in a few days we’re done. From there Bernie can handle the fallout of a non-selling book.”

“Is he there?” Mac said, asking a question he already knew the answer to.

“Of course not, Mac, but I’m betting he’ll be here for the red carpet event tomorrow.”

Kate could hear Mac sigh on the other end of the phone. “Yeah, that’s probably true. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on your own.”

“Hey, it’s fine. I’m Super Publicist, remember? If I can talk someone down off of a building, I can handle these mangled B-lister expectations.”

It was the first time Mac had heard Kate joke about the near jump Haley did. He was glad she was finally moving past it.

“Listen, Kate, I called because we need to go to Seattle next week and meet with this author. I was hoping we could leave on Tuesday. What’s your week like?”

“Hang on.” Kate fumbled with her phone, checking her schedule. “It looks fine, but you might also want to check with Lulu and make sure nothing got added that didn’t sync to this thing yet.” Lulu was a publicist hopeful who aspired to have her own books one day, though for now she supported the team and handled much of the scheduling for the more senior publicity people. She also knew instinctively when Kate needed a shot of caffeine and would often surprise her with a steaming latte at just the right moment.

“Great, I’ll check with Lu. So, you’re sure you’re going to be okay out there?”

“Yeah, Mac, I’ll be fine. I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Sounds good, Katie, knock ’em dead.” The line went dead. Kate shoved the phone back in its case and turned to head inside.

“You taking a fucking break,
again
?”

Kate jumped at Myrna’s voice. Of course, the vile witch would know she was missing. Kate walked past the aging wannabe, ignoring her screeching voice, and headed back inside.

…

The red carpet event was a huge success. Despite the fact that Phil hadn’t worked in the industry for a number of years, he still had a lot of friends—most of them also B-listers, but Kate didn’t care. It filled a room and kept the hum of conversation at an exciting peak. Bernie was there, of course. As predicted, he had shown up in time to walk the red carpet and smile for the cameras. Kate spotted him inside elbowing his way to another guest as he scanned the room for more people he needed to hob-nob with.