The Promises We Keep (Made for Love Book 1) (20 page)

“
She kicked me out,
”
he replies feebly.

“
That may be so, but that doesn
’
t make her need for you any less.
”

He doesn
’
t respond, but it doesn
’
t bother me. I know now that it
’
s time for me to go. I
’
ve received my answers and I need to go check on Addie. I stand and squeeze his shoulder before heading for the door. Sonny, who is still positioned as gate keeper, offers me a sad smile when our eyes meet.

“
I
’
ll walk you up,
”
he says, opening the door for me.

I nod as I cross the threshold. We climb the stairs to my apartment quietly, somberly, and before we reach the front door, my eyes are blurry with tears and my chest is constricted by a cry that I
’
m not sure I want to let out.

“
Hey, are you okay?
”

I nod, but I convince neither myself nor Sonny. I stop a few feet from our destination and cover my eyes with my hands as I start to cry. I hate it that I can
’
t stop myself.
Do I have the right to be upset? This isn
’
t even my relationship.

“
Just because it
’
s not your relationship doesn
’
t mean that it doesn
’
t break your heart, too,
”
says Sonny as he pulls me into his arms. It
’
s then that I realize that I must have spoken my thoughts out loud.
“
I
’
d be lying if I said this whole thing didn
’
t scare the hell out of me, too,
”
he continues.

“
Really?
”
I whimper, wrapping my arms around him to return his embrace. His warmth helps to sooth me.

“
Yeah. I mean, it kind of feels like an alternate reality, doesn
’
t it? With Beck and Addie breaking up and Jack and Claire getting engaged? No offense to them, but
—”

“
I understand what you mean,
”
I assure him.

“
It
’
s not forever.
”
I
’
m startled out of Grayson
’
s arms at the sound of Beckham
’
s voice. I wipe my tears away, suddenly feeling guilty as I
’
m caught in the act of crying over a broken relationship that belongs to him and not me.
“
May I?
”
he asks, pointing toward the door.

“
Please,
”
I insist, taking another step away from Grayson so that he might pass.

I watch as he slowly enters the apartment, Sonny and me following him in. Addison is still curled up on the couch, her back to the door. Sarah, who sits on the arm of the couch, looks up as Hammy heads directly for Addie. He doesn
’
t hesitate when he reaches her, but scoops her up into his arms and cradles her against his chest. Her hands clasp together around him and she buries her face in his neck as he kisses her temple and whispers something only she can hear. We all watch as he carries her to her room, shutting the door behind them.

I don
’
t know how much time passes as we lay stretched out on her bed, holding each other, neither of us speaking a word. She
’
s no longer crying, cluing me into the fact that she
’
s trying to remain calm long enough to understand what it is that I
’
m trying to do. I
’
m content to let her process, prepared to wait indefinitely for her to be ready to continue an open dialogue. Even if she isn
’
t able to fully understand, which I can accept, we need to at least be on the same page about what will become of us moving forward.

When she clears her throat, I
’
m pulled from my thoughts. She shifts in my arms so that she can look into my eyes. Her lips move but nothing comes out and she has to clear her throat again. My heart breaks, knowing that her tears have robbed her of her voice
—
and
I
’
m
the cause of her tears.

“
How long?
”
she manages.

“
I don
’
t know. A few months? A year?
”
I answer honestly. Her eyes well up once more.
“
I know that answer sucks, but I don
’
t know.
”
She nods and a tear spills down her cheek.
“
I have been praying about this, you know that, right?
”

Her chin dips in another nod.
“
I believe that. But Beck
—”
her voice hitches as she chokes back her emotions,
“
what happens when we grow apart? A year? We
’
ll be strangers
…
our lives will be headed in different directions by then.
”

“
No,
”
I insist, placing my hand against her cheek. I stare into her eyes, exploring her rich brown irises while I try to convey the gravity of my conviction.
“
Never. We will
never
be strangers. No matter what happens. That
’
s not the point of all this.
”

She positions her hand over mine, pressing my palm urgently against her face.
“
I
’
m having such a hard time understanding the point.
”

I
’
m unable to stop my eyes from closing. The pain I see in her face fills me with doubt.
Am I making a mistake? Will I lose her? God
—
help me
.
“
Every day that goes by that we
’
re not engaged, my heart grows a little heavier,
”
I begin, digging for words.
“
I know it
’
s what you want. I know you
’
re ready to start planning our future. I love you for being so certain about me
—
about us.
”
I open my eyes and find hers once more.
“
But thinking about the future
—
the
details
…
it freaks me out. While I keep pushing the idea farther and farther away, you keep pulling it closer and closer and I just
—
I can
’
t do this to you. I can
’
t do this to myself
—
I can
’
t keep fighting this battle. I
’
m not strong enough.
”

“
So this is my fault? You think I
’
m pressuring you?
”
she whispers, anguish pulling at her brow.

“
No, baby
—
no
. I
’
m just not ready. I know I sound like a broken record, but that
’
s it. That
’
s the truth. I truly believe, from the bottom of my heart, that I just need room to
…
grow
, I guess. I need room to let God do what He
’
s got to do with my heart to prepare me for the future
—
our
future.
”

“
Our future.
”
She repeats my words, as if they will bring her strength.
“
Our
future.
”

“
Yes.
”

She inhales deeply and exhales slowly, moving her hand to cover my cheek.
“
Can I still talk to you?
”

“
What?
”
I blurt out, my heartbeat suddenly accelerating with panic.
“
Of course
. This is going to be the hardest thing I
’
ve ever done, I can
’
t imagine not being able to talk to you on top of everything else. I mean, we need boundaries, for sure
—
but we can be friends.
”

“
Friends.
”
She speaks the word as if it tastes sour in her mouth.

“
It
’
s not ideal, I know. Maybe it
’
s selfish of me to ask, but
—”

“
Friends,
”
she interrupts as another tear frees itself down the side of her face.
“
I
’
ll take what I can get.
”

“
Addison
—”

“
A part of me, a small part of me, recognizes that you
’
re doing this out of love. Another part of me, a
bigger
part of me, is scared
—
I
’
m
so scared,
Beckham. And what sucks is there
’
s nothing you can do about it. Nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I have so many questions and you have no answers and I get it,
”
she coughs out a humorless laugh.
“
I get it that your lack of answers is why we
’
re breaking up right now
…
which makes me even more scared.
”

“
Babe, I need you to trust me.
”
I slide my hand down her back and around her waist, pulling her closer. She clings to me in response and I lean my head forward to press my forehead against hers.
“
Trust me
. Trust the God who guides me.
”

“
Okay,
”
she whimpers.

I bring my lips to hers and kiss her lightly.
“
I love you. So much.
”

“
I know,
”
she says, her lips grazing mine.
“
I love you, too.
”

I kiss her again. Unlike the passionate and desperate kiss we shared in the heated moment we fought our way through earlier, this one is slow and sensual
—
this one is melancholy, drenched with
goodbye.

When I pull away, she snuggles against my chest and I rest my chin on top of her head. I know I should leave soon; I know that the longer I stay, the harder it will be to follow through with this plan
…
but I don
’
t want to let her go. Not yet.
“
Do you mind if I just hold you for a while longer?
”

“
Please do,
”
she replies. So I stay, leaving only after she drifts into a soundless sleep.