The Price of Falling (26 page)
I used the pay phone to call Aaron at work and keep tabs on things. I'd officially left him in charge if anything went wrong but I worried about not being there. Then I called Alicia's college and updated them. I also called Maria, who had started cleaning my apartment. Since Alicia had moved in to live I'd been surprised by the mess in the restroom and the kitchen, so when I'd been grocery shopping and Maria mentioned she cleaned apartments for people during the day I jumped at the chance of hiring her. She knew me and Alicia anyway, and it was nice to have a maternal figure around. I paid her more than she asked for, and often she would bring over home cooked dinners for us to eat.
We'd left New York in such a hurry Maria must have wondered where we'd gone. She had a key for the apartment and said she would clean out the refrigerator for me and wished my family well. I thanked her but I really had no idea how our family was going to deal with this. I'd been excluded from them for so long. My family now was Alicia.
Whatever Mom decided to do was up to her.
That evening I drove Alicia home and picked up Mom, dropping her back at the hospital so she could sleep there with Dad. She didn't say much on the drive. Neither did I.
When I got back to the house I poured a large glass of expensive whiskey from Dad's liquor cabinet. He'd sure be angry if he knew, I thought. Maybe that's why I felt like doing it.
That, or wanting to quell the bad mood lingering inside me. I sat on the sofa with Alicia as she watched a film. The phone rang halfway through and she answered it. Judging by the tone of her voice from down the hall I figured it was Will who'd called her. He was obviously concerned, which was good of him. After ten minutes she came to sit back down.
‘He must care about you a lot,’ I mentioned.
Alicia smiled at me, like she always did when talking about Will. ‘Yeah, he's great. He told me he loved me already.’
‘Really?’ I was surprised. ‘Do you feel the same?’
She smiled as she nodded slowly. ‘I always thought I was different,’ she explained. ‘I'd never really liked anyone before, unlike all my friends. Then when I met him... I just knew.’
I smiled absently to agree with her but the smile never reached my eyes.
‘That's something special right there,’ I said, focusing back on my glass, only half full of whiskey. Maybe it was the alcohol talking but I suddenly felt a need to share my wisdom with her.
‘You hang onto him, Alicia,’ I told her. ‘What you got is special. You should make the most of it while you can.’
‘We do,’ she said quietly. I could feel her looking at me.
‘That's my girl. Here's to you and Will.’ I raised my glass and drained the contents.
‘You shouldn't drink so much.’
I shrugged. ‘I can't sleep here. This helps me sleep.’
‘Why?’ she asked.
‘Because it knocks me out.’
‘No, I mean...’ Alicia paused to find her words. ‘Why can't you sleep?’
I shrugged again, suddenly not wanting to discuss it any further.
‘Who knows?’ I sighed, getting up for a re-fill. I took it up to the spare bedroom I'd been sleeping in. I didn't want to talk or think about anything anymore. It was giving me a headache.
‘Are you alright?’ Alicia asked me the next morning.
We'd quickly settled into a routine of her making the coffee while I made breakfast.
‘Yeah, sure,’ I told her. ‘You hungry? I'll fix some toast.’
She ignored my question as she brewed the coffee. ‘You've been really quiet.’
I glanced at her then looked away. ‘You say I'm always quiet. So what?’
‘Yeah but...you've been better lately. I mean, in New York you've been better. Now you're quiet again.’
I shrugged but didn't answer. I didn't particularly want to get into this right now. I placed bread in the toaster and pretended to be busy.
‘Are you upset about Dad?’ Alicia pressed.
‘Yes, of course,’ I answered, still not looking at her.
‘But?’
‘But, what?’
‘What's wrong?’
‘Nothing!’ I said, looking up at her as I opened the packet of butter. ‘I'm fine.’
Suddenly Alicia bent her head down, her shoulders shook. When I realized she was crying I dropped the butter back on the counter and went over to her.
‘Hey,’ I said softly. ‘It'll be OK, don't worry.’
‘I don't want you to hate me,’ she sobbed into my chest.
‘What? I'd never, why would you think that?’ I almost laughed. ‘What's wrong? Tell me.’
I reached over and picked up a clean wash cloth from the counter and touched it to her face.
‘Now dry those eyes,’ I said, mimicking how Mom used to say it when we'd bawl over something minor like a grazed knee or a spilt ice cream cone.
She smiled at that for a moment, then pressed her lips together in an obvious attempt to stop them quivering.
‘What's up?’ I asked. ‘Whatever it is we can work it out.’
‘I have to tell you something,’ Alicia said quietly. She took the wash cloth and stepped away to hold it under the tap, then patted it on her eyes.
‘Sure,’ I shrugged.
‘I wish everything had been different,’ she said, glancing down. I noticed her hands wringing at the cloth. ‘I knew you were unhappy, I know everything's been really unfair for you. Then lately I could see you've been better but now with Dad, being back here...and what you said last night...I just-’ She heaved in a breath, trying not to sob.
I had no idea why she was so upset. Unless I'd been really depressing to live with and hadn't realized it?
‘Yeah but, I'll be OK,’ I told her. ‘None of it's not your fault.’
Alicia pressed her lips together again. ‘Well, actually... I kinda feel like it is. I've kept this from you and I can't any more. I've never kept anything from you, and I just can't...’
I felt nerves start to clench my stomach.
‘Alicia, you're making me worry. What are you talking about?’
She breathed in a couple of times, then peeked a glance at me. She looked back down again as she explained, ‘There was something I was supposed to give you, and I never did. I only did it because I thought I was helping. I thought it would help you and Dad be alright again.’
‘Well, what is it?’
‘They're upstairs,’ she said. I followed her up to her bedroom. I stood there waiting, feeling nervous but not knowing why as she pulled open a drawer at her dresser and fished something out from the back. She handed me some folded bits of paper, then sat down on her bed, waiting for my reaction.
I frowned with confusion, looking at the papers. I opened one, it looked like a scrap of notebook paper, with some scraggy hand writing. I had no idea what this was all about, and was about to read the short lines when my eyes snapped to the end.
Jason.
The name said Jason. He wrote this? My heart leapt into my throat as I forced my eyes back to the top. It wasn't addressed to anyone, it just said, 'I've moved here with the others. We don't have a phone yet but I'll be here a while. They won't mind if you come stay. Let me know where you are.' It had an address on it, and his name.
That was all it said.
Frantic, I opened another of the papers. The second one simply said 'Let me know where you are,' and the phone number I recognized as his aunt's.
The third one was longer; 'Did you get my last message? I'm sorry I got you in trouble, I gave the money back to your sister. Are you coming back? I've got to leave soon, I can't afford what I was going to do so I'm moving in with the others. You can stay with us if you need to. I'll send you the address.'
I looked back to what must have been the final letter. The address was in Ellwood. There were no dates on these. My hands trembled as I held them. I felt sick.
I looked at Alicia. ‘When?’ I said quietly.
Her eyes were full of tears again. She swallowed before she said, ‘Just after you left he came up to me at school. He asked where you were.’
‘And?’
‘I didn't tell him.’ She looked up at me, her face pleading. ‘You have to understand, I was devastated when you left. I blamed him. I wanted our family back together.’
I took in her words, absorbed them. There was a lot I wanted to say back about that, but it would keep. Right now I only wanted the bare facts.
‘It says here he gave you the money?’
The tears started to roll down her cheeks as she nodded. ‘He came up to me again, with that first note. He wanted me to give it to you...and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to interfere but I thought I was helping. After you left, Dad was so...different. He was angry all the time, he drank more.’
‘Are you saying that's my fault?’ I snapped.
‘No,’ she said, sobbing. ‘I...just want you to know why I didn't pass those on. I was thinking of us.’
‘So what happened to the money?’
‘He came up to me again at school, asked if you'd got the note. We had a bit of an argument. I said if he was sorry at all he should give back all that money you gave him. I knew as soon as Dad said about your college money going missing you'd given it to him, Mike.’
‘I was gonna make it back,’ I defended. ‘I never got a chance though.’
‘He gave most of it back anyway. Almost eighteen hundred dollars.’
‘And what did you do with it?’
Alicia was still crying but trying her hardest not to. Her voice kept breaking though, which made it hard to stay mad. ‘I gave it to Dad,’ she sobbed. ‘I told him that you'd sent it. I thought it would help, but he was still the same.’
‘Yes, he is!’ I agreed, trying not to shout. ‘No matter what I do he'll never get over it. So really, there was no point, was there?’
I turned and left her bedroom, leaving her sobbing. I stormed down the stairs and picked up my wallet and keys from the kitchen. I took out some cash and left it on the kitchen table. When I stalked back through the hall Alicia had come down the stairs. She watched me warily.
‘I've left cash for you,’ I said. ‘It'll be enough to get to the hospital. I'll come by later.’
‘Where are you going?’ she sniffed.
‘Well first, I'm going here,’ I waved the note at her. ‘And then I'll probably go all over town wasting my time, because I'm more than likely too late to do anything now.’
I didn't bother waiting for her reply before I slammed through the front door. I was beyond angry, it took all my control to not shout at her. I could understand her reasoning, to her our family was more important but I didn't appreciate her making decisions for me.
When Aaron had said years ago I should see it as a sign that the whole thing wasn't meant to be, I had agreed with him. I'd assumed Jason would easily forget about me. If I'd known he wanted to stay in contact I would have jumped at the chance. I was jumping now.
As I rushed into Dad's car and gunned the engine like my life depended on it, I felt a little nostalgic. I remembered back to the times I'd often driven all over town looking for Jason. I hoped my bad luck would disappear long enough for me to find out where he was.
