The Power of Forgetting (19 page)

‘Well
done.’

‘Sure thing.’ I
shut my eyes.

‘We saw a flash
of light. There was someone standing near the cliff edge just above
the front… right in front of you. Didn’t you see it?’

I opened my
eyes again. I turned to Marcia. ‘Please Hug me.’ I said. She put
her arms round me. I feel cold. Only the tea feels warm. Cold
logical deductive reasoning…. that is how I do it. Switch off the
fear, and the “what if”. Then I can do the impossible. It’s not
really so. It just takes mental discipline: a really strange state
of mind. I don’t want to talk now. Marcia is hugging me and I can
feel her warmth. The others know how it is. They let Marcia pull up
the slack. I can be off with the fairies as long as I can still do
the job right when I am required. They know not to talk to me now.
Maybe later. I want to lay down, It’s been a knackering few hours.
I can’t at the moment because we’re all crammed in here.

Just then
everyone goes quiet. A deep rumble sounded. Thunder; and quite
near. Maybe the flash is blocked by the rising stone of the rugged
cliff behind us.

But then a
flash and other rumble. Marcia is counting; working out the
distance between one and the other.

‘It’s close.’
she said, ‘Joe. Cut the power.’

We are
immediately plunged into the semidarkness of an early twilight.

Oliver points a
torch into one of the under seat lockers. He swings the small
battery powered lantern onto the surface.

‘How about a
game?’ Joe grins at them all, a pack of cards produced from a
pocket.

‘Poker?’ James
looks amused.

‘Bet how long
the storm will last.’ James suggested.

They play for
favours of an innocent kind. Scribbled on little pieces of paper.
Janey doesn’t play. She writes in her journal; with her knees drawn
up, and her feet tucked in next to Davey.

‘Jared?’

‘What?’

‘Come back.’
Marcia speaks next to my ear.

I stare across
the table; only Joe and Davey are still playing. I didn’t know he
liked to.

Marcia still
has her arms wrapped round me. I’ve leaned into her, so that my
head is resting on her bosom. I drift a little. And she moves
against me, easing herself into a better, more comfortable
position. I feel blank. The rain has eased. There is a glow
emanating from somewhere outside.

‘Jared….
beloved…. I’ll come into your pod later if you ask me to. But just
for now…. Just sit up.’

‘Yes.’ I eased
myself into a sitting position. I felt creased by the confinement.
As well as having a need to pee quite badly.

‘Lights Joe.’
Marcia orders.

There is a
stark feeling, just like when the lights go up at the end of a show
at the cinema. It’s always like this. The rain has almost stopped.
We open up after a few more minutes. The recce reveals that we can
probably get a full camp up and ready in a short time. The ground
is level and well drained. After taking a leak, I stay in the cab
until Joe calls me.

‘Do you want to
eat?’

‘Yes.’

‘I’ll give you
something to help you sleep tonight if you need it later.’

‘Oh.’

‘Talk to me.’
Joe is looking slightly puzzled. On another person the expression
would quickly graduate to irritation.

‘Alright.’

‘More than one
word.’ Joe stares at me with that penetrative look that I can dodge
just as well.

‘Fine. Will
this do?’ I smile and shrug.

‘That’s
better.’ He fiddles with the pack of cards shuffling them expertly,
‘Would you like to tell me what really happened in the Cloudy
Place?’

‘No.’

‘I see,’ he
shuffles the cards some more, ‘Do you like movies Jared?’

‘Films?’

‘Yeah… that’s
the one.’

‘They’re better
made than they used to be. And someone makes a living from actually
being good at something for a change.’

‘If you were a
character in a film; what would that character be like?’

‘You mean…what
character do I see myself as?’

‘Yes. If that
helps.’

‘Oh that’s
easy. Neo.’

‘Ah! So you are
here to save the world?’

‘No. Just put a
crimp in someone’s day. And hope it’s the one it ought to be.’

‘I have to tell
you that Marcia has given me strict instructions with regard to
you.’

‘What other
kind does she give?’

‘Quite.’

‘I’m really
fine.’ I cough then. Which rather spoils the point I’m making.

‘I just need to
be sure that you agree.’

‘Yes.’

‘Marcia has not
taken the Team Leader spot. Any Idea why?’

‘She likes me.’
I am starting to wish I hadn’t put those cigarettes away in my
personal pack.

'Everyone knows
it's much more than that.' Joe is smiling now, then glances
outside. Marcia crossing the space in front of us.

'It has been so
long.' said Joe.

'For what?' I
murmur still following her with my eyes.

'Since this all
started.' Joe shifted his attention back to me.

I shivered and
started to slip back into my jacket.

'Does it happen
a lot?' Joe said and tipped the cards in a chaotic pile just in
front of me.

'Stop....please....' I can feel that slippery graceless tumble into
oblivion waiting for me somewhere off to one side.

'Very well.'
Joe looks at me momentarily as he gathers the cards together;
shuffles them; and lays them out neatly again.

I give up and
rest my head and arms on the little table. We sit in silence. I
hear that snap and whoosh as he fans them out and then in a moment
pulls them back into one pile.

'Joe?'

'Yes?'

'I have to go
back. I'm too much of a risk.' I can see Joe staring down from that
sideways upside down place, as I try to be honest for a change.

'Is that for
us? Or for you?' Joe puts the cards down. He leans both elbows on
the table near my head and stares into space.

'Both.' I close
my eyes. They are stinging. I want to go to my pod straight
away.

'It's too late
to go back.' Joe taps the edge of the pack, lining them all up.

'I know.' I
whispered so the sound was swallowed by the sounds from
without.

'The tests at
Base....' Joe begins,

'The specific
ones being?' I carefully ease myself into an upright sitting
position.

'All of them
Jared.'

'What of
that?'

'Don't be
deliberately obtuse.'

'I'm not.
Obtuse; is when you don't see what's there in front of you. And
then go on to trip right over something small, which is clearly in
plain view.'

'So what are
you being?'

'Evasive.'
somewhere at the back of mind something clicked as if a small light
has just illuminated. It's an indicator for that rarely used bit of
my mind. The bit that is bizarrely upbeat, completely open, chatty
and likes to laugh because I feel happy. Joe is just staring
intently. I feel a sudden desire to laugh. But it's like: when
you're a kid and you absolutely know you mustn't.

'The tests we
all took,' Joe said patiently, 'which of them do you think you
would have passed last week?'

I don't feel
like laughing now. I really can't think of anything to say. I took
the card from the top of the pile. The tests were thorough and
quite intrusive in a way. I had been glad of the more trusting
approach that the Sandglass group were taking. But I just wasn't
sure if they should have trusted me. I don't feel so innocent
anymore. This was the beginning of the test for me. I laughed
slightly nervously. A test on how to answer a test! I turned the
card over. There she was: The Queen of Hearts, smiling like the
Mona Lisa. She follows her heart. She's not a spade....

'Jared!'

'What?!' my
eyes slide back into focus. Joe has that look that he had when Adam
cut his wrist on the sharp edge of one of the core samplers.

'Jared.... You
are my main concern at the moment. I'll be honest; as honest as I
can be. At this exact moment, the only tests you would pass would
be the cognitive functions and reaction time tests. I know that if
I asked you to, you could work out the current weight of this
transport; and tell me what percentage of it was rescue equipment
and food cases.... but that can't cover up the things you can’t
pass just for now. I'm sorry....'

'Yes, of
course....' I said slowly. The Queen of Hearts. She smiled at me as
if to say: let's just keep it all to ourselves. I knew.... well of
course I knew objectively what was unravelling my mind. To
recognise one's own brokenness; that fracture line that runs
through everything, doesn't make it easier - rather it adds to the
fear that you will be a spectator of your own destruction,
powerless to stop the precious fragment of who you are from
slipping from your hand and breaking on the ground. I am numb with
weakness - on the inside. I have forgotten how to feel. I made them
all angry: Friends, family; fellow students when I was at Uni. They
hide it with their embarrassed laughter, and their crass jokes.

Joe hasn’t
gone, he’s still here. He has more patience when it is required
than almost anyone else. I know that Joe wants to help me; that he
cares, so I decide for once to be compliant and see if that does
make anything easier.

I hold out my
hands in supplication, ‘Help Me Joe…. tell me what you think will
help me…. please….’

‘I will give
you something to help you sleep tonight for starters….’ He holds
out his hand.

‘Oh! Yes…’ I
hand back the red queen; Joe tucks her back in the pack again;
‘Anything else?’

‘No excessive
physical strain; you always wear yourself out on these
jollies…’

‘And?’ I’m
trying to sound calm and reasonable as if discussing the weather
back at home within the confines of a comfy chair.

‘You eat at
least twice a day; breakfast and dinner; no skipping.’ Joe still
has a question in his eyes; ‘Do you think you will do that?’ an
inoffensive question.

‘I think so.
But aren’t you going to tell me to lay off the fags?’

‘No.’

‘No?’

‘You are
clearly not a social smoker….so that wouldn’t change anything much.
It’s better that way.’

‘Oh? How?’

‘A barometer.
It’s a “keep away” signal.’

‘Low tech
messaging service.’ I find myself giggling in a daft way.

‘And if you
want a break when driving, then tell someone.’

‘Yes
Mother.’

Joe just smiled
then got up to find out how many people had grazed their knuckles;
or bruised some other part of their anatomy putting up the main
dome and sleeping areas. I saw that a violent yellow-red sunset was
spilling through the gap in the trees. Some were evergreen, but
mostly it was thick deciduous and tangled bushes and weeds. I just
sat there in the back of our vehicle and watched the light shift
and change. There was a gradual trickle of equipment, as the team
came in to take some of the heavy cases that had been stacked up
just outside for the kitchen area.

Since I had
been banned by Joe, Marcia and Oliver from helping make camp, I
thought it would be a good idea to ask to help do puddings. We
always take our puddings seriously. I mean if you can’t dig in to
treacle sponge and custard with enthusiasm what else is left?

I walked around
the table passing bowls to the assembled company. Adam looked at me
with surprise as if he had forgotten the incident with the burnt
custard. It had been about the third expedition…the one before
Davey and Pete joined us. That day at End Base. Adam winked at me
and smirked. Okay; so he hadn’t forgotten after all! I found my
place and sat down. It was dark now and we all relaxed into our
languid, post dinner chatter. Davey and Oliver were talking about
war time aeroplanes; I saw Janey was looking bored. She stared
vacantly somewhere above my left shoulder. Marcia and James were
talking so quickly and technically about something work related at
the restaurant that I really wasn’t able to follow what they were
saying. Joe shuffled the cards and Adam, stuffing the last bit of
sponge in his mouth said ‘I’ll play!’ Joe pointed the pack at me.
‘No thanks.’ I said, and leaned on one elbow. I was content with
the moment. Daydreaming I think. After a few minutes I got up and
wandered into the kitchen area. Coffee. Good…. Now where’s the
strong stuff…. sachet must be in here somewhere.

I was rummaging
in the box when Janey came in.

‘Find it?’ she
said.

‘In a minute.’
I said without looking up.

‘Do you have
some tea in there?’

‘No…. it’s in
the other box….’ I turned. She was kneeling next to me; ‘Whoh!
Janey! Don’t do that!’

‘Sorry…. I
didn’t mean to make you jump.’

‘That’s okay….
I mean, it’s alright.’

‘Jared?’

‘Yes.’ I found
the right one and stood up.

‘Would you like
to get some air?’

‘Yes…. I guess
I would.’ I put the packet down. Janey was already unfastening the
exit from the kitchen to outside.

‘Here. Let me
help you with that.’ I quickly slipped the knot apart.

‘Thanks Jared.’
She is smiling, ‘Come.’ She took my hand and led me out of the
tent.

‘Well…. would
you look at that…!’ I gazed above the tree tops. There were
constellations I did not remember. Crusted jewels in a black sky.
No town or city lights blocking their splendour. Galaxies and
planets, stars and the cosmic dust of all worlds sparkling above
our heads. I felt then my heart lift. It was not all for nothing.
There was a reason. There was something more…. something beyond.
Janey too, was looking up entranced; so still, so calm. ‘What must
I be Lord?’ I whispered; almost as if it was a thought spoken out
loud.

‘It must be
very early.’ Janey murmured.