The P.J. Stone Gates Trilogy (#1-3) (74 page)

“You can call me Zen.” She smiled hesitantly at me. “My dragon name is way too long and complicated. What should I call you?”

“P.J. My name is P.J. so that’s what everyone should call me. Khol keeps calling me his little Queen; well, I don’t like being called Queen and—”

She chuckled. “And Khol doesn’t care much for what you want, right? He continues to call you that regardless.” She grinned a huge genuine smile complete with dimples. “Nope, Khol hasn’t changed much over the years.”

“So what are you, a friend of the family or something?” My eyes were probably lit up with anticipation. Maybe Zen could give me some of the answers I’d been wanting.

“Yep, something like that. But don’t get any ideas. Khol would kill me if I spilled the goods on him—quite literally.”

My mouth opened and shut a few times like a fish out of water. “Am I that obvious?” I asked with disappointment.

“Um, yeah. Your whole face lit up like I was an unexpected gift.” Zen eyed me warily now, her expression becoming closed off. “You hungry? I can get you something to eat.”

I gave her a self-deprecating smile. “I’m pregnant. I’m always hungry.”

“Right. Well right this way.”

As I sat in Lorik’s kitchen with Zen, I watched her prepare me a bowl of pasta, while my mind rolled around possible ways to get information from her about Khol. “What do you want on your pasta?” Zen asked, pulling me from my scheming thoughts.

“Oh,” I said getting up from my perch on a high stool at the kitchen island. I pulled open the polished stainless steel refrigerator and peered inside. “I need some lemon, butter, and parmesan cheese. I should have asked if Lorik had any before I put in my pasta request.”

“Hold on.”

“What?” I asked with my head still studying the contents of Lorik’s fridge. The man—or dragon—did seem to like meat.
Blak!
My unborn son had craved meat in the beginning but my cravings had changed to more carby things now. Just as I turned around and shut the door, Zen appeared in front of me with my requested items. I raised my eyebrows at her.

“I don’t think Lorik has any of those things, so rather than rummage through the mess that is the inside of his refrigerator, I thought I’d just pop on over to the store and grab what you need.”

“Thanks?” I wondered how she had done that unseen, but as my belly grumbled I decided that I didn’t really care. Zen watched me with interest as I added about a tablespoon of butter, half the bottle of lemon juice, and a bunch of cheese to my undrained pasta. It was what I liked to call lemon soup. I’d never come across anyone but me that didn’t find it completely disgusting. But I’d loved it since I was a little girl. I don’t even remember how the combination of ingredients came about.

“Please tell me that’s a pregnancy thing.” Zen muttered. “Because that’s—um—that doesn’t look very appetizing.”

“Actually it’s one of my favs.” I said as I began to eat. “So,” How do you know Lorik and Khol?”

“We grew up together.”

“Then how come I’ve never met you before or heard about you?”

Zen flopped down onto a stool across the island from me. “Khol avoids me now. Things got weird between us.”

“Oh?” I silently willed her to continue on.

“As you know, Khol used to be a bit of a player.” Zen gazed off over my shoulder, her chin resting on her hands. No, I didn’t know that, per say. But I didn’t want to interrupt Zen, in case it would prevent her from giving me any more juicy information. “He, of course, was—and still is one of the most sought after Red Dragons as a desired
Anam Cara
.”

Something I’d never really considered rose up as a question in my mind. How was it that Khol could claim me, force me into an
Anam Cara
bond against my will, and yet no female dragon had ever ensnared him? In fact, on several occasions, especially when I’d first met Khol, he had warned me that younger inexperienced dragons would try to lay claim to me against my will because they didn’t know any better. I was finding that I was still a little confused by how exactly the bond worked. “I’m confused.” I admitted as my cheeks flamed. I mean, shouldn’t I know more about the whole process since I was the Queen of all dragons?

Zen’s eyebrows knitted together. “About what?”

I bit my lower lip and considered my options. I could just wait to ask Khol to clarify things for me to save myself the embarrassment, but then again I could lose the opportunity to get more information from Zen if I didn’t know the right questions to ask. Pride goeth before fall, and all that jazz, I supposed. “Um, well I’m kind of embarrassed to admit, but—” I closed my eyes and blurted the rest out. “I’m not one hundred percent sure how the
Anam Cara
bond works. Why does it seem like the male dragons have more control over the whole thing?”

Zen’s eyebrows rose up to almost her hairline. “Because they do.” I simply blinked at her with surprise. “You do know that a female dragon can never bind a male dragon into an
Anam Cara
bond without his desire, right? But a female dragon does not have to be willing.”

My mouth dropped open. “That’s so—so sexist!” I exclaimed in horror.

Zen laughed bitterly. “Well it’s not like any of us made the rules up. It’s just the genetic makeup of dragons. There’s absolutely nothing any of us can do to change it.”

“So what you’re saying, is that if you were in love with a male dragon, and you guys—well had sex—all the time—if he didn’t want the bond, it wouldn’t happen?” Zen nodded in affirmation. “A-aand—” I stammered. “All a male dragon has to do is want the bond, and to say so or want it during sex—sex that doesn’t necessarily have to be consensual—and BAM—
Anam Caras
?”

“Yep, that’s about it in a nutshell.”

“Oh.” My mind was racing.

“And that’s exactly what happened with Khol. He had sex with many female dragons who wanted him for their
Anam Cara
, but clearly he didn’t. He clearly also never slipped up and wished, even for a second during sex, to have someone as his
Anam Cara
, because if he had then you wouldn’t be standing here carrying his child. That happens too you know, a male dragon can have an idol thought, slip up during sex and end up strapped with an
Anam Cara
he hadn’t started out wanting. Although thankfully, when a male dragon is young, and his powers are still weak, he is unable to hold the magic of an
Anam Cara
bond, regardless of his desires. There’d probably be a lot more accidental bondings if that weren’t the case.” She shook her head and chuckled. “Thank God for small favors.”

“So why can’t he have sex with me without claiming me?” I grumbled under my breath. Apparently it wasn’t so all or nothing like I thought.

“Because when a male dragon falls in love, it’s forever. And if Khol loves you, like I think he does, he wouldn’t be able to have sex with you without having the unstoppable urge to claim you for his. It’s in a male dragon’s nature. He can’t help it, really.”

“Oh.” I said again. I hadn’t really planned on her hearing that part.

“But the real question is, how are you pregnant with his child and he hasn’t claimed you already? Unless his feelings developed after the child’s conception? But the even bigger question is—why the hell wouldn’t you want Khol for your
Anam Cara
?”

Well … wasn’t that the million dollar question. Something that I didn’t think about often—but well—what if I ended up in a bad situation where I was unable to defend myself, and Khol wasn’t there to protect me, I could still be claimed by any random male dragon. Bile rose up in my throat at the thought. And what if the child I was carrying really was his? Didn’t I owe it to my son to give us a chance to be a real family? I knew without a doubt that Khol would be a good father. And I loved Khol, didn’t I? But I still couldn’t seem to get over the guilt of Bryn’s death. What right did I have to be happy, when Bryn was dead? “It’s … complicated.” I muttered.

“Is there someone else? Another suitor? Competition maybe? You are the Queen after all.” Zen pushed.

I dropped my spoon and pushed my bowl of lemon soup away, my appetite smothered by the subject of our conversation. “Not anymore.”

“Did Khol kill him? Is that the problem? Or are—”

“Look.” I grated through clenched teeth. “I said it was complicated. Just—leave it at that.” I started to stalk from the kitchen but Zen caught me by the arm.

“How can you not want him to claim you? He deserves to be happy.” Zen practically growled at me.

“And why do you care so much?” I growled back in an inhuman tone.

Her hand dropped away and she seemed to deflate. “Because if he ends up with a Queen—the Queen of us all—then at least I can feel as if the better woman won.”

Zen’s words rolled over me slowly before seeping into my consciousness. “You want Khol for yourself?” I asked numbly.

“I’ve loved him practically all of my life, but he never wanted anything more than sex from me.”

“You had sex with Khol?” Irrational anger crept up my spine and fanned out into my system. I mean I knew Khol had been with a lot of women over the years, after all, he was ancient and I knew he must have a past. And I also knew from first hand vision knowledge that when I had bonded with Bryn, Khol had slept with the stupid redheaded dragon slut to try and forget about me for at least a little while. But coming face to face with one of Khol’s conquests was something else entirely.

“Yes, and because I did, I know he’s not lacking in that department either. Why don’t you want him for your
Anam Cara
?” Zen continued on completely oblivious to her imminent danger if she didn’t shut the hell up.

Fire sparked to life on my fingertips as I turned my wild gaze onto Zen. “When was the last time the two of you—when did you—”

“Have sex? You sure you want to know?” Zen asked with a smirk.

Red dropped down in front of my gaze and flames spread up my arms. What did she mean by that exactly? I thought she said Khol had been avoiding her, or was it that she had been avoiding him … like it mattered. “Tell me.” I snarled.

“Why does it matter, if you don’t even want him for yourself?” Zen taunted. Did she not know how much danger she was in? As if she heard my thoughts, her eyes flicked down briefly to the flames still creeping up my arms. Her eyes widened slightly. “Maybe you care about him more than you’re willing to admit.”

“Tell me the last time you were with Khol. I won’t be responsible for my actions if you don’t tell me.”

“That’s a lose-lose situation.” Zen muttered. “Lorik,” she called out. “A little help here.”

My skin prickled with awareness as Khol and Lorik appeared in the kitchen with us. Khol took me in his arms, pulling my fire magic into himself. “We’ll finish our conversation later.” Khol said to Lorik. “I need to take care of this first.” He nodded towards me as if I was a puppy who needed to be scolded after making a mess on the carpet.

I struggled in Khol’s arms. “No, I’m not going anywhere. Zen and I were just having a nice little conversa—” But I didn’t get to finish my sentence before Khol shifted me into another room.

“Now what was that about?” Khol asked as he sunk down onto a soft couch with me still in his arms.

I turned my face away from Khol and clenched my jaw, anger at him causing my stomach to roil.

Khol sighed. “This does not bode well for me, does it?” When I didn’t answer he heaved a huge sigh. “This is going to be a long night. I knew I shouldn’t have brought you here.” His heart beat strongly against my back, a steady rhythm telling me that he wasn’t nervous at all. “I didn’t think I had to ask you to not burn people alive, especially after having just met them.” Khol said with patience. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to goad me into talking. But even though I knew what he was doing … I still cracked.

“She’s not a people. She’s a dragon.” I said with all the petulance of a five-year-old child. I hated how immature I was being, and yet I couldn’t seem to help myself. If I really had a problem with Zen, or any other female for that matter, there was an easy remedy to my problem. All I had to do was let Khol claim me.

Khol heaved a huge sigh, part relief and part annoyance. “You’re jealous?” He asked with just a touch of amusement.

“You had sex with her!” I rose up from the couch and started pacing, my nervous energy causing me to want to be in motion.

“I’ve had sex with a lot of women. But I’ve only loved one.” Khol stated calmly, the amusement still apparent in his tone. I hated how he always seemed happy when I was jealous of him.

“Yeah? Well when was the last time you got naked with Zen?” Fire licked at my fingertips. “Have you been with her since you’ve known me?”

A shadow of something crossed briefly behind Khol’s eyes, and even though it passed quickly, I was sure I had seen something. Alarm maybe? Guilt? “Zen has been my friend for a very long time. She—”

“She’s in love with you! Did you know that? She wants you for herself!” I ground my teeth together trying to stave off a vision of the two of them in bed together. I didn’t think I could handle it, and maybe that’s why I hadn’t seen it yet.

Khol stood and approached me but I kept pacing, fire sparking between my fingers. “What she wants is irrelevant.” Khol paused as he took me by my shoulders and very effectively halted me in place when he pulled my back into his chest. “I want you.”

My emotions were so snarled I wasn’t quite sure why I was angry anymore or who I was really angry at. I broke away from Khol and whirled back to face him from a few feet away. “I hate how you make me feel—that you make me feel anything at all for you. I crave you all the time, and I hate it.” Angry tears began sliding down my face. “Every time I turn around you’re there, and I hate that. But I love it, and then I hate it more that I love it. It feels so wrong that it feels so right wanting you—being with you. Why can’t things ever be simple between us? For me? Why does there always have to be so much drama?” I dropped to my knees already tired from my emotional outburst and use of magic. “Things used to be so simple for me—until you came along—and then nothing was ever the same again.” I inhaled a couple of huge shaking breaths. “Everything keeps pointing at the obvious, that I should just let you claim me. And a part of me wants it. I do. But then with everything else happening around us, what right do I have to happiness? The world is falling apart literally and my biggest worry is you.” I wiped at my blurry eyes. “It’s just not right Khol. I feel so confused, so selfish, so wishy-washy. I can’t make up my own damn mind about you, and a part of me wishes you would just take the decision away from me like you once did. Because a part of me doesn’t wanna make the decision at all.”