The P.J. Stone Gates Trilogy (#1-3) (76 page)

I crossed my arms over my chest and raised my chin up defiantly. “By all means continue. I’m not stopping you.” Khol growled, and I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him.
Mature I know
.

Zen who had remained suspiciously quiet, chose that moment to speak. “I’ve changed my mind. I think we should all go.” Khol’s head whipped around towards Zen, and I grinned with victory. I knew he wouldn’t be able to say no to all of us. Maybe I could get over the fact that Zen and Khol had once been bed buddies after all. My stomach clenched at the mere thought of them being together … so maybe not.

“No.” Khol grated.

“Khol—brother, if we all go we stand a better chance of making it out of there alive.”

Khol turned imploring illuminated eyes onto me. “Would you really endanger your unborn son? You have no comprehension of what we’ll be facing. I might not return.” Pain washed over Khol’s features. “I don’t want to admit it, but there’s a very real possibility that I will—”

“Die?” I croaked, the blood draining from my face as a wave of dizziness swept through my head. “And you think that’s going to make me stay here? Waiting … wondering … ” I shook my head vehemently. “No, if anything what you just said convinced me to go.” I moved a few steps closer to Khol, raising my hand up to touch him before I let it drop without contact. “Do you actually think that I could handle the not knowing part? Waiting and wondering if I’ll ever see you again?”

Khol’s jaw clenched and he spoke through gritted teeth. “If you go with me, you could die too.”

That time I did reach up to cup Khol’s chiseled jaw in my tiny hand. “Then we’ll die together.”

Khol’s eyes slid shut and he turned into my touch as he inhaled deeply. He then brought up his own larger hand to cover mine. “My little Queen, I can’t—the baby—“

“Khol, I’m coming. I won’t be able to handle losing you too.” My fingers bit into his face, but not enough to hurt him, just enough to make him aware of my determination. “Where you go—I go. Together we all stand a better chance of survival.”

“Alright, that’s settled then. We’ll all go.” Lorik said with false cheer, his voice effectively breaking the moment between Khol and me.

I saw the resignation slither through Khol as his shoulders slumped and his muscles lost their rigidity. “We have much to talk about.” Khol murmured, his eyes still shut and his warm hand still covering mine. I knew he was technically addressing everyone, but in actuality he was talking to just me. And he was right … we had a lot to talk about.

Khol had finally given in and decided that it would be cruel to leave me behind, to not know what was going on with him while he risked his life. But he was angry. I guess he felt like we all were forcing his hand, and I had a feeling that hadn’t happened very often in his very long life. In fact, after Khol had informed me, in a rather terse manner, that we would be traveling to see Morag the Ancient, a dragon so old that none could remember a time before her, he left me completely alone … all night. I had even mentally called out for him … and he still left me alone. I guess he thought he was teaching me a lesson, and he was. But not the one he wanted, I’m sure. I was learning that dragons weren’t all that different from humans in their emotions … they just thought they were. He was obviously off sulking and had somehow convinced himself he was leaving me alone for my own good or something, and that I needed some real rest. Like I could sleep with everything I had on my mind.  We were going to be traveling in Morag’s domain, a place that she had spelled to deny dragons all of their powers, except for hers of course. We’d essentially be regular humans while on her lands. I was hoping it wouldn’t mean our certain death. Yep … there was only one way that I would have found rest, and it would have most definitely involved Khol wearing me out. I flushed at the thought.
Damn pregnancy hormones
.

I was still tossing and turning when Khol’s low voice broke into my thoughts. “My little Queen.”

My heart sped up and I briefly wondered how he had snuck up on me without me feeling him. I usually had a physical awareness of Khol and his powers. “Khol,” I whispered into the darkened room.

The bed dipped down as he sat beside me, his hand snaked out to intertwine with my loose hair. “I tried to stay away—” Khol let my hair drop through his fingers. “—but I couldn’t. I can never stay away. Not for long anyhow.”

I smiled to myself. I used to worry about Khol being too overbearing towards me. Okay, so like half a day ago, but the truth of the matter was I had worried needlessly because I now knew his Achilles heel … me. I was his weakness, and therefore I really did hold all the cards. I was learning that being a woman trumps everything when a man truly loves you. “I can’t sleep.” I murmured. “Hold me.” Khol slid into bed and took me into his arms without saying another word. He pulled me against his chest tightly and I sighed contentedly as his spicy scent coiled around my senses. I loved Khol, I knew it unequivocally in that moment. I’d admitted it to myself before but not on the same level as in that moment. But it didn’t matter … guilt outweighs love. At least for me it did. The guilt of loving Khol, of wanting him as strongly as I did so soon after Bryn’s death was eating at my insides. I wanted him to take the choice away from me, but he no longer was giving me that as an option. So instead of turning to face Khol within his embrace, and telling him that I was ready for him to claim me as his
Anam Cara
—that I never wanted to be without him again—I remained perfectly still and finally drifted off to sleep surrounded by his warmth.

A baby crying roused me suddenly from my slumber. I sat up and found the bed empty beside me and Khol gone. My brain was still muddled with sleep as I pulled myself to my feet, drawn towards the sound of the baby crying. Whose was it anyways? When I stood I slipped on something sticky. I swore under my breath and reached for the lamp on the nightstand. As soon as I clicked the light on I glanced down to see what I had stepped in and froze with horror. Blood. The floor was covered in blood. My eyes trailed up to see that the sheets were also saturated in the same gore and with trepidation I finally forced myself to bow my head to look down at myself. I raised a shaking hand to my mouth and silently screamed. My baby was gone. Someone had stolen him from me. Was my son the baby that was crying? Was he crying for me? “Khol!” I screamed. “Help me—help us—please!” I suddenly felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t bring air into my lungs. “Please,” I gasped as I ran my hands over my bloody pajamas and flat stomach. “Give him back to me.”

“Wake up, my little Queen. You’re having a nightmare.” Khol’s worry laden voice penetrated my sleep. I gasped in fresh air, my hands reflexively going to my belly. Heaving in a sigh of relief I found my son still inside of me … where he belonged for the time being. I then started to sob. Khol cradled me to him and murmured soft endearments that didn’t make sense to my ears. My mind was still lost in my nightmare, the panic from having thought that my son was stolen from my body lingered strongly within me.

Then I let myself face the question that I was almost too terrified to ask. “Was it a vision or a nightmare?” I croaked, not really meaning to say it out loud. Although it would have been pointless to try and hide it from Khol with how much deeper our emotional connection had grown lately.

“Just a nightmare, my little Queen. The flavor was different than a vision, and once your fear subsides you’ll realize the same yourself.”

His words comforted me and the last of my adrenaline seeped from my veins. “It was so real—so—”

“I know.” Khol interrupted. “But normal. It was just an anxiety dream which is normal after everything that’s been happening lately.”

I nodded in agreement, my cheek sliding up and down his chest that was damp from my tears. “Yeah, I guess with everything going on—for me to dream about having my baby ripped away from me is about par for the course.” Khol was right. So many people and things that I adored had been ripped away from me lately, of course a subconscious fear would be loosing my unborn child in the same manner. Maybe my subconscious was telling me that I shouldn’t go with Khol to see Morag, but then the thought of not going with him made me feel like he’d be the one ripped away from me.

“I’ll never let anything like that happen to you, or your son.” Khol’s voice vibrated under my ear with emotion.

“But you weren’t there—in my nightmare—I was alone.” Had Khol leaving me alone, even though he had eventually come back to me, been what triggered the nightmare? Was I developing abandonment issues? Like I needed any more issues to deal with … I’m a royal mess as it is … quite literally since I’m the dragon Queen and all.

Khol raised his large warm hand up to cup the nape of my neck. “And that’s how you know for certain it was a nightmare and not a vision. I would never leave you completely alone.”

I knew it was true. Khol leaving me alone in bed for the evening while he went off to sulk was not the same as him abandoning me. I guess it just triggered some neurotic feelings. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but part of my neuroses was Bryn’s fault. He had promised always … and then he had walked away from me. “I know.” I responded to Khol, because I did, underneath it all anyways.

“He was a child, he didn’t know the damage he was causing you. He—”

My whole body tensed. “Please, let’s not talk about him. I can’t handle it right now.”

Khol’s chest heaved under my cheek. “Until you face the unresolved issues Bryn’s treatment of you left behind, you won’t have closure. And until you have closure you can’t move on … with me … not truly and completely.”

Well that was my problem in a nutshell. I was still torn between two men … only one of them was now dead. Instead of Bryn’s death bringing closure, a clear choice, it brought guilt, uncertainty, and emotional confusion. I wanted Khol for my
Anam Cara
, but I didn’t want to want him. I had chosen Bryn, and for a brief moment in time I had been completely happy. If I bonded with Khol would I have those same feelings again? And better yet, did I deserve it? It was time to stop dwelling. It felt like all I did lately was spin around in emotional circles. I was starting to get on my own nerves so I couldn’t imagine how Khol felt. “When do we leave for Morag’s?”

Khol’s muscles tightened briefly before he relaxed again. No doubt he wasn’t too pleased about my subject change nor the subject I was bringing up. “In the morning.”

“It’s not morning yet?” It felt like I had tossed and turned most of the night away before Khol had come to me. Surely it had to be morning.

“I’ll amend my statement by saying later this morning then. It’s morning but still very early.” Khol laid down on the bed and I went with him, still pressed tightly to his chest, his arms surrounding me like a cocoon. “Get some more sleep, my little Queen. I won’t let you have anymore nightmares.”

I gnawed on my lower lip. “You can do that? Keep the nightmares away?”

Khol brushed his lips across my forehead. “I can do lots of things, if only you would let me.”

“Oh.” What else was there to say? I hadn’t missed the double, or maybe I should say quadruple meaning to his words. So instead of acknowledging them, at least out loud, I simply snuggled into him as far as I could go and I let my heavy eyelids finally slide shut without worry.

“I feel so strange.” I muttered to myself as I brought my hand up to my forehead with a fluttering motion. I felt kind of dizzy, but not—sort of drunk, but not—almost nauseous, but not quite … so yeah … strange.

“You’ll get used to it.” Khol stated calmly. “What you’re feeling is the aftereffects of having all of your powers denied to you. They’re not gone—just blocked. Your system is adjusting to having to function without them.”

“It’s not like I use my powers all the time though, I shouldn’t really need to adjust.” I complained … okay whined.

Khol quirked an auburn eyebrow at me and eyed me with amusement. “You are always connected to your magic, and you have been since the day you were born. Whether you are actively using your powers or not, they’re still there, ready at a moment’s notice.”