The P.J. Stone Gates Trilogy (#1-3) (70 page)

“Reciprocate!” I blurted out as my body coiled tightly primed for release. I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly, and my mind was grasping at straws, but I thought that maybe if I gave Khol pleasure it would take some of the edge off for him as well and then he wouldn’t push to claim me … at least for the moment.

Khol stilled, causing me to squirm shamefully. His eyes met mine with question, and yet an intense yearning.

I answered his question before he could ask it, motivated by wanting him to finish what he had been doing. “Yes! It means what you think it does … just no claiming.” My pregnancy hormone addled brain obviously felt like I’d been depriving myself too long.

Khol’s large hands squeezed my thighs briefly before he slid up the length of my body. “As you wish.” He murmured with a sly smile.

Huh? Wait. What? And who did he think he was, Wesley from The Princess Bride or something? “What are you doing? I asked with utter confusion as he flipped around—
oh!
I was going to ‘reciprocate’ at the same time he continued doing what he was doing.
Another first for me.

I didn’t think it was possible, but as Khol positioned himself above me, I became even more turned on. I arched up to touch him with my tongue as he resumed his ministrations.
Oh yes, I’m going to definitely enjoy this
.

Only later would I stop to think about the fact that while I was within Khol’s embrace, and while we were pleasuring each other … not once did my mind turn towards Bryn … not even for a second.

A strong, steady heartbeat playing rhythmically under my ear woke me out of my fitful sleep. For an instant, barely a moment in time, I allowed myself to luxuriate in the warmth and comfort of Khol’s naked body that was intertwined with mine.  His massive frame made me feel tiny and safe, like nothing could hurt me while I lay encircled within his long muscular arms.

I had somehow kept him from claiming me as his
Anam Cara
, but I had also permitted myself to temporarily get lost in him … all of him. And while I was lost, I found that being with Khol helped to ease the pain of losing Bryn. Did that mean I had used Khol? Probably. But somehow I didn’t think Khol had minded all that much. So I guess the real question should be … how long would Khol permit me to use him in that manner before pushing the matter of becoming his
Anam Cara
? How long would he permit me to lose myself in him to hide from my pain?

“For as long as you need my little Queen.” Khol’s sleep riddled voice rumbled from underneath me.

I ignored the fact the connection between us that let him read my emotions seemed to suddenly be stronger. At least on his end, because I still wasn’t getting anything from him on my side. “It’s not fair to you.”

His large hand began to idly play with my hair. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be, for however long you need me to be it.”

I bit the inside of my cheek and sent up a silent prayer of thanks that I didn’t have to look Khol in the face for this conversation. Somehow it made it easier for me. “So you’re okay with not claiming me?”

His chest heaved under my head as he sighed deeply. “No. I don’t think okay is the right word for it but … I’ll survive.”

“I’m sorry.” I blurted out. “I don’t wanna hurt you—I’ve never meant to hurt you and yet I keep doing it over and over again—hurting you.” Tears began to gather at the corners of my eyes.

“If you were anyone but you I would never have fallen in love with you. And of course you hurt me … that’s what you do because you’re young, and impulsive, and you’re always following your heart.” Khol paused as if to gather his thoughts. “I just keep hoping one day your heart will lead you to me. Just like mine led me to you.”

My heart always broke a little for him when he was like this … so open and vulnerable. It was when he was demanding and possessive that made it easy for me to pull away from him. But when he was like this … I could almost see my heart leading me to him one day … despite the pain I still felt over Bryn’s loss. “Khol—” I started, but he didn’t let me finish.

“I know now is not the right time—of course it never seems to be the right time but—” He pulled me away from his chest so he could gaze into my eyes. His face appeared so young in that moment, young, and hopeful, and absolutely beautiful. “—I love you. And I need to tell you not just so I’m sure you understand, but to unburden the weight those words put on my chest.” He stroked the back of his knuckles down the side of my cheek. “I love you.” He repeated as he continued to stare into my eyes.

The tears that had been pooling in my eyes finally began to leak down my face. “I love you too—just not the way you want. Bryn was the love of my life, and whether you want to hear this or not, he took a part of me with him when he died. I’ll never be able to be what you want me to be to you.”

“For now.” Khol whispered softly.

“No. You need to listen to me, Khol. Never. I’ll never love you the way that I did him. I’m sorry. I wish I could. I really do. More than I really wanna admit—because it would be so easy. It’s just I can’t. You need to truly believe that.”

“I don’t want you to love me the way you did him. What you shared with Bryn was fleeting, like a shooting star streaking across the sky, hot and bright but gone too soon. I want our love to be like the sun itself.” I shook my head numbly wishing I could just make him understand. “We are fated to be together—fated to be
Anam Caras
. I’m sorry that you had to love and lose him … truly I am … but he was the love of your old life. I am the love of this life and beyond. Loving him prepared you to love me.”

I was now crying in earnest, unable to find any words that would be a sufficient reply to his. A part of me wanted to believe him … to believe that one day his love would fill the gaping hole in my chest that Bryn had left. But the other part of me felt that even wanting that was a betrayal of everything Bryn and I had ever had together. You don’t ever move on from a love like that. You count yourself lucky for ever getting to experience it at all and then close off your heart to all others.

“It doesn’t matter what you believe now, my little Queen. Even at your lowest you can’t deny that you seek me out for comfort. What we did here in my bed means more than you’re willing to admit.” He slid his warm callused hand up to rest on the small bump of my belly that was my unborn son. “And he still could be mine.” He dipped his head to deliver me a brief scorching kiss before disentangling himself from me, and rising from bed. He left me there completely breathless, nestled down in a stack of pillows, staring after the magnificent sight that was his naked body.

“Jenna! No!” I screamed as her body crumpled to the floor. The red ruby dangling from my dragon pendant glowed brightly, pulling at the Rider’s vapor-ish form now that it was out of Jenna’s body. The Rider screamed out as if in pain before seemingly disappearing into my necklace with another flash of brilliant red light.

I rushed forward and pressed my shaking hand to Jenna’s neck looking for her pulse point. Seconds that seemed like hours passed by and still I searched. Was she breathing? I bent over her face to check and noticed something I hadn’t before … her eyes were open and lifeless, glazed over in the sightless manner of death.

“No!” I screamed. “No! The Rider’s gone! I got it out! You’re not supposed to be dead!”

“P.J.! Wake up!” Jeremy’s voice pulled me out of my nightmare causing me to sit up with a start.

I was in my room, I dazedly realized. “A nightmare … it was just a nightmare.” I mumbled with relief.

“About Jenna? Are you sure it wasn’t a vision?” Worry pinched Jeremy’s already exhausted looking features. He rarely smiled anymore, I noted. He used to be such a happy-go-lucky type of person when I first met him.

“No, it couldn’t have been.” I said as I swiped at the sweaty tendrils of hair sticking to my face.

“It couldn’t have been, or you don’t want it to have been? Tell me.” Jeremy grated as he reached forward to grab me by the shoulders.

My eyes widened slightly as I met his brown depths. “I—I—I don’t know for sure.” I stammered. I owed him the truth at least.

Jeremy’s hands slipped from my shoulders and he turned away from me. “Tell me what you saw. I need to know.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Jeremy. Please don’t ask me to.”

He chuckled darkly. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah,” I whispered.

Jeremy dropped to the ground as if he was a marionette that just had its strings cut. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I keep telling you not to give up—not to lose hope, and yet I think I already have.”

“We have to keep on going … with or without hope … we just need to keep on going.” Not the best words of encouragement, but I was fresh out of pep talks.

My skin prickled with awareness just before Khol appeared in my room. “We need to talk.” He said without any preamble.

“About what?” I asked grumpily. “I was kind of planning to try any get some more sleep.”

“It’s of the utmost importance.” Khol eyed Jeremy. “And I need this to be a private conversation.”

“There’s nothing you can’t say in front of Jeremy if it’s—”

“It’s alright.” Jeremy interrupted as he rose to his feet and shuffled towards the door. “I’m gonna try and get some sleep myself. Maybe things will look better in the morning.”

As soon as Jeremy was gone and the door clicked shut behind him Khol came to me in a blur of speed. “I shared your vision with you.”

My heart missed a beat, and I shook my head in denial. “It was just a nightmare. It had to be.” I mumbled the last part to myself trying to keep up my denial. But the truth was, I already knew it was a vision. I was getting better at distinguishing the subtle flavor that set them apart from everything else.

Khol dipped down to his knee and rested his large hands on my legs as he stared up at me with excitement dancing in his eyes. “The future is changeable. Your birth mother knew that. Your vision doesn’t mean Jenna is definitely going to die, by receiving it we stand more of a chance of stopping it, just like—”

“The school shooting!” I exclaimed as I jumped to my feet. “How could I forget?” I nibbled my lower lip as I began to pace the small space in my room. “But how, I didn’t really get much information from that particular vision … ”

Khol stood and spun me around to face him, and his hands ran down my arms to take me by mine. He left what felt like a trial of fire in their wake and I melted into his touch. “More than you realize.” I looked up at him with expectation waiting for him to clue me in. “The necklace—the stone—it pulled the Rider out of Jenna’s body—”

“And killed her!”

“We just need more information.” Khol’s hands had moved to my back where they kneaded at the tension there. I bit my cheek to keep from groaning in pleasure. “But now we know where to start looking.”

“We do?” I murmured, swaying towards Khol as he increased the pressure of his massage slightly.

“Yes.” I could hear the smile in his voice, which was good because I had somehow come to lean on Khol’s massive chest. “My family archives. The necklace is a family heirloom, there has to be some kind of information about where it came from. Once we know that then we can follow the trail.”

“Mmmm … ” I groaned as his fingers worked on a particularly bothersome knot by my shoulder blade.

Khol’s chest pleasantly rumbled. “You need to get some good rest. I’ll take care of everything, my little Queen. I’m here for you.”

My brain was complete mush, and I struggled to keep focused. “Are you doing something to me?” My face flushed. “I mean magically. I really shouldn’t be this calm after what I just had a vision about.”

“Shhh … ” Khol murmured in response. “You and your child need to rest. It’s not good for either of you for you to worry needlessly. Your vision gave us a piece of very good news. We know where to start looking now and so we have something to be happy about. Rest now, I said I’d take care of everything else.”

“Makes sense to me.” I said around a yawn. Wait. He didn’t answer my question exactly. “But are you doing something magically?” I interrupted myself with another yawn. “To me?” My eyes fluttered shut and I luxuriated in Khol’s touch. Maybe he was right, maybe a little bit of sleep would do wonders for me and my unborn son.