The Only Choice (The Choices Trilogy #3) (26 page)

“You’re gonna Marry Me!” His eyebrows are pinched together and he looks angry almost mean. I slap him hard on his shoulder and he steps back rubbing the hurt and mouthing an over dramatic ‘Ow’ following by his cheeky grin. It’s one of my favourite dreams and it couldn’t be more timely to have it the night before Sofia’s wedding. Immediately after his statement of fact John had effortlessly scrambled up the twisted branches of the Damson tree in the churchyard and was shaking the smaller branches. It was late summer and we were both starting new schools in September. I was heading off to the girls Grammar and he was heading to the mixed Comprehensive school. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to go to his school. My mum wouldn’t let me but it was John that convinced me to go to the Grammar in the end. He got angry that I could be so stupid and then he got sad that I would waste this chance and I hated it when he was sad. He shouts down again. “I said I’m gonna marry you!” I look up in to his soft brown eyes, his dark hair flopping, way too long for school but perfect for the summer. His cheeks are dirty from the climb and his grin reveals his bright white teeth but the falling fruit has me shielding my head for cover.

I hear the thud of his feet as he jumps down beside me, his eleven year old self still the same height as me so we are eye to eye. I can’t explain the feeling I have swirling in my belly when he stares at me with such intensity but I have felt unsettled for a little while now. “You’re worried about changing school and not seeing me every day.” I scoff at his words which sound like a brag. He can be so full of himself but I bite my lip when I see in his eyes he doesn’t mean it that way, not at all. “You will see me every day, your bus gets in after mine and I’ll be waiting for you.” He picks the end of my t-shirt and pulls it out flat and I hold the ends tight replacing my hands where his have been. He starts to collect the fruit and put it in my makeshift basket. “And you are worried about a whole bunch of other stuff that you shouldn’t not when you need to study. So I’m just saying, I’m gonna marry you and take care of you and stuff so quit worrying.”

“Why are you going to marry me?” My T-shirt is filling with fruit and stretching the material beyond probable recovery. He holds one of the damsons in his hand carefully looking it over and gently rubbing the surface dust to reveal a deep purple gloss, turgid and juicy. He walks back to me and he looks in my eyes.

“We’re both alone Bets but we don’t ever have to be lonely.” He hands me the fruit and I take it.

“You have a huge family John.” My words are soft and they falter when I understand what he means. “I’m never lonely.” Because I’m always with John, even when I’m not. I take a bite of the delicious fresh fruit still warm from the tree, juice dribbling onto my already ruined t-shirt and hand the rest to John.

“Me either.” He puts the small fruit in his mouth pip and all. This moment I feel as warm as the sun beating on our backs and as young as we were it was this moment our friendship changed.

“Do you love me John?” I know he does but I would really like to hear the words.

“No Bethany, I told you. I love Lara Croft.” He spits the pip from his mouth and grins but he wraps his scrawny arm around my scrawnier shoulders and we giggle and laugh together as we make our way back across the graveyard and home.

It’s really early, the sun not quite peeking through the curtains in the guest room and I stretch luxuriously forcing my muscles to the point of pain before recoiling in satisfied exhaustion at the effort. Closing my eyes once more to try and hold the tender dream for a few moments longer but it slips beyond my desperate grasp leaving me just a little sadder than before, as if that was possible. I hear the click on my door, the soft swish of wood against deep pile carpet and the brief light streaks across the room and my closed lids. I feel the dip in the bed and feel the body crawl as close as possible without touching, as if that would prevent me waking up. “What’s up Sofs?” In the dark I turn my face to hers just making out the darker shadow.

“Sorry Bets I didn’t want to wake you.” She whispers and I sniff a light laugh because we both know that’s not true. “It’s just that I’ve got cold feet.” Her words are softly spoken but I snap upright and twist to turn the light on. We are both blinking like a couple of moles in the dessert but when my eyes finally adjust I calmly ask her. “What!” It wasn’t calm, it was frantic. Her face is a picture of cool but her lips start to curl in a mischievous grin at the same time I feel the ice cold rush of her feet as they plant firmly against my legs. “Arghhh!! Fuck!” I squeal and jump back sliding to the edge of the bed away from her offending limbs, her feet are fucking freezing and she is giggling uncontrollably. “What the fuck Sofs!” I cry out as I rub warmth back into my legs and shiver at my unsuccessful effort. “Not funny!” I hate being cold but the sheer panic that raced through me actually stopped my heart. “Jeeze you scared the crap out of me. My life literally drained when I thought you actually meant . . . you know that you were having second thoughts” I hold my thumping chest as she looks at me like I am the mad one. “Seriously, if you had doubts about a match which was clearly made in heaven what chance would I have eh?” She continues to chuckle.

“Ah come on Bets that was funny.” She rubs her feet vigorously on the bed, before snuggling back down tucking my quilt under her chin her big brown eyes smiling and sheepish.

“On so many levels that was not funny.” I laugh and snuggle back too, leaving the light on because it will be light soon and the day will begin in earnest.

“Sorry.” She yawns and her smile is so wide there is no way she believes her own words of apology but this is her day and so it begins for Princess Sofia.

“Trouble sleeping?” I don’t know why I decide to whisper but it feels like our conversation might, in fact wake the household.

“A little but not because of today.” She pauses.

“You’re not worried about today sweetie because you know it will be perfect. I promise.” The planets have aligned and all the work and behind the scenes activity will guarantee it.

“Oh no I’m not worried about today, I’m really excited . . . it’s going to be fun.” I can feel her excitement like it is a physical thing pulsating around her so I have no trouble believing her. “I’ve been a bad friend Bets. Marco told me Ethan bailed and that Daniel hasn’t been around much and I . . .”

“—Hey!” I stop her. “You’re my best friend.” I waggle my head from side to side to indicate the fact that she is half of my best friend and she smiles, “and you are not to make any part of this day about me or I’ll be pissed and Marco will push you off the podium of joint best friend.” I warn.

“Ok but as it’s my day, I want just this one conversation then no more Ok?” She pulls the ‘her day’ card like a master and I think this is going to be the longest twenty-four hours.

“Ok but not much to tell.” She arches a brow at my lie and I wonder how much I can get away with telling her to appease her stubborn curiosity. “Ethan was only doing Marco and me a favour but Marco has a date so it’s no biggie. Besides Ethan has a girlfriend now and by his own admission it would be weird.” She nods at this but her penetrating eyes fix me at my obvious unfinished disclosure. I closed my eyes and draw in a deep breath but the air hurts my lungs and the ache of pure agony rushes through my nerves in waves and my eyes water. The visual verification of my sorrow is too much and Sofia shuffles and awkwardly wraps her arms around me kissing my hair and shhing my building sobs. I had been so proud that I had held my fragile state together in front of everyone and I am mortified I break today of all days. “I’m so sorry Sofs.” She pulls me tighter muffling my words against her.

“You will be if you keep apologising.” She mutters and I sniff trying to rein back the onslaught of sadness. “So, no Daniel?” She pulls back to see that although I have held back the sobs the tears are still falling as I shake my head. “And you don’t want to talk about it?” I shake my head in absolute agreement. “Well, I’ll let this go today, but only because I’m selfish and don’t want my Maid of Honour red eyed and snotty in the photos.” I love that she can make me laugh even if she is serious. “But before I leave on honeymoon we are talking Ok? I’m away for nearly two months so we have to work your shit out before we go or you’re coming with us.” I nod because I really need to talk to someone and I can finally tell Sofia about the baby, my baby. The thought causes a shock to my system like a slap to my face. I need to get my shit together. I can’t be a blubbering mess, because once again I will have someone totally dependent on me and me alone. Sofia is looking at me intently as she assesses the grief laden emotions flashing across my face before the more familiar ones of resolve and determination settle. “You won’t be alone today Bets, I guarantee that.” She yawns and closes her heavy lids. I am thankful she has because I don’t have to pretend to smile. I thought I’d be sharing this day with Daniel. He was never just my plus one, he was my only one and without him I feel so fucking lonely.

The morning is a blur as people fuss and gather; tweak and pamper, a steady stream of well-wishers dropping by before heading off to the church. Sofia is a picture of calm sat wrapped in her silk gown with ‘The Bride’ scrolled in sparkly diamontes on the back, sipping on champagne as her cousin fixes her hair and make-up. I sit beside her as Aunt Marie fixes my hair in a half up mess of rich chestnut curls with tiny pearls sprinkled in the main swirl of hair. My makeup is light but I have had to use a calming concealer to hide the redness around my eyes and industrial strength waterproof mascara if I am to survive today without resembling chi chi the panda. I nurse my sparkling elderflower in the champagne glass and watch the scene around me. It is like a time lapse movie where everyone else is a distorted haze of movement but I’m just still and slightly out of focus. When did my life get so out of focus? Why did I let it get so out of focus? Stupid questions, stupid rhetorical questions because you do stupid things when you love someone so much you can’t focus on anything else. You make stupid choices and make stupid mistakes and some mistakes, some choices are unforgivable.

The room has gone quiet and I look up to see Sofia standing with her mum. Vivienne has her handkerchief pressed against her eyes and is holding her daughters hand with the other, smiling, utter love expressed openly on her face and I feel my first real pang of loneliness. God I’m so selfish and I reprimand myself that I won’t forgive me either if I do anything to make Sofia sad on her day. I shake my head and physically pull myself together. I stand and walk over and take Sofia’s other hand.

“Come on sweetie, let’s get you in that dress.” She nods and I can see her eyes pool with water. “Hey no tears you told me no puffy red eyes or snot remember?” I admonish her with a gentle nudge that has her laughing.

“All right girls I’ll leave you to it and go and get Milly ready. She is fighting her mother every step of the way.” She sighs with exasperation. “I thought every little four year old girl would love to be a princess for the day, but not Milly. I swear she’ll be back in that God awful Chelsea junior football kit before the days through.” She grumbles as she leaves the room. I grimace because I am in charge of taming the tomboy, at least for the ceremony as Milly is the only other bridesmaid. Sofia decided that choosing the youngest niece was diplomatic and saved having something like sixteen bridesmaids. I take her new dress from the doorframe and gently unzip its protective cover. Its ivory lace fitted bodice is delicately decorated with fine handmade lace and the skirt is full length riot of organza and silk, ruffled, scooped and folded in on itself. It’s stunning. She has a fine lace veil that clips in the back of her hair with a diamond hair clip, both handed down from her mother’s family, old and borrowed.

I stand back and we both stare wide eyed at each other trying to force back the inevitable tears. “Sofs you look—”

“—Don’t you dare Miss!” She bites her lip and I mirror her move as I can feel mine tremble. I take a steady breath.

“You’re right. Ok, well let’s just say you scrub up well.” We both laugh and the emotional magnitude of the moment dissipates instantly. “You ready?” She arches her brow and drags her eyes down my body with a disapproving scowl. I am wearing my pyjama bottoms and a skinny vest. “You don’t like my outfit?” I mock but I step out of her reach just in case she’s not up for jokes and judging by the continued scowl I was right to move. “This will take two minutes max. I needed to make sure you were already before I send your Dad in. So one last time got everything?” I watch as she does a quick mental list.

“Shit!” Her eyes display genuine panic.

“What? What’s wrong?” I step up to her because with all that material it’s an effort for her to move to me.

“Blue, I don’t have anything blue, Fuck!” She snaps and I laugh but slap my hand at my mouth as she narrows her eyes at my insensitivity.

“Sorry, but you do have your language, that’s pretty blue.” I snicker and she slaps me hard on my arm but laughs out too. I look at my hand and twiddle the tiny ring on the little finger on my left hand. The one with the small silver band with a heart shaped twist with tiny blue stones that never pretended to be anything precious but was more precious than any stones. John gave me this ring on my sixteenth birthday, a promise ring not an engagement ring he said because an engagement was a period of time and this ring was a promise of a lifetime. I have cried a lifetime of tears, and because of me that promise went un-kept. My unbearable sadness I hide today though, is that deep down I always thought that I would make that promise to Daniel and now I have ruined that too. I twist the ring from my finger instantly feeling its absence and hand it to Sofia, even as she shakes her head she holds her hand out. “You should wear this.” I try to smile but I can’t make my lips cooperate with the false emotion.