The Only Choice (The Choices Trilogy #3) (25 page)

The noise echoes and the sting feels like a knife has sliced at my flesh, instant furious heat and a pain so sharp I cry out. Again and again and I draw in ragged breaths letting the fire and agony consume me because it will always be a fraction of the pain inside my chest. “Just a name Bethany and I’ll stop and you’ll never see me again.” His cruel words just make me want to hold on as long as I’m conscious. I don’t want to never see him again. He draws back striking the tops of my thighs and I cry out, screaming, that is so sensitive there, Christ! That hurts. I look ahead with watery eyes. I can’t focus on Jason but I know he is there, my head feels heavy and I drop it as I take more strikes to my backside. I can no longer feel the individual strikes I just feel like my body is encased in flames. I lose track of each blow, I lose track of time, there is just endless enduring pain. His hands cup my head, pulls me close to his face and my heart breaks completely at the utter desolation and sadness in his eyes and I can’t bear a moment more pain in our hearts. I whisper my safe-word, dragged from my memory, “blue.” My voice is raspy but by the narrowing of his eyes I know he hears me.

“Ha! Nice try Bethany but you don’t get to safe word me. I want a fucking answer. Who sponsored you?” His voice is raw, angry, and so cold but honestly, I don’t even think he does want an answer. He just needs to punish me for this pain I’ve caused. That’s why I need it to stop, I can’t stand his pain. Strike, strike, strike. . . . then stop. There is a scuffle of shoes and some grunts and harsh breaths.

“For fuck sake Daniel! She safe word, back the fuck up man! It was me, I sponsored her because for some fucking reason I thought you would rather I did it, instead of some arsehole stranger but looking at you now, I’m not so sure.” Jason is panting as he struggles to hold Daniel back.

Daniel shrugs his hold and steps to me, cupping my face his tender hold finishes me off and I sink limp and sobbing uncontrollably. “Baby, I loved you so much, I loved you so fucking much.” His voice is barely a whisper, his words pure agony. “I know I never deserved someone like you, never deserved to just be happy but I didn’t think I deserved this either. You broke my fucking heart Bethany.” His forehead touches mine and I hear the break in his voice, his eyes are a bottomless pit of sorrow mirrored only but the depths of loss I feel in me. “How could you do this to us?” This is a messed up fucking tragedy. “You should’ve trusted me.” His last whispered words feather the damp skin on my cheeks.

“And you should’ve trusted me.” I mouth back but my mouth is too dry to speak. He lets my head fall and walks away nothing but raw pain and betrayal in his eyes.”Wait!” My cry is broken with an uncontrollable sob. “Daniel . . . wait! Angel . . . she warned me to stay away. She said you love her but don’t know it yet and I just need to stay away.” Each word is laboured with deep steadying breaths. “She told me to stay away Daniel . . . why would she do that if she didn’t want you for herself?” He steps back into the room, closing the distance but not entering my personal space.

“She told me Bethany . . . she told me she warned you to stay away . . . and then she apologised to me for interfering. She was just being a friend to me . . . She couldn’t stand to see me in pain . . . Whats your excuse Bethany?” He leaves his accusation hanging like a noose before he silently turns and leaves the room.

The wire is loosened and I collapse into myself. Jason is at my side unclipping my restraints. He gently rubs my wrists which are raw and numb. “Why didn’t you just tell him?” He helps me to my feet and I use his arm for much needed support, wincing with the smallest movement.

“I didn’t want him to leave.” The tears are still falling but the sobs have subsided as the familiar numbness begins to creep back in. Jason looks confused. “He said if I told him he would leave and I’d never see him again.”

Jason snorts at this. “Twisted logic, well I hope it was worth it.”

I open my palm at the useless device; Jason takes it and puts it in his back pocket. “I doubt even if that had worked it would’ve made a difference but I had to try. She’s lying and I wanted him to know the truth, even if
that
cost.” I draw in a very shaky breath but manage not to sob before I continue. “I know I’ve lost him but he doesn’t deserve to live the life she has planned out of guilt. He has nothing to feel guilty about.” I flinch as he places his jacket on my shoulders and the edge skims my thighs.

“He does now.” Jason opens the door and I tentatively follow him through.

Jason drives me home and I silently welcome the creeping numbness that moves through my body like a lethal dose of anaesthetic. I wish the last few months had never happened. That I could erase the healing and go back to enduring the crippling pain of Daniel walking away the first time because I have that now but I also have the image of his beautiful face contorted with utter sadness and betrayal, etched in my mind. His suffering is unbearable. I try to justify that I had no choice, desperate to cling to the notion that I did the only thing I could to save us. But the fact is, he had made his choice and I just couldn’t accept it and the only person I have helped, the only person that comes out of this unscathed and happy is Angel. When his sadness dissolves, when the betrayal fades the only thing left will be hatred and I can’t bare it. I shiver as the rivulets of sweat trapped in my dress cool my body; in my peripheral consciousness I am aware that Jason has turned the heat up in the car but the chill I feel is in my bones and a thousand suns won’t warm me. The engine sinks to a quiet hum and I recognise the steps leading to my apartment. I go to open the door but Jason’s quiet voice stops me.

“I’m sorry Bethany.” His deep voice sounds strange and I look to see intense concern in his eyes.

“You have nothing to be sorry about Jason, I’m grateful for your help—” He is quick to interrupt.

“He wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me.”

“You told him?” The shock clear in the volume of my voice.

“Fuck no . . . No he called and asked where I was . . . I swear I had no idea he would want to meet me there. I was stuck, I couldn’t meet him anywhere else because you would’ve been left there alone . . . I didn’t have a choice Bethany but I’m really sorry it played out the way it did.” His face is filled with a dark shadow of concern.

“Me too.” I feel unbelievably sorry for myself but I feel just as bad for putting him in this situation. “Jason I am . . .” I swallow a sudden unexpected sob back. “I am so sorry if I’ve got you in to trouble. I wouldn’t have told him you know?” My voice is shaky but sincere.

“That’s what I was afraid of.” He tries to laugh but his face shows no relief at the attempt. “Look I’m a big boy I can handle Daniel, besides I’m fucking good at what I do and he’s a business man. I’ll be fine.” His hand hovers somewhere near my knee but seeing the exposed skin he opts to hold my hand, squeezing and pulling it into his other hand. “Are you going to be all right?” I look at our hands clasped together on his lap and I know there is comfort there but I can’t feel it and several long moments pass when I pull away realising the absolute heart rending truth in my answer.

“No.” He lets my hands go and I open the door and walk up my steps. I don’t look back.

I AM GRATEFUL
for one thing and that is that Sofia’s wedding is on Saturday and as such everyone close and dear to me is so consumed with that day that my drama and despair is going unnoticed. Partly because of the day itself and partly because I have drawn on all my acting skills to push aside my devastation for a few more days. I can cry myself to sleep but I don’t sleep and I can put drops in my eyes to hide the bursting red capillaries and I can pretend to eat and toast at the pre wedding lunches and other gatherings. At the spa treat for Sofia and I the day before the big day I can focus every bit of attention rightly on the bride-to-be with enough genuine enthusiasm and a fake smile that would shame a pageant pro. I can do all this because it needs to be done. I love Sofia and her family and my shit is
my
shit; a few more days and I can go away and sort it all out. With a little time and a little distance I can think about my future, our future, a future without Daniel. I know in my heart he will never forgive me and I have to live with that and as much as each night I want to curl up and die to ease this pain, I don’t.

Sofia’s last night as a single women and we are staying at her parents. Marco has managed to get a date after all, a close friend of Rose who is willing to play the date game or more likely act as chaperone. They are staying at our place because of the early start. We have just had a Chinese take away and are about to settle for a cheesy film, maybe a musical we’re not sure and Sofia is flicking through the library of DVDs. My mobile rings and seeing its Ethan’s number I leave the room and head toward the kitchen.

“Hey Ethan, you get your suit OK?” I fiddle around the kitchen tidying and picking at the food I wasn’t able to eat earlier.

“Oh yeah about that . . .” He starts to mumble an apology but it doesn’t matter, pretty much nothing does at this point. “You know that girl I’ve been seeing well, I’ve kind of made a commitment to her and it would feel wrong, you know?” He pauses waiting for my reaction. We haven’t talked in a while but I do recall Tom, at our last get together, mention something about Ethan meeting someone. Then again, this is Ethan and I really didn’t pay it too much attention but this has been a few weeks now.

“It’s fine Ethan, really not a problem. Marco has a date so the big panic is over.” I try to laugh it off but that type of sound feels unwelcome in my mouth.

“But you can ask Daniel right, you guys are back together?” I can hear he feels bad for letting me down and is trying to make sure I am really Ok but this hasn’t helped. I try to swallow now my mouth is suddenly dry. I haven’t told anyone that the almost reunion is back to a non-reunion, permanently this time.

“Oh sure but I know he’s busy. Look its fine really, thanks for offering in the first place.” I try to divert the conversation. “So getting serious, that’s good right?” My tone is teasing and I am surprised by his sincere response.

“Yeah it’s good, really good. It’s strange, I mean she’s a whole heap of crazy but there’s something about her. She tries to be this super tough bitch and even down-right nasty but we talked one night for hours and she’s not so tough. She’s just had to
be
tough.” He lets out a contented sigh and I smile because I can hear it in his voice. He is really taken with her. “Anyway, I really like her so . . .” He pauses for a few more seconds when I click and interrupt.

“So you won’t be travelling with me either?” I conclude.

“Ah sorry Bets, but I just don’t want to leave right now. She’s got this job that’s going to keep her here for several months and I’d like to use that time, you know . . . Anyway we thought we’d go travelling after. She’ll get paid for this job and then we can see a bit of the world together. I really like her Bets.” His usual cocky tone is somewhat sheepish.

“I’m happy for you Ethan.” My voice is soft but I hope he can hear how genuine my sentiments are; even if happiness isn’t in
my
repertoire at the moment.

“Are you still going to go travelling? I hate you to cancel because of me but then I’d hate for you to go on your own.” He hesitates.

“No I’ll still go and don’t worry I’m a big girl. Had self-defence training from the best and everything. I’ll be fine. I’ll probably tag along with Marco anyway.” I added the last bit to ease his mind but I am more inclined than ever to do this on my own.

“Oh that’s good, really good. I think Dad would kill me if he knew I’d bailed and left you to travel alone.” He laughs and now I feel guilty that I’m lying, well maybe I’m not lying. I might still go with Marco, at this exact moment I haven’t decided. So not technically lying and so no guilt. We finish the call arranging to meet sometime before I leave. A tentative lunch with his new lady where he plans to go over my travel itinerary, adding it’s the least he could do and I have to let him because it appears to ease his conscience.

Exhausted by the weight of recent and future events I just want to curl up and hibernate, which I must admit, is an improvement. Instead however, I take my warm milk from the microwave and curl up next to my best friend on her parents sofa. Together we are wrapped in the softest blanket and settled down to watch the ‘not at all cheesy but tragically romantic,’ Moulin Rouge.