The Ocean (25 page)

“You guys go ahead; I’l hitch a ride with Brandon.” I took another big gulp of the beer; the sooner I finished it, the sooner I could go home.

“You sure?” Mason asked.

“Yeah, I’m good,” I said. They stood and left. Chiz, however, didn’t. He sat there and wouldn’t shut up. I took a few more drinks of my beer. Then suddenly, I felt a little off. I had trouble focusing on his face as he was tel ing me about the latest gossip from the cheerleaders.

“You don’t look so good, dude,” he said.

“I don’t feel so good, dude,” I said, leaning back.

“Let’s get away from this crowd.” He helped me stand. I teetered. Some kids looked at me; I waved. “Come on, lightweight.” We stumbled to the stairs and up to his room. He literal y threw me on his bed. I was there sideways with my face in the comforter. I couldn’t move though.

“What-s-wrong wit me,” I mumbled.

“Just shut-up,” he said. He stood at the door. It was cracked, and he was looking out. The door opened, and I looked over and saw Gianna come in.

“Hey, babe,” I said smiling.

“Hey, yourself, baby.” It wasn’t her voice; it was Jil ian’s voice.

“What-s-wrong with your voice?” I tried to sit up and get a better look at her.

“Nothing. How are you feeling?” She sat down beside me and held my face up to hers, scrutinizing my eyes.

“Better now that you’re here. Are you stil grounded? I’m sorry I got you in trouble.” She cut her eyes to Chiz; he shrugged.

“Don’t worry about that. We’re together now. Are you ready to go home?”

“Yeah, I wish you could spend the night again.” I put my hand behind her neck. She moaned and smiled.

“I love you, Gia,” I breathed, as I closed my eyes. “So much.” I opened my now heavy eyelids, and she was frowning. “What-s-wrong babe?”

“Nothing. Where’s your phone?” she snapped at me. I reached into my pocket and handed it to her. She smiled, then whispered, “I love you, too.” She put her hand on the back of my neck and pul ed me to her. We kissed, but it wasn’t right; it wasn’t sweet; it was forced. I tried to pul away, but she only relaxed her hold a little. She climbed onto my lap, straddling me. I tried to kiss her the way we usual y kissed. She pul ed away and held her arm away from us. I kissed her neck, but it didn’t smel right; it smel ed like Jil ian, not the soft coconut-like scent of Gianna.

“Gawd! Hurry up.” Chiz stood by the door refusing to look at us.

“Almost done,” she hissed. She pul ed off her shirt. She pressed herself against me, and I fel back. I couldn’t hold my eyes open.

“Travis? Travis? He passed out.” She was annoyed now.

“That’s because you gave him too much. Let’s get him home.” Chiz came over to where we were.

“One more.” She lay across me and pressed her lips to mine. “Fine, now we just need the letters.” What was she talking about? I tried to ask, but al I did was moan. “It’s OK, Travis. It wil be over soon, and everything wil be as it should be.” Everything went black. I didn’t hear anything; I didn’t see anything—just darkness.

The Waves, Rushing, Rolling, Pulling You Under, Drowning You

Gianna

I stood by my locker until I had only two minutes before first period started. I tried to cal Travis’ cel , but it went straight to voice mail. I sent him a text right before class started.

Where are you?

He didn’t respond. I was a little worried about him. Chiz was waiting by the lockers when I came out of my first period.

“You missed a party last night. Travis got smashed.” He high-fived a boy that was walking the opposite direction.

“That doesn’t sound like him,” I said.

“Wel , last night it was; he was funny.”

“Real y,” I said flatly, apprehensive of Chiz. I was at my locker when Alex came up to me.

“Where is he?” he asked. I looked at Chiz. He looked innocently back at us.

“Who?” he asked Alex.

“TRAVIS!” he boomed. I shoved my books into my locker and grabbed his shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“That DICKHEAD sent me a picture. Look.” He shoved his phone at me. I opened a text that said, Can you keep a secret?

There was a picture of Travis kissing Jil ian’s neck and her smiling at the camera. I dropped the phone and fel against the locker. Chiz reached around me and held me up at my waist. Alex picked up his phone and dialed a number. He cursed and pushed more buttons.

“I gotta get to class. Sorry to drop this on you now.” He put his hand on my arm but turned to leave. Chiz loosened his grip on me, and I steadied myself against the locker.

“Are you OK? Do you want to get out of here?” Chiz asked me.

“No, I want to go to class.” I took out my books and left him standing there.

I sat in my second period. I couldn’t focus on anything, just the picture of Jil ian there with bangs, smiling at me. She didn’t have bangs, I suddenly thought. Maybe it was an old picture and somehow got sent to Alex. That had to be it; it was the only thing that made sense.

Then my phone vibrated.

I thought I loved you but I don’t think I do.

“What?” I said out loud. Everyone looked at me, and my teacher repeated what she had just said. My hands began to tremble. I sat on them to try to steady them. After class, before I made my way to my third period, I stood at my locker longer than I should have and was almost late to class.

Where are you? we need to talk.

I sent him a text back. I settled into my seat, sat my phone at the top of the desk, and stared at it.

No, it’s not working out, I have too much stuff to deal with right now.

I grabbed my phone and began frantical y to text a response, not caring about the stares I was receiving.

“Miss Moretti, do I have to take your phone until the end of the day? I’m not tel ing you again.” I looked up; Mrs. Thomason’s eyes were glued to me. I put my phone away. I slouched in my seat and stared at nothingness. I didn’t take notes, and I didn’t speak when she addressed me again. I didn’t get any more texts from him. I went to my locker before lunch. There was no note in my locker; he wasn’t standing beside his locker. I wondered if he had skipped school. I didn’t understand why he felt this way and was doing this. Abby found me at my locker.

“You look like hel ,” she said half-smiling. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. I think Travis broke up with me,” I said, closing my locker.

“No way. Why do you think that?” I fil ed her in and showed her the texts I’d gotten from him. “Let me go find Mason.” She disappeared into the crowd. I went to go into the cafeteria and was blocked by Chiz. I tried to sidestep him, but he moved to block me again.

“I’m not sure you want to go in there,” he said, looking at me sadly.

“Why?” I asked, as I tried to look around him.

“It’s pretty ugly in there.”

“Is he in there?” I pushed past him. He held his hands up in the air and let me pass.

“This is my favorite one.” Jil ian began to read in a softer delicate tone, “‘I’m not a shiny new toy; I’m dingy and some of my parts don’t work.

Because they’ve been broken and glued back together. So be gentle with me.’” There was a rumble of laughter as she shuffled pages. “Another line. ‘I don’t know how fair it is to be happy in here. It holds a lot of bad memories for me and Alex. And when I think of you, I am scared too. I think it’s the good kind; it’s the scared that makes my heart race and my palms sweaty.’ Talk about embarrassing.” No one laughed this time; they were al staring at me, and I was staring at her back. She looked at her audience and held her hand up palm up. She slowly turned to see me standing there. Her new bangs were cut in a perfect straight line. I would have thought she looked real y pretty. I might have even complimented her if I hadn’t already seen the picture of Travis kissing her neck.

I ran to the hal and slammed myself against the lockers. I had to catch my breath; I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t move. The tears found my eyes, but they hadn’t escaped yet. Standing in the door was Jil ian, holding al the letters I’d written him over the past few months.

“You thought Travis would keep these a secret from me?” she smiled innocently. “We’ve shared a lot of firsts: first kiss, first time, first loves. Don’t you see how little you mean to him now? I warned you. It’s real y your own fault for being so stupid.” A single tear escaped my eye. “Aw, did I hurt the baby’s feelings? Do you see me?” She waved her hand down her side as she said that. “I’m everything he wants, even when he doesn’t know what he wants. I’m what most boys want. And he gets me. He gets me more than he’l ever get you. I get him, more than you’l ever get him.” The second tear escaped my eye. “This is so embarrassing; he should have talked to you first. He promised he would, but we both know he has trouble keeping promises.”

I straightened up, wiped my cheek, and avoided her eyes. I turned and walked down the hal with my head held straight ahead. I wouldn’t cry anymore for her. I would do that at home, and I was going there right now. I walked past the office; Travis was standing there at the counter talking with one of the secretaries. I paused and watched him. He smiled politely, and she handed him a pass. I slammed through the front door and ran. I made it to the truck before another tear escaped. I drove aimlessly, as the tears slowly streamed down my face, one by one. I counted fifteen. They ended, and I final y found our street and our driveway. I went inside. I expected no one to be there, but standing in the kitchen leaning against the counter reading the paper was my father. I tried to walk past him unnoticed.

“Did school let out early?” he asked inquisitively.

“I didn’t feel wel , so I left early.” I went to the dining room and up the stairs, grabbed some sweat shorts and a tank top, went to the bathroom, and took a shower. I let the hot water run over my head and down my body. The tears came again. Al the tears of my father’s abuse, my mother’s death, Mitchel ‘s betrayal, and now Travis’s betrayal came rushing out of me.

Travis. I loved him. I missed him. But he didn’t love me. I heaved and cried, sliding down in the tub. The water ran over me as the ocean of tears flooded me. I sat there with my knees pul ed up to me until the water turned cold. I came out of the shower, toweled off, and put on my clothes without any undergarments. I brushed my hair and went to my room.

“Do you want something to eat?” I heard Oliver yel .

“No, I’m sick to my stomach.” I went to my room and shut the door. My phone sang a pop song. It was Abby. I hit the REJECT button. Three missed cal s. Abby, Alex, Mason. I put my phone on silent. I put my ear buds in and climbed into my bed. I covered myself in darkness. I listened to loud rock music. That would help me escape. My phone lit up under the dark covers I looked over at the name it displayed. The picture was Travis and me that first night by the bonfire. I’d thought al my tears had come, but then they came once more in numbers that I couldn’t count, one drowning the other, making lines across my nose, tracing my cheek to puddles in my pil ow. At some point I fel asleep because when I opened my eyes, my room was darker. The sun was beginning to set. My phone was lost somewhere in my covers or on the floor. I wasn’t sure. I was sure it was almost dead. A light came on from the floor. I reached down and grabbed it, scrapping it across my hardwood floor. Twenty-three missed cal s, mostly from Travis. A tear escaped my eye. I lay there staring at my white ceiling, wishing I could disappear. There was a knock at my door. I didn’t answer. It opened anyway.

“There’s someone here to see you.” Oliver poked his head in.

“I don’t want to see anyone,” I said with a catch in my throat.

“He’s been pretty insistent, been here for a while. And said he won’t leave until I let him see you.” He opened the door further. “Just hear what he has to say and then you can make him leave. I’l make him leave for you.” I sat up and pushed the covers off. I stood to go to the door.

“You might want to change and brush your hair.” He surveyed me in my short shorts and tank top.

“This wil be fast,” was al I said as I slipped on my flip-flops. I did, however, run my fingers through my hair as I began to descend the stairs. Travis leaned uncomfortably against the wal by the front door. I stood in front of him with my arms folded.

“Can we step outside?” He looked awkwardly at Oliver, who stil loomed behind me on the stairs.

“Fine, whatever.” I pul ed open the door and went to the porch and sat on the first step, my arms on my knees.

“Tel me what happened?” He sat beside me and searched me earnestly.

“What do you mean? You gave Jil ian my letters, the ones that I poured my soul into, and you gave them to her. Has she had them since the beginning?” I couldn’t even look at him. Tear two escaped my eye.

“I didn’t give Jil the letters. I don’t even know how she found them or when. You came to the party last night—,” he trailed off. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say.

“I didn’t go to a party. I was at home, grounded. Remember? They were laughing at me! She said you gave her the letters, and she was reading them to everyone, and they were laughing at me! You dumped me VIA TEXT!” I stood and moved to the walkway; I had to get away from him. He reached for me, and I scrunched my shoulders and held up my hands for him to stay away from me. He stood and fol owed me, grabbing my wrist and turning me toward him. He stepped to me as he held it to my side. His other hand cupped my face as he looked into my eyes.

“I didn’t dump you. Chiz has had my phone since last night. He didn’t give it to me until I came to school. I guess I forgot it at his house. I never sent you a text. How can I make this better? Can’t you see what they’re doing? She’s trying to tear us apart again.” He spoke barely above the whisper.

“It’s working. How can I show my face?” I pul ed away.

“It only works if we let her win.”

“If you didn’t give her the letters, then how did she get them?” The look on his face was suddenly fil ed with horror. I felt al the strength drain from my body as if I were about to col apse.

“I thought it was you, but even then it stil didn’t feel right.” He shook his head.