The Ocean (19 page)

“I don’t want you to regret being with me if you want to be with her.” I focused my eyes on the bul etin board beside us. I knew the next part would be harder for me. “So I think maybe we should take a break; maybe we need some time apart.” My mind was clearer now than I thought it would be when I practiced saying it in my head.

“I don’t need time. I know who I want to be with. I want to be with you.” I was sure he was just confused. Chiz was stil in my head saying, Him with you, wishing he was with her. I couldn’t blame him; Jil ian was unbelievably gorgeous. I couldn’t compete with that, and I wouldn’t anymore.

“I need time though, so I want to take a break.” I refused to look at him as I broke his hold on me, turned away, and walked to the window, looking out on the bright sunny day. He came and stood behind me.

“Don’t do this,” he begged softly, but I didn’t turn to him. I didn’t say anything to him.

And after a few minutes, I heard him walking toward the door; then I heard it open and close. I buried my face in my hands, again wil ing the tears to come, but they didn’t. I was empty of tears and just plain empty.

Travis

It was surreal. I couldn’t believe she ended it so easily. There were no tears, no emotions at al . I didn’t know the girl who was standing in front of me.

I began to wonder if I’d meant anything to her. At first, I was relieved that I hadn’t told her I loved her. Then I thought if I had said something maybe we wouldn’t have broken up. I felt a void. I’m sure people talked to me after I left that room, but I didn’t hear anything.

At practice, I told the coach I wasn’t feeling wel , and he let me sit out for most of it. I stil had to run laps, but that was fine. I didn’t have to interact with anyone else. I ran extra laps and was the last one in the locker room. I heard, “He’s a mess. He didn’t even look this bad when he and Jil ian broke up.” Mason was talking to Alex, and I stood on the other side of the row of lockers.

“She was, too, yesterday, sat in her room al day staring at a painting, listening to her music. The last time she did that was for three days after our mother died. I’m worried about her. She’s taking this real y hard.” I heard him sit on the bench. “I don’t know what to say to her either. I feel so helpless.”

“Maybe they need to be locked in a room to work this out. You can tel how strongly they care about each other.” Didn’t work, I thought as I rounded the corner, saying loudly, “I’m here now; you can stop talking about me,” in as light-hearted a tone as I could manage. They both looked at me, not believing my expression.

“I’m going to give Gia a cal so she can come get me.” Alex stood and turned to his locker to retrieve his cel phone.

“Dude, don’t. I’l give you a ride.” I pul ed my shirt over my head so he couldn’t see how badly I needed to take him home; I needed to be near her.

“Are you sure?” He turned and faced me.

“Of course.” I turned to my locker, gathered my things, and headed for the shower.

The ride home was an awkward silence. We didn’t talk much for the first half of the ride. “She wants to take a break,” I final y forced myself to tel him, as if there were any question.

“She wants to take a break?” He looked at me like he didn’t believe me.

“Yes, SHE wants to take a break. And there’s nothing I can do but give her space. And it’s kil ing me, man.” I checked my mirrors and kept my eyes on the road to avoid his.

“Why would she want to take a break?” Alex’s arm dangled out of the window.

“She thinks I stil want to be with Jil ian. That is so the opposite of what I want. Maybe she thinks it’s too hard to be with me while Jil ian is there trying to break us up. I guess now I know how far Jil ian wil go to do that. She’s turning into quite a psycho. I wish Gia could see how much I care about her.” I pul ed in front of his house.

“I’l try to talk to her again; yesterday didn’t help much. She wouldn’t even tel me why she let Chiz bring her home Saturday. She real y can’t stand him, but Oliver said he brought her home, walked her to the door, and everything.” Alex reached for his bag. I slammed my fist against the steering wheel. He looked up at me.

“You didn’t tel me Chiz took her home! God only knows what that prick said to her. Now I know why at lunch today he wouldn’t shut up about a mystery girl he met in the park. He said she was smart and pretty, but he didn’t know her name, only where she lived. Said he kissed her. Do you think he kissed Gia, that she kissed him? And that’s why she wants to take a break, because of him, because she wants to be with him and not me?” My mind was reeling.

“No, no way! She would have told me if she kissed him, and if she liked him. She knows how I feel about him, and she knows what he said in the locker room.” He shook his head, but I could see that he wasn’t convinced himself. “I’l try to find out. Either way I’l text you what happens.” He opened the door to leave and turned to me to give me a hopeful look. “Have a little faith in her. She’s been through a lot, and I don’t know how much more she can take. I’m real y worried about her.” He got out and shut the door behind him, leaning in the open window. “I’l text you.” I only nodded, the knot in my stomach growing ever tighter.

After dinner and after homework, I lay on my bed tossing a footbal in the air and staring at the ceiling. Her play list played on my computer, and I was lost in the handful of memories we had. The moments I swore I’d not take for granted, but that seemed so far away. The way she felt in my arms, the way her long curls sprang as she walked down the stairs. The way she cooked. I missed her food.

My cel phone dinged. It was a message from Alex.

Not with Chiz, doesn’t want to be.

Good, is she mad at me?

No, really hurt, just needs time. She’ll come around.

And that was it. I had hope. She wasn’t angry with me. She didn’t want to be with someone else. I wanted to prove to her somehow that I was stil going to be there for her.

Gia,

I’m not going anywhere. Sometimes things look one way when they are completely different. That’s what happened Saturday night. Maybe I should have done this first. You would have read this and seen that I don’t want to be with anyone but you. I will be here, right where you left me when you are ready to come back to me. There is a reason for everything, and sometimes out of tragedy, you can find something really good. I think I was brought into your life to show you that you deserve the good. I know you were brought in my life to show me what true love felt like. I wrote it. Love. I can’t believe I just wrote that, but I did, and I do. I love you. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I don’t know if I can ever love anyone else like I love you right now. And my heart feels broken. But I’m not going anywhere.

Love,

Travis

I felt better after I wrote the letter, but also nervous because what if it was too late? What if it didn’t matter anymore and it was over? I refused to think about that. Al I knew was that tomorrow I would give her my letter, and I would leave it up to her.

I went to sleep final y, wel into the morning hours. I didn’t sleep wel , and my alarm sounded too soon. I got up, showered, and was dressed and out the door. My mom gave me an encouraging hug before I left, whispering in my ear, “Hang in there champ.” I had gushed uncharacteristical y over dinner the night before. I told Hailey and her everything. I told them how awful Jil ian had been last year. I told them how I’d first seen Gia and knew I had to know her. I told them why she was so special to me, that I told her things I’d never told anyone. And I told them I was in love with her. Hailey’s eyes were wide the whole time. I probably told too much, saying things I shouldn’t have in front of her, but I’d held it in long enough. It was time my mom knew who Jil ian was.

When I made it to school and saw Gia hadn’t arrived yet, I put the note in her locker and went to my class early. I was studying my notes when Jil ian came in slamming her books down. I had completely ignored her the day before, making her do our experiment al by herself.

“You are such an ass.” She plopped onto the stool.

“Fine with me.” I didn’t look up. She huffed and leaned into me, so close I could smel her perfume. It was nauseating.

“I get it; you’re mad at me. And you want me to pay. I’m sorry I kissed you, but I didn’t break you two up. You did that.” I looked at her, her eyes steady on me. “If your relationship wasn’t strong enough to withstand a little kiss, then maybe you aren’t meant to be. You should be thanking me for getting you out of that mess. Did you know her dad was in prison?” she spat the words as she shook her head, appal ed. I leaned back and surveyed her, her tight halter top and short skirt against her tan skin. She looked fake. Everything about her was fake. She realized I was surveying her and a smile crept into the corners of her mouth. She didn’t say anything else to me as she turned, probably to give me a better look at her back side. She completely misinterpreted my expression. At this point I didn’t care. I went back to work and ignored her the rest of the class.

I stood at my locker before lunch. Gia came around the corner, stiffening when she saw me at my locker. I smiled hopeful y, but she looked away. I swal owed hard and turned to make my way to the cafeteria. I passed Abby and Mason on my way; they looked sadly at me. I didn’t want anyone’s pity. I wanted Gianna. Mason turned and put his arm around my shoulders.

“Hey, don’t eat with the clique today; eat with us.” He squeezed and let go.

“I can’t sit that close to her.” I looked down at the ground. “Besides she wants space from me so I’m going to give it to her,” I added, as I sped up my pace leaving him behind. To make things worse she sat with her back to me. I couldn’t see her face. I could tel by the expressions on Abby, Mason, and Alex’s faces that she probably wasn’t doing any better than I was. I thought that after she read my note and realized how I felt about her, that things would change. I hoped that she would confess to me that she loved me, too. I had hoped, but it looked as if once again I didn’t know this girl as I thought I did. Maybe I was in love with the idea of her. Maybe I so desperately hoped that there was someone good out there after al those years with Jil ian. Maybe I wasn’t ready for a relationship, and Jil ian had scarred me worse than I had thought. I stared at my plate, analyzing my emotions, trying to make sense of everything.

“What do you think, Travis?” Chiz asked.

“Um, yeah, whatever,” I responded, not even caring what he was rambling about.

“I’m going to do it tonight then. She’s amazing.” He had a cheesy smile on his face.

“Do what?” I asked, scrutinizing his expression.

“Ask the girl out. She just broke up with her boyfriend, so it couldn’t be better timing.” He gleamed, high-fiving Brandon. I glared at him. He didn’t notice.

I devised a plan. If she was going to move on from me so fast, I was going to at least make it difficult for her. Alex kept tel ing me that she didn’t like Chiz, but I wasn’t going to let him ask her out without making it a little uncomfortable. Alex agreed that if I were there, it would be harder for her to just agree and let him have his way. When dinner was over, I went back to their house with the premise that Alex and I were going to play video games.

That was a logical explanation. Just because she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore didn’t mean that he wasn’t my friend.

At seven-thirty I stepped up to the front door, hoping I wasn’t already too late. I rang the bel . Mr. Morretti answered the door, and his eyebrows raised. He didn’t address me; he just cal ed to Alex, “Alex, your friend is here.” He turned and climbed the stairs. I came in and shut the door. Alex appeared in the doorway between their dining room and living room, smiling and holding a big bowl of popcorn.

“Perfect timing, dude. He hasn’t shown up yet,” he spoke in a hushed tone, as he sat down and reset his game to two players. I sat down beside him.

“Where’s Gia?” I asked, as I picked up the receiver.

“In her room, where else? She barely ate dinner and went right to her room.” He didn’t look at me, but I knew he was stil worried.

We played for a good half hour before the doorbel rang again. I looked at Alex nervously. He smiled, “Show time.” He answered the door speaking so low I couldn’t hear him. Then I heard louder, “Sure, come on in. I have to go get her.” He didn’t turn toward me. He just climbed the stairs and disappeared. I kept playing the game with my back to Chiz, whom I knew was standing there between the front door and the back of the couch.

“Travis, man, hey. I didn’t see your car out front.” I turned to see him rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yeah, I parked a couple houses down. The neighbor was parked out front when I got here.” Even though it was the truth, we had planned for me to park down the street.

“Ah, I see. I was just checking on Gia to see how she’s doing. I know it’s been a tough couple days for her, and I’m not just your friend, you know.” He laughed, but he was a bad liar and a bad friend.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” I continued playing my game. I heard the footsteps on the stairs. I turned to see Gia fol owing Alex, and I saw her stiffen when she realized I was sitting there on the couch. She looked from Chiz to Alex, then to me accusingly.

“Do you mind stepping outside with me for a minute?” Chiz asked, as he moved toward the door, glancing at me anxiously.

“OK,” she said. She had looked so beautiful today in her black dress, and though she wore sweat shorts and a tank top, she looked equal y beautiful with no makeup and her hair pul ed up in a ponytail. It was hard to look away from her, but I had no choice because she led him to the front porch. Alex shut the door and turned on the porch light. Then he motioned for me to come with him. I paused the game, and he waved his hand for me to leave it going, so I unpaused it. It was background noise. Maybe on the porch it sounded as if we were stil playing the game. He squatted down by the front window. I sat beside him. The window was barely cracked. I hadn’t even noticed before that it was open. I was grateful for his attention to detail. We listened. There was silence for a few seconds.