The No-cry Sleep Solution (18 page)

Where’s Mommy and Daddy? I want things the way they were when I fell asleep! Wahhh!”

Your baby makes a sleep association, in that she associates certain things with falling asleep and believes she
needs
these things to fall asleep. My baby, Coleton, spent much of his first few months in my arms or on my lap, his little head bobbing to the tune of my computer keyboard. From the very moment he was born, he slept beside me, nursing to sleep for every nap and every bedtime. By the time I looked up, he was twelve months old, firmly and totally entrenched in a breastfeeding-to-sleep association.

This sleep association philosophy is explained in nearly every book on babies and sleep. When the association is described, no gentle solutions are ever given. It is with the intent of “breaking”

this association that the cry-it-out process is recommended. In my opinion—one you probably share, since you’ve chosen this book—this is a very harsh and insensitive way to teach a baby a new association, particularly when he’s learned to associate sleep with a loving ritual such as breastfeeding or being held and rocked in a parent’s arms while enjoying a warm bottle. (And what is the new association? “Crying alone in my crib in the dark is the way I fall asleep”? Not a very pleasant alternative.)

Learn Basic Sleep Facts

47

Chapter 4 explains the myriad alternatives to crying it out, ways to slowly and lovingly help your baby create new falling-to-sleep associations. (For the best results from this book, please follow all the steps in order. Learning about these basic facts is an important step. Don’t rush ahead just yet.)

What Is a Sleep Problem?

During the first year of life, a baby wakes up frequently during the night. As you have now learned, this is not a problem. It is a biological fact. The
problem
lies in our perceptions of how a baby should sleep and in our own needs for an uninterrupted night’s sleep. We parents want and need our long stretches of sleep to function at our best in our busy lives. The idea then is to slowly, respectfully, and carefully change our baby’s behavior to match our own needs more closely.

How Much Sleep Do Babies Need?

Table 2.1 on page 48 is only a guide; all babies are different, and some truly do need less (or more) sleep than shown here, but the vast majority of babies have similar sleep needs. If your baby is not getting
close to
the amount of sleep on this chart, he may be chronically overtired—and this will affect the quality and length of both his nap and nighttime sleep. Your baby may not
seem
tired, because overtired babies (and children) don’t always
act
tired—at least not in the ways we expect. Instead, they may be clingy, hyperactive, whiny, or fussy. They may also resist sleep, not understanding that sleep is what they really need.

48

The No-Cry Sleep Solution

Mother-Speak

“This describes Melissa to a ‘T.’ When she’s overtired she gets really whiny and clingy and she fights sleep like it is the ultimate enemy! Yet, if she doesn’t get a nap, she actually ends up sleeping less at night, and having more night wakings.”

Becky, mother of thirteen-month-old Melissa

This guide can be very helpful as you analyze your baby’s sleep habits.

Table 2.1 Average hours of daytime and nighttime sleep for babies Total of

Total length

nighttime

Number of

of naptime

Nighttime

and naptime

Age

naps

hours

sleep hours* sleep

Newborn**

1 month

3

6–7

81⁄2 –10

15–16

3 months

3

5–6

10–11

15

6 months

2

3–4

10–11

14–15

9 months

2

21⁄2–4

11–12

14

12 months

1–2

2–3

111⁄2–12

13–14

2 years

1

1–2

11–12

13

3 years

1

1–11⁄2

11

12

4 years

0

0

111⁄2

111⁄2

5 years

0

0

11

11

*These are averages, and they do not represent unbroken stretches of sleep.

**Newborn babies sleep 16–18 hours per day, distributed evenly over six to seven brief sleep periods.