The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (26 page)

there. Recently he stopped this routine and has been going into his

own room every night. I always felt he should be sleeping in his own

room, but now that he’s actually doing it, I’m stunned at how much I

miss having him with us.”

— Father to eight-year-old Jacob

“ I had to answer ‘never’ to all of the questions on the separation anxi-

ety survey because I have never been away from my daughter on a

business trip or a vacation or even an overnight. Maybe
that
says something about my separation anxiety.”

— Mother to four-year-old Maria

“ My anxiety comes from the awareness that his safety is at risk when

he is with someone else, even his daddy, who can be more relaxed

than I am. Lucas is very quick and curious, and as you know, it takes

only one second to lose track of a toddler! I fear sometimes that

Daddy might get to talking or working on his computer and not real-

ize Lucas has discovered something interesting but dangerous. I am

always relieved when the day is done and we are all home and safe

together.”

— Mother to two-year-old Lucas

“ My anxiety is the main problem—hers is secondary. I know that it

is normal for her to feel separation anxiety, but the feelings that she

picks up on from me worsen her experience. It is so hard for me to

leave her. It seems that leaving her somehow means that I’m aban-

doning her, even though in my brain I know I’m not.”

— Mother to three-year-old Lis Ana

“ Being a stay-at-home mom, I’m around my daughter almost 24/7. I

feel like I’m the person who knows her best—I understand the few

words that she says, and I know what she needs. It’s hard for me to

hand her over to anybody else. In my mind, I know everything will

turn out fi ne, and my daughter enjoys staying with others, but in my

heart, it’s so hard to let go. To be honest, I really take pleasure in

Parents’ Separation Anxiety
135

being needed by my child, because I’ve never been needed like this

before in my life. It doesn’t feel like it’s a sacrifi ce. I know it won’t last

forever; she’s only young once.”

— Mother to eighteen-month-old Elisa

“ When I took my fi rstborn child to nursery school (when he was two),

I used to get stomachaches every morning. His caregiver was try-

ing to comfort me, saying what a great time he was having there

and that he actually stopped crying the minute I left school. She

knew, though, that I was still very worried, so she gave me a CD

with pictures of my son at nursery school (taken throughout the day)

showing him having a great time. I browsed through the photos with

tears in my eyes and had the pictures set as the screensaver on my

computer at work so I can look at his smiling face every day!”

— Mother to four-year-old Nicolas

“ I recently sent my fi ve-year-old daughter to her fi rst ‘slumber party.’

She stayed the night with my cousin who has a daughter her age. I

did not want her to go at all! I felt so blue the entire evening. Even

though I knew she was having fun and in good care, I didn’t sleep

that night because I was feeling her absence from the house.”

— Mother to fi ve-year-old Isabella

“ This is what I consider
for me
to be ‘healthy’ maternal separation

anxiety: having a great time being away but missing her like crazy,

talking about her to others, looking forward to seeing her as soon as

I get back, and a feeling of euphoria when we are reunited.”

— Mother to twenty-two-month-old Annika

The Test Parent Survey

The separation anxiety test parents completed a questionnaire about

their own emotions when separating from their children. Knowing

that others feel the same way as you do can be very reassuring. The

following chart provides a summary of their shared experiences:

136 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Test Parents’ Adult Separation Anxiety

Questionnaire Summaries

Many

Reaction to Separation

Never

Once

Occasionally

Times

Felt sadness in my heart

0%

0% 39%

61%

when I left my child

Worried about my child

0%

3%

42%

55%

even when he/she was left

in good care

Rushed through something

10%

9%

40%

41%

to get back to my child

Made an excuse so I didn’t

16%

9%

35%

40%

have to leave my child

Turned down an invitation

15%

6%

47%

32%

because I’d rather be with

my child

Felt physical pain (e.g.,

52%

8%

24%

16%

stomachache) from missing

my child

Felt guilty for leaving my

5%

16%

29%

50%

child when he/she was

crying

Felt like I was doing some-

26%

8%

29%

37%

thing wrong when I left my

child

Was surprised by the

9%

3%

45%

43%

strength of my own separa-

tion anxiety

Felt that I am the only one

8%

8%

41%

43%

who really understands my

child

Cried when we separated

34%

37%

13%

16%

due to my own feelings

about parting

Felt great relief when we

8%

3%

26%

63%

were reunited

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution © Better Beginnings, Inc.

Parents’ Separation Anxiety
137

Tips for Parents Who Feel Separation Anxiety

I suspect that you see yourself in some—if not many—of these parents’

comments. The test parents in this group are from all over the world,

and they have children of varying ages. Their families are of every

imaginable makeup. From this I have learned that no matter the dif-

ferences, we are remarkably alike in many ways. As you can see, a par-

ent’s separation anxiety is very normal, and it can be a big challenge.

No matter if your anxiety is slight or intense, or whether it’s short-lived

or lasts for years, the following ideas can help you temper your feelings

for your own peace of mind as well as your child’s benefi t.

•
Accept that some separation anxiety is healthy.
Don’t try to

eliminate all your feelings of separation anxiety. These emotions

exist for very good reasons. First, they will guide you as you make

choices about when and how to leave your child. They will help you

decide if you are choosing the right caregiver and the right setting.

They can also keep you close to your child so that you will know if

something is wrong or troubling him.

The pain you feel when you are apart is an integral element of the

intense love you carry in your heart for your child. It is a defi ning

part of your relationship that makes it rise head and shoulders above

all other relationships that your child will have in his life. I have

learned that teenagers who have parents with this kind of deep, fer-

vent love stay closer to the family over time, and they come through

the typical challenges of the teen years much easier. So don’t wish

away all your heartfelt tenderness—it is an important part of being

a loving parent.

Professional-Speak

“Your anguish at being away from your child will convey itself,

but it is part of your caring. Recognizing these feelings will

bring the two of you closer.”

—T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., author of Touchpoints: Birth to Three

138 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

•
Acknowledge that some separation is a good thing for your

child.
It’s likely that a part of your anxiety is based on the feeling

that you can take care of your child better than anyone else can.

And you know what? That’s probably true! However, even if other

caregivers don’t do things exactly as you do, it’s more than likely that

your child will adapt and accept these differences. Furthermore, your

child’s world will be fi lled with people other than you, and it’s a won-

derful growing experience for him to learn that
different
does not

mean
bad
. Actually, it will be much easier for him to learn this now

than when he gets older, so bask in the opportunity for his sake.

•
Get busy!
As much as you may miss your child when you are

apart, this is a great opportunity to do things that are more easily

accomplished without a child attached to your hip. So don’t let the

hours pass by nonchalantly, and don’t spend them absorbed in worry

or guilt. Make use of the time in a healthy and productive way. Go

for a jog, take a bike ride, go out to lunch, clean your closet, get a

manicure, or go shopping. Create a schedule of what you’ll do while

Alyssa, twenty-two months old, and Mikaela, three years old

Parents’ Separation Anxiety
139

your child is gone, so you don’t fi nd yourself undecided and lacking

the motivation to
do
something.

If your child will be gone for large amounts of time on a regular

basis, such as after a divorce, plan to use those times in a fruitful way.

Join a health club, take a class, join a mother’s club, start music les-

sons, learn to paint, write a book, or start a hobby. Create a to-do list

or a wish-to-do list, and keep it posted in a visible place. When you

fi nd yourself wandering aimlessly through the house, pick something

from your list and get busy!

•
Rely on friendships.
You may have had more time for your

friends before children entered your life; it’s common that adult

friendships lose out when young children arrive on the scene. This

is an important time for you to rekindle and nurture those relation-

ships that may have fallen by the wayside. Friends who also have

young children can be helpful as they likely have feelings similar to

yours. Friends with older children are like gold because they likely

have lived through this phase and have the wisdom of experience.

Friends without children have important value because they can pull

you out of your child-centered existence for a short time and draw

you into activities and conversation that don’t revolve around par-

enting topics.

•
Curb your nervousness around your child.
Children are

remarkably perceptive. If you are anxious and worried about your

separation from your child, then she may create worries based on

your modeling. Avoid repeated declarations of love. Don’t make pas-

sionate promises of a rapid return. Instead, do your best to be cheer-

ful and relaxed at times of separation. Save your worried face, if you

still have one, until the door between you closes.

•
Plan something for the two of you to look forward to.
Set

up an activity or even a chunk of casual playtime for when you and

your child are reunited. When you set up something specifi c, you’ll

enjoy thinking about the pleasure you’ll share at that time. Having

a specifi c purpose in mind lets you anticipate a precise end to the

separation and frees you up to do other things until the prearranged

event.

Sometimes when parents are away from their children, they feel a

tug of guilt that when they were together, they didn’t take advantage

140 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

of the time. They were busy tending to other things and not really

spending as much time as they should have engaged with their child.

(That’s called life.) However, when you plan an activity to make the

most of your time together, you will fi nd that you can relax more

and even enjoy your time apart. This idea can also help your child

weather the separation, as she too will have special time with you to

look forward to.