The Nightmare Game (45 page)

“I was so happy being with him, except for
occasions when he would disappear for a few days or even weeks on end. That
drove me mad, but after a day or two, he would call me to tell me he was
alright, that he would be home soon and that he loved me. I told myself that
his disappearing act was just one of his idiosyncrasies, so I just accepted it,
the passive man that I was. Besides, when he came home, it would always be with
a plausible excuse. It was hard to stay mad at him because he would be so loving
upon his return, so full of new, entertaining stories. He would make me laugh
and smile again, and I always wound up loving him even more than I did before
he left.

“We even took a wonderful trip to Manhattan on my
vacation from work, which was a dream come true for me. On weekends we traveled
to the larger cities in our area and partied big. Even at home, we held soirees
with great regularity, to which we invited the more interesting people of the
vicinity, people I didn’t even know existed until he introduced them to me.

“Being with him was paradise. I was ecstatic and
my world had expanded. Life became one big gala, and I was making up for lost
time, for all the celebrations that I’d let pass me by.

“But then one day reality hit, as reality tends to
do. I was going through my accounts, something I once did with great
regularity, but which, that year, I’d neglected badly. It seemed that without
even realizing it, my young man and I had managed to run through my entire life
savings. It was a terrible shock, but I figured that even though the money was
gone, my young man and I still had each other. I was stupid to think that he
loved me as much as I loved him.”

A deep sadness overtook Ben. He looked down at his
hands again as if examining them, as if reliving the pain of the experience he
relayed.

“He laughed at me for that even as he packed his
bags. He was so calm, so cold when he announced that he was leaving me forever
and that the money was the only reason that he was ever with me. He said that
it was the only thing that an old man like me could ever have to offer him. I
had to have known all along that he would leave when it ran out. I shouldn’t
take it too personally, of course. He’d always been one to be on the lookout
for the best deal he could get; it was his nature, you see. Besides, he told
me, our situation was so apparent, so trite, how could I possibly imagine that
he would stay with me now? He wasn’t into poverty, didn’t I know that? It was
my own problem that I was too stupid to recognize the obvious and that wasn’t
his fault, it was mine!

“Ashley, I was crushed. I’d never had a real-life
lover until I met him!” Ben’s sorrow ran through me. “And I gave up so much to
be with him! While the young man and I had been together, my family renounced
me. For God’s sake, they said, Papa had been a rabbi, what would he and Mamma
have thought of me? It was a good thing they hadn’t lived long enough to see my
shame. My brothers and sisters, my aunts, uncles, everyone except for one
cousin renounced me, declaring that I had disgraced them. It was bad enough
that I was homosexual, they told me, maybe they could have dealt with that
quietly, privately. But did I have to be so public about it, so flamboyant? Did
I have to make sure that everybody knew?

“For decades I’d lived a life that my family found
acceptable and I was miserable for it. When, for the briefest time, I’d finally
been able to live the way I’d always dreamed about living, I was denounced for
it, perhaps forever. None of that really mattered, anyway, because now I felt
my life was truly over, and I was more miserable than ever. Why was it so
horrible, I wondered, for me to find my first love so late, at the age of
sixty-two? More importantly, why did I have to lose that love so soon?”

Ben held his head in his hands. Shaking his head,
he looked up at me, his eyes moist.

“I fretted myself to the point of death, almost
died of a broken heart. Because of my upbringing in the synagogue, suicide was
never an option, so I tried to go through the motions of living as best I
could, but failed. Until I met my young man, I’d never missed a day of work at
the library since I started there right after college. Now that he was gone, I
suddenly found myself unable to go in at all. I couldn’t even get out of bed. I
used up all of my sick leave, and I had a lot of it accumulated. It wasn’t
until they threatened to fire me that I managed to pull myself together enough
to go back into work. It was beyond difficult, but I desperately needed the
money. Not only had my young man and I gone through my entire life savings
while we were together, he had left me with substantial debts to boot. I was
grateful that at least I had my house and car paid off, because otherwise, I
think I would have wound up on the streets. Where I had once planned to take an
early retirement, I found I could no longer able to afford it. So I forced
myself back to work again, forced myself to find solace in my books again and
forced myself to ignore the looks and whispers of others.

“Life became so difficult that even the simplest
things took greatest effort. As weak a man as I had been before, I was far
weaker now, for my spirit was completely broken. Not that any of that mattered
in the end, because in less than a year after the young man left, I was
diagnosed with a bizarre new disease that was making its introduction into the
world. No one had ever heard of it before, and for a long time, it didn’t even
have a name. Later, they called it AIDs.

“While I had my suspicions, I’d never allowed
myself to think too hard upon what my young man might be doing whenever he was
away on his unexpected excursions. I’d made myself believe that he was only
attending to business and that he was being as faithful to me as I was being to
him. But in the back of my mind, I knew better. No matter how hard you try to
deny it, there’s always that part of you that knows, isn’t there?

“After my diagnosis, the library didn’t want me
back at all. Because of the curse my young man laid upon me, after a lifetime
of dependable service, I lost my benefits. I didn’t have the strength or the
will to fight my firing and this last blow rendered me too sick to work anyway.
A little over a week later, I wound up in the hospital.

“I was alone, shunned by those I loved. Ashley,
you can’t have any idea of how horrible that is. My family had left me, my once
sweet young man had left me, and nobody else cared. No one was there for me,
not even for so much as a short little appearance to brighten my day. The only
people I ever saw or spoke to were the hospital staff as they quickly went
about their rounds.

“The terrible thoughts that came into my mind as I
lay there dying made my situation even more unbearable. Having no company to
take my mind off things, I spent my last days reflecting back upon my life, and
I realized that while I had led a relatively long life, I had touched no one.
It was a terrible realization. My life had not mattered at all; it had meant
nothing. Those I had loved wanted nothing further to do with me and the world at
large was no better and no worse off for my having been in it. My life had been
nothing but a waste, a phenomenal waste of time and energy. In those moments, I
felt like less than a nothing, a huge, gigantic nothing. It’s a feeling that I
would not wish upon my worst enemy.

“But then, at my deathbed, finally so weak and so
sick that I was almost past despair, Arrosha came to me in the guise of a
nurse. While she may have fooled the others, she didn’t fool me. I looked up at
her and saw an angel. She was luminous, radiating a white light as if she were
light incarnate. She gazed at me with a gentle smile and asked if I wanted to
come with her. I thought she was the very angel of death, so I told her yes,
willingly, for I had had enough of this world. Then she took out the box that I
kept in the drawer by my deathbed which contained my cufflinks, the only
personal possessions I had brought with me. Holding it, she then touched my
cheek and all of my pain went away. I was sure I was dead, but instead she had restored
me and renewed me. To this day, I feel so privileged to be able to say that I’m
the only person she transformed personally, without a go-between. After that,
she walked me over to the mirror by the sink and showed me that transformation
which she had just performed.

“I could not believe my eyes. In the reflection
before me, I no longer beheld the withered gargoyle I thought myself to be, but
rather a tall, handsome young man. ‘It’s who you are now,’ she whispered
softly. ‘We must go.’ Taking me by the hand, she led me from the building. I
was still in my hospital gown, but no one saw us leave. It was then she brought
me here, to her mansion.

“That very night, I partook of the essence alone,
with Arrosha by my side to comfort me. That first essence allowed me to
comprehend fully this new chance at life that I’d been given. Under its
influence, I was able to see past the things I hated about myself. It gave me
true insight into the kind of man that I really wanted to be. It allowed me to
understand my deepest desires with greatest clarity.

“The next day, I felt those desires made real for
I was changed so much inside that I no longer recognized my own character. I
was no longer the passive little toad I’d detested all of my life, hating my
fear, my passivity, my inability to stand up to anyone. Gone was my cowardice,
my shame, my self-loathing. In their place now stood the qualities I’d admired
my entire life, but could never achieve, the qualities for which I’d aspired
during first essence. These were all qualities which I’d now attained, and I
was finally the kind of man I’d always wanted to be.

“Even though my transformation was done in a very slightly
different way than those of the others, which Arrosha told me was necessary
only because I was to be the leader, the first one chosen, I want you to
understand how important that transformation is, Ashley. It was with the
completion of that ceremony that I had finally become the kind of man I’d
admired my entire life. Now you see why I tell you how indispensable it is.
Trust me, it will change everything.”

“Okay, I understand why it’s so important now. At
least kind of.” I told him. One question, though, remained. “Ben, just for
curiosity’s sake, can I ask you something? That is, if you don’t mind.”

“Go ahead, ask me anything.”

“Did you ever find out what happened to that jerk
that left you? If it’s none of my business, just tell me.”

“Oh, no, I don’t mind, not at all. In my first
life, before I went into the hospital, I made many attempts to find him, but he
had disappeared completely. I thought about him all the time, though.

“Even after I came here, I still couldn’t forget
him. Even after all that he had done to me, he continued to haunt my dreams at
night; and during the day, no matter how hard I resisted, more often than not,
he still strayed into my thoughts. Oh, Ashley, how I strove to drive him out of
my mind; but it was as if he had taken possession of me and would not let me
go.

“I suppose one of the reasons that I relished my
time with Arrosha was that whenever she was around, I didn’t think of him. When
she was gone, I spent my time in the city, staying at her townhouse,
surrounding myself with my many new acquaintances and occupying my mind with
idle chatter, lest I think of him again. While all of that socializing soothed
my ego and served to give me new confidence, it still left me feeling empty and
longing for my long-gone young man, especially after the party was over and
everybody had gone home.

“I often asked Arrosha if she would bring me
someone special, hoping that a new love might drive him out of my mind. She
always answered that she would one day, but that I needed to wait and be
patient until the time was right. Afterwards, I would try hard to imagine that new
love, but always failed because I could never forget my first.

“Then, one evening, without warning, she summoned
me back early to the estate, announcing that she had, indeed, kept her promise
to me. When I laid eyes upon her newest addition to our home, I began to cry.
Standing there in front of me was my young man, the one and true love of my
life.

“You can’t possibly mean Geoffrey?” I asked in
disbelief.

“None other.”

“Geoffrey?” I repeated. While I was shocked on one
level, on another, I didn’t find it hard to imagine Geoffrey as the rotten,
cheating louse of Ben’s previous life.

“Yes. She said that she had saved him from his
deathbed as she had me. While of course he’d been infected before I had, the
dying just took a little longer for him. She told me that she could not have
brought him sooner because he needed to hit rock bottom first; otherwise, he
would not have been penitent enough to appreciate the gifts she wanted to give
him.”

“I still don’t get it” I said, still incredulous.
“How on earth could you have taken him back? He was cruel to you. He deserted
you. Ben, I don’t mean to be too blunt here, but let’s face it, the guy almost
killed you with his whoring around.”

“I know, I know. My head always told me that he
was poison, but to be honest, Ashley, I never had any real choice. The heart
wants what it wants. That’s the only excuse I have. He was my first love, my
only real love. I could never get over him, no matter how hard I tried. I know
that I have a blind spot for Geoffrey; I probably always will. He is my
weakness. Why, even lying dying in my hospital bed, I could never reason out my
love for him. It was all-consuming, it would never go away.

“But you must understand that I wasn’t taking back
the man that had left me. For all intents and purposes, he wasn’t the same
person anymore after his transformation ceremony. Not only was he healthy and
far younger and handsomer than ever before, what remained was the Geoffrey I
loved, not the Geoffrey that abandoned me. He was still my Geoffrey, just a
much, much better version of him.”

“The new and improved Geoffrey 2.0, guaranteed not
to crash, huh?” I asked, still shaking my head over this revelation.

“I guess you could say that,” he smiled. “You see,
Arrosha, in her infinite kindness, turned him into the decent, honest and
caring person that I needed him to be. This time around, his goodness wasn’t a
just mask or a scheme; it was who he really was at last, and his love for me
was real. I was finally secure in the knowledge that we could be together
forever now because he loved me and would be true to me always. Oh, Ashley, it
was so wonderful being reunited with the only man that I ever loved.”

I could think of nothing to say, but continued to
stare at Ben, still not understanding how such a wonderful guy could be so
devoted to the likes of Geoffrey. I knew my attitude was due almost exclusively
to the fact that I could barely stand the blond man.

“Can you see now why I’m so devoted to Arrosha?”
he continued. “When she returned my love to me, I was finally completely happy
and have been ever since his return. It’s her doing alone that’s made Geoffrey
a changed man. Like me, you see, he is so much more now than what he was before
in his other life.

“But he’s really not like you, is he Ben?” I felt
compelled to point out.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“What I mean is, you were never bad.”

“I was detestable.”

“No you weren’t,” I defended his old self.
“According to what you just told me, you may have been your own worst enemy,
but you were never bad or mean.

“Ben, you’re a good person now and it sounds to me
like you were a good person back then, too. It’s true you might not have been
the shiniest toy in the shop, but that’s no reason to keep beating yourself up
over it. Actually I think that maybe it’s time for you to start giving your old
self a break, because I think that your opinion of him is pretty unfair.”

“That’s very nice of you to say,” he said. “You
really think so?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Well, then, maybe I do need to forgive him after
all of these years,” he gave in. “I suppose that in the end, he was just a poor
old schmuck doing the best he could with what he had.”

“There, now, that’s better.”

“It’s funny,” he said, a look of relief upon his
face, “I’ve been avoiding taking a good look at my old self for so very long
and now I’m glad I finally did it. Your opinion’s almost the same as Illea’s,
but I figured that hers was just a generosity born from love. It’s really nice
to hear it from someone new.”

“Feel better now?” I asked.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. And thanks, by
the way, for indulging me in some ancient and fossilized self-pity.”

“Not a problem.”

“So tell me, Ashley, is there anything else that I
can clear up for you?”

“Just one thing. I’m still a little confused about
the transformation ceremony as it applies to Geoffrey.”

“Okay.”

“Just now you told me that the transformation
ceremony turned him into someone that was true to you.”

“That’s right.”

“But earlier today, you told me a couple of times
that being faithful isn’t exactly his strong suit. How did the ceremony make
him any different?”

“Ah, yes, I can see where that would be confusing.
Let me try to explain. As you’ve noticed, Ashley, we enjoy certain privileges
here that the rest of the world does not. It tends to color life a little
differently. It’s because of those privileges that being true and being
faithful aren’t exactly the same thing to me as they would be otherwise. While
Geoffrey may not be faithful to me physically, he has been true to me
emotionally. It’s a distinction that I could not make if I were an ordinary man
living in the ordinary world. But I can make it here for two primary reasons.
First, we, as Arrosha’s followers, are forbidden to form any real relationships
outside of the group, so there is no emotional threat. Second, because of our
perfect immunity, we can’t catch diseases of any kind, so there is no physical
threat. That’s why I can afford to give Geoffrey the indulgences that I do.
Does that answer your question?”

“Not completely. I mean, isn’t the transformation
supposed to get rid of all the inside crap and make you pure?”

“Yes, but only if you want it to. Geoffrey never
wanted it to. Even before she rescued him, every time I begged Arrosha to bring
Geoffrey to me, she warned me that he would never let go of his physical
promiscuity, and she was right. I told her that because I loved him so
absolutely, there were a few certain concessions I would be willing to make, a
few conditions that I could live with for the sake of having him returned to
me. Immediately after his arrival at the mansion, Arrosha set down those
conditions and terms before accepting him completely. Geoffrey agreed to them,
of course. It was the only way that he was able to get his beautiful, healthy
new body. That night, he even promised me that he’d be faithful always, but I
never held him to that because I knew it was one promise he could not possibly
keep. True to Arrosha’s warning, Geoffrey held on tight to his sexual foibles
during the transformation ceremony and never let them go.

“I have to give him credit that at first he really
tried and was perfectly faithful to me for awhile. It wasn’t too long though,
before the lure of new temptation proved to be too strong for him and he began
to stray upon occasion. It wasn’t all that often and he never went around
behind my back any more. Besides, the new Geoffrey was so wonderful all of the
rest of the time that it more than made up for his shortcomings.

“You see, Arrosha removed everything that was
truly destructive to our relationship, without taking away Geoffrey’s spice.
She had left him just naughty enough to amuse me, to challenge my mind and my
wit, to keep me on my toes. His restlessness came with that package and I guess
it was as much of a testament to my own weakness as it was to his.”

“And that’s okay with you,” I offered.

“Oh, Ashley, Geoff’s sexual proclivities are so
wide and so varied that it would be impossible for any one man to satisfy him.
Knowing that now, I no longer take his dalliances personally. He’s as faithful
to me as he can possibly be and it wouldn’t have been fair of me to tether him
too tightly. He needs a lot of variety, variety I can’t give him.

“You know that I’m gay, but Geoffrey is different
than anyone else I’ve ever met. He’s more like sex incarnate. But that’s just a
part of what makes Geoffrey, Geoffrey; I’ve accepted that about him. I knew how
he was before I ever asked Arrosha to bring him here. He told me the truth
about himself when he left me. Arrosha later confirmed that truth. This time
around, I knew what I was getting into.

“When all is said and done, the real reason that I
trust Geoffrey as much as I do is because I have absolute trust and faith in
Arrosha. She won’t let him betray me because she knows it would devastate me. I
can overlook Geoffrey’s dalliances, but if he ever found another love, it would
just kill me. If he ever betrayed me again, I don’t know what I would do. It’s
my darkest fear; I couldn’t take it.”

“Weren’t you worried when he started misbehaving
lately?” I asked, drawn into his story.

“I was concerned and hurt, it’s true, but never
actually worried. Arrosha would never let anything really serious happen. If
all else failed and he got too far out of line, I’m sure she’d put him through
the transformation ceremony a second time to set him right.

“I have to admit, though, that he did give me a
bit of a scare there for awhile. If we hadn’t been able to hash it out last
night, I would have had no option but to mention it to Arrosha and let her
handle him.”

“She never noticed?” I asked, surprised at this
glaring lack of omniscience in a woman who called herself goddess.

“Oh, no. He’s been nothing but charming around
her. I held off mentioning anything to Arrosha because I wanted to try to deal
with him myself first, if I could. I’m very glad I did, since I think
everything’s going to work out okay after all.

“It was silly for me even to dwell upon his latest
mood swings, though, because there’s no reason for me to doubt him. He won’t go
looking for another love because he knows that this time around, he can’t do
any better than me. I’m secure in the knowledge that he really loves me because
I’m no longer an ugly duckling. I’m finally young and handsome enough for him
and I’ll stay that way forever, according to Arrosha’s promise.”

I simply looked at Ben in amazement, certain once
again that Geoffrey most certainly had the better end of their deal.

“Pretty shallow, huh,” he said.

“I didn’t say a word.”

“You didn’t have to, Ashley,” he answered,
smiling. “I saw that raised eyebrow. I know what it must sound like, but I
can’t really explain it. For some strange reason, I love Geoffrey
unconditionally. He’s my Achilles heel and he always will be. I can’t help but
forgive that vain, silly creature; I never could, and for the life of me I
don’t even know why.”

“It’s your world, Ben. I’m just a by-stander,” I
said, trying to be diplomatic.

“You mean it’s my soap opera, don’t you?” he
asked.

“Hey, I wasn’t going be the one to say it,” I
smiled.

“You don’t have to; I see things for what they
are. And I’m sorry to go on and on like that about Geoffrey. I tend to get
carried away when it comes to him. But don’t worry, you’ll never have to hear
word one about us from this point forward if you don’t want to.”

“And turn down all that juicy gossip? No way.
Besides, I enjoy learning more about you and the others.”

“Great. I’m glad you enjoyed the nutshell-theater
version of our stories. Your crash course is now over and you may officially
leave the lecture hall in single file.”

“So I’m done?” I asked.

“Like a perfectly baked soufflé. I think I’ve
shown you as much of the estate and told you as much about our group as you
need to make your decision. It’s time now for you to soak up all that
garden-fresh information and do with it as you please. Just remember that
nobody’s going to force you to stay or go. I’d like to think, though, that I’ve
helped you to arrive at an informed decision.”