The Nightmare Game (44 page)

“Well, I feel terrible now about being so
judgmental about them,” I told him. “I didn’t mean to be, it’s just that they
kind of scared me.”

“It’s okay,” he said, his easy smile returning.
“You didn’t know and like I said, they really do take some getting used to. But
tell me, Ashley, now that you know all of our deepest, darkest secrets, do you
think you might still be willing to remain with us?”

“I’d be even more likely to, Ben. Thanks for
putting a human face on the group. Now that I know everybody’s story, I feel a
lot less like a troll walking among supermodels.”

“Oh, silly. You don’t look trollish at all,” he
said, his easy laugh returning. “You never did. Besides, you are going to be so
very beautiful, so very soon. All it takes is the transformation ceremony and
it’s a done deal.”

“That’s very tempting, Ben, it really is. But to
be honest, nothing at this point could mean more to me than getting my memories
back.”

“For that, I have high hopes, sunshine. Very high
hopes indeed.”

“What makes you so hopeful?” I asked.

“Just the eternal optimist in me, I suppose,” was
his answer. “I don’t know, Ashley, I can’t speak for everyone, but personally,
I’ve been feeling a little sharper lately and more creative and spiritual than
usual. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more patient with other people, too, of
late, something Geoffrey has certainly put to the test these days. I’m only
telling you this to keep in mind in case you start getting too frustrated with
the amnesia. Maybe it’ll help.

“You know, Ashley, I never cease to be amazed at
how good Arrosha is to us. Just when I thought I’d seen all of the gifts that
she had to give us, she surprises me with more. I can’t help but feel that my
new awareness is a result of her getting us ready for something really big.
It’s my hope that she’s getting us ready to go public, because I’m finally
ready to rejoin the world; and this time, I want to make a real contribution
out there.”

I waited for Ben to continue, but instead he
became quiet, once again lost in his thoughts. As we rocked back and forth in
the swing, I became mindful again of my surroundings. The long afternoon had
passed, and the day was coming to an end. The few clouds in the sky had become
purple streaks contrasting against the oranges, reds and pinks of a setting sun
in full bloom. I looked over and studied Ben as he peacefully watched the sunset.
I couldn’t help but marvel at how exquisite he was. His skin was beautifully
tanned, his hair and eyes so dark a brown that they were almost, but not quite,
black. However, instead of looking beady as sometimes happens when the irises
are so dark, his eyes were large, kind and serene, deep pools of warmth and
intelligence. His mouth had great wit to its shape and set, his lips were full
and soft. As he settled back in the swing to get more comfortable, the muscles
of his perfect, tanned body rippled beneath the ethereal fabric of his robe. He
was as impossibly beautiful as the others, but he was completely
unselfconscious about it and not the least bit vain. Rather than a model, Ben
reminded me more of a romantic Hollywood leading man. Incredibly manly, he was
the epitome of the kind of man so many people, straight or gay, dreamed of
meeting, the kind of man that could make both men and women swoon. If all the
beautiful people in this group were photographed together for a high-end
fashion ad, his strength of character would cause his image to be the one to
command the photograph. Ben’s intelligence, humor and humanity made his beauty
seem even more intense and yet at the same time more approachable. I hadn’t
known him long, and yet I knew that he was a very good person, and I was
certain it was destined for us to become the very best of friends for life.

“And what about yourself? What’s your story?” I
asked. “Who were you before you got here? Yesterday, you said that you were
nearing the century mark, but that’s about all I know about your first life.
Can you tell me your story? I’d really like to hear it now.”

Ben smiled sadly and looked down at his hands.
Despite his apparent youth, for the first time something in his expression
seemed very old indeed.

“You know, it’s funny,” Ben began. “Swapping
stories every time somebody new joins us is so common that you’d think I’d be
used to talking about myself by now. But it’s always been so easy for me before
to gloss over the parts of my past that I didn’t want to remember and leave out
the things I didn’t care to admit. It’s been a very long time since I’ve done
any real introspection concerning my first life. There wasn’t any reason,
because it seemed like such a moot point. I’m a very different person now than
I was back then, so nothing of that past life seems to apply to me any more.
Besides, until today, it was never really necessary.

“But then you came along. I have to say that your
orientation is proving to be a bit of a challenge, and an entirely new
experience for me. As I told you before, no one has ever just popped up in our
world so unexpectedly, the way you did. I’ve had to explain so much more to you
than I’ve ever had to explain to anyone else because you arrived so totally unprepared.
It’s something that’s never happened before. Every fledging that’s ever gone
before you was ready to join our group before ever setting foot one at this
mansion. They’ve always been fresh from just having met Arrosha personally and
after that experience, they believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that Arrosha is
the true Goddess. They accept without question the awesome magnitude of her
powers and benevolence.

“Before you arrived, I’ve never had to explain to
a newcomer why we believe in Arrosha, how much she means to us and how much we
trust in her. I’ve also never had to persuade anyone about the blessing of the
transformation ceremony. It’s always just been taken for granted. But you’re so
very different. For some odd reason, this time it seems that Arrosha wants you
to become a part of our group more than you actually do. While I’ve done the
best I could, I still don’t know exactly how to handle your situation. To tell
the truth, I’ve just been starting with Arrosha’s instructions and then winging
it from there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed introducing you to our
lifestyle, and taking you around has been a lot of fun. I just don’t know how
good of a job I’m doing, because I’ve never had to convince anyone before that
joining us was a good idea.

“Oh, well, enough procrastination. It’s time to
get real, time to tell my story. Originally, I was just going to give you my
standard song-and-dance routine, and tell you the bare bones of who I was
without having to delve into my first life too deeply; but I can’t very well do
that now, can I? I mean, I’ve been so candid about the lives of my companions,
especially about Illea, that I’d feel like an absolute hypocrite if I were not
equally as candid about my own.”

“Ben, that’s alright,” I reassured him. “If it
makes you feel uncomfortable, you can just give me the standard fare. I don’t
mind.”

“No, that’s okay. Since you weren’t transformed
and since you haven’t actually met her yet, I feel like I’d be shortchanging
Arrosha if I took the easy way out. In order to understand her better, you need
to realize the enormity of the blessings she has given us all, the true extent
of what she has to offer you. It goes beyond just looking pretty or feeling
more confident, beyond the toys and perks. I’d like you to know what it feels
like to be a dying schlep one minute and on top of the world the next. That’s
something I can do in depth only with my own story. I owe Arrosha no less.”

I was beginning to feel awkward, as if my mere
presence was forcing Ben to face a past that he had avoided as long as he
possibly could. I didn’t know what to say, so I sat quietly and waited for him
to continue.

“No,” he continued after a few moments of
reflection. “The discomfort of renewed self-examination is no excuse for me to
shirk my duty to Arrosha. Besides, maybe it’s time for me to stop denying my
former self. I never liked him very much and it’s time for me to begin making
peace with him. Besides, my story is intertwined with Geoffrey’s. Despite his
recent naughtiness, I’d like you to understand how far he’s come since the old
days. I don’t know why I feel like I need to keep explaining him to you, but I
guess the truth is that, when all is said and done, I really do want you to
like him.”

“Listen, Ben,” I said. “Don’t feel compelled to
tell me everything. Please feel free to leave out all the bad parts.” He was so
uncomfortable I felt bound once again to give him an “out”. “I mean, if your
story’s anywhere near as awful as some of the others, I can certainly
understand your not wanting to tell it.”

“Oh, no, it’s not even close,” he protested. “Not
at all. I came from a very good family, one which, despite being extremely
conservative and strict, loved me deeply. My personal hell was strictly
emotional, a result more of the restrictive society in which I lived than
anything else. You see, Ashley, had been a braver man, I could have done a
better job of life and lived more freely in spite of the narrow-minded
constraints of the time. But that would have taken courage, and courage was a
quality that was never in my makeup. I was just a nobody back then, a
meaningless schlep who lived a long life with almost nothing to show for it. I
was only a cog in a wheel and nothing more.”

“I can’t believe that, Ben. I’ve known you only a
short time and you’re one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever met.”

“You didn’t know me in my first life. I was a very
different man then, before Arrosha rescued and healed me. You see, she saved me
by plucking me from the very brink of death. Out of everyone here, I was the
most responsible for the pain in my own life because of what I was. I was a
homely, dull little man whose cowardice, whose complete lack of courage, was
directly, although not solely by any means, responsible for the overwhelming
loneliness and heartache that I lived with day after day.

“My first life, while long enough, felt much
longer than it actually was. Of everyone in our group, I’m the oldest. Not only
have I been here longest, but I was also the oldest when Arrosha transformed
me. It’s probably the reason that, with the exception of Geoffrey, I regard the
others almost as if they were my own children. Geoffrey teases me constantly
about being too much of a mother hen to the group, but I hope to think that
it’s appreciated.”

Before Ben began to tell his story, I could never
have imagined him as being neither handsome nor manly. But as he told his tale,
a gradual change took place, as if a dismal shadow was now hovering about him.
As his natural sunniness deserted him, his posture began to change and he
seemed to withdraw within himself. His outgoing manner turned introverted, as
if he were suddenly ashamed of who he was.

“If I’d lived in a big city I think my life might
have been better because it’s easier to be anonymous, easier to change your
circle by simply moving to a different neighborhood, to change your work to
something in a more artistic field. But I grew up and lived in the Midwest, in
a community that was just barely large enough to be classified as a city and
not a town. It was still small enough for everybody to know everybody else’s
business, and they never forgot it either. It was not what one would call a
progressive place either. The arts of all kinds were considered big-city
fabrications and the majority of the populace looked with suspicion upon all
artists, with the notable exception of those along the respectable lines of a
Norman Rockwell. Even the city’s lone movie theater reflected that taste and
showed, more often than not, manly westerns and war flicks. Needless to say, my
soul did not thrive there.

“My entire family lived in that small little city
and had set down deep roots. You might say we were quite ensconced in the
community. While I wanted to move, I didn’t want be alone. I couldn’t imagine
living so far away from my family or even being able to get by without them.
They were good to me, and while I couldn’t come out of the closet to them, they
were loving and caring in so many other ways.

“I like to think that if I’d lived my first life
in modern times, I wouldn’t have been ashamed of being gay, but times were so
different then. It was incredibly difficult being open about homosexuality in
those days, especially in a municipality as small as mine; it was a huge
stigma, one that ruined careers and even lives. Of course, it wasn’t even
called gay at the time; the word most commonly used back then was ‘queer’. But
the word ‘gay’ wouldn’t have described me during my first life, anyway. There
was absolutely nothing gay about me, at least not in the original sense of the
word. I was just one very sad and very lonely homosexual, afraid that someone
would find out one day who I truly was. You see, the pressure from my family to
be an upstanding member of the community was overwhelming. My father was the
rabbi of the extremely small Jewish community back home and I was expected to
act accordingly.

“While I was terrified to come out of the closet,
at that time, almost nobody else did either unless they were connected to the
theatre in some way. Whenever I dreamed of starting a new life, I always
dreamed of living in Manhattan, and I would always see myself working in the
theatre in some capacity. I never aspired to be an actor, because I was far too
shy for that; I just wanted to be a part of the production, perhaps a stagehand.
My only ambition was to be able to become a part of that theatrical society, a
society in which I could finally come out, be myself and blossom.

“I never did take that step, of course. As an
adult, I actually managed to take a couple of short vacations to our nearest
big city, namely Chicago. I went alone each time, looking for love and
adventure. All I found, instead, was a horrible loneliness that sent me back
into the bosom of my warm, if stifling, family. So thus, for my entire life, I
remained perpetually afraid of moving to that big city of which I so often
dreamed.

“You have to understand that in those days, the
virtue of courage and myself had never been properly introduced. As a matter of
fact, we had never actually even met. I know now that it was this extreme
cowardice that was the true cause of my self-loathing. I have to say that,
looking back upon my first life from my current perspective, I don’t think that
I would have been a very different person had I not been gay. I think I would
have been just as lonely if I’d been straight, although most likely then, my
misery would have taken on the guise of a disastrous marriage to a miserable
wife completely void of all respect for me. Had I been straight, I would have
ruined two lives then instead of just my own.

“Yes, straight or gay, I would have been the same
basic person, fearful and anxious about almost everything. When the U.S. first
entered World War II, when so many other young men were willing to go to war, I
was incredibly relieved to learn that I was 4F and not eligible to serve. I
have no doubt that it was for the best all around. I’m certain that I would
have frozen when the going got tough and that my cowardice would most likely
have cost another young man, a more deserving young man, his life. I would have
hated to be responsible for that.”

“Ben, you don’t know that. I think you’re being
awfully hard on yourself.”

“I suppose, but that’s how I felt about myself
back then. I had absolutely no respect at all for who I was and I still don’t.
I was intensely afraid of everything and that fear ruined my life.

“Having finished college early, I got a job in the
town library when there was an opening. I sank my nose into books and became
the embodied caricature of the clichéd librarian. I spent my days dreaming but
never living, a Walter Mitty personality in the extreme, dull in every aspect
except for the secret life I led in my mind. I wasted most of my first life in
those daydreams. I was so well read that I should have appeared on a quiz show,
but that never happened because I was too afraid ever to audition. I lived for
books, quite literally, because it was there in which I lived my entire life.

“But then, one day, for no apparent reason, I woke
up. Out of the blue, I snapped out of my daydreams, only to find myself old,
alone and nearly forgotten. It was a horrible realization, one that all the
books and dreams in the world could not hide from me any longer. In an instant,
I’d grasped the fact that my life had been completely wasted. I’d lived as a
somnambulist, sleepwalking throughout the entirety of my existence without ever
fully waking until now.

“I still remember that day as vividly as if it had
happened only yesterday. One second I was happily daydreaming the day away, as
usual, and the next, I was abruptly awakened. It was absolutely horrible. My
life seemed over. I was so lonely that it soon it began to make me physically
ill, for I was consumed by a screaming desperation within me that even my books
and dreams were powerless to conquer. I didn’t know what to do. I felt ancient
and obsolete, too old to start over, too old to make any real changes in my
life.”

“How old were you then?”

“I was sixty-two.”

“Sixty-two’s not considered that old anymore.”

“Back then it was. More important than that was
the way I felt, which was tired, exhausted, used up and worn out in every way,
shape and form.

“So there I was, old, alone and desperate, when,
only a few weeks later, as if in answer to my prayers, a much younger man of
twenty-seven rode into town. He was handsome, witty and charming, everything I
had ever wanted. He was exciting and had the most fabulous, funny stories
regarding just about everything. He was the most entertaining breath of fresh
air I had ever met in my entire life.

“This young man opened my eyes to a whole new
reality. It was 1980 and times were changing for the gay community. While I had
always cared far too much about what other people thought, he could not have
cared less and in so doing, gave me the courage not to hide anymore. While I
never came out of the closet officially, my homosexuality soon became apparent
by the lifestyle I’d chosen to live with my young man. It wasn’t long after we
met that he came to live with me, and we were together for a little over a year.