The Night Off (28 page)

Growing visibly upset, Colleen said, “Did she break up with you because of me?”

“No, it wasn’t like that.” Emily struggled with how to explain her relationship with Nat without admitting that it had started as sex with a stranger that took an unexpected detour into genuine attraction. But she didn’t want Colleen to worry that she’d ruined a long-term relationship when Emily had been avoiding making a commitment from the start. “She knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious. That I have too much going on to devote time to a girlfriend.”

“Like what? You barely leave the house except to go to work.” Colleen’s eyes narrowed. “Wait, you mean me?”

“Well, you’re part of it, obviously.”

“Why is that obvious? It’s not like I’m a little girl anymore. You don’t exactly need to be home to supervise me every second.” In a huff, Colleen shoveled a bite of chicken in her mouth and chewed angrily. “Don’t blame your lonely spinsterhood on me.”

Emily flinched at the harsh words. “I’m not. But I’ve taken care of you since the day you were born, and now you’re getting ready to leave for college. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend as much time as possible with you while you’re still living with me. That doesn’t mean I blame you for the fact that I’m single.”

“Whatever. I’m not saying I think you
should
date that proto-butch or anything, but it’s pretty lame to act like
I’m
the one keeping you from doing so.”

Even though she’d just come to a similar conclusion, Emily was rankled by Colleen’s obvious irritation. It wasn’t as though raising a teenager made it
easy
to date. Losing her tenuous hold on her control, she lashed out. “You don’t think you make dating more difficult for me? The one night I tried to go out to dinner with Nat, I came home to find you passed out drunk on the couch. And then when I finally had a night to myself and invited her to our place, you burst in unexpectedly because you’d lied to me about where you were going to be. Why
wouldn’t
I feel like you’re a legitimate complication in my life? I’ve sacrificed everything for you. Why not a relationship, too?”

Colleen set down her fork and pushed her food away. Then she sat back on the couch, folding her arms over her stomach. Tears streamed from her eyes as Emily watched in silent horror. “I never asked you to sacrifice everything for me.”

Emily winced. She never should have thrown that in Colleen’s face. Even if she was angry, it wasn’t Colleen’s fault. “No, you’re right. You didn’t. And you didn’t have to. I wanted to.”

“I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want you to be alone.” Colleen scrubbed away her tears without looking at her. “Haven’t you been listening to me? I really am worried about what will happen to you when I go to school. Don’t you think I realize that you pretty much live for me? How do you think that makes me feel about growing up and leaving?” Colleen finally met her eyes. “Honestly, that’s why I’ve been such a bitch lately. I guess I thought it might make you not miss me as much when I’m gone.”

Snorting, Emily murmured, “No matter how obnoxious you are, I’ll still miss you.”

“Yeah, I kind of know that.” Colleen picked at the knee of her pajama pants. “Seriously, I hate the thought that you might honestly believe you can’t have a girlfriend because of me. If you had someone—and I’m not saying it has to be Nat, mind you—but if you had
someone
, then at least you wouldn’t be so lonely. You’d have someone else to look after.”

“I’m not sure
that’s
what I want.”

“Well, someone to look after you, then.”

Emily smiled at the memory of Nat making her the crepe for breakfast.
When’s the last time someone took care of you?
If that’s all there was to being in a relationship, it would be easy to buy into Nat’s vision of them together. Unfortunately, she wasn’t naïve enough to think that the shine of new love wouldn’t eventually wear off. At the end of the day, her life was far from exciting, and Colleen would always be an essential part of it, no matter how old she was or where she lived. Considering where she’d come from, she felt like she was doing well on her own. Did she really want to give someone else the power to determine something as fundamental as her happiness?

She snorted quietly. Like she hadn’t already. It had been almost two weeks since she’d spoken to Nat, and she hadn’t felt genuinely happy even once in that time. Surely the pain would lessen eventually, but she wasn’t certain her regret would. She nudged Colleen’s foot with her own. “You’re right. It’s not your fault that I don’t have someone. It’s mine. I’m scared to death at the thought of being in a relationship.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to fall in love with someone only to have her disappoint me.” Emily swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m not used to depending on anyone but myself. I’m used to being in control. The idea of giving my heart to someone—with no way to stop her from stomping on it if she wants—terrifies me.”

“You think Nat will stomp on your heart?” Colleen tried and failed to suppress a giggle. “I mean, she
did
stomp on your ass pretty good. But you seemed to enjoy that.”

“Shut up.” Face burning, Emily said, “I think Nat would treat me like a queen—at least at first. It’s what happens when she realizes what a boring control freak I really am that worries me. It’s not that I think she’ll treat me badly. Just that she’ll leave at some point, and then I’ll have to start all over again. But with a broken heart.”

“Oh my
God
, that’s depressing.” Colleen came up on her knees, reaching to smack Emily’s thigh. “Snap out of it! Are you seriously telling me that you’re choosing to be sad and mopey because if you tried to be happy, maybe it wouldn’t work out? What are you so afraid of? Obviously it’s not being alone,
or
sad and mopey. You already are.”

Emily screwed up her face in what she feared was a hopeless battle not to lose her composure. Colleen was blunt, but she was also right. “I know. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“It really doesn’t.” Colleen’s expression softened. “You’ve always been the best sister—and the best
mother
—so I know you would be an incredible girlfriend, too. Nat, or whoever, would be stupid to let you go. The right woman won’t.” She smirked. “No matter how boring and controlling you can be.”

Emily wasn’t sure what surprised her more: Colleen’s kind words or that she sounded like she genuinely believed in true romance. “The right woman, huh? You think there’s someone out there for everyone?”

“I think there’s someone for you.”

“Oh, my. Can it be that I actually managed to raise a starry-eyed optimist?”

“No, you raised someone who believes there are people in this world who will love you so much they would do anything for you.” Colleen’s nostrils flared as she struggled to hold back what appeared to be a crushing wave of emotion. “And I
don’t
believe that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. Why would I?”

Colleen’s heartfelt words left Emily caught between laughter and tears. To hear such hope and youthful idealism from Colleen made every moment of struggle, every sacrifice, worthwhile. From the day Colleen was born, all Emily had ever wanted was to give her what she’d never had. Apparently this was what success looked like.

Hoping to capitalize on Colleen’s obvious moment of gratitude, Emily said, “Please tell me where you were the night you were supposed to stay on campus. I promise to try and not get upset about whatever you tell me. I just want to know. You said you had a really bad night so I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” Colleen took a deep breath, then threw her hands in the air as though admitting defeat. “Remember Jason Komanski?”

“Of course. The boy you dated last year, who took you to his senior prom?”

“He lives on campus. I was supposed to crash in his room after this party at the frat he’s pledging—except he spent the entire time we were there talking to this slut in a permanent state of nip slip. Meanwhile one of his frat buddies was being drunk and obnoxious and grabby, and Jason didn’t even bother to stop talking to that bitch to tell him to back off. So I left.” Colleen folded her arms over her chest in her classic defensive posture. “I didn’t have anything to drink, I swear. I wasn’t ready for another hangover.”

“All right. I believe you.” Though her instincts screamed at her to lecture Colleen about the dangers of frat parties, it wasn’t the right move at that moment. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Yeah.” Colleen snorted under her breath. “It’s embarrassing. I slept with him after prom last year, and even that wasn’t enough to keep him interested.”

Emily closed her eyes. She wished she hadn’t just heard that. “Guess we’re even on things we don’t want to know about each other.”

“Guess so.” The amusement in Colleen’s voice told her that she’d chosen to make that disclosure on purpose. “We were safe, by the way.”

“Good to know. Still traumatized.” Finally opening her eyes, Emily couldn’t help but return Colleen’s smile. “You know, he’s an idiot. And you’re way too good for him.”

“Yeah, that’s what Kaysi said, too.”

“I always knew I liked that girl.” Emily frowned as a thought occurred to her. “Wait, I thought you and Kaysi had fallen out?”

Colleen’s expression turned sheepish. “Our fight was about me spending the night with Jason. She thought I was an idiot for going up there and rewarding him with sex since he pretty much never texts me anymore. When he pulled that shit at the party, I couldn’t exactly stay mad at her for being right. Luckily, she forgave me for the way I lost my shit with her when she tried to warn me. She understood. The beauty of unconditional friendship, I guess.”

“I guess.” Emily had never had unconditional friendship before—probably because she’d always told herself that she had no time for that, either. In just a few weeks, Nat was the closest she’d ever come to having a real friend. Unfortunately, she didn’t know whether Nat would so easily forgive her if she worked up the nerve to apologize.

And she wasn’t certain she was brave enough to find out.

Sighing, Emily picked up a pair of chopsticks from the coffee table. She still wasn’t hungry, but she had to eat at some point. “Hey, Colleen?”

“Yeah?” Colleen offered her the container, watching as she captured a piece of chicken between her chopsticks. “Show-off.”

“Let’s make a deal. No more lying. You’re eighteen years old, and you’re right—you
are
growing up. So if I promise to treat you like the young adult you are, will you promise to act like one? That means trusting me not to be unreasonable or to overreact when you tell me what’s going on in your life.” Emily paused. On a night of confessions, it only seemed right to admit her deepest fear. “I don’t want to lose touch with you just because you don’t live with me anymore. I know I’m not your mother, but the way I feel about you, I may as well be. I would hate for you to become a stranger now that you don’t have to listen to me anymore.”

“I’d never let that happen. I have always and will always need you in my life, even if we do argue sometimes. And I promise—no more lying.” Colleen met her gaze. “Now will you promise me something?”

Emily hesitated, then said, “Sure.”

“Promise me you’ll call Nat and ask her if she wants to try again.”

It wasn’t that easy, of course.

If she had simply told Nat she didn’t have time to date, that would be one thing. She could call, tell her she’d reconsidered, and as it turned out, she
could
make time in her schedule to fall in love. But she’d done something so much more cowardly than that. She’d selfishly turned Nat’s good news into a deal-breaker. Then she’d suggested that things would be so much simpler if only they could go back to playing high-priced escort and loveless, pathetic client. She’d trivialized their very real connection by implying that all she needed from Nat was emotionless sex.

And she’d done it knowing—
knowing
—that wasn’t true.

Emily wasn’t even sure she could forgive
herself
. If she’d lost Nat forever because she’d been too afraid to try and keep her, it would stand as one of the most foolish missteps of her entire life. Still, as scared as she was to find out whether she’d ruined her chance with Nat, she had to try to apologize. Time—and her conversation with Colleen—had put a lot of things into perspective. Pushing Nat away had been a spineless move. She was more miserable now—and less present in every aspect of her life—than she had been even with the “distraction” of dating.

Funny how breaking things off with Nat had accomplished exactly the opposite of what she’d intended. Without Nat, she seemed to be worse—as a sister, as an accountant, maybe even as a human being. Objectively, it made sense to see if she could actually make a relationship work. If she could, she would be better off. If not, she’d be in exactly the same boat as she was now. That Colleen had not only given her blessing but also outright encouraged her to pursue Nat gave her the courage she needed to swallow her pride and send Nat a text.

Did you get the job?

It was short, to the point, and not nearly as apologetic as she felt, but Emily told herself it was prudent to keep her message brief until she knew whether Nat would even respond. No sense pouring her heart out to an unsympathetic audience.

When the response came, forty minutes later, the single word revealed nothing about Nat’s mood.

Yup
.

Emily smiled as her eyes filled with tears. She should have been there to reassure Nat before her interview, then to congratulate her once it was over. But she hadn’t. Fingers shaking, she texted back.

I’m so proud of you, Nat. You deserve it.

Then she waited. And waited. An hour later, Nat still hadn’t replied.

Unwilling to give up that easily, Emily sent another message. Something unambiguous, she hoped.

I miss you.

Her phone beeped not five minutes later. The two sentences on-screen reached into her chest, grabbed her heart, and shook it like a wolf does its prey.

This is my personal number. If you want to make an appointment, call Janis at the agency.