The Night Off (25 page)

Yet she’d just broken up with Nat. Hadn’t she?

Emily rolled onto her side and buried her face in her pillow. Their conversation replayed in her head, over and over. She’d been so comforted to hear Nat’s voice, even though it killed her to realize how badly she craved Nat despite the clear harm their relationship had caused to her fragile bond with Colleen. She felt guilty for wanting Nat, as though she had no right to anything of her own if it made Colleen uncomfortable. That probably wasn’t fair to herself, but she’d always put Colleen first. Always.

Like that time their parents disappeared for two weeks when she was eleven and Colleen was four. That first night their folks didn’t come home, she had calmly made dinner for Colleen from the meager contents of the pantry, then put them both to bed. She called in to her school the next morning, disguising her voice as best she could, and made up a story about a family emergency. Even at that age, her biggest fear was being separated from Colleen if child protective services were called. So she’d simply decided to hold down the fort until their parents returned. With no money and very few groceries, she’d had to get creative. She went without, eating only one small meal a day so Colleen could have more. When their parents finally returned twelve days later, they’d offered only mumbled apologies and a box of Ho-Hos. Emily felt guilty even eating one, knowing Colleen would have less.

She exhaled. Colleen was nearly an adult and needed to learn to fend for herself, so things were different now. But that didn’t mean it was easy to let go of old habits.

Still, no matter how wrong it felt to keep seeing Nat, she hadn’t intended to break up with her. At least that hadn’t been her plan when she’d answered the phone. As confused as she was, she hadn’t had a plan. If Nat hadn’t dropped that bombshell about her job interview, she might have just as easily succumbed to the lure of phone sex. Instead she’d panicked when Nat confessed that she was planning to quit escorting in favor of pursuing a career that she’d seemed to regard as a distant dream only weeks ago.

She could have praised Nat for her courage. Congratulated her for landing an interview. Wished her luck. Of all the reactions possible, selfish dread was probably the worst. Unfortunately, it had been her first, instinctive response. Given that Nat had been doing sex work for more than ten years now, it was impossible not to interpret her decision to change careers only weeks after they started seeing each other as evidence that Nat was making a commitment to her, even if she wasn’t ready to do the same. The thought that Nat might rush into a major life change because of her had sent Emily into a tailspin. She was a twenty-five-year-old woman who had never had a relationship because her entire world revolved around taking care of her little sister. She wasn’t the type of person Nat should ever consider upending her life to please, to say the least.

Even if Nat had pursued an interview because of her, it wasn’t
only
because of her. She did know that. But once she realized that she’d hurt Nat’s feelings, and that she was offended, Emily had made a snap decision that she regretted almost instantly. It was bad enough that Colleen was upset with her. When she realized how badly she’d hurt Nat, it was simply too much. Tired of the guilt and the uncertainty, she’d decided to try and end things right there.

Except she’d faltered. Unable to conceive of never seeing Nat again, she’d stupidly taken the bait and suggested that they could continue to meet for sex. To fuck without emotion. She should have known that Nat would get even more upset. It was a moronic suggestion, but one she’d felt compelled to make after considering how awful it would be to never touch Nat again.

Emily dried her face with her comforter. What was done was done. There was no point in regretting it now. She wished she hadn’t said what she did about making an appointment—the pain in Nat’s voice would haunt her forever, she suspected—but maybe that was for the best, too. Now Nat wouldn’t attempt to dissuade her from this solitary course of action. Why try to win back someone who’d basically suggested that the only thing you were good for was sex?

Fuck
. She should be relieved. She didn’t have any more choices left to agonize over. No more fear of falling in love and being loved back. Nat probably hated her for what she’d just done. But that was best, right? Nat deserved better than her, and Colleen needed her full attention, anyway. Problem solved.

Sure. Except for the gaping hole in her heart.

Stomach roiling, Nat waited for Deb in a rear office of the upscale restaurant where she’d just completed her first culinary interview. It had gone well, as far as she could tell. Armando had demonstrated the preparation of one of their breakfast dishes—eggs Benedict—and a lunch plate—fish tacos—then asked her to recreate each dish on her own. After successfully completing that task—and drawing smiles from both Armando and Deb when they tasted her efforts—Armando had set her loose to create an entrée that she would want to put on the dinner menu. She’d prepared a mushroom risotto that had earned her a clap on the back from Deb and warm praise from Armando.

And to think, she’d nearly called to cancel. After her conversation with Emily the night before, the thought of subjecting herself to criticism and risking failure had been spectacularly unappealing. But it was true what she’d told Emily—she wanted to cook. It would be idiotic to throw away an honest opportunity to turn her passion into a career. So this morning she’d woken up, cried in the shower, then gave herself a long pep talk before driving to the address Deb had given her, ready to do whatever it took to impress them.

Hopefully it had worked.

Deb walked into the office wearing a broad grin. “So. You can
cook
, Nat Swayne.”

Shy under the enthusiastic praise, Nat struggled to make eye contact. “Thank you.”

“With that said, I’d like to talk to you about coming to cook for me.” Deb sat in her leather office chair, sighing as she put her feet up on her desk. “But first, let’s discuss the salary, because I suspect it may be a potential deal-breaker.”

Nat blinked, stunned by how casually Deb had seemingly offered her a job. “Wait, just like that?”

“What do you mean?” Folding her arms over her chest, Deb tilted her head in obvious amusement. “You nailed the interview. We brought in another candidate last week who had three years’ kitchen experience under his belt, and he didn’t perform half as well as you did. The fact that I’m thrilled to be able to help you make this change aside, you deserve a chance. I’m in a position to give you one.” She winked. “By the way, I
loved
the risotto. I definitely want to put it on our new dinner menu.”

Nat’s chin trembled. She was overwhelmed with emotion, unable to respond. In her wildest dreams, she’d never expected today to go so well. She wasn’t sure what to do next, so she concentrated on fighting back the tears that threatened to escape. “The salary is irrelevant. It’s not as though I have any experience, anyway.”

Deb raised an eyebrow. “You may change your mind when I give you a number.”

Nat shook her head. “I’ve made a lot of money for a number of years now. All I’ve ever done is stick it in the bank.” Her heart thundered at the realization that she was really going to do this. She was going to change her life. “Believe me, the salary isn’t a deal-breaker. It doesn’t even matter.”

“So does that mean you accept?”

Nearly paralyzed by an excruciating wave of doubt, Nat barely managed to look Deb in the eyes. “I’ve never worked in a kitchen before. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do.”

“You’ll learn.” Deb’s expression softened. “And you’ve got to start somewhere, right?”

Nat nodded. Her fear receded as anticipation took hold. “When do you want me to start?”

“As soon as possible. Whenever you can give notice, I suppose.”

“I haven’t scheduled an appointment since ours. All that’s left is to talk to my boss and make it official.” She tried not to imagine how that might go. Janis Copeland was a genuine friend, and while Nat hoped she would be pleased for her, she couldn’t be sure. She was a big earner for the agency, and her departure would disappoint a number of regular clients. “I’ll do it this afternoon.”

“Perfect. How about you come in later this week to take care of some paperwork, and we bring you in for your first shift next Monday?”

“Sounds good.” Nat planted her hands on her knees and took a deep breath. What had just happened was so big she could hardly fathom how to react. She wasn’t even sure the reality had actually hit her yet. This would probably be the happiest moment of her life, except for the fact that all she could think about was how badly she wanted to share it with Emily. Forcing away a sweeping sense of loss that threatened to shatter her composure, Nat extended her hand over the desk. “Deb, thank you for this. I promise I’ll make you proud.”

Deb gave her a firm shake. “No, thank
you
. I’m the one hiring a passionate, talented chef for a meager salary.” She kept hold of Nat’s hand, meeting her gaze soberly. “As for making me proud, you already have. You impressed both of us back there. Armando thinks I’m a brilliant recruiter for managing to find you. He has no idea how that happened, by the way. Honestly, after that performance, I’m hoping that once you spend a few months working under Armando during breakfast and lunch, you’ll be ready to run point on the dinner shift.” Clearly amused by Nat’s surprise, Deb shrugged and released her hand. “The sous-chef salary may not be great, but there’s room for you to grow. I have every confidence that you’ll take this opportunity and make the most of it.”

Nat’s chest swelled with a wonderfully painful mixture of pride and the stunned disbelief that someone in a position to start her culinary career recognized her potential. She’d never been a good student in school, nor a talented athlete or musician. Although she knew she was a skilled lover, that didn’t make her feel particularly special. Cooking did. And this was the first time in her life she truly felt like she was worth a damn.

Except, that wasn’t true. The first time was with Emily. Emily, who was the reason she was sitting here now, experiencing her second major triumph. Alone.

Nat was horrified when her tears finally spilled over. Refusing to succumb to her emotion, she affected her toughest butch persona, swiping at her eyes and throwing back her shoulders. “I appreciate that. You won’t be sorry.”

“I know.”

*

Nat left the restaurant, still reeling from the swift turn her life had taken. The urge to call Emily and share the good news was overwhelming, but she knew she wouldn’t get the reaction she wanted. Besides, she was angry with Emily. More than that, she was hurt. Stunned. When Emily suggested that they might continue seeing each other professionally, her callous disregard for Nat’s very real emotions hit her like a semitruck. As though she could simply turn off her feelings and fuck Emily with cold, professional distance. The fact that Emily would even suggest such a thing made her feel very small, and very cheap. Like she was only good for one thing.

Emily wasn’t the first person to make her feel that way. But she would damn sure be the last, if she had any choice in the matter.

With that in mind, she drove to the penthouse where the Xtreme Encounters agency was headquartered. It doubled as Janis Copeland’s second residence, after the small apartment she kept in Marin. Nat had no doubt that she would find Janis at the penthouse in the middle of the day. She was a shrewd businesswoman who was deadly serious about building her little empire. Which was why she probably wouldn’t be pleased with what Nat needed to tell her.

Nat parked her car and walked to the front entrance, holding her breath as she pressed the buzzer. Janis’s voice came over the intercom within seconds.

“Yes?”

“Janis, it’s Nat. Do you have a few minutes?”

Rather than answer, Janis buzzed her in. Nat took the stairs two at a time in an effort to burn off her nervous energy. It worked. By the time she reached the fifteenth-floor penthouse, she was too exhausted to wallow in her anxiety.

Janis opened the door just before she could knock. Attired in a designer dress that probably cost more than Nat would spend on clothing over the course of her entire life, Janis wore her auburn hair perfectly coiffed, as though she’d just stepped out of the salon. Fifty-two years old, she managed to be both regal and sexy without seeming to try. “Oh, my. Did you really just run up fifteen flights of stairs?”

Panting, Nat managed a short nod. “May I come in?”

“Of course.” Janis stepped back, openly scanning her body as she staggered inside. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Please. Would you like something, too?” Nat followed Janis into her office, walking to the bar and setting up two glasses. She always served Janis. Falling into their familiar routine comforted her slightly, even as her heart ached at the knowledge that things were about to change.

“Why don’t you make us a couple of vodka martinis?” Janis approached from behind and rested a hand on Nat’s hip. “You look like you need one.”

The scent of Janis’s light, expensive perfume triggered a Pavlovian urge to turn around and slide her hands beneath the skirt of her classy, well-mannered boss. Janis would be willing—she always was—and right now, the allure of touching familiar curves almost overpowered her. Even if she didn’t feel for Janis what she felt for Emily, they did care about each other. And being inside someone she cared about just might help her feel less alone.

Doubtful, but it could work. After Emily, Janis was the closest thing she had ever had to a real lover. She had initiated their first encounter shortly after she was hired, mostly because her first pimp had conditioned her to expect that fucking the boss was just another part of the job. But to Janis’s credit, she quickly shut down Nat’s clumsy attempt at seduction, letting her know that although she was attracted to her and would happily play, those duties weren’t in her job description.

Nat had fucked her anyway. And had kept fucking her, sporadically, over the past eight years. In a way, Janis Copeland was her longest-term relationship. But while she enjoyed the sex and genuinely cared for Janis, there was no love in their coupling—just friendship, attraction, and a mutual desire for occasional pleasure.