The Night Off (27 page)

Emily tightened her hands into fists. Although she kept telling herself that losing Nat made things easier, clearly that wasn’t true at all. Nothing felt easy anymore. Nat had insinuated herself into her life with startling ease, and although she’d only had their regular phone calls for a few weeks, she missed knowing Nat would be there when she needed to talk. Or when she needed to feel another person’s heartbeat pounding against her chest.

Denny cleared his throat, breaking her out of her introspection. “Well, try to do something nice for yourself. Take it easy.” Sheepish, he bobbled the ledger in his hands. “After Seth was born, my wife was so focused on taking care of the baby that she forgot to ever do anything for herself. She went on that way for months, until one night I came home to find her sitting on the kitchen floor, crying, with a burned pot roast on the counter above her. After that I instituted a mandatory four-hour time-off break for her on Wednesday and Sunday evenings. Having permission to focus on her own needs every once in a while seemed to make all the difference in the world.”

Emily gave him a rueful smile. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Anyway. If you do decide you want that day off, let me know. You’ve certainly earned it.” Denny tapped the corner of the ledger on her desk. “I’m heading out. You should, too.”

“I will.” Emily nodded at her monitor. “Right after I double-check the expense report I just prepared.”

Denny grinned. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Drive safe.”

“Thanks.” She watched Denny’s back as he walked away, relaxing only when he exited the office through the big glass doors. Finally alone, she fought back her embarrassment as she reviewed their conversation in her head.

Though it was true that her argument with Colleen humiliated and upset her, it was the breakup with Nat that had really shattered her world. She could hardly think of anything else. Even the awkwardness of living with someone who thought she was a deviant somehow wasn’t as bad as not having Nat’s warm presence to come home to—whether it was her voice or her body. Colleen would forgive her eventually, but Nat would disappear, receding into her memories as the ultimate what-if. Nat would be the regret to haunt her for the rest of her life.

Emily leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. If she hadn’t pushed Nat away, maybe
that
would have been her regret. Raising Colleen until she was eighteen, then promptly alienating her with her choice of a sex partner—how could she feel good about that? Of course, she’d feel worse if Nat was only just a sex partner. And she clearly wasn’t.

That was precisely why her “I’ll just hire you to fuck me” suggestion had been so colossally, stupidly bad. So hurtful. So destructive. So precisely the opposite of doing something for herself and focusing on her own needs.

So
typical
.

When Emily got home from work at eight o’clock that night, she was surprised to find Colleen waiting in her regular spot on the couch. Since their blowup a week and a half ago, Colleen had spent almost all her time at home locked in her room. They’d spoken no more than necessary. The friendship Emily had been so excited about after her coming out had simply vanished. Although she knew that the tension would eventually blow over and Colleen would forgive her, she hadn’t expected it to happen anytime soon.

Yet Colleen greeted her with a tentative smile. “Hey, Em. Are you hungry? I ordered Chinese. It should be here in about ten minutes.”

She couldn’t even think about food. Her stomach had been in constant turmoil since Nat hung up on her the night they last spoke. “No, thanks. I’m not feeling well.”

Colleen’s smile faded. “Well, do you want to watch TV with me while I eat? You can pick the show. I’ll even watch
The Golden Girls
or one of those other ridiculous eighties sitcoms you love so much.”

Apparently she’d been forgiven. Instead of the relief she had thought she’d feel, anger bubbled up in her chest. Now that she’d gotten her way and Nat was gone, Colleen was ready to make nice. Meanwhile Emily was miserable and alone. Trying hard not to lash out, she walked past the couch without meeting Colleen’s worried gaze. “Honestly, I’m tired. I may go straight to bed.”

“Wait.”

Emily stopped. As mad as she was, she couldn’t walk away. With her back to Colleen, she said, “What?”

“Emily, look at me.”

Irritated, she turned and stared Colleen down. “What?”

Colleen shrugged, as though she were both embarrassed and annoyed by what she was about to say. “I’m sorry.”

Tears stung Emily’s eyes. “Just like that?”

“Cut me some slack, Em.” Colleen came up on her knees, turning to peer over the back of the couch. “It scared the hell out of me to come home and hear what sounded like someone beating you. When I heard you crying out, I went into this kind of trance. I’ve never been so terrified in my entire life, but I grabbed that knife and I was
ready
to kill whoever was attacking you.” She paused, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t know you were sleeping with anyone. You’ve never let on that you’re anything but the world’s most boring lesbian. So it didn’t occur to me that I might be interrupting something consensual. Not only because it sounded violent, but because that looked like a
man
on top of you. I thought your life was in danger. I really did. I thought…” She shuddered. “It doesn’t matter. The point is that I was really, honestly afraid. So maybe I overreacted a little once I realized you were okay. I shouldn’t have shoved you…or said what I said. So I’m sorry about that. I am.”

“I’m sorry, too, that you were scared.” Emily had placed herself in Colleen’s shoes more than once since that night. If she’d walked into the apartment and overheard the same thing, she would’ve also burst into Colleen’s bedroom with a knife. That part was understandable. So was Colleen’s embarrassment and anger when she realized that Emily’s life had never actually been threatened. “I understand why you got upset. You had no reason to think I would choose to do that with someone. I wish you still didn’t, honestly.”

“Me too.” Colleen twirled a lock of blond hair around her finger. “Kaysi told me I was being too judgmental. That people like different things, and as long as two adults agree on what they want, and nobody gets seriously hurt, it’s really nobody else’s business. She also said she likes it when her boyfriend smacks her ass in bed, and that it’s not as fucked up as I think.” Blushing, she said, “Then she Googled erotic spanking and showed me how many millions of search results come up. So I guess she’s right. Maybe I’m the fucked-up one.”

Emily softened at the humiliation in Colleen’s expression. “You’re not fucked up. That stuff’s not for everyone.”

Colleen looked down at her hands. “Yeah. So anyway, I’m sorry about what I said that night. About you being disgusting and stuff. I…didn’t mean it.”

Disgusting
was the least of the insults Colleen slung that night. One thing had bothered her more than the rest. “You said a lot more than that.”

Colleen lifted her gaze. “Like what?”

“About Nat. You called her a dyke. Twice.”

“You know I’m not homophobic.” Straightening in defiance, Colleen narrowed her eyes. “I don’t have a problem with you being a lesbian. I was just upset.”

“I know you were upset, and I understand, but that was really out of line and hurtful. You were out of control.” As much as she appreciated that Colleen had initiated an apology, she wanted to make damn sure she understood the implications of her actions. “We were all embarrassed about the situation, but your reaction turned an awkward moment into a complete nightmare. It was unacceptable.”

“Fine. It was unacceptable.” Colleen started to roll her eyes, then stopped. Sighing, she studied the fabric beneath her hands. “Look, I don’t want to get into a whole discussion about this, but I…” Her voice broke, and she cleared her throat. “There was a man in my last foster home. He was an asshole. He got angry a lot, he was abusive, and sometimes he said and did things that…made me very uncomfortable. When I walked in and saw you guys that night, it just sort of took me back there. And I freaked. I know I said some horrible things, and maybe I even meant some of them at the time, but all I can say now is that I’m sorry. I was there, but I wasn’t there. Part of me was somewhere else. You know?”

Colleen’s revelation knocked the wind out of her. It confirmed something she’d always suspected but had never known for sure. Post-foster-care Colleen had been a different girl than the eleven-year-old she’d lost to the system while she fought for custody. Only a year had passed, but there had been a definite shift. Of course Emily had asked her about it, but Colleen refused to talk about her time in her foster home. That’s why she’d gotten Colleen into therapy as soon as she could afford it—almost two years later.

Two years, her baby sister had suffered with the repercussions of abuse alone. And that was assuming that she had ever chosen to discuss this with her therapist.

Emily struggled to swallow. “Colleen—”

“I told you I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.” Numb, Emily walked to the sofa and sat down. She still wasn’t interested in TV night and Chinese, but her legs were shaking too badly to keep standing. If Colleen didn’t want to discuss it, she wouldn’t force her. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to know. Still, she hated the thought that Colleen had been keeping such a terrible secret. “Did you tell your therapist?”

“I did. And I’m fine.” Colleen played with her hair. “It was just…that night, the memories were intense. And the fear that I might lose you was very real. When I realized that you’d willingly put yourself in that situation, that I’d been terrified for nothing, I snapped.” She fell silent, giving Emily a tentative look. “Plus I had a really bad night before I even got home. Flashing back to that man pushed me over the edge. But still, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have called your friend a dyke. I knew it would hurt both of you and that’s exactly why I said it.”

Just like that, the last of Emily’s resentment dissolved. Guilt took its place. She pulled Colleen into a tight hug. “No,
I’m
sorry.”

Colleen grabbed her shoulders. “Stop.” Drawing back, she stared at Emily with gravity beyond her years. “This is why I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to feel like it was your fault, because it wasn’t. Nothing that happened to us was your fault. You were seventeen, with no full-time job and no way to take care of a little kid. There was nothing you could’ve done that you didn’t do. I always knew that. So it took a little while for you to get me back. Some siblings wouldn’t have even tried.”

Tears spilled onto Emily’s cheeks. “I just wish I could’ve spared you from that.”

“Blame Mom and Dad.” Colleen flashed her best gallows-humor grin. “I always have.”

Emily nodded, then retreated to her side of the couch. With her anger gone, she wasn’t sure how to feel. Self-recrimination was a no-brainer, considering what Colleen had just revealed. Flattered, that Colleen had finally trusted her enough to tell her. Frustrated, because she’d pushed Nat away for reasons that seemed less and less important now that she and Colleen were talking again. So many emotions swirled around inside her, threatening to explode.

“Are you okay?” Colleen nudged her with a sock-covered foot. “I didn’t tell you that to upset you. I wanted you to know that I wasn’t being an asshole that night just for the hell of it.”

“I know you weren’t.” Emily released a shaky breath. “And I don’t know how I am.”

“Em—” The doorbell rang. Colleen held out her hand in a silent plea for Emily not to get up. “This will only take a second. Don’t go anywhere.”

“All right.” Emily closed her eyes, resting her head against the couch cushion while Colleen paid the delivery boy. She wanted to crawl in bed and stay there forever. Now that she knew exactly how her encounter with Nat had impacted Colleen, she felt lower than low. And still, what she craved more than anything was a simple phone call with Nat or, better yet, being held in her strong arms. It was the only thing that she knew would ease the pain in her chest.

Colleen touched her arm. “Em.”

Startled, Emily sat up. “I was just resting my eyes.”

“Looked more like you were upset.” Ignoring the cartons of food on the coffee table, Colleen sat cross-legged on the couch and searched her face. “Please don’t be sad. I told you I’m fine now.”

“It’s not that.” Emily hesitated, then admitted, “Well, not entirely.”

“Then what?”

“I’m just…tired.”

“No, you’re sad,” Colleen said. “It’s obvious. You’ve been moping around here for days. I was hoping that apologizing would help.”

“It does.”

Colleen tilted her head. “But something else is wrong?”

She met Colleen’s eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Colleen nodded. She turned to the coffee table and opened the container of lemon chicken with a happy sigh. Never having had enough patience for chopsticks, she grabbed a fork and shoveled a bite into her mouth. Unladylike as ever. Without tearing her attention away from her food, Colleen said, “So your friend? Nat?”

“What about her?” As hard as she tried to keep her voice even, she knew she sounded upset and defensive. With effort, she relaxed her shoulders.

“Are you dating her? I mean, is she your girlfriend or something?”

“No.” Emily paused, fighting to bring her rising emotion under control. “I’m not seeing her anymore.”

“Oh.” Colleen chewed in silence, then gave her a sidelong glance. “Was it because of what happened that night? ’Cause she seemed like more than just a fuck buddy. The way she defended you and everything.”

A fresh tear escaped from Emily’s eye and tracked its way down her cheek. She wiped it away with a casualness she didn’t feel. “It’s complicated. That’s all.”

“Complicated how?” Colleen stopped chewing. “Wait, did Nat end it, or did you?”

Emily didn’t respond. The answer was too complex to boil down. She’d used her obligation to Colleen as her main justification for running away, but honestly, her flight response was more about her own fear than anything. Nat had been willing to take whatever she could give, as long as their relationship meant
something
. Colleen had been the most convenient excuse for why she had nothing to offer, but she wasn’t the real reason Emily had run away. If she’d truly wanted to make things work with Nat, Colleen’s initial impression of her girlfriend wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker. If she had been brave enough to take a chance on another person, she would never have given up fighting to make it work—just like she’d never given up on taking care of Colleen.