The New Rule: (The Casual Rule 2) (31 page)

“Go back to bed and act surprised when I show up with your breakfast. And may I add, I made turkey bacon for you, a small sacrifice for love,” I joke, placing my hand over my heart.

He says nothing, his eyes cast down to the floor.

“Hey, are you okay? I thought after last night…”

“Julia,” he interrupts me. “We need to talk.”

“Ben, it’s Saturday. We have all day to talk. The sun is shining. Breakfast is ready. It’s a brand new day. Let’s enjoy the morning.”

“Julia…” He shakes his head, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

“Back to bed. Don’t you want to make me happy?”

He sighs. “That’s all I want.”

“Then get your ass in bed.”

“We’ll eat here,” he says.

“I just… I just thought it would be more intimate in bed. You know, we could eat… and do other stuff.”

“It’s fine here. Come on, let’s sit.”

“Alright,” I say cautiously, a little confused.

The invisible wall has resurrected itself. I’m back to walking on eggshells. I thought last night was the start of the bricks finally coming down. I splash on my fake smile; pretending I’m not hurt by his rejection and busy myself by grabbing two mugs.

“I’ll help you,” Ben offers.

“No, it’s fine. I got it,” I choke out. My stomach sinks. I’m trying hard to mask my disappointment, but I know it’s going to be a losing battle. I pour coffee into each mug and place them on the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ben watching me.

I grab the sugar bowl and put it down on the table, when I look up our gazes meet and I know something is wrong. The look I’m getting across the room isn’t a look of love; it’s something entirely different. My heart is beating furiously in my chest. I’m doing my best to steady my breathing.

“Just say it,” I tell him.

“What?”

“Say whatever’s on your mind. We’re never going to enjoy our breakfast until you get it off your chest.”

He walks over to me, takes my hand and leads me to a chair.

“Sit down,” he says.

I sit, never breaking eye contact and wait. My stomach is doing flips. I’m grateful I haven’t eaten yet.

He crouches down until we’re at eye level and exhales a long breath. He looks at me with a profound sadness in his eyes. I’ve only seen that look from him once before—when I left him last December.

“Look, Julia,” he says, his voice strained.

“Don’t.” Panicked, I place my finger over his lips. “I’ve changed my mind. Don’t say anything.” I’m fighting the contents of last night’s dinner from coming up my throat. This is bad, I know it’s bad.

He grabs hold of my finger and pulls it down away from his mouth, still holding it in his hand.

“I have to.” He sighs heavily. “We need a break.”

“Like a couple of days?” It wouldn’t be the first time Ben’s needed a little space.

“No.”

“A week?” I ask weakly.

“No.” He shakes his head.

“You’re not talking about a break, are you? You want a break-up.”

“Look at us. You’re miserable. I can’t make you happy. You deserve better than this.”

His words rip the air from my lungs. The room is spinning in dizzying nauseating circles. I think I’m about to pass out.

“No. You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re overwhelmed and confused. Ben, please don’t do this,” I plead.

“It’s not fair to you. You’re getting crumbs from me. You deserve so much more.”

“I’ll take the crumbs.”

“I don’t know if I’m meant for this.”

“For what?”

“A relationship like this.”

I grab his face in my hands, turning it until we’re looking directly into each other’s eyes. My eyes widen in horror.

“You’re just stressed out. You’ve had a lot going on in a short period of time. This is your grief talking.”

“This is me talking.” He sounds defeated, resigned even.

“You have doubts… about us?”

“I have doubts about me. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.”

“Is there someone else?” I whisper, swallowing hard, sickened that those words even entered my thoughts.

He shakes his head and his expression softens. “No,” he says quietly. “It’s only been you.” The sincerity in his eyes tells me he’s truthful.

“I’m not good enough for you?”

“What?” He frowns, shaking his head. “You’re better than me in every sense of the word.”

“You don’t love me anymore?” My voice cracks. I place my hand over my mouth, holding in a sob.

“I love you more than you know,” his voice somber and sad.

“Then why? Why do you want to tear us apart?”

“I need to figure out my life.”

“And if I belong in it?”

“I’ve always kept a distance from relationships. Right now, I need things simple and uncomplicated. Relationships have responsibilities I’m not capable of meeting. It’s better this way. My head is filled with too much shit. I can’t give you anything. I have nothing to give.”

“I’ll wait. I’ll take the little parts of you until you piece yourself back together.”

“That’s not fair to you.”

“And you think this is? Ripping out my heart is fair? You’re making no sense. This is all a bad dream. I’m dreaming right now, aren’t I?” I asked, panicked.

“I just want you happy.”

“I am happy. You make me happy.”

“Not lately. You deserve so much more. I can’t give it to you. That’s why I have to let you go.”

“Shut up. Just shut up. You once told me to believe in you. You promised you'd never hurt me. You see why it’s so unbelievable? You're a liar. I was stupid enough to believe you meant forever.”

“Maybe we're not meant to spend forever together.”

 “I don’t believe that and neither do you. Don’t push me away. I’ll push right back. I won’t give up on us. We have something special. I felt it last night. I know you feel this, Ben. This thing between us. And I know you will never feel
this
,” I wave my hand between the two of us, “with anyone else. I know it. You feel it? Don't you?”

“Yes. I feel it. What I feel for you has nothing to do with this.”

“You’re wrong... what you feel for me has everything to do with this. Do you know how many times I’ve cried over you? Over us? Over what we’ve become? I know you’re in pain, but shutting me out of your life isn’t the way to soothe it.”

“Julia…”

“Don’t ‘Julia’ me. I’m sorry your family sucks. I’m sorry your grandmother died. And I’m sorry you lost your desire to write. But this break is our death sentence. I know it, and you know it too. You’ve given up on everything you love including us. I’m not stupid, Ben. I know what a break is; it’s an excuse to walk away from our relationship. An excuse to fuck other people without the guilt. Isn’t that right Mr. Casual? That’s what this break is. Go back to your Pre-Julia days, before you were pinned down to just one.”

“This has nothing to do with sex.”

“I won’t live my life in limbo waiting for you to decide if you like me. If I’m worth your time.”

“No, no. That’s not...” he says emphatically, shaking his head.

I interrupt him. “If you loved me you wouldn’t do this.”

“I’m doing this because I love you. I'm a fucking mess. You deserve better than this.” 

“You don’t get to decide what I deserve.
I
decide that.”

“This isn't easy for me. I'm trying not to be selfish and do right by you.”

 “You think crushing me is selfless? You have a distorted view of what selfish is... because shredding my heart to pieces feels pretty fucking selfish to me.”

I lean back in the chair and close my eyes, composing myself. My eyes widen when it all dawns on me. Everything that lead up to this horrific moment. Our night of passion… that good morning kiss.

“Oh my God. Last night you knew. When you were holding me, whispering in my ear, making love to me… you knew you were going to do this, didn’t you?” I whisper. “Last night wasn’t us making up… it was you saying goodbye. Wasn’t it?”

He stares down at the floor, raking his fingers through his hair.

“Answer me,” I snap.

He looks back up at me with a pained expression.

“Yes,” he whispers.

A sob escapes as I cover my mouth with my hand.

“I have to go,” I choke out, pushing him aside with my arm. I leap from the chair and run to his bedroom.

Rushing into his room, I wipe the tears falling down my cheeks with my hands. I pick up my clothes scattered on the floor from his farewell fuck. I take off his T-shirt and slip on my bra and panties while playing over and over in my mind hundreds of tiny moments we shared, happy moments tucked away… and how he can cast that all aside so easily.

I grab my shirt off the floor and catch a glimpse of Ben leaning in the doorway… looking as gutted as I feel.

I bend down and grab a shoe. “Remember when you told me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop?” I open my hand, and the shoe falls to the floor. “Well, it fucking dropped, didn’t it? I’ve always respected your need for space, and I gave it to you willingly. But I’ve just lost all respect for
you
. You are a coward. I know you love me. I feel it when you touch me. I see it when you look at me. And you’re tossing it all away because it’s complicated, and your head is messed up. Guess what,
Ben
, just because life is messy and complicated doesn’t mean you stop living it.”

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

“You’re sorry? Fuck you. They’re just words. They used to hold meaning. But since you’re abandoning your writing as well as abandoning me… your apology and your precious words are meaningless.” I shake my head in disbelief. “One day you’ll realize that I was the one… and it’ll be too late.”

Sitting on the edge of his bed, I throw on my shirt, skirt, and shove my shoes on my feet.

He watches me silently. He looks absolutely devastated, but he’s not making any attempt to stop this from happening.

“I should have known it was too good to be true.” I look up at him, ignoring the tears falling down my face. “Was it all a lie? Us. A big beautiful lie?” I ask softly.

He shakes his head. “No.”

“You were supposed to be my happily ever after.”

“I don’t think I’m meant to have a happily ever after.” 

He’s damned himself into a permanent state of misery.

“Tell me… What do you see when you look at me?” I ask quietly.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore,” he whispers.

“You don’t know? I look at you and I’ve never been so sure of anything. I see happiness and joy. I see unwavering love and devotion, especially in tough times.” I swallow hard. “And you don’t know?” I ask in disbelief, my voice cracking.

I walk past him toward the front door and grab my handbag. Ben follows closely behind.

A calming numbness envelopes me, protecting me from the heartbreaking misery unfolding like I’m having an out-of-body experience, watching someone else’s nightmare played out in front of me.

My hopes, my dreams, my plans stolen in a matter of minutes.

I spin around to face him, our gazes meet.

“Do you want me to give my heart to another man? Give my body to someone else? Let him undress me, touch me, kiss me… Fuck me? Do you want me to scream out his name when he’s inside me; doing all the things you loved to do to me? Is that what you want?” I ask, slowly drawing out each word, never raising my voice or breaking eye contact.

 He closes his eyes briefly and flinches like he was just punched in the stomach.

“Are you purposely trying to hurt me?” he whispers, gazing directly into my eyes.

“Yes,” I answer bitterly, never breaking eye contact.   

He takes a deep breath and blows it out quickly, his eyes glassy, then clears his throat. He shakes his head minutely but says nothing as my spiteful words cut through him.

He grabs hold of my arms, pressing his forehead against mine.

“I can’t give you what I know you need. I love you. Please believe that,” he says softly, his voice cracking. He’s told me he loves me a thousand times before. This is the first time it’s painful to hear.

He leans in to kiss me, but I take a step back, shaking my head. I grab hold of the doorknob and turn it, opening the door.

“But that’s not enough for you. Is it?” I whisper, barely able to get out the words. “No one will ever love you as much as I do. You were
it
for me. I thought I was for you too. I guess I was wrong.”

“Julia, I…,” he begins. I put my hand up to stop him.

“I will never be sorry for falling in love with you. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. I want you to be happy, even if it’s without me.” I lift my hand and caress his cheek, looking for one last connection. He closes his eyes and places his hand on top of mine, holding it tightly.

He tries to wrap his arms around me to hold me, but I break away, shaking my head.

“No. You don’t get to hold me anymore. You gave up that right. Goodbye, Ben.”

He nods slowly, his eyes are red and glassy, his pain evident.

“Goodbye, Julia.”

Chapter 19

My legs are shaking. I steady myself by leaning my trembling hand against the wall in the hallway. I stagger down the hall toward the elevator, never looking back. I know he’s watching me. I feel his gaze on me, but I’m not going to torture myself and look back.

I push the call button and wait, staring straight ahead at the shiny elevator doors.

“Please hurry, please hurry,” I whisper.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks, but I won’t let him see me wipe them away. I leave them, taking in several short puffs of air to calm myself.

I need to think. How can he do this to me? How can he do this to us? I knew things weren’t great, but I had no idea he didn’t want me anymore.

Have we been fooling ourselves? He was never going to be a relationship guy. I should have listened to my gut. I knew it when I met him. It comes so naturally to me. But in just a matter of minutes, he threw it away.

I leave the building, practically falling out of the front doors and squint when the brilliant daylight hits me. How can the sun shine so brightly when everything around me feels so dark?

What do I do? Where do I go? I don’t want to go back to my apartment. I can’t… there’s too many happy memories associated with it now. I’m not ready to face that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.