The Merry Wives of Windsor (16 page)

Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,

And marry her at
Eton
⁷⁵
.—

Go, send to Falstaff straight.

FORD
    Nay, I’ll to him again in name of Broom:

He’ll tell me all his purpose. Sure, he’ll come.

MISTRESS PAGE
    Fear not you that.— Go get us
properties
⁷⁹
and

tricking
⁸⁰
for our fairies.

EVANS
    Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and fery

honest knaveries.

MISTRESS PAGE
    Go, Mistress Ford,

Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.

85 I’ll to the Doctor. He hath my good will,

And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.

That Slender, though
well landed
⁸⁷
, is an idiot,

And
he my husband best of all affects
⁸⁸
.

The Doctor is well moneyed, and his friends

Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her,

Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.

HOST
    What wouldst thou have,
boor
? What,
thick-skin
¹
?

Speak, breathe,
discuss
²
: brief, short, quick, snap.

SIMPLE
    Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff

from Master Slender.

HOST
    There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his

standing-bed and truckle-bed
⁶
. ’Tis painted about with the

story of the
Prodigal
⁷
, fresh and new. Go, knock and call. He’ll

speak like an
Anthropophaginian
⁸
unto thee. Knock, I say.

SIMPLE
    There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into

his chamber. I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I

come to speak with her indeed.

HOST
    Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll

call.— Bully knight, bully Sir John! Speak from thy
lungs
¹³

military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine
Ephesian
¹⁴
, calls.

FALSTAFF
    How now, mine host?

HOST
    Here’s a
Bohemian-Tartar
¹⁶
tarries the coming down

of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend. My

chambers are honourable. Fie!
Privacy
¹⁸
? Fie!

FALSTAFF
    There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now

with me, but she’s gone.

SIMPLE
    Pray you, sir, was’t not the
wise woman
²¹
of Brentford?

FALSTAFF
    Ay, marry, was it,
mussel-shell
²²
. What would you

with her?

SIMPLE
    My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing

her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nim, sir,

that
beguiled
²⁶
him of a chain, had the chain or no.

FALSTAFF
    I spake with the old woman about it.

SIMPLE
    And what says she, I pray, sir?

FALSTAFF
    Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled

Master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it.

SIMPLE
    I would I could have spoken with the woman herself:

I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.

FALSTAFF
    What are they? Let us know.

HOST
    Ay, come. Quick.

SIMPLE
    I may not
conceal
³⁵
them, sir.

HOST
    Conceal them, or thou diest.

SIMPLE
    Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne

Page, to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.

FALSTAFF
    ’Tis, ’tis his fortune.

SIMPLE
    What, sir?

FALSTAFF
    To have her or no. Go, say the woman told me so.

SIMPLE
    May I be bold to say so, sir?

FALSTAFF
    Ay, sir,
like who more bold
⁴³
.

SIMPLE
    I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad

with these tidings.

HOST
    Thou art
clerkly
⁴⁶
, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was

there a wise woman with thee?

FALSTAFF
    Ay, that there was, mine host, one that hath taught

me more wit than ever I learned before in my life. And I paid

nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.

BARDOLPH
    Out, alas, sir. Cozenage,
mere
⁵¹
cozenage!

HOST
    Where be my horses? Speak well of them,
varletto
⁵²
.

BARDOLPH
    Run away with the cozeners, for so soon as I came

beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in

a
slough of mire
⁵⁵
, and set spurs and away, like three German

devils, three
Doctor Faustuses
⁵⁶
.

HOST
    They are gone but to meet the duke, villain. Do not

say they be fled. Germans are honest men.

EVANS
    Where is mine host?

HOST
    What is the matter, sir?

EVANS
    Have a care of your
entertainments
⁶¹
. There is a friend

of mine come to town tells me there is three
cozen-germans
⁶²

that has cozened all the hosts of
Readings, of Maidenhead, of
⁶³

Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look

you. You are wise and full of gibes and
vlouting-stocks
⁶⁵
, and

’tis not
convenient
⁶⁶
you should be cozened. Fare you well.

CAIUS
    Vere is mine host de Jarteer?

HOST
    Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful

dilemma.

CAIUS
    I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me dat you

make grand preparation for a duke de
Jamany
⁷¹
. By my trot,

dere is no duke
that the court is know to come
⁷²
. I tell you for

good will. Adieu.

HOST
    
Hue and cry, villain
⁷⁴
, go!— Assist me,

knight, I am undone!—

Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!

FALSTAFF
    I would all the world might be cozened, for I have

been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of

the court, how I have been transformed and how my

transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would

melt me out of my fat drop by drop, and
liquor
⁸¹
fishermen’s

boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine

wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered

since I
forswore myself at primero
. Well, if my
wind
⁸⁴
were but

long enough, I would repent.

Now, whence come you?

MISTRESS QUICKLY
    From the two parties, forsooth.

FALSTAFF
    The devil take one party and his
dam
⁸⁸
the other,

and so they shall be both
bestowed
⁸⁹
. I have suffered more for

their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s

disposition is able to bear.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
    And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant,

speciously
⁹³
one of them. Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten

black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.

FALSTAFF
    What tell’st thou me of black and blue? I was beaten

myself into all the colours of the rainbow, and I was
like
⁹⁶
to

be apprehended for the witch of Brentford.
But
⁹⁷
that my

admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of

an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me

i’th’stocks, i’th’common stocks, for a witch.

MISTRESS QUICKLY
    Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber.

You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content.

Here is a letter will say somewhat — good hearts, what ado

here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve

heaven well, that you are so
crossed
¹⁰⁵
.

FALSTAFF
    Come up into my chamber.

HOST
    Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is heavy. I

will give
over
²
all.

FENTON
    Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,

And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee

A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.

HOST
    I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the

least, keep your
counsel
⁷
.

FENTON
    From time to time I have acquainted you

With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page,

Who mutually hath answered my affection —

So far forth
¹¹
as herself might be her chooser —

Even
to
¹²
my wish. I have a letter from her

Of such contents as you will wonder at;

The
mirth
whereof so
larded with my matter
¹⁴
,

That neither singly can be manifested

Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff

Hath a great
scene
. The
image
¹⁷
of the jest

I’ll show you here
at large
¹⁸
. Hark, good mine host:

Tonight at Herne’s Oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,

Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen —

The purpose why is here — in which disguise,

While other jests are something
rank on foot
²²
,

Her father hath commanded her to slip

Away with Slender, and with him at Eton

Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir,

Her mother — ever strong against that match

And firm for Doctor Caius — hath appointed

That he shall likewise
shuffle
²⁸
her away,

While other sports are
tasking of
²⁹
their minds,

And at the
dean’ry
³⁰
, where a priest attends,

Straight marry her. To this her mother’s plot

She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath

Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus
it rests
³³
:

Her father means she shall be all in white,

And in that
habit
³⁵
, when Slender sees his time

To take her by the hand and bid her go,

She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended,

The better to
denote
³⁸
her to the doctor —

For they must all be masked and vizarded —

That
quaint
in green she shall be
loose enrobed
⁴⁰
,

With ribbons
pendent
flaring
⁴¹
’bout her head;

And when the doctor spies his
vantage
⁴²
ripe,

To pinch her by the hand, and on that
token
⁴³
,

The maid hath given consent to go with him.

HOST
    Which means she to deceive, father or mother?

FENTON
    Both, my good host, to go along with me.

And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar

To
stay
⁴⁸
for me at church, ’twixt twelve and one,

And, in the lawful name of marrying,

To give our hearts united ceremony.

HOST
    Well,
husband
your
device
⁵¹
. I’ll to the vicar.

Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.

FENTON
    So shall I evermore be bound to thee:

Besides, I’ll make a
present
⁵⁴
recompense.