The Marriage Book (57 page)

7. Alone, I could perhaps some day really give up my job. Married, it will never be possible.

AMELIA EARHART

LETTER TO GEORGE PUTNAM, 1931

If this letter from aviatrix Amelia Earhart (1897–1937) to publisher George Palmer Putnam just before their wedding clearly expressed her qualms, it didn’t change his determination. He had already proposed to Earhart five times before. Eventually Putnam would call this letter “brutal in its frankness but beautiful in its honesty.” And when asked why he had let Earhart fly solo across the Atlantic the first time, he wrote in
Redbook
magazine: “When the person who happens to be my wife wants very much to do something, she doesn’t have to get my permission—her husband’s royal sanction—any more than I have to get her permission if I want to fly down to Washington or take a lady to lunch.” They were still married six years later, when her plane disappeared over the Pacific Ocean.

Dear GPP,

There are some things which should be writ before we are married—things we have talked over before—most of them.

You must know again my reluctance to marry, my feeling that I shatter thereby chances in work which means most to me. I feel the move just now as foolish as anything I could do. I know there may be compensations but have no heart to look ahead.

On our life together I want you to understand I shall not hold you to any [medieval] code of faithfulness to me nor shall I consider myself bound to you similarly. If we can be honest I think the difficulties which arise may best be avoided should you or I become interested deeply (or in passing) in anyone else.

Please let us not interfere with each others’ work or play, nor let the world see our private joys or disagreements. In this connection I may have to keep some place where I can go to be myself, now and then, for I cannot guarantee to endure at all times the confinement of even an attractive cage.

I must exact a cruel promise, and this is that you will let me go in a year if we find no happiness together.

I will try to do my best in every way and give you that part of me you know and seem to want.

A. E.

STEPHEN SONDHEIM

“GETTING MARRIED TODAY,” 1970

For more than sixty years, Stephen Sondheim (1940–) has been an unrivaled force in the world of musical theater, writing some of its most brilliant songs, sparking some of its most passionate debates, and winning all of its most coveted awards. Quite a number of his greatest lyrics have been about marriage, and choosing among them for this book was a challenge. This song is from the musical
Company
and features a panic-stricken would-be bride, Amy, singing about her clueless would-be groom, Paul, while an imperturbable choir girl with a church-ready soprano voice brings a sense of occasion to the hysteria.

AMY

Pardon me, is everybody there?

Because if everybody’s there,

I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding.

I’d appreciate your going even more, I mean, you must have lots of better things to do, And not a word of it to Paul.

Remember Paul? You know, the man I’m gonna marry, But I’m not, because I wouldn’t ruin Anyone as wonderful as he is— But I thank you all

For the gifts and the flowers.

Thank you all,

Now it’s back to the showers.

Don’t tell Paul,

But I’m not getting married today.

CHURCH LADY

Bless this day, tragedy of life,

Husband yoked to wife.

The heart sinks down and feels dead This dreadful day.

AMY

Listen, everybody.

Look, I don’t know what you’re waiting for.

A wedding, what’s a wedding?

It’s a prehistoric ritual

Where everybody promises fidelity forever, Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard, And which is followed by a honeymoon Where suddenly he’ll realize

He’s saddled with a nut

And want to kill me, which he should.

So listen,

Thanks a bunch,

But I’m not getting married.

Go have lunch,

’Cause I’m not getting married.

You’ve been grand,

But I’m not getting married.

Don’t just stand

There, I’m not getting married!

And don’t tell Paul,

But I’m not getting married today.

Go!

Can’t you go?

Why is no-

Body listening?

Goodbye!

Go and cry

At another person’s wake.

If you’re quick,

For a kick

You could pick

Up a christening,

But please,

On my knees,

There’s a human life at stake!

Listen, everybody, I’m afraid you didn’t hear, Or do you want to see a crazy lady

Fall apart in front of you?

It isn’t only Paul who may be ruining his life, you know, We’ll both of us be losing our identities— I telephoned my analyst about it

And he said to see him Monday,

But by Monday I’ll be floating

In the Hudson with the other garbage.

I’m not well,

So I’m not getting married.

You’ve been swell,

But I’m not getting married.

Clear the hall,

’Cause I’m not getting married.

Thank you all,

But I’m not getting married.

And don’t tell Paul,

But I’m not getting married today!

JENNIFER GAUVAIN

“THE SHOCKING TRUTH FOR THIRTY PERCENT OF DIVORCED WOMEN,” 2011

Jennifer Gauvain (1972–), a licensed clinical social worker, sent out a survey and based her article on nearly a thousand responses. This column ran on the
Huffington Post
’s divorce page. Gauvain is the coauthor, with Anne Milford, of the book
How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy
.

Amid a chorus of critics who shout “hindsight bias” or “selective memory,” I stand firm. If you take 10 divorced women and ask them whether they believed on their wedding day that they were marrying the right guy for the right reasons, seven of them would say yes and three will confess they had serious doubts
long before walking down the aisle
. That’s the shocking truth for 30 percent of divorced women.

These women have very clear, distinct memories of the doubts, issues and concerns that existed in the relationship all along. They can also tell you exactly what they were feeling before they walked down the aisle. For example:
I was avoiding my dad’s eyes as I waited with him at the end of the aisle. I did not want to hear any “pearls of wisdom.” Instead I paid attention to the photographer. I simply could not look at my dad because I knew I was making a mistake.

I felt like I was dying a thousand deaths. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

By the time they made it to the ceremony, they felt it was too late to turn back. While their insides told them to run, their outsides marched down the aisle. They saw problems and ignored them. However, every single one of them put the blame for ignoring the problems and issues squarely on their own shoulders. The problem is not that their fiancé was a bad guy—
the problem was that they ignored the problems!

Why would smart women do this? They cited many of the same reasons: • Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder.

• “Marriage will instantly make the relationship better.”

• “It’s my last chance to get married and no one else will come along.”

• “If it doesn’t work out I can always get a divorce.”

You can be critical, point your finger and shake your head. Judgment aside, “these women” are your sisters, daughters, and friends. Maybe even you. Their common—yet misguided—belief
is that they are better off with the wrong guy than being alone. It doesn’t matter how self-actualized, independent or liberal-minded they are.

So what’s the answer? When in doubt, don’t!

JUSTIN LAVNER, BENJAMIN KARNEY, THOMAS BRADBURY

“DO COLD FEET WARN OF TROUBLE AHEAD?,” 2012

The
Oxford English Dictionary
dates the term “cold feet” to an 1893 Stephen Crane novel, also offering earlier synonyms, among them “sheepness” (which has nothing to do with farming) and “arghness” (which has nothing to do with pirates). By whatever name, apprehension before marriage is a phenomenon often noted but, until recently, never scientifically studied. In 2012, psychologists at UCLA published the results of their investigation into the relationship between pre-wedding jitters and post-wedding woes. This was the abstract for their report.

Are the doubts that people feel before marriage signs of impending difficulties or normative experiences that can be safely ignored? To test these opposing views, we asked 464 recently married spouses whether they had ever been uncertain about getting married and then compared 4-year divorce rates and marital satisfaction trajectories among those partners with and without premarital doubts. Doubts were reported by at least one partner in two-thirds of couples. Women with premarital doubts had significantly higher four-year divorce rates, even when controlling for concurrent marital satisfaction, the difficulty of their engagement, history of parental divorce, premarital cohabitation, and neuroticism. Among intact couples, men’s and women’s doubts predicted less satisfied marital trajectories. Premarital doubts appear to be common but not benign, suggesting that valid precursors of marital distress are evident during couples’ engagements.

R

RINGS

COLLEY CIBBER

THE DOUBLE GALLANT; OR, THE SICK LADY’S CURE
, 1707

A British actor, playwright, and theater manager, Colley Cibber (1671–1757) was renowned for playing popular foppish roles, writing widely derided poetry, and stitching together plays from any number of other sources.

In 1743, Cibber became the main character in Alexander Pope’s
The Dunciad
.

Oh, how many torments lie in the small circle of a wedding-ring.

PROVERB

As your wedding-ring wears, your cares will wear away.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

“RULES AND MAXIMS FOR PROMOTING MATRIMONIAL HAPPINESS,” 1730

Author, printer, inventor, and Founding Father Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790) wrote the article from which these lines were taken when he was a just-married twenty-four-year-old. It was subsequently, frequently, and anonymously reprinted by various British and American publications for many years.

For more Franklin, see also
When
;
Why
.

Always wear your wedding ring, for therein lies more virtue than usually is imagined. If you are ruffled unawares, assaulted with improper thoughts, or tempted in any kind against your duty, cast your eyes upon it, and call to mind, who gave it you, where it was received, and what passed at that solemn time.

ROBERT KEMP PHILP

ENQUIRE WITHIN UPON EVERYTHING
, 1856

With the heading “Love’s Telegraph,” this was fact number 2,032 of 3,031 in the most popular of the many reference books compiled by Robert Kemp Philp (1819–1882). Other topics ranged from ringworm and the hyphen to baked eels and the management of blackbirds.

Between 1856 and 1888,
Enquire Within
sold more than a million copies.

If a gentleman wants a wife, he wears a ring on the
first
finger of the left hand; if he is engaged, he wears it on the
second
finger; if married, on the
third
; and on the fourth, if he never intends to be married. When a lady is not engaged, she wears a hoop or diamond on her
first
finger; if engaged, on the
second
; if married, on the
third
; and on the fourth, if she intends to die a maid.

A JEWELER

“MEN’S MARRIAGE RINGS,” 1889

The “lady” described in this letter to the editor of the
St. Louis Globe-Democrat
was at least half a century ahead of her time. According to social historian Vicki Howard, an attempt on the part of U.S. jewelers and retailers had been organized in the 1920s to push the idea of a male engagement ring. While that never took, a 1940s effort capitalized on the sentimentality of the war and postwar years, and, spurred by print ads, newsreels, and movies, Americans began to see men’s wedding rings as the norm, not the exception.