The Marriage Book (25 page)

25. Wears pajamas while cooking.

26. Talks during movie, play or concert.

27. Is more than 15 pounds overweight.

28. Often whining and complaining.

29. Discourteous to sales clerks and hired help.

30. Shoulder straps hang over arms or slip is uneven and shows.

31. Fails to wash top of milk bottle before opening it.

32. Corrects husband’s speech or actions before others. (5) 33. Saves punishment of children for father at night. (5) 34. Serves dinner but fails to sit down till meal is half over—then wants husband to wait for her.

35. Wears pajamas instead of nightgown.

36. Fails to bathe or brush teeth often enough. (5) 37. Puts stockings to soak in wash basin.

38. Serves too much from tin cans or the delicatessen store.

39. Visits mother too often—a spoiled child.

40. Is snobbish or too much concerned in “keeping up with the Jones.”

41. Dislikes husband’s hobbies as fishing, baseball, etc.

42. Tells lies—is not dependable. (5)

43. Doesn’t want to get up to prepare breakfast.

44. Insists on driving the car when husband is along.

45. Smokes in bed or has cigarette stained fingers.

46. Cries, sulks or pouts too much.

47. Makes evening engagements without consulting her husband.

48.
Talks too long on the phone.

49. Is a gossip.

50. Walks around the house in stocking feet.

MERITS

1. A good hostess—even to unexpected guests.

2. Has meals on time.

3. Can carry on an interesting conversation.

4. Can play a musical instrument, as piano, violin, etc.

5. Dresses for breakfast.

6. Neat housekeeper—tidy and clean.

7. Personally puts children to bed.

8. Never goes to bed angry, always makes up first. (5) 9. Asks husband’s opinions regarding important decisions and purchases.

10. Good sense of humor—jolly and gay.

11. Religious—sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself. (10) 12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays.

13. Encourages thrift—economical. (5)

14. Laughs at husband’s jokes and his clowning.

15. Ambitious for her family—urges higher attainment.

16. Belongs to parent-teacher club, or child study group.

17. A good cook—serves balanced meals. (5) 18. Tries to become acquainted with husband’s business or trade.

19. Greets husband at night with a smile.

20. Has a pleasant disposition in the morning—not crabby.

21. Keeps snacks in refrigerator for late eating.

22. Likes educational and cultural things.

23. Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress. (10) 24. Faithful and true to husband. (10)

25. Has pleasant voice—not strident.

26. Has spunk—will defend her ideals and religion.

27. Praises husband in public.

28. Writes often and lovingly when away from husband.

29. Writes to husband’s parents regularly.

30. Willing to assist husband at office or shop.

31. Sympathetic—likes
children and unfortunates. (5) 32. Keeps hair neatly combed or shampooed and waved.

33. Often comments on husband’s strength and masculinity.

34. Good seamstress—can make her own clothes or the children’s clothes.

35. Gives husband shampoo or manicure.

36. Keeps husband’s clothes clean and pressed.

37. Bravely carries on during financial depression.

38. Healthy or courageous and uncomplaining.

39. Keeps self dainty, perfumed and feminine.

40. Is of the same religion as her husband. (5) 41. Has minor children to care for. (5 points per child) 42. On friendly terms with neighbors.

43. Fair and just in settling the children’s quarrels with others.

44. Likes to vacation with husband.

45. An active member of some women’s organization.

46. Often tells husband she loves him. (5) 47. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband.

48. Willing to get a job to help support the home.

49. Praises marriage before young women contemplating it.

50. Is unselfish and kind-hearted.

CLIFFORD ADAMS

PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
, 1951

Clifford Adams (see
Conflict
) posed the following question to several hundred married couples: “What changes would you make in your mate, if you could?” These were the answers from spouses identified as “unhappy.”

OLIVER BUTTERFIELD

PLANNING FOR MARRIAGE
, 1956

In his chapter “When Troubles Come,” Dr. Oliver Butterfield (1891–1963) listed “Disgusting mannerisms” squarely between “Sexual abnormalities and obsessions” and “Drinking and drug addiction.” A Methodist pastor, Butterfield wrote several books on love and marriage and was often quoted as an expert on both subjects.

Disgusting mannerisms of personal hygiene sometimes are the root of the disgust or repugnance which one mate develops for the other. . . .

One woman got to where she refused to sleep with her husband or to allow him any sexual privileges. He accused her of interest in other men and even had her examined by a psychiatrist because he considered her behavior such a radical change from her earlier romantic elopement and devotion to him. When given the opportunity to explain her side of the story she finally came out with the facts.

“Do you know why I don’t sleep with him? Well, he stinks!”

JUDITH VIORST

LOVE AND SHRIMP
, 1993

Renowned for her children’s books, most notably
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
, Judith Viorst (1931–) has also written poetry, advice, and psychology books (including
Necessary Losses
and
Imperfect Control
). Her audience was identified as WAMMMs (White, Affluent, Middle-class, Middle-aged, Married Mothers) by a
Los Angeles Times
critic reviewing
Love and Shrimp
, a musical for which Viorst wrote the book and lyrics (Shelly Markham wrote the music). The following lines were half-sung, half-spoken by a character called simply “Woman 3.”

(Sings.)

If I quit hoping he’ll show up with flowers, and He quits hoping I’ll squeeze him an orange, and I quit shaving my legs with his razor, and He quits wiping his feet with my face towel, and We avoid discussions like

Is he really smarter than I am, or simply more glib, Maybe we’ll make it.

(Speaks.)

Even if I had a PhD in psychology,

Even if I were a diplomatic whiz,

Even if I were Queen of the Charmers and more irresistibly sexual Than whoever the current reigning sexpot is, And even if I had a fortune to squander on payoffs, And even if I had Mafia connections,

It still would be impossible for me to persuade my husband To stop—please stop—the car, and ask for directions.

(Sings.)

If I quit looking to prove that he’s hostile, and He quits looking for dust on the tables, and I quit inviting Lenore with the giggle, and He quits inviting Maurice with the complex, and We avoid discussions like

Suppose I died, which one of our friends would he marry, Maybe we’ll make it.

(Speaks.)

Even if I were collapsing from thirst and from hunger, Even if I were reduced to darkest gloom,

Even if I observed, between sobs, that we should have arrived three hours ago And the inn was going to give away our room, And even if I revived all my marital grievances: Old hurts and humiliations and rejections, It still would be impossible for me to persuade my husband To stop—just stop—the car, and ask for directions.

(Sings.)

If
I quit clearing the plates while he’s eating, and He quits clearing his throat while I’m speaking, and I quit implying I could have done better, and He quits implying he wishes I had, and

We avoid discussions like

Does his mother really love him, or is she simply one of those over-possessive, devouring women who can’t let go,
(Speaks.)

Even if I were to throw a full-scale temper tantrum, Even if I were to call him an uncouth name, Even if I were to not-so-gently note that, should we wind up getting divorced, He would have nobody else but himself to blame, And even if I, in a tone I concede is called screaming, Enumerated his countless imperfections,

It still would be impossible for me to persuade my husband To stop the goddamn car, and ask for directions.

(Sings.)

Maybe

Well, maybe

It’s just possible

(Speaks.)

But not if he turns the heat down so low that one of these days—what does
he
care?—my thumbs will fall off.

And not if I turn the heat up so high that one of these days—that’s what
he
says—his fillings will melt.

(Sings.)

Well, what the hell,

Even if we’re thermostatically and navigationally Incompatible

And even if I think we should call my father once a week, And he thinks we should call my father once a year, And even if I like a light in every room of the house, And he likes to light the whole house with one 60-watt bulb, And even if he says I play the music so low he can’t hear it,
And I say he plays it so loud that it’s wrecking my ear drums And soon will be giving me brain damage,

Maybe we’ll make it.

Maybe we’ll make it.

FORTUNE COOKIE

Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

H

HAPPINESS

JOSEPH ADDISON

“WEDLOCK’S AN ILL MEN EAGERLY EMBRACE,” 1711

English author Joseph Addison (1672–1719) was admired for his essays, poetry, and plays. He wasn’t nearly as successful at marriage, which he entered into in 1716 after courting the widowed Dowager Countess of Warwick for many years. The courtship had begun when Addison was tutoring her son, but—according to a biographical essay by Samuel Johnson—once married, she continued to treat Addison more as an employee than as an equal.

Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy, that are preceded by long courtship. The passion should strike root, and gather strength before marriage be grafted on it. A long course of hopes and expectations fixes the idea in our minds, and habituates us to a fondness of the person beloved.

There is nothing of so great importance to us as the good qualities of one to whom we join ourselves for life; they do not only make our present state agreeable, but often determine our happiness to all eternity.