The Mandates (17 page)

Don't sweat the small gay stuff, and it's all
small, gay stuff.
All romantic relationships are tough at times, but gay guys face challenges that elude our straight brethren. Looks and sex appeal still rule, and the most critical judges of gay men are gay men themselves. Despite the progress in gay civil rights, we still live and love in a world where gay relationships are often scorned, dismissed, and, in some places, illegal. There's not only an acceptance of gay men staying young and boyish, you could almost argue that there's an unspoken “Peter Pan” conspiracy for us to stay single with our dating options open.

Eric, a twenty-nine-year-old Web designer, described
his budding relationship as “really healthy, until a bunch
of meaningless crap obsesses me. [My partner] Sean and I
are so happy together, but then I watch some gay TV
show like
Queer as Folk,
and all of a sudden, I get swept
away by the focus on drinking, drugging, tricking,
fashion, and bitchiness. I wonder what I'm missing.”

Despite the growing number of gay couples and families, a predominant hedonistic streak within the gay male community sometimes seems at odds with a more settled gay relationship. A healthy gay partnership can be a triumphant defeat of those unsupportive forces.

 

 

1
Sorry to have to spell this out, but gay men seem to have a hard time understanding what “single” means. “Truly, honestly single” means that he meets the
following criteria:

• He's not living with a man with whom he is sleeping in any sexual way
whatsoever. No, the Bill Clinton definition of “sexual relations” does not
count.

• His “ex” was informed that they have, in fact, broken up. A letter sitting
on the desk waiting to be sent does not count. A well-intended plan to
tell the ex soon does not count, either.

• Though chances are he's dating other people, he isn't in a monogamous
agreement of any sort with anyone, anywhere.

• In case he's cohabiting in an open relationship, he doesn't consider himself to be seriously dating as he defines “serious.”

2
“Looks good on paper” refers to the puzzling phenomenon of smart,
physically attractive guys with good credentials such as education and employment who, for whatever reason, aren't attractive to you at all. You can
analyze to death the possible reasons for this as you rock back and forth
crying, “Why?” But you still won't want to jump their bones.

Epilogue

Hopefully, the commonsense guidelines and real-life examples in
The Mandates
will make dating more fun for you. That's the simple goal of this book. Have more fun with dating as you triumph over the surplus of options, target your best type, weed out losers earlier, and avoid preventable dating drama. If you wade through the different types of men, and the numerous places and ways to meet, you deserve to have more fun. In some cases, you should get a dating Purple Heart for bravery in the face of chaos, coffee dates, and cocktail conversation.

The good news of gay dating is that no one's forcing you down an aisle strewn with rainbow rose petals toward a cake with two grooms on top. Take advantage of the fact that we, as gay guys, don't have the same pressure to conform as our straight brethren. We don't live in a world as closeted as it was for gay men a generation or two ago. What you could call “bad” news is that you must know the expanded gay dating options so you can control them, instead of vice versa. Learn what you can expect from today's gay dating whirl and you'll be in a far better position to get what you want. Armed with information and the wealth of experience from gay dating “war” stories, you're much more likely to beat the odds and thrive on the frontlines.

About the Author

David Singleton is the author of articles on pop-culture and entertainment, such as game shows and “The Social Relevance of Barry Manilow.” He also co-founded the E-Zine,
E-Pop!,
devoted to pop-culture punditry with a satirical, personal take on pop-culture's people, places, and events.
E-pop!
published twenty-six issues from 1999–2000.

With a BA from the University of Virginia and an MBA/MA in marketing and journalism from New York University, Singleton has worked within the publishing industry for companies such as Time Warner, Scholastic, and Bantam Doubleday Dell for the last fourteen years.

An eleven-year resident of New York City, he now lives in the nation's capital with his partner, his (hopefully) last and (definitely) best date.

Copyright © 2004 by Dave Singleton

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Three Rivers Press, New York, New York.
Member of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of
Random House, Inc.

www.randomhouse.com

THREE RIVERS PRESS is a registered trademark and the Three Rivers
Press colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Singleton, Dave, 1961–
The mandates: 25 real rules for successful gay dating / by Dave
Singleton.—1st ed.
(pbk.)
1. Gay men—United States—Social conditions. 2. Gay men—United
States—Sexual behavior. 3. Dating (Social customs)—United States.
4. Etiquette for gay men—United States. 5. Gay male couples—
United States. I. Title.
HQ76.2.U5 S55 2004
646.7'7'08664—dc21 2003008793

www.randomhouse.com

eISBN: 978-0-307-42215-6

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