The Mandates (15 page)

PART VI

Competition! Managing the Inevitable Devil

(or what to do when it takes a village. . .to keep him hooked)

You are totally monogamous and want to keep the peace before either of you goes out and gets a piece. Or you are in an open relationship but you want to hold the cards and take out any jokers, princes, jacks, or wild cards (like the guy he meets on a business trip and decides he likes better). Or you are still at that interim stage where you are navigating the rocky waters of your relationship day to day, trying to keep it afloat, be a couple, make plans for the future, and yet not crowd that all-important male requirement—space. On a percentage basis, probably close to 80 percent of all gay male couples are in that “interim” phase mentally, if not historically or chronologically.

The male species has been fighting for individual space and the delineation of territory since Cain and Abel, so why pretend it won't happen, even if you are in the mushy phase of your relationship where you both walk on air? My advice in this stage is jump to earth before you get too high. It hurts when you're thrown to the ground.

For men subscribing to
The Mandates,
competition can enter into play early on in dating. That's why it's best to face it head-on and not be an ostrich, sticking your head in the sand as if it won't come up sometime soon. Just remember, ostriches have to come up for air eventually!

Here are some common situations in any gay dating relationship, and ways to deal with them effectively. They are enough to bring out the competitive jungle animal in any man.

PART VII

The Mandates
Role Models and Spiritual Advisers

ROLE MODELS

Finding good gay role models is hard. After all, it is only in the nineties that gay male characters in movies were allowed to live, let alone date. In the fifties, gay male characters were offered up as sacrifices in film after film. In the sixties, they were allowed to live and be bitchy and wear purple. In the seventies, they were second and third bananas, full of comic relief. And in the eighties, of course, they all died of AIDS.

Finding role models is tough for heterosexuals, too, these days. But finding good
The Mandates
role models is even tougher.

When you look at the influential worlds of movie characters, acting, politics, music, books, celebrity, business, sports, fashion, and history, whom do you admire for their solid
The Mandates
sensibilities?

Here's a list of some individuals and characters who stand out and make us proud to be followers of
The
Mandates:

Rupert Everett in
My
Best
Friend's
Wedding

Russell Crowe's incredible gay son in
The
Sum
of
Us

Simmering and smoldering fashion leader
and icon Tom Ford

Will from
Will
and
Grace

Christian Campbell's character in
Trick

Billy Bean, the “out and proud” former pro
baseball player

Alexander the Great

David on
Six
Feet
Under

But then there are those individuals and characters whose behavior makes
The Mandates
required reading:

The guys on
Queer
as
Folk

Nathan Lane's classic queen in
The
Birdcage

Gay writer Edmund White, whose trail of
sad memories surely earns him at least one
really great date

The entire cast of
The
Broken
Hearts
Club

Jack from
Will
and
Grace

All the tortured gay male characters in
Merchant Ivory films except Maurice

British writers Oscar Wilde, Joe Orton, and
Quentin Crisp

SPIRITUAL ADVISERS

Prayer is very much a part of the Mandates. Whom do you pray to for certain qualities? Just as some people pray to St. Christopher for travel safety, gay men need to pray to key individuals (mostly not saints, but there are exceptions). The following is the list of the Mandates' spiritual advisers and what aspect of life to focus on when praying to them:

Chad Everett,
the doctor from the 1970s television medical drama
Medical Center
for
health.
When you are not feeling well, who better than an awesomely handsome doctor with piercing blue eyes and a great tan to make it all better? (Youngsters unaware of Mr. Everett's powers may substitute George Clooney from the television show
ER.)

Elizabeth Taylor
for
hope
and
courage,
for if ever there was a “Mother Courage,” she's it, especially thanks to her AIDS charity work.

Doris Day
for
parking.
Did you ever notice that, in her television show in the early 1970s in which Doris drove to her office in downtown San Francisco every single day, the lucky bitch always managed to find a parking spot directly in front of her building?

Mary Haines
from the film
The Women
(played by Norma Shearer) for
longevity in troubled relationships.
She weathered the storms through infidelity, catty friends, and changing social mores. So can you!

Suze Orman
for
money
and
financial freedom.
There's nothing like a dame when it comes to making wise financial choices. Pray to Suze and listen for answers on how to curb frivolous spending!

Blanche Devereaux
(actress Rue McClanahan's character) from
The Golden Girls
for
beauty and sexualityas you age.

The ghost of Greta Garbo
for an
air of mystery,
so you are not as see-through as that tacky nylon disco shirt you thought you looked so hot in last weekend.

And especially in light of trying to find that perfect mate, you must always drop to your knees for the goddess and possible future saint
Cher—
you pray to Cher for any number of things but mostly for
relationships.
She understands.

She feels the same things you do. She is reflective about men (“Everything I know about men could fit on the head of a pin and you'd still have room for the Lord's Prayer.”) She feels lusty and full of bittersweet longing. Just look at her videos. She also keeps some perspective on love (“Men should be like Kleenex. Strong, soft, and disposable”).

That's why she is the patron saint of
The Mandates.
Since the sixties, Cher has amassed a song library that will speak to all your relationship needs. Just think of her songs. “Skin Deep” (with the immortal lyrics “I go skin deep. To the bone. SOS. I am in distress. Tonight”). “If I Could Turn Back Time.” “Take Me Home.” “I Found Someone.” “We All Sleep Alone.” “Strong Enough.” “Song for the Lonely.” And, of course, “Believe.” (“Do you believe in life after love?” Well, do you? She does.) Who else captures our particular zeitgeist as well?

Remember to think about Cher every day. Why? Because she's thinking about you.

PART VIII

Sixteen Great Things about
Not
Dating Someone of the Opposite Sex

Everyone knows all about the great reasons to date members of the opposite sex. Parental approval. Societal benefits such as elaborate wedding gifts and tax breaks. It's a hell of a lot easier to deal with your social life in a work setting.

But what about the reasons to be happy that fate has determined that you were meant to lead a life of “his and his” towels in the bathroom?

You don't have to call him even if you say you will because, deep down, he understands that male thing about not calling when you say you will.

There is less concern about sex on the first date and whether he'll respect you in the morning. “Will you respect each other?” is the question. More likely you won't even remember to respect each other in the morning until the next afternoon, by which time you are both—separately—well into your day.

No biological clocks ticking in the background of your relationship. (Added bonus: if you are both over thirty, you'll get to experience “gay menopause,” the male version of the biological clock, during which you feel just fine, but suddenly all the other gay men around you start treating you as if you were old.)

You don't have to pretend that you would never fantasize about something else during sex for fear of hurting her feelings.

Chances are you don't have to face her father and ask for her hand in marriage.

You get out of having to deal with PMS. (Chances are your boyfriend's moodiness will be consistent rather than monthly.)

You might just get along fabulously with your mother-in-law.

The aforementioned possibility of sharing clothes and doubling your wardrobe.

No going into debt over engagement and wedding rings.

No birth control issues.

New laws in some states that let you share work health benefits.

If you want to get married, your only alternative is . . . Canada! (Or maybe New England.)

You can attend “men's issues” support meetings together.

The worry your parents had that you would grow up and marry a girl of a different religion just somehow fade into the background.

You probably won't have child support payments from a previous marriage. Therefore, more disposable income for you.

Sneaking into the bathroom for quickies is so much easier to pull off without attracting attention.

Of course, there are definite cons as well. The top ten cons you might face in same sex dating include:

You are twice as likely to be attracted to one of his friends when you double date.

You get home after a tough day at the office only to realize that you both want a wife . . . really bad.

Male egos. Enough said.

The risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD) is higher.

Men cheat more. In a national survey one thousand straight men married less than a year were asked, “Have you cheated more or less since getting married?” Ninety-eight percent answered “yes.” More or less, indeed.

Chances are you know his ex. Gay circles seem smaller.

The unattractive possibility that you'll show up at the same party wearing the same outfit, and the even more unattractive possibility that you share the same first name.

If he dishes you with his friends, his friends are probably a tougher crowd than hers would be.

Just try getting a hotel room with one bed when you travel to Italy or another country rich in religious oppression.

Finding out that, despite your hard-won, newfound self-esteem, you are still expected to like the following objectionable things:

Disco music in the morning

The color lavender

Rainbow beads, flags, posters, blankets,
clothes

The film
The
Women

Leather harnesses and whips as a fashion
statement

Staying out way too late and going to clubs
at 2 A.M.

Long, lingering close-ups of Barbra
Streisand in her films

Free weights

Ecstasy (no, not the spiritual kind)

Secondary smoke inundation

Getting judged constantly by how you look
and dress

Calling men girls' names

The kind of compulsive socializing Thoreau
called “vain and useless”