The Mandates (16 page)

PART IX

Male Partnership— Are You Ready? The Final Frontier beyond the Mandates

How does that song go? “Love and marriage, love and marriage, go together like the word ‘disparage.' ” Actually, it's “like a horse and carriage.” But it will be “disparage” unless you watch your step.

Somewhere in between the extremes of the first date and chairing the National Freedom to Marry Coalition, there's a wide array of partnership options to consider. It's fantastic when you find a man who is interested in the same level of dating as you. But it also raises a whole new series of questions. How do you spend your time together? How do you share once-sacred and -solo areas of your life such as your bank account? What do you go through as you say good-bye to being single? What are the negotiable versus non-negotiable essential qualities you want in a mate? What's the difference between cold feet and real doubt? Does he support you in finding your own interests? And, if you ever did get married, would you ever agree to love, honor, and . . . obey?! Doubtful.

TEN-QUESTION RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY TEST

Are you really right for each other? Do the signs indicate that he's best suited for life with a closeted Republican? Or is his match a rainbow-bead-wearing circuit boy? Take this relationship compatibility test with the man you're dating seriously. Compare results. Will you be surprised?

My idea of a perfect weekend:

Going out after a long week at work, partying at gay
clubs nonstop.

Not moving from my couch potato perch, surrounded
by food, videos, and magazines.

Spending time at the gym, going to the movies, and
seeing friends, but making sure my partner and I have
time alone together.

Sitting in m4m sex chat rooms and surfing porn sites,
seeing what I can get free.

How often do you expect sex?

Daily, otherwise I am a neurotic mess prone to cheat.

I don't care. Unless it's a special occasion, I'd rather
read
Vanity Fair.

It isn't the number of times, it's the quality and the
connection that matters.

Just from myself, or do I include my partner?

How important is fidelity to you?

As long as my partner comes home to me and
doesn't embarrass us, I don't care what he
does.

If he cheats on me, I'll take him down!

It matters a lot; it reflects the commitment and respect
we share.

It's right up there with watching hockey on TV and
wearing open-toed shoes.

How do you resolve differences?

I'm always right. He should know that by now.

I avoid conflict at all costs by calling 1–800–therapist,
and letting the operator deal with him.

We talk them out, distill what's really important, then
figure how to compromise.

I pray to Ares, the Greek god of war, then head into
battle.

How do you feel about getting older?

I'm planning more plastic surgery than Siegfried and
Roy combined.

I'm increasingly depressed about it. But with a regular
combination of Prozac and Botox, my doctor says I'll be
able to look as numb as I feel.

I'll keep up gym visits, healthy eating, and limit intake
of any harmful substances in order to look good, but
hopefully I'll have a sense of humor, too. It happens to
the best of us, if we're lucky.

Who? Me? I am not going to get older.

What's the worst thing you can imagine
your partner doing?

Cheating on me.

Spending money from our joint account without telling
me.

Letting himself go physically and mentally.

Bringing home strays, and I don't mean dogs or cats.

Do you want to start a family?

My circuit party family is all I ever need. Can't wait for
the White Party family reunion in Miami!

I dislike taking care of kids and wouldn't want my own.

I still want a daddy; I don't want to be a daddy.

I can't imagine not having a child, especially now that
it's easier for gays to adopt.

How important is it for you and your
partner to be “out”?

Being out is totally overrated. It's not worth the risks.

Very! I want our house so full of rainbow flags, you'll
think you landed at a
Wizard of Oz
fan convention.

I want my partner and me to be equally open with
family and friends. Secrets and hiding are damaging to
the relationship.

I want us to be out, but not too out. But I also want us
to be in, but not too in. In other words, I waver and
need someone who either shares or accepts my
vacillation.

How important is it that you and your
partner share the same religious views?

Not important at all, since I have none.

Very important. He has to hate the Catholic Church as
much as I do.

We don't have to agree, but it's important that we
respect and support each other's beliefs.

I want him on his knees every Sunday morning!

How do you feel about sharing money,
such as joint bank accounts, stocks, and
mortgages?

What's mine is his.

He's not getting his grubby hands on one hard-earned
penny unless I dole it out to him.

It's okay with me as long as we share the same financial
goals and behavior. For example, sharing a fund
toward buying a house is fine, but I wouldn't want
a joint account for incidentals. He's a compulsive
shopper.

I'd rather just split everything with him fifty-fifty and
keep our accounts separate.

Before making a major commitment talk about everything—money, sex, children, career, religion, degree of outness, pets, friends, and hobbies. Find out everything you can about a mate. It is common when you start dating someone to get to know each other's stories, but it takes more probing questions to avoid blind spots about the most important matters.

For example, don't stand there with a frozen look on your face when he comes home carrying a kitten, when you are allergic to cats. If you thought living together meant you'd have dinner together every night at 7 P.M. and he consistently parties after work with friends and colleagues, you need to address it sooner rather than later. And if you can't stand the thought of ever sharing a bank account, tell him before he comes home with “his and his” checks.

Most important, learn from your own experiences on the frontlines of gay dating. It's not the mistakes you make that damage you so much as the mistakes you make twice.

If you decide you are ready for one of the biggest steps you can take with another man, the public affirmation of your partnership, you need to review the laws on same sex partnership in your neck of the woods. You'll want to review your state's laws as well as familiarize yourself with pending national legislation similar to the recent Same Sex Marriage Act. Commitment ceremonies can range from more traditional religious ceremonies that mirror a straight wedding, to simple celebrations with a few close friends and family. It's important to note that, no matter how important a commitment ceremony might be to you, such ceremonies still don't offer much in the way of legal protection. In the eyes of the state and federal government, you as a couple have no extra rights. For example, the newspapers are full of stories of gay partners who were unable to visit their loved ones in the hospital, or who lost their home because the partners' wishes weren't covered in a will. For more legal protection, until legal gay marriages exist in our country, you still need to register as domestic partners where you can, create and update airtight wills, and make sure your family of origin knows, in writing, your intentions with your home and estate. To the eternal dismay of all gay men, it ain't over once you've registered at Bergdorf Goodman and Tiffany.

Web sites like
Gayweddings.com
provide a ton of basic information about how to plan for both the legal aspects of a partnership and the practical aspects of a commitment ceremony, should you choose to have one. Support the gay community while you bask in the glow of love amid your nearest and dearest. It's not just a political statement or supportive to hire gay caterers and vendors. It's sound judgment. Can you imagine any group more suited to handle flowers, food, and décor?

A little bit of
The Mandates
should stay with you even after you've celebrated your fifth-year anniversary. It's harder to keep the flames of passion roaring once you are taking out the trash together, taking turns scrubbing the bathroom, and jointly paying bills. Here are a few ways to keep the flames burning:

Don't let frustrations build up.
Fighting big about little things can be good. It's the repeated, small aggravations that are bad. A wise man once said that a single blow does not fell relationships. Most are clubbed to death with soft rubber mallets, beating away at the little things.

Jeremy and Keith, from Orlando, have survived Keith's
testicular cancer, the rejection of Jeremy's parents once
they found out he was gay, and the death of two close
friends. Overcoming these difficulties bonded them, but
when it comes to cleaning the kitchen, they remain in an
ongoing war that's lasted eight years. Jeremy's an anal-retentiveneatnik. Keith wants to retain his independent
and arbitrary clean-up schedule. The arguments
progressed to the point that they were damaging the
relationship, so they decided to focus on the major issues
surrounding what seemed like a simple compromise.
Jeremy faced the critical parenting that had turned him
into a judgmental perfectionist. Keith examined his
rebellious, stubborn streak that stemmed from being stifled
by his conservative, overbearing upbringing. Today, their
relationship is better than ever because they took the time
to figure out why they fought so hard over dirty dishes in
the sink and spilled drinks on the countertops.

Maintain your private space.
As insignificant as it seems when you are so over the moon and can't get enough of your partner, maintaining private space once you're living together matters. Sell off stock, pawn collectibles, or take a second job! Do whatever you have to do to always have your own bathroom once you're together 24/7. Get two televisions if there's going to be conflict over who's watching what when. Respect private time when he wants to read or just be quiet. These elements were cited by the majority of couples interviewed for this book as keys to successful cohabitation.

Patience.
As my friend Joe once said as he faced a budding relationship with a man who vacillated between wanting committed partnership and freewheeling, party-boy freedom, “A gay relationship has more hurdles than a track meet.” Those hurdles include fear, shame, self-esteem, need for independence, same sex competition, and the shortage of older, coupled gay role models to show us the way. Patience in a gay relationship means understanding the common issues gay men face as we transition from dating to a more serious partnership.

Make time for each other.
There's no way that the urgency to see each other that you had when you first met will remain. It may reappear on occasion, but chances are you'll take each other for granted given the work and personal demands of life. It's just human nature. So guard against its happening. The fitness experts tell you to schedule your workouts as you would a required meeting for work. The same is true for a relationship. Schedule a recurring date night with each other, one that can only be broken for emergencies.

Don't take each other for granted.
You will hear some of his stories over and over, as he will yours. It's easy to think you know everything there is to know about him, but you don't. Tom and Al have been dating for two years and were getting concerned that they were finishing each other's sentences and turning into their worst nightmare—a bored and boring, old married couple. Their fears subsided when Tom noticed that, at every party they attended or gave, he learned something new about Al. Someone would ask Al a question or a topic would arise, and new information, opinions, and observations poured forth. Just the knowledge that there's always more to be learned has helped Tom and Al avoid the fear of boredom in a relationship.

News flash! You won't always agree.
In the initial blush of romance, you spend times counting all the things you have in common with your new crush. You then recount them to your friends with a gush of energy. It's important to have that checklist of desirable traits you want in a mate. And it's only natural to run down the list, checking off the positive matches one by one, to reassure yourself that you are making a sound choice. But, just prepare now for the moment when there's a disconnect. You will not agree on everything with your mate. It's an unrealistic expectation that you should shed as soon as possible, to save you time and grief. Disagreeing doesn't make either of you bad, nor does it mean your relationship is built on sand. You have to decide those “deal breakers” that you need to agree on, such as fidelity or money, and then just agree to disagree on the rest.

Peter and Neil are a good example. They've been
together three years and living together one. “Neil and I
have completely different political views and music tastes,”
Peter, a sales executive in Maryland, told me. “Neil is a
relaxed moderate and I am a hothead liberal. He likes
classical music. I like the popular dance stuff. Neil stiffens
up like a cornered cat if he hears Madonna or the Pet
Shop Boys. Opera makes me semisuicidal. But on a day-to-day basis, I have never been happier with anyone. We
have a wonderful life together, love each other in ways no
one even knows, and enjoy people, travel, and working
on our home. So we bought his-and-his headphones and
we save heavy-handed political discussion for when we're
out with friends.”