The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (84 page)

Eventually the gorilla finished and climbed off. “Right, I’m going to kill you!” the rhino screamed and started running after the gorilla.

The gorilla was yelling, “We’ve been best mates for years and we shouldn’t let a trivial thing like this come between us!” The rhino, however, was having none of it and he was slowly catching up. The gorilla ran into a camp, where an explorer was sitting in a chair reading the newspaper. He ran off to the north but he couldn’t get past the cliffs, so he ran back to the camp. He ran east but he couldn’t get past the river, so he ran back to the camp. He ran west but he couldn’t get through the undergrowth, so he ran back to the camp. Therefore he broke the explorer’s neck, grabbed his clothes and newspaper, threw the explorer over the trees, sat down and started to read.

Soon afterwards the rhino charged into the camp. He ran off to the north, but couldn’t find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the east, but couldn’t find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp. He ran off to the west, but couldn’t find the gorilla so he ran back into the camp.

“Excuse me,” he said, “but have you seen a gorilla?”

The gorilla, still hiding behind the newspaper, asked, “What, the one that buggered a rhino down by the watering hole?”

“Fuck me!” says the rhino. “Don’t tell me it’s in the papers already.”

What’s black and knocks on the window?

A goth in a microwave.

What do you call a goth lying in the road?

A speed bump.

What do you get if you cross a goth with a toilet?

The Cisterns of Mercy.

Two gothis are walking down the road. One says “I just bought the new Love Like Blood CD.”

The other replies, “Fuck me, a talking goth!”

How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

They say laughter is the best medicine. I’m not sure about that. My grandad is suffering from Alzheimer’s and we have been laughing at him for years but he hasn’t got any better.

Little Johnny went to see his grandad. “Grandad, could you please do a frog impression?”

Grandad, a little confused, replied, “Excuse me?” Johnny said again, “Grandad, can you make the sound of a frog?”

Grandad said, “Of course I can, but why?”

Little Johnny said, “Good, because mummy said that, just as soon as you croak, we can all fuck off to Disneyland!”

My grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. The judge told him.

We cleared out my grandmother’s house this morning. We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, took the rest down to charity shop, then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market. I’d love to see her face when she gets back from bingo.