The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (54 page)

A husband and wife had just fnished having sex, when she says to her man: “I’ve never told you this before, but you make love like you decorate.”

He replies: “You mean slowly, with smooth strokes and a professional fnish?”

“No, more like the council. You just bang it up, leave a fucking mess and I have to fnish the job myself.”

A man goes to the doctor’s complaining about a pain in his backside. The doctor instructs him to remove his clothes and hop on the bed.

“My God!” says the doctor, pulling a lettuce leaf from the man’s arse.

“Tell me the worse doc, how serious is this?”

The doctor looks up with a worried expression on his face and says grimly: “I’m afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg.”

A women walks into a doctor’s with badly grazed knees. The doctor says: “How did you do this?”

The women replies, “Oh, you know, just having the usual sex, doggie style”.

“Do you know any other positions apart from doggie style?” asks the doctor.

“Yes,” the women replies. “But my dog doesn’t.”

A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling really ill. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, “I have some bad news. You have HAGS.”

“What the hell is HAGS?” the patient asks.

“It’s herpes, AIDS, gonorrhoea and swine fu,” replies the doctor.

“Christ!” says the man. “What happens next?”

“We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes, fapjacks and pizza.”

“Is that going to cure me?”

“No, you’re going to die,” says the doctor. “But it’s the only food we know of that we can slide under the door”.

I went to see the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I’d suffered any memory loss. I replied, “How the fuck would I know?”

A man goes into see his doctor and says, “Every time I see a lorry, I get a hard-on.”

The doctor laughis. “I don’t believe you. Show me.”

So the man walks over to the window and after a lorry passes by, he pulls his trousers down to reveal a huge erection. The doctor says, “I still don’t believe it. Do it again.” So the man goes over to the window, another lorry goes by and sure enough he gets another erection.

“This isn’t possible,” says the doctor, scratching his head. “Give me a blood sample and come back in a couple of weeks time.”

Two weeks later the man returns to the doctor. “Sit down, I have some bad news for you. It appears that you are HGV positive.”

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor fnishes his examination and tells the man, “I have some bad news. Your situation is very bleak. I estimate you only have about two weeks left to live.”

The man is deeply shocked. He asks the doctor, “Is there is anything I can do?”

The doctor thinks for a while. “Tell you what, there is one thing that you could try.”

“Just name it, doctor, I’ll do whatever it takes.”

The doctor replies: “Take a lot of mud bathis, at least two or three a day.”

“Will that help my condition?”

The doctor says, “No. But it will get you used to the idea of being covered in dirt.”

An attractive young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor examined the baby and asked her, “Is he breast fed or bottle fed?”

“Breast fed,” replied the woman.

“Strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.

He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple. Finally he remarked, “No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don’t have any milk!”

“That’s correct,” said the woman. “This is my sister’s child.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea,” the doctor blurted. “You really shouldn’t have come.”

“I didn’t,” replied the woman, “until you started sucking my right nipple.”

“Doctor, I have a strawberry stuck up my arse.” “Don’t worry. I’ve got some cream for that.”