The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (25 page)

Because he saw the zebra crossing.

I went home and caught the plumber with his dick up the dog’s arse! I can’t believe the police won’t do anything! It turns out the cunt is Corgi registered.

If the dog’s tail is still wagging, can you really call it rape?

Why don’t cockerels have hands?

Because chickens don’t have tits.

What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt.

What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with an owl?

A prick that stays up all night.

Animal rights activists claim that cutting a chicken’s head off is cruel because it still runs around in pain. Not if you cut its legs off first.

What should you do if a bird craps on your car?

Don’t take her out again.

The mating call of a robin: “Tweet tweet chirrup.”

The mating call of an owl: “A twit to woo. A twit to woo.”

The mating call of a blackbird: “Stick it up my ass Winston.”

A coach driver is transporting a group of blind children back from a school trip. It is a hot summer’s day and he decides to stop for a break at a country inn. As the blind children get out of the coach he notices them carrying a football.

“How are you going to play football?” he enquires.

“We’ve got a special football with a bell in it,” says one of the boys. “Go and have a drink, we’ll be fine!”

So the driver goes into the pub, gets himself a drink, and sits down to read the newspaper. About half an hour later a police officer enters the inn.

“Who’s in charge of those blind kids outside?” asks the officer.

“I am, officer. Is there a problem?”

“I should say so, sir. They have just kicked a Morris dancer to death.”

Two neighbours are out walking their dogs. One, a German shepherd owner, says, “Fancy a pint?”