The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (49 page)

A house brick.

I went to the dentist and he said, “Say Aaah.”

I said, “Why?’”

He said, “My dog’s died.”

A man goes to the dentist’s for an examination. The dentist tells him: “This tooth on the lower right has to come out. I’m going to give you a local anaesthetic and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The man grabs the dentist’s arm, “Please. I hate needles. I’m not having any injection.”

“Okay,” says the dentist. “We’ll have to go with the gas.”

The man replies, “Please. No gas. It makes me really sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “Here,” he says. “Take this pill.”

The man asks, “What is it?”

The dentist replies, “Viagra.”

The man looks surprised, “Will that kill the pain?” he asks.

“No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.”

What do you get when you have thirty-two Glaswegians in a room?

A full set of teeth.

A man goes to his dentist for a regular check-up. After the dentist has had a look at the man’s mouth he says, “Hmm. Been licking your wife’s fanny recently?”

The man looks up in horror and replies: “Oh, God, how embarrassing. Yes, I have. Er, why? Have I got pubes between my teeth?”

“Not at all,” the dentist replies. “But you have got shit in your nostrils.”

Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

A plane carrying some Christian missionaries crash lands in the middle of the south Atlantic ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote, barren island. Stranded alone with no expectation of rescue, the three are unable to resist sexual temptation.

Three months later, however, the nun is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and she kills herself.

Six months later, the two priests also have a crisis of conscience and realize they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing. So they bury the nun.

A black guy is marooned on a desert island. He finds a lamp on the beach one day, thinking it might be worth a bit if it was cleaned up. He gives it a rub. Poof – out pops a genie! “For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie.

The guy panics, and says the first thing to pop into his head.

“Give me an ice cream!”

Poof – an ice-cream stand appears with his name on it. A bit stunned, he sits there for a while eating his ice cream, thinking long and hard before making his final two wishes. Finally he turns to the genie and says . . .

“I want to be white and surrounded by women!”

Poof – he turns into a tampon.

A plane travelling from London to Sydney is suddenly hit by a severe engine problem and plummets into the Indian Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart, leaving only one male survivor. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself on to the shore. Although he is half drowned he can’t help but admire the beauty of the island he finds himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the sand, another survivor from the crash! He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs and splutters into life. To his amazement he see that it is Kylie Minogue!

Deeply grateful to him for saving her life, Kylie and the stranger form an immediate bond and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new-found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a melancholy look on his face. She wanders over to him.

“What’s wrong, love?” says Kylie.

“Kylie,” he says, “the last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We’ve found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we need and I have you, but still I can’t help feeling there’s something missing.”

“What, my darling?” says Kylie. “What do you need? I’ll do anything.”

“Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt and my trousers?”

“Okay, if that’s what you want,” says Kylie.

“Okay. Now, would you mind walking around the island, and I’ll set off in the other direction and meet you on the beach half-way?”

“Okay, my love, whatever will make you happy,” says Kylie.

So they set off in opposite directions. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach. He breaks into a run, goes up to her and grabs her by the shoulders and says: “Fucking hell mate, you’ll never guess who I’m shagging!”