The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (48 page)

The chemist looks at the customer’s penis and the fiver, then unzips his trousers and does the same as the deaf mute. Then he picks up both fivers and stuffs them in his pocket. Baffled and angry, the deaf mute curses the chemist wildly in sign language and storms out of the shop.

Meanwhile another customer has been looking on, completely bemused. “That was a bit harsh, wasn’t it?” he says to the chemist.

“Look,” the chemist replies, “if he couldn’t afford to lose, he shouldn’t have been betting.”

A man was sitting in a pub and noticed a group of people using sign language. He was also intrigued to note that the barman was using sign language to speak to them. When the barman served him next, the man asked how he had learned to sign. The barman explained that these were regular customers and he picked it up from them.

The man thought that this was highly commendable. A few minutes later, however, the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The barman looked over and signed to them, then shouted, “I warned you about that. Now fuck off out!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The customer was taken aback and asked what had just taken place.

“If I told them once I told them 100 times,” replied the barman. “NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

Why didn’t the deaf girl scream when she fell off the cliff? Because she was wearing mittens.

A mute was walking down the street one day when he came across a mute friend. He used sign language to greet his friend and ask how he had been doing. “Oh, enough of that hand-waving shit,” replied his friend. “I can talk now.”

Amazed, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that his friend had been to see a specialist, who, upon finding no physical damage to his vocal cords, had put him on a treatment programme that had restored the use of his voice. Gesturing enthusiastically, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist and they got an appointment that very afternoon.

After a thorough physical examination, the specialist told him that, indeed, he could find no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his friend, and there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.

“Yes, yes,” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”

“Very well,” replied the specialist. “Please go into the next room, drop your trousers and pants and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.”

The mute did as instructed and the doctor sneaked in with a broomstick, a mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he rammed it home with a couple of deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumped from the table, screaming, “AAAaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa!!!”

“Very good,” smiled the doctor. “Next week, we move on to ‘B’.”

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

You can say what you like about deaf people . . .

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her knickers and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynaecologist.”

“I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

What’s worse than having your doctor tell you that you have gonorrhoea?

Getting the news from your dentist.

A Scotsman phoned a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

“£85 for an extraction, sir,” the dentist replied.

“£85? You’re joking, mon. Have ye nae got anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal tariff, sir,” replied the dentist.

“I know; what aboot if ye did’nae use any anaesthetic?” enquired the Scot.

“That would be highly unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 off.”

“What aboot if yon dental nurse did the extraction instead of you and still wi’ nae anaesthetic?”

“Well, I can’t guarantee the standard of professionalism and it would be very painful. But yes, the price could drop by £20.”

“Och, now you’re talking laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scot. “Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday, then?”

What’s red and very bad for your teeth?