The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (23 page)

The shock of seeing four Scousers working.

What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.

What would it take to re-unite The Beatles?

Two bullets.

Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon?

Yoko ducked.

What was tall and thin and came in a yellow bag?

John Lennon.

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: “Please come and bury my wife.”

“But I buried your wife ten years ago,” replied the undertaker.

“I got married again,” the man sobbed.

“I didn’t know,” said the undertaker. “Congratulations.”

“
My uncle died the other day after drinking a botle of varnish. The doctors said it was a terrible end, but a lovely finish.
”

Sid won a ticket in a raffle to go to the FA Cup Final at Wembley. When he gets inside the stadium he realizes that the seat is quite low down at pitch level, right behind a bank of photographers restricting his view. About five minutes into the game, however, he spots an empty seat about ten rows up right on the half-way line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

“No. help yourself,” he replied.

“This is incredible!” said Sid. “I wonder, who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the FA Cup Final and not use it?”

The man replies, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, I’m really sorry to hear that,” says Sid, “but all the same, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

A well-dressed young man is sitting alone in a bar, staring grimly into his drink. “Is there anything wrong?” asks the barman.

“Well, three months ago my grandfather died and left me £100,000,” replies the young man.

“That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” says the barman.

“Yeah,” said the young man, “but then two months ago an uncle on my mother’s side died. He left me £95,000. And only last month an aunt passed away, leaving me her house.”

“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asks the barman.

The young guy takes a swig of his drink and replies, “This month, so far, fuck all.”

I’ve noticed that whenever someone dies of cancer, people always say, “They died after a long battle with cancer.” My wife passed away last week. She died after a short battle with a number 22 bus.