The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (12 page)

Two Mennonite.

A little girl wakes up from surgery in hospital, having survived stepping on a land mine. She screams: “Doctor, something is wrong . . . I can’t feel my legs!”

“That’s quite normal,” said the doctor, “we’ve had to amputate both your arms.”

A bus hit my brother and he had both of his legs amputated. Now he’s my half-brother.

A gang of amputees robbed a bank. The police say they are stumped.

If you ever saw an amputee being hanged, could you suppress the urge to shout out letters?

I joined a fisting club last month. It has really widened the circle of my friends.

I shagged some bird up the arse last night. The poor thing hasn’t flown since.

I used to go out with an English-language teacher but she dumped me.

A man complains to his doctor: “I’ve been banging the wife for so long and so often that she’s rather big and loose. Is there anything you can suggest?”

“Well,” says the doctor, a little awkwardly, “it’s a bit of a taboo subject frankly, but have you thought about taking her up the other hole?”

“What?” the man replies. “And risk getting her pregnant?”

Ulrika Jonsson has been rushed to hospital after accidentally sitting on her mobile phone. Doctors are not too worried. Apparently it isn’t the first time she’s had an Ericsson up her arse.

My girlfriend likes it doggy style. It’s great because she fetches my paper and slippers afterwards.

What do a nine-volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?