The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (8 page)

“Sadly, no,” replies the doctor. “But it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for.”

What do you call a homosexual who doesn’t have AIDS?

A lucky cocksucker.

A man is sitting in the airport departure lounge when a gorgeous young girl in a stewardess uniform parks herself next to him. She’s so stunning that he tries to overcome his natural shyness and seize the moment with a witty and original chat-up line. He’s struggling for something to say, then it occurs to him that she might work for British Airways. He taps her on the shoulder and, quoting the BA slogan, says to her: “We take good care of you.” The girl just gives him a strange sideways look.

“Shit, I’ve blown it,” he thinks to himself. “Hang on, maybe she is with Air France.” So he says to her: “So, we get you there faster.” This time she glares at him.

“Bugger, wrong again. Maybe she works for American Airlines.” He turns to her again and says, “So, luxury is our middle name in the skies?”

The girl turns to him and says, “Listen, mate, why don’t you just fuck off.”

“Ah, now I get it,” says the man. “You’re with Ryannair.”

Bob is sitting in the VIP lounge of Virgin Airways when he sees Richard Branson walk past. Bob walks up to him and says: “I don’t believe it! Richard Branson . . . I’m your biggest fan!” Flattered, the billionaire businessman shakes his hand warmly.

“Would you mind if I asked a small favour? I’m meeting an important client in a few minutes,” says Bob. “Could you just pass by and say hello? It would really impress my client if he thought I knew you.”

Being a friendly and approachable sort of guy, Mr Branson agrees to this harmless request and a few minutes later he spots Bob deep in conversation with his client. He walks over, taps Bob on the shoulder, and says, “Hi, Bob. How are you doing?”

Bob turns round and says, “Fuck off, Branson, you cunt, can’t you see I’m busy?”

One day at a busy airport terminal the passengers on a commercial airliner are sitting on the plane waiting for the crew to arrive so that they can get on their way. Finally the pilot and the co-pilot make their way out of the terminal and begin walking across the tarmac towards the plane. Everyone notices that both pilot and co-pilot are clutching white sticks and wearing dark glasses. Both of them only narrowly avoid being hit by a shuttle bus on the runway. The passengers laugh uneasily at the joke as the “blind” crew pair climb the stairway and feel their way to the cockpit.

After a few minutes, the engines power up and the aircraft begins to move down the runway. Suddenly the plane accelerates rapidly and panic sets in. Some passengers start praying while others get down on the floor. As the plane speeds closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical until finally, when the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left to go everyone screams at once and at the very last moment the nose begins to lift and the plane takes off into the sky.

In the cockpit the co-pilot breathes a huge sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: “You know,” he says, “one of these days those fuckers back there aren’t going to scream and we’re all going to get killed.”

A rock star is on a flight to London, drinking too much and being generally loud and obnoxious. He gets up to use the toilet but finds them all engaged. He grabs hold of a stewardess and says: “If I don’t get to use the toilet in the next two minutes I’m going to sue your ass and the whole of your motherfucking airline!”

The hostess replies “Okay, please calm down, sir. You can use the staff toilet at the front of the plane. But please don’t press any of the three buttons.”

So the rock star agrees, staggers off down the aisle into the staff toilet at the front of the plane and sits down to do his business. He sees three buttons in front of him, marked WW, WA and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly warm water sprays up his bum.

“Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good”. So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his bum. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button. The next thing he knows he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room.

“Nurse! Nurse! Where am I? What happened?”

The nurse replies: “Well, apparently you were on a plane and a stewardess told you not to press any of the buttons, but you pressed the ATR button.”

“What does ATR mean exactly?”

“Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

A Muslim was sitting next to an Aussie on a flight from Singapore bound for Sydney, Australia. When the plane was airborne, the stewardesses took orders for drinks. The Aussie said: “I’ll have a Scotch on the rocks, please.” The drink was brought and placed before him. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied: “I would rather be raped by a dozen infidel whores and have my head stuffed up a sheep’s arsehole than let alcohol touch my lips.”

The Aussie handed his drink back to the stewardess and said, “Sorry, darling, I didn’t realize there was a choice.”

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”