The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (16 page)

A Bangladeshi called Abdul was bragging that in his country there were seventy-nine different ways to make mad passionate love. An Englishman listened intently, then said: “Why, that’s amazing. Where I come from there’s only one way.”

“Just one?” Abdul asked. “And which way is that?”

“Well there’s a man and there’s a woman . . .”

“Praise Allah!!” shouted Abdul. “Number eighty!”

Why are camels known as ships of the desert?

Because they are full of Arab semen.

Two Arabs board a fight out of London. One takes a window seat and the other sits next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sits down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the rabbi kicks his shoes off and is settling in when the Arab in the window seat says, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”

“Don’t get up,” says the rabbi, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.” As soon as he leaves, one of the Arabs picks up the rabbi’s shoe and spits in it.

When the rabbi returns with the Coke, the other Arab says, “That looks good, I’d like one as well.” Again, the rabbi offers to go to fetch it. While he is gone the other Arab picks up the rabbi’s other shoe and spits in it.

When the rabbi returns they all sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight. As the plane is landing, the rabbi slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately that they are full of phlegm. He leans over and says to his Arab neighbours, “Gentlemen, why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations! This hatred! This animosity! This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”

An Australian bloke is walking though the bush when he comes across an isolated homestead with a girl standing by the gate. “G’day,” says the Aussie. “Fancy a fuck?”

“Not really,” replies the girl. “But you’ve talked me into it, you silver-tongued bastard.”

How many Aborigines does it take to eat a dead kangaroo?

Five. One to do the eating and four to stop the traffic.

Why do Australians call their beer XXXX?

Because they can’t spell PISS.

An Englishman walks into an Aussie bar in the outback and orders a white wine. Suddenly a deathly silence descends as everyone turns to look at the stranger. The barman says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya . . . where ya from, mate?”

The man says, “I’m from Sussex, England.”

The barman asks, “What the hell you do in Sussex, mate?”

The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The barman asks, “A taxidermist . . . now just what the hell is a taxidermist?”

He says, “I mount animals.”

The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay, boys, he’s one of us!”

What’s the definition of Australian aristocracy?

An Aussie who can trace his lineage back to his father.

What’s an Australians idea of foreplay?

What’s a Tasmanian’s idea of foreplay?