The Magykal Papers (25 page)

S
TANLEY
: M
Y
L
IFE—A
R
AT’S
R
AMBLINGS

I
WILL BE BRIEF
. Or as brief as possible. I was born to a wonderful old Castle rat family, who had a proud history of employment in the Message Rat Service. My father, bless his dear memory, worked in the Rat Office for all his life, and my dear old ma used to receive the basket of messages at the top of the Tower. Ah, those were the days. It was therefore only natural that I, Stanley, their pride and joy, should go into the Service—as it was known in the family.

I had not been long in the Service when I met my future wife, Dawnie, one summer’s evening at my favorite rubbish bin. She emerged with gravy all over her nose and I was (unfortunately, as it turned out) smitten.

At Dawnie’s insistence, we set up house together next door to her mother. The arrangement was not entirely successful. Dawnie’s mother told my dear old ma, who was not well at the time, that she did not consider me good enough for her daughter. Not good, I hear you say—and how right you are.

The crisis point in my marriage came when I was kidnapped—or ratnapped—by Mad Jack. It was a nightmare. I was away for more than two months, and Dawnie’s mother told her that I had done this deliberately to spite them. Well, I can think of much more pleasant things to do to spite someone than that.

My homecoming to the Castle was not good. After all I had been through, I was expecting a hero’s welcome, but it was not to be. Dawnie had left and gone to live with her sister, Mabel. I was interrogated by the Rat Office and thrown into a disgusting little cage under the floor.

After I was released from imprisonment I spent some time recovering in the North Gate gatehouse under the care of the delightful Lucy Gringe. Not unnaturally, I am sure you will agree, I decided that I had had enough of the Message Rat Service.

Then one day, by the very same rubbish bin where I had first met Dawnie, I was approached by a shifty-looking rat and asked if I would like to join the Secret Rat Service. I accepted at once. It was my dream job.

My first Mission was one that I will never forget. I was dispatched to find the kidnapped Princess and return her to the Castle! How many rats have had that kind of responsibility entrusted to them? Not many, I can tell you. Those who know me well will know that I do not like to blow my own trumpet, but as a matter of record I have to say that I succeeded magnificently—there is no point pretending otherwise. Being a romantic at heart, I decided to try again with Dawnie.

Our reunion was not all it could have been. Dawnie’s mother came over for supper every night. But the main problem was the RatStranglers—a bunch of thugs running a campaign to rid the Castle of rats. I wanted to go to the Port, but Dawnie would not leave her mother. However, one morning we discovered that her mother had legged it overnight and left us behind—so at last Dawnie agreed to go.

But fate was against us—as we crept out we were spotted by the RatStranglers. It was a terrifying chase and we only narrowly escaped by grabbing on to a departing dragon’s tail.

It turned out that the dragon belonged to the Princess’s brother, whom I had met before. I move in interesting circles, actually, and it does help at times. We were offered a ride on the dragon to the Port, but it was on this trip that the scales fell from my eyes and I saw Dawnie’s true nature for the very first time. It was not a pretty sight and was the beginning of the end. Dawnie is now living in the Port near the pie shop. I hear she is even fatter.

But I am determined to be positive. Many good things have come out of this experience, and I am now considered to be, among other things, a friend of royalty. Sometimes I wonder what Dawnie would think of this, but deep down I know that Dawnie wouldn’t really care. She has no soul.

Recently I have adopted four orphan ratlets, whom I found on the Outside Path one night.

I have also restarted the Message Rat Service and am hoping to find some staff soon. All applicants welcome. Free interview. But the ratlets are growing fast and if I don’t find any staff, I will soon have some homegrown talent entering the Service. It will save on wages too.

All things work out in the end, don’t they?

RULES

1. A message
   MUST
   be delivered no matter what.
   
2. A message must
   ONLY
   be delivered to the identified recipient.
   
3. A Message Rat
   ALWAYS
   travels undetected.
   
4. A Message Rat
   NEVER
   makes himself known to strangers.
   
5. A Message Rat may
   NOT
   refuse an assignment.
   
6. Message Rats carry messages
   ONLY
   . No parcels.
   
7. ALL
   conversations in the Rat Office are Highly Confidential.
   

REMEMBER
:
N
OTHING
STOPS A
M
ESSAGE
R
AT
!

S
TANDARD
M
ESSAGE
F
ORM

to be used by ALL RATS

Await Command to speak. Wizards will use
Speeke
,
Rattus Rattus
. Non-Wizards use a variety of Commands, not all of them polite. But a Message Rat never answers back and never deviates from the Standard Message Form
(SMF)
.

SMF
IS
:

• First, I have to ask: Is there anyone here answering to the name of
  (INSERT NAME OF RECIPIENT)
  ?
  
• Following recipient identifying him or herself correctly, deliver message in SMF:
  
• I have come here to deliver a message to
  (INSERT NAME OF RECIPIENT)
  .
  
• The message is sent
  (INSERT DAY)
  at
  (INSERT TIME)
  from
  (INSERT NAME OF SENDER HERE AND, IF POSSIBLE, PLACE OF RESIDENCE)
  .
  
• Message begins:
  
• Deliver Message VERBATIM. A Message Rat does not paraphrase, gabble, abbreviate or censor. At end of message sign off with:
  
• Message ends.
  

REMEMBER
:
A
M
ESSAGE
R
AT
IS
PROFESSIONAL
AT
ALL TIMES.

Be proud of your Service.

Z
ONE
P
RICING

ZONE 1:
Inside the Castle wall

Outward Message only.….….….……1 penny

Outward Message and wait for reply
(MAXIMUM OF TEN MINUTES’ WAIT)
……2 pence

Next day Return Message….….….…. 3 pence

ZONE 2:
Immediately outside the Castle wall as far as lower Farmlands, Infirmary. Not the Forest.

Outward Message only.….….….……2 pence

Outward Message and wait for reply
(MAXIMUM OF TEN MINUTES’ WAIT)
……4 pence

Next day Return Message….….….…. 6 pence

ZONE 3:
The Port
(BY SCHEDULED PORT BARGE ONLY)
. Positively no stop-offs for the Marram Marshes.

Outward Message only.….….….….. 10 pence

Outward Message and wait for reply.
(MAXIMUM OF TEN MINUTES’ WAIT)
….….….……20 pence

Next day Return Message….….……. 30 pence

ZONES 4, 5, 6 AND 7:
The Forest, the Sheeplands, the Badlands, Marram Marshes.
No
night messages accepted.

Outward Message only.….….Price on application

Outward Message and wait for reply
(MAXIMUM OF FIFTEEN MINUTES’ WAIT)
…..Price on application

Next day Return Message…Price on application

Please refer all requests for messages to these areas to the duty office rat. They are no longer accepted as a matter of course.