The M Word (15 page)

“I don’t understand that,” he said simply.
His English was excellent, but occasionally there was an idiom he
didn’t recognize.

Brenda glanced at the kitchen clock, debated
for a moment, then approached him. She placed her hand on his
muscled arm, saying, “You’re wasting your time talking.”

Exactly fourteen minutes later, she slipped
her feet back into her high heeled pumps.

Marius tucked his shirt into his pants. “Good
for you?”

Surprisingly, yes
. “That was fast, but
fun.” Making love didn’t always have to be a three course meal;
sometimes a snack was sufficient. She smoothed her skirt. She
hadn’t even bothered to remove all her clothes, and hoped that no
one at work would notice the wrinkles. She picked up her purse and
smiled wryly.

She’d never see the kitchen table in the same
light again.

She started humming and recognized the melody
from
La Traviata. Libiamo, Libiamo, ne’leiti calici ...
She
laughed. “See you later.”

#

A few days later, Brenda visited Kelly at her
house. The baby, now named Frank Daniel Henderson after his
grandfather, looked healthy and happy. He wasn’t as red as he’d
been at first.

Kelly looked happier, too. Brenda watched as
Kelly nursed Danny. She winced. “That looks painful.”

Kelly said, “It was at first, but now it’s
fine.”

“Good.”

After about fifteen minutes, Kelly detached
the baby from her breast and patted his back to help him burp. The
tiny infant let out a huge belch. They both laughed.

“You’re a pro now,” Brenda said.

Kelly smiled and let the baby nurse again on
the other side. “One of these days, you’re going to be doing the
same.”

“I hope so.” Brenda was quiet for a few
minutes, then added, “Do you think God might be punishing me?”

Kelly frowned. “How?”

“By not letting me get pregnant.”

“You haven’t been married that long.
Sometimes it takes a while.”

“I know, but I can’t help but wonder about
all the mistakes I’ve made.” Kelly knew the whole story about her
abortion when she was a teenager, and Brenda didn’t want to revisit
it now, but she knew Kelly went to church. At one time, she’d even
helped with a children’s Sunday School class. Brenda asked, “Do you
think because I didn’t want a baby in high school that God won’t
let me have one now?”

Kelly took her question seriously. “I doubt
he works that way. All different kinds of women get pregnant. Some
are good, some aren’t. I think it’s more a matter of biology.”

“Then what’s taking so long?”

Kelly sighed. “I don’t know.”

“I still feel punished.” After that, she was
quiet, deciding to keep her dark thoughts to herself.

Kelly finished feeding Danny and burped him
again. She said carefully, “I think if anyone is punishing you,
it’s yourself.”

“What?”

“Didn’t you ever wonder why you were always
picking lousy men?”

“Bad luck?”

“Maybe, but sometimes I worried that you were
picking men who treated you poorly because you thought that’s what
you deserved.”

Brenda considered this idea. “You may be
right.” She’d been trapped in a vicious cycle of dating miserable
men and feeling like a failure.

“But that’s all over now, because you have
Marius,” Kelly said cheerfully.

Brenda knew she was right. Marius was much
better than any of the men she had dated, and their marriage was
better than she had dared hope for. Maybe letting her be with
Marius was God’s way of telling her that her past was forgiven.

Brenda said, “He’s good, but I keep waiting
to discover his fatal flaw.”

“Maybe he doesn’t have one. You know, there
are good men in the world.”

“Like Lars.”

Kelly smiled. “Yes.” She held Danny up and
spoke to him. “Now it’s time to change your diaper, sweetie.”

#

Brenda was visiting her friend Kelly, so
Marius decided to straighten up the kitchen while she was gone. He
emptied the trash and saw several pieces of paper that looked like
they might be a legal document, so he picked it up. It had been
torn in half, but there was a yellow sticky note attached that read
FYI: Merry Christmas. Do you miss me? S.

Steven?

He saw that the papers were a copy of
Steven’s finalized divorce papers.

He crumpled the papers into a ball and
returned them to the trash, where they belonged.

He didn’t think the fact that Steven was now
free would make a difference to Brenda, but he couldn’t know for
certain. Sometimes he felt that Brenda was holding back, keeping
her emotional distance

At least she had thrown the papers out, which
was a good sign.

#

Brenda was surprised to see Francesca come to
the bank. She walked up to Brenda’s work station and asked, “May I
speak to you for a few minutes? Alone?”

Was it about Marius? “Yes, of course,” Brenda
said quickly. She told the manager that she was going to take a
short break. “Where would you like to talk?”

“Outside,” Francesca said crisply.

Brenda put on a jacket and together they
walked to the park. The trees were bare and it was colder, so there
were no other patrons. “Would you like to sit down?” Brenda asked,
motioning to her favorite bench.

“What I have to say will not take long,”
Francesca said, so they both remained standing.

Brenda was beginning to be concerned. “Is
something wrong with Marius?”

“Yes. You.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I want you to leave Marius alone. Stop
sleeping with him. At least until after the competition in
March.”

Brenda couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“Marius says that his voice has never been better.”

Francesca shrugged. “He tells himself what he
wants to hear. But I can tell that you’re draining him.”

Brenda might think that Francesca was being
unreasonable, but there was no denying that she completely believed
what she was saying. “I know you have Marius’ best interests at
heart,” Brenda began, determined to be civil, “And I appreciate
that, but he is my husband, and --”

“If you truly loved him, you’d give him
up.”

“What?”

“He is the best tenor I’ve ever taught. His
voice is a gift to the world. Do you think it’s fair to destroy
that?

“I’m not --” Brenda began defensively, then
caught herself. “This really is none of your business.”

“Marius’ career is my business,” she said
haughtily. She glared at her. “I find it incomprehensible that
someone as ordinary as you has caught his attention. You’re not an
artist. You have no talent. You’re pretty, but the world is full of
prettier women.”

“That you also don’t want him to sleep with,”
Brenda snapped.

“I don’t expect him to be a monk,” Francesca
said. “Complete celibacy may be unreasonable, but married to you,
he could have sex every day.”

And has been
. “I’m going to pretend
that we never had this conversation,” Brenda said, trying to
control her anger, and started to walk back to the bank. “Good bye,
and don’t bother me again at work.”

“You’re destroying him,” Francesca repeated,
but Brenda walked quickly to avoid hearing any more of her
diatribe.

That evening, she asked Marius how his
singing practice was going. He said calmly, “Not so well. There’s a
tightness in my throat. I might be coming down with a cold.”

“Oh no, What are you going to do?”

He smiled. “Don’t worry,
moje serce
. I
will do what I always do: get more sleep, eat very simply and drink
garlic juice.”

“Garlic juice?”

“Yes, fresh garlic juice. It’s good for the
immune system.”

“Keeps the vampires away, too.”

He laughed. “Yes.”

Brenda hesitated, remembering what Francesca
had said. She wrinkled her nose. “If you’re going to smell like
garlic, maybe you should sleep in the guest room.”

Marius reached over and gave her a hug. “No.
If I have to choose between sleeping next to you and taking the
garlic, I’ll skip the garlic.”

“But I want you to get well.”

“I am well,” he insisted. “Well enough.”

Was he telling himself what he wanted to
hear? Brenda wondered. “I was just joking about the garlic,” she
said. “Eat as much as you want. It won’t bother me.”

Later that evening, when they were getting
ready for bed, Brenda said, “Let’s skip sex tonight.”

Marius frowned. “Is there a problem?”

“No, I’d just like a break.”

He kissed her gently. “Whatever you
want.”

Brenda’s heart ached.
I want what’s best
for you.

They didn’t make love the next night either,
because Brenda pretended to be sound asleep when he came in.

The third evening, she asked him how his
singing was doing.

He beamed. “Marvelously. Francesca was
pleased. I must not be getting that cold.”

Brenda shuddered. The evidence was before
her. She knew what she should do, but she didn’t know if she’d have
the strength to do it.

She must have grown pale, for he asked with
concern, “Brenda?”

She shook her head. “I’m fine, but I’ve got a
headache. Maybe I’m getting a cold.”

“I’ll make you some garlic juice.”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The next few days were particularly
difficult. Brenda made love with Marius again because she couldn’t
think of any more excuses not to, but every time they did, she felt
guilty.

She noticed how much time he spent with her,
her friends and family: time he could have spent either practicing
or working on his thesis. When she mentioned it to him, he said,
“Do not fret,
skarbie
,” and kissed her forehead. He smoothed
her hair, tucking it behind her ears. “I am doing well. But even if
I weren’t, you are more important to me than the competition or my
graduate degree.”

His words bothered her.

Was Francesca right? Was she ruining his
life?

She thought of Spock.
The needs of the
many outweigh the needs of the one.

#

On Christmas Eve, one of their neighbors came
by, selling homemade tamales. Brenda checked her wallet. She only
had a ten, and she wanted to buy several dozen pork tamales. They’d
make a perfect gift for her parents that evening and Kelly and Lars
on Christmas Day. “Marius,” she called. “I need money. Do you have
any cash?”

He was working on his thesis at his laptop on
the kitchen table. “I think so. My wallet’s on the dresser.”

“I’ll be right back,” she told the woman. She
hurried to their room and found his wallet on top of the dresser.
She opened it up and saw a five dollar bill. Not enough. She looked
through the other flaps, and saw something that made her gasp.

A green card.

She pulled it out. It had Marius’ name,
picture, and date of birth.

It looked real, and she knew he was not the
kind of man to buy a fake ID.

“Did you find it?” Marius asked from the
other room.

Money, he was talking about money
.
“Yes, I’ve got it,” she called and hastily put the green card back
in his wallet.

When did he get it? Had he gotten it before
they were married? Was everything he’d ever told her a lie?

Her stomach felt like a rock.

This is what she got for procrastinating. She
should have followed up with Marius and talked to another
attorney.

With trembling fingers, she pulled the card
out again and looked for a date. It was in the lower right corner.
He hadn’t had the green card long, but he hadn’t even mentioned
it.

In a daze, she remembered what he’d said when
she proposed. He said he didn’t need help getting a green card, and
obviously that was true.

He hadn’t needed her at all.

It made her question their entire
relationship. Instead of being equals, both bringing something to
the table, had he merely felt sorry for her? Had he been
chivalrous, marrying the bald girl to protect her from her scummy
ex?

She knew he liked her, he enjoyed her
company, he liked sleeping with her. But he was so easy-going, he
could be happy with almost anyone.

“Brenda?” Marius prompted.

“Coming,” she said quickly. Today was
Christmas Eve and tomorrow was Christmas. If she confronted Marius
now, it would only make the holidays unpleasant and make her family
worry. It was better to wait, so she could prepare what she wanted
to say.

That was wise.

Either that, or she was just a
procrastinating coward.

Using the cash on hand, she bought two dozen
tamales.

Marius looked up from his laptop and said,
“I’ve never eaten homemade tamales.”

Brenda made herself smile, even though her
heart was breaking. “Then you’re in for a treat.”

#

Somehow Brenda survived Christmas Eve at her
parents’ house. Everyone came for hors d’oeuvres and desserts.
First they sang carols and ate. Then her dad read Luke Chapter two,
and finally, the grandkids opened their presents from Grandma and
Grandpa. It was a loud, noisy gathering and more than one person
asked if she had any interesting announcements to make. “No, I’m
not pregnant.”

“Are you sure you know what to do about
that?” one of her brother-in-laws teased.

She and Marius left the family party early,
so they could attend a midnight service at his church. Brenda
watched Marius as he sang with the congregation. He modified his
voice so it blended in without being noticeably better or
stronger.

He’s a good man
, she thought. Not
perfect, but good.

On the way home, Marius asked if there was
anything wrong. “You’re very quiet today.”

She evaded the issue. “Christmas always makes
me reflective.”

The next day, they visited Kelly and Lars.
Danny was taking a nap while they sat in Kelly’s elegant living
room and talked. Kelly sat on the couch with her bare feet tucked
beneath her. Lars, looking more relaxed than Brenda had ever seen
him in a ski-sweater and jeans, sat next to Kelly, his arm casually
draped around her shoulders. He looked happy.