The Lonely Girl (10 page)

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong.” Just like that, my moment with Keegan is over. Wrong
? What do you mean wrong? Oh God, he does see me like a little sister. I feel sick. I’m going to throw up. I start to back away with my hands up.

He reaches out to grab me, and I yell, “No don’t.”

He stops. “I shouldn’t have kissed you and Alec...” Alec?? What does kissing me have to do with Alec? God, I’m so stupid. He thinks of me like a kid, just like Alec. I’m fuming. I back up to get more out of his reach. He again grabs me. I’m crying now.

“
Babe, let me explain.”

I yell, “No and I said don’t. Don’t you dare touch me, Keegan!” I turn around, rip my heels off and run yelling behind me for him not to follow me either. I ran up the stairs into the apartment. Jake sees me and instantly runs to me. I tell him to take me home now. He grabs our coats, and we take off before Keegan gets a chance to run back up here. I cry the whole way home. Jake stays with me never asking what happened. All he asked was if he needed to beat up anyone. I tried to laugh, but I couldn’t. We got ready for bed and slept like we have every night since I came here.

******************************************

I hear someone banging on my door.
I look over at the clock and it's eight a.m. Who is knocking on my door at eight in the morning? Whoever it is, isn’t going away. I climb over Jake. He’s still sleeping. What is it with the men in my life being able to sleep through a hurricane? I unlock the door and yank it open. It’s Keegan. What is he doing here? I look down. Oh God, I’m wearing booty shorts and a tank top.

“Keegan, what are you doing it’s early?”

He looks up at me. “I came to apologize and explain I don’t think of you like a sister. I...” He looks over my head and spots Jake in my bed. Shit. He stops and looks at me. “I thought you were just friends, doesn’t look like that to me. What the hell is he doing in your damn bed?”

The yelling has woken up Jake, who realizes that this looks bad. He hops out of bed. “Man, this isn’t what it looks like.”

Keegan laughs. “No you’re right. It’s exactly what Becca said she’d do when she came here. It’s why she didn’t want to room with us, isn’t that right, Rebecca?” I’m shocked not by what he said, but by the way he said ‘Rebecca’, it was laced with so much hate. “Exactly.” He turns and walks away.

I just stare as he disappears. Jake comes up behind me and holds me. I didn’t notice I started to cry. “I will talk to him. He knows you have nightmares. He will understand don’t worry, Beckers.”

I turn to him and just look at him. “You will not do that, Jake. I don’t care what he just said to me, he doesn’t deserve any explanation. So you will do no such thing.” Jake just looks lost, like he doesn’t know what to do. “I’m going to go for a run, Jake. I’m not going to be able to sleep again.”

He looks at me and says, “Want me to come with you?” I shake my head. He hugs me and kisses me on the head and leaves.

I grab my gear and take off. I don’t even realize where I’m running to until I’m at the rock formation Keegan took me to. I climb up and just sit there. I stay like this, crying for a few hours. God Keegan must think I’m a tramp. He should know when I sleep alone, I have nightmares. He should have let me explain. It’s not like he found us naked or actually together. What did he want to explain? I start running again trying to clear my head. I run around the campus a few times and take some trails.

When I arrive back at the dorm, I find a note on my bed from Jake with a banana and orange juice. It told me to eat this and there is a sandwich in the mini fridge. I do as I’m told eating all of it, and then I go take a shower. I get dressed and climb in my bed listening to my music. I hear banging coming from the hall. I get up hoping its Keegan. I open my door and no one is
there, instead I see my brother pounding on Jake’s door. Great Keegan told him.

“Alec, get your ass in here right now before you make me drag you in here.” He looks up and thinks for a second. “Now,” I yell. He walks over and in the door past me. Before I get a chance to say anything, he speaks.

“Is it true? Becca, are you sleeping with Jake? But you kissed Keegan last night?” Oh God Keegan sure didn’t leave anything out.

“What did Keegan tell you?” Alec looks at me. He’s torn. I know he doesn’t want to say what I am asking him to.

“Keegan told me he came over here to apologize and found Jake in your bed sleeping. He said he kissed you last night and before he could explain why he stopped you took off. Right to Jake.” Oh, lovely. Before he could explain? I don’t think it needed to be explained he doesn’t like me. “Keegan is in rough shape. He’s drunk at the apartment. I’ve never seen him like this. What did you do to him, Bec?” What did I do? He’s the one who stomped on my heart.

“One, it’s BECCA and two, you can’t be serious? I kiss him back and then he tells me it’s wrong and I’m the one that screwed up. That’s bull and you know it, Alec. I like him okay, more than like him but he’s only going to see me as your kid sister. I get it but he shouldn’t have kissed me at all. He should have let me walk away like I was doing.”

Alec steps towards me. “Why did you sleep with Jake? You didn’t even do that with Michael. Why would you throw that away if you want Keegan?” He knows that I didn’t sleep with Michael. I guess he told him I said I wasn’t ready. He was probably proud and now he’s asking me why I just gave it up to Jake. Time to come clean I guess.

“I didn’t have sex with Jake. Yes, I slept with him. I have since the first day of school. I gave him a key. He heard me screaming and came in to wake me up. He stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to take the sleeping pills I got when I was in Europe because they don’t stop the dreams they just stop the screaming. After the first few nights here, we just started sleeping together,
instead of him coming in if he hears me.” I can tell he’s trying to absorb everything I just said. He sighs and hugs me. “I haven’t had sex with anyone, Alec. I’m not that type of girl you should know that.” He pulls away and holds my head in his hand.

“I know that, I just wanted to find out what was going on. But you should know Keegan came over to tell you that when he said it was
wrong, it wasn’t because he was kissing you. It was because he didn’t want to do it behind my back and risk me finding out from someone else and being mad at him. He didn’t want to put you in the middle. I’m pretty sure he more than likes you too. You’re all he’s talked about since spring. He’s always asking how you were and where you were at during the summer. I figured he liked you but I wasn’t sure if you were ready. Then I saw you with Jake and thought maybe the thing with Keegan was one sided, on his part. I thought you liked Jake so I didn’t say anything. He very much likes you, Becca. Hence him sitting on our couch with a bottle of whiskey talking about how he waited too long.” Alec is smiling at me.

I laugh. “
Really, he said that, Alec?”

He just laughs.
“Ya, he’s acting like a girl. Let’s go see him and straighten all this out alright.

We drove right over to their place. As we are walking up the stairs, Alec and I are laughing. “I never thought you’d fall for another one of my
friends, Becca?” I laugh even though it’s sad to think of Michael.

“Pick some ugly and boring friends and we won’t have th
at problem.” He just laughs as we walk in the door.

I’m giggling until I feel my brother stop in his tracks, and he goes to try to push me out the door. I wiggle around him and see what caused him to try to get me out. I see Sarah with Keegan. She’s in her underwear, and he’s just in boxers. I immediately turn and hide into my brother. Oh God. If I wasn’t sure how I felt about him, I am now. Your heart can’t break unless you care about them. I will never forget this.

My brother puts his arm around me and yells, “You’ve got to be kidding me?” I turn my head and see them both freeze. Keegan’s eyes are locked on me. Hot tears are streaming down my face. “Keegan get this slut out of my apartment and get some damn clothes on NOW!” Sarah stops and just stares at Keegan. She looks at him like he’s going to defend her. He’s not moving. His eyes are still locked on me.

I can’t take it anymore. I walk right up to her and look her in the eye, so she knows every word I’m about to say, I mean. “You heard my brother. Get your skanky ass out of my brother’s apartment!” Again, she looks to Keegan. “Don’t look to him. He’s not going to help you. You’re just another lock
for him to stick his key into. You mean nothing don’t kid yourself.” She takes a step towards me.

“You bitch. Who do you think you’re talking to?” I still. Those are the same words I heard from Dillon so many months ago. All I see is red.

I grab her by her hair and drag her out the front door and toss her into the hall. She screamed the entire time, but I wasn’t stopping until she was gone. I’ve never gotten physical before. I have no idea what came over me. I slam the door and lock it. I march right over to her clothes and pick them up. I take them to the door, open it and toss them at her. “Now get the hell out of here!” I slam the door. I click the lock and turn around to see both Keegan and Alec staring at me. “What are you two looking at?” Their eyes instantly hit the floor. I see Keegan trying to pull his pants on. He’s clearly intoxicated. He goes to say something, but before he has a chance, I run to my brother’s room. Real mature Becca. Now what? I hear my brother yelling.

“What the hell is wrong with you
, Key? You couldn’t keep it in your pants. I left here and went to find her to get the story and you couldn’t just wait until I got back before you screwed it all up.”

I hear Keegan curse. “Why are you mad at me? Your sister’s the one who kissed me then went home to screw our teammate.” I hear a bang. I
open the door to see Keegan wedged up against the wall by my brother.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about
, Key. She wasn’t screwing him. He was sleeping in there because of her damn nightmares. You should remember. You told me it was harmless when you did it in the spring.”

Keegan’s eyes dart to me immediately. “You weren’t having sex with Jake?” All I can do is shake my head. Apparently, my brother isn’t finished with Keegan yet.

“Now before you think that the fact she didn’t sleep with him changes anything, it doesn’t. She’s not one of your locks to pick at. She’s my sister and you did this knowing if she didn’t see it or hear about it that I would.” He just shakes his head as a response to my brother. “She deserves better than this, Key.” Alec backed up and let go of Keegan. Keegan starts walking towards me. I put my hands up to tell him to stop.

“I was just so mad. I wanted you to be with me and I saw Jake in there. I just wanted to forget so when Sarah messaged
me, I said why not. I’m so sorry, Becca.” I nod. “I never meant it was wrong to kiss you. I meant it was wrong to do it behind Alec’s back.” I nod again.

I finally find my words. “I understand and I know you didn’t do it to hurt me. I forgive you for that.”
He starts to come towards me again. “No, stop. I said I forgive you for Sarah. I trusted you, Keegan. I stayed and heard what you had to say. I waited for an explanation. You didn’t. You didn’t trust me enough to hear me out. You assumed the worst about me. You broke my heart, but not by what you did with Sarah. Instead, you decided to believe I was this girl who would just have sex with someone I’m not in love with. I didn’t even have sex with Michael. I loved Michael and I still didn’t have sex with him. I haven’t been with anybody. If you really knew me and cared about me, you would have let me explain. For that I can’t forgive you. I’m sorry but I can’t be with you.” I turn to run, but Alec tries to grab me. I just shake my head. He lets go.

“Let me take you home.” I shake my head. “
No, I can’t be around any of you. Call Jake. Tell him I’m going home and tell him what happened. Tell him I need him.” I run out the door, tears streaming down my face. I hear my brother yelling at Keegan again, but I don’t have the strength to deal with them. I don’t stop, and I run all the way to the dorm. I knock on Jake’s door, he must be at the gym. I go to my room and lock my door. I slide down the back of the door. My tears are clouding my eyes. I can’t see anything. I’m sure telling my brother that I needed Jake, not him, hurt him. I didn’t mean to imply he wasn’t good enough, but when I look at him all I see is Keegan. He shouldn’t be in the middle. Oh God, how did this become my life?

Can a heart that wasn’t healed to begin with be this shattered? I just need to sleep. I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to cause a further scene by screaming in my sleep. Jake isn’t here and who knows if my brother will be
able to reach him. I go into my drawer, and I see my pills. I take two to make sure I sleep. I put the bottle on my nightstand. I see the picture I had drawn in Paris. It’s a picture of Keegan at the rock formation. I drew it all from memory. It’s exactly right. I start to sob again. I climb into my bed with my picture. I love him. I’m sure. If I didn’t this wouldn’t hurt so much. I try to relax and fall asleep. It’s not working. I grab the bottle and take two more pills. I go under the blankets. It’s just after seven at night. This has been the longest day. After about fifteen minutes, my eyes get heavy, and I finally cry myself to sleep.

I hear someone yelling my name, but I’m too tired to wake up. Maybe they will go away. I just fell asleep. All of a sudden, my face is wet. I vaguely hear my name again, and I recognize it’s Jake’s voice. I’m being pulled out of bed to the floor, and he’s smacking my checks. I open my eyes.