The Light in the Wound (41 page)

Jesse walked away with my heart that night. He should have known, that when he touched me the night before, my fate had been sealed. Throughout the haze of the wedding, the five hundred people, the smiling, the dancing, I managed to look at the single women in attendance and thought to myself,
If someone wants to take Alex away from me, I would say, “Here, please take him. Save him from this misery. Love him like he deserves to be loved.”

I realized that this out of body experience had taken place when Alex and I were alone the night of our honeymoon. I was going through the motions, but I wasn’t really there. I actually stopped him from going further after he peeled away the layers of my wedding dress.

“Mrs. Ailey, thank you for giving me such a perfect evening. Your beauty is daunting; you are absolutely captivating. This is the happiest night of my life.” His eyes grew dark as he unzipped my dress and slowly unwrapped every tier of fabric from my body. “I’m going to make you come in every single corner of this honeymoon suite,” he whispered as he turned me around to face him. His need made him shake with anticipation. I wanted to get there. I needed to be here. I closed my eyes and willed myself to feel.

“Alex, please, let’s slow down,” I pleaded as my dress fell to the floor, leaving me in nothing but the white virginal corset that seemed to excite him even more. He proceeded to undress me and felt me tremble as he caressed me with his fingers. He stopped when he realized that I wasn’t ready.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong? “

“Nothing. I think I’m just so tired. I just need a minute.” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

Please, please, this is Alex now. I love him. This is going to work.

In the hours that followed, the world stopped revolving and it was just Alex and me.

Shortly after we were married, I announced to Alex that we were moving to the States. “The States?” He blinked unbelievingly. “Where?”

“I don’t know, Chicago maybe? Let’s start a new life somewhere, Alex. Far away from our pasts,” I said. “What pasts? I don’t have a past, Isa. Our life is here. I can’t do that to my father. Your grandparents would be heartbroken. They’re so excited about the baby.” He stepped forward and took me into his arms.

Days turned to weeks and despite so much discussion, the subject of moving away never really progressed. I was a wreck with my pregnancy hormones and paranoia about running into Jesse. I cried constantly, I was quiet, listless and depressed. One month after the wedding, Alex leaned over me as I faced the opposite side of the bed, away from him.

“Isa, baby, talk to me. What’s wrong? You’ve been so sad lately. I can’t reach you, you seem so far away. Maybe we need to see the doctor again. I’m really worried about you.”

I couldn’t see his eyes, but I sensed the concern in his voice as he leaned his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around me.

“I told you, Alex. We have to leave.”

“Why? What happened that you hate it here all of a sudden?”

I released myself from his hold and sat up on the bed.

“I can’t stand looking at this place. I want a new start. I need to get away from all this.”

“Babe, you’re not making any sense.”

“I was with him the night before our wedding,” I confessed in an almost whisper.

He gulped and clutched his chest in response. “What?”

I swallowed slowly and stared straight into his eyes. I held both hands up to touch him, but he backed away so quickly, the mattress shifted abruptly as he rolled off the bed and sat by its edge. I slinked my way toward him and tried to grab his shoulders. He shot straight up and turned around to face me.

“Did he touch you?” He snorted tersely.

“Yes, but-” I began.

“Did you have sex with him? The night before we got married. Did you?”

“No, Alex, I didn’t! Please, let me explain.”

He spun around, grabbed a vase by the bedside and threw it against the wall. “Fuck!” he cried.

There goes his heart,
I thought to myself as the glass exploded against the wall into a million little pieces.

I tried once again to touch him, but he pushed me away and walked over to the sitting room. I followed him silently, keeping my distance, certain that he couldn’t stand to be near me. Who could, for that matter? I felt ashamed and filthy. Instinctively, I wrapped my robe tighter around me in a gesture of modesty. His face was now red, his head made jerking movements and his fists were curled up into a ball.

“Why, Isa? I thought you loved me?”

I sat on the coffee table directly in front of him, afraid to even let my knees touch his.

“Please, Alex. Please. I want to tell you everything. I need you to hear this.”

His eyes looked straight through me. I knew he was gone.

“That night, he came over to see me, I thought I owed it to him to close the book on us. I didn’t know that he was planning to propose marriage. When we got to his apartment, I was so emotional about hurting him that I got carried away. I wanted, in that moment, to take away his pain. But it had nothing to do with you. It had nothing to do with my love for you. I knew you were my future then, as I know it now. I just couldn’t leave him, he had questions; he needed answers. I felt an obligation to fix him. I never knew I could shatter someone like that, and I just couldn’t turn my back on him. I love you, please, never doubt that.”

“He touched you.” His eyes confirmed to me that the damage was irreparable. I had broken him.

“I don’t deserve you, but I’m begging you to forgive me, please.”

“And you want to leave because you still love him?” His teeth were clenched. The beautiful sitting room suddenly felt dark and morbid.

“No! No. I want to leave because too many things here remind me of the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve been dying to tell you everything. I want to go somewhere where you and I can be just us. Build a future together without being reminded of the things I’m ashamed of.” I wept openly. For a second I saw his features soften before he regained his composure and stayed the heck away from me.

“How do you expect me to get over this?”

I bowed my head in realization of the fact that not only did I deserve this, but that I also may have lost him forever.

“Alex? If you want me to set you free, I will. You are worthy of so much more. We can meet with Father Ruben and ask him to help us get an annulment. This is all my fault. I will let you go if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t know what I want anymore,” he mumbled, as he rose from the chair and disappeared from my sight.

I stayed rooted to my seat, not knowing whether to go after him that night. My first instinct was to chase him, to beg him not to leave me. In some way, I wondered whether he would have caved in to me if I had a chance to touch him. I guess I’d never know. He was disgusted with me and I didn’t need to push myself on him. As I cried myself to sleep, I replayed the previous scene over and over again. I was certain that I had delivered the final blow to my marriage. He was done with me.

I woke up to an empty space and untouched pillows. Alex never returned to the room.

Early in the morning, I was awakened by Mellie’s soft knock on my bedroom door. “Ma’am Isabel, Sir Alex asked me to let you know that he will be staying at Sir Anthony’s house for a few days. He told me to tell you that he will call you.”

I nodded, not wanting to reveal any emotions in front of her. As soon as she left the room, Alicia came in and slipped under the covers next to me.

“He wants you to know that he just needs some time,” she said with a tone of disappointment as she shook her head. “Oh, Isa, what did you do?”

All I could do was cry.

I spent the first day waffling between tears of loss and visions of hope. I thought back to his actions and his words. How much he loved me. Did he love me enough to overlook this transgression? The second day without him left me desolate and lonely. I heard every sound in the house. I counted every minute. I missed him so desperately.

By then, I had placed numerous calls to his brother Anthony’s house.

“Isa, I’m so sorry, Alex has given instructions not to be told if you call. He’s trying his best to process everything.” Anthony’s voice was gentle and soothing. He wasn’t judging me.

“How is he?” I asked the question, terrified of what the answer might be.

“He’s distraught. But not because of what you did. He’s devastated because he thinks he never had you in the first place. He doesn’t know what to do about that.”

“Oh, Tony,” I started to cry again, “please tell him to come home. Please tell him that I love him and that I’m waiting right here for him.”

Three days passed and still no call from Alex. I knew then that the only thing left to do was to try to go to his brother’s house to see him. I was ready to take the risk, to put myself out there. I didn’t deserve his love, but I wanted it so badly. The insufferable prospect of losing him was only better than the agonizing regret I would face if I didn’t try. I had to tell him how much he meant to me. He had to at least hear it one last time. Consciously, I prepared myself for the possibility of losing him.
What will I do? Where will I go? Will my child ever know him?

As soon as I had uttered the words to him and relayed what had happened, it was as if my heart had been freed from its chains of remorse. It was beating again, this time with affection for the man who deserved it. No more secrets, no more lies. I was ready to start over with only love for him in my heart. There was no more looking back, only a future together ahead of us. I just needed one last chance to tell him.
If he looks into my eyes, I know he’ll believe me.

The sun was shining, the flowerbeds were in bloom, and the air was peaceful and serene.
What a beautiful day for a marriage to end
, I thought as I sat outside on the patio, lost in my thoughts and focused on writing Alex a letter. I wanted to be prepared to leave something at Anthony’s house in case he refused to see me.

“Isabel.” I heard his voice close behind me.

I sat still for fear that if I turned around, it would grant him permission to say goodbye. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I stared straight ahead. He walked over to me and knelt down between my legs.

“I was writing you a letter,” I started, as he took my hands in his and held them tightly.

“What were you going to say?” he asked, his eyes still sad but this time devoid of any anger.

“I was going to leave it at Anthony’s in case you didn’t want to see me. I wanted to let you know how much I miss you. How sorry I am for hurting you and how much I truly love you. I wanted to beg you to come back home.”

“Tell me,” he whispered as a tiny smile crept across his face, “I’m here now.”

I held his beautiful face in my hands. “I have lived my entire life trying to make people happy, doing things for people, clamoring for their affection. When I fell in love with you, I couldn’t get over the fact that someone truly cared for me, instead of the other way around. When I chose to be with you instead of Jesse, it was the first time that I had hurt someone instead of them hurting
me
. I felt so responsible for crushing him that I wanted to stay around to help him understand why and how it happened. I failed to consider what that would do to you. I sincerely apologize for that, Alex, I do. More than anything else, I want you to know that I love you. Only you. Somehow I justified leaving Jesse by telling myself that I was doing it to make my family happy, when in fact, it’s simply because no one has ever loved me the way that you do. It’s the only love I want. I’ve always been honest with you about how difficult it has been to let go of the past. But you are my present and my future. From the first time we were together, you saved my life. You saved my soul. You made me want to make you proud. You made me realize that I deserved better. You made me unafraid to love you.
My wounds are healed because of you.
”

He lifted me up, placed me on top of his lap and held me close as I leaned my head on his chest. He stroked my hair lightly as he spoke.

“Baby, I’m so sorry I left you that night. More than being filled with jealousy, I was afraid that you might have never really loved me. I know I told you long ago that it was okay if you didn’t love me just yet, that I had enough love for the both of us. I should have understood then that you never lied to me about your true feelings for him. You were always honest with me. And even now, at this very moment, I’d rather have a part of your heart than none of it at all.”

“You asked me for my heart. And I’m giving it to you. Without fear, without condition. I’m sorry that it’s taken me a while, but it’s all yours now. I love you and only you. Three days without you, Alex, is more than I can ever take.”

“Show me, Isabel. Show me how much you love me. Kiss me.” He closed his eyes and waited for me to draw his face toward mine. It felt like our first kiss. Young and fresh and invigorating. Nothing about this man was ever familiar. Every single moment with him was a chance to discover something new.

“I love you, Isa. But I need to know that I’m the only one you want. We’ll move away, and I’ll fight for you for the rest of my life.”