The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (17 page)

And it took three hours to get home.

And when we got out of the car he didn’t even wait till we got in the house or anything. He just grabbed me by the ankles and he held me up in the air with his hand and he kept hitting me and hitting me. And I had a bunch of pennys in my pocket which fell allover the sidewalk while he was hitting me and while my mom was yelling STOP IT STOP IT YOU’LL KILL THE BOY! And even my mom was crying like I was. And my dad was yelling how he’ll break my leg if I ever do that again NOW GET IN THE HOUSE AND GET TO BED BEFORE I DO IT RIGHT NOW! And I could hardly even walk inside because it was really hurting and I was really crying and my mom and dad kept yelling for a long time after I went to bed. I could hear them fighting all the way upstairs and my dad said THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE KID!

And my mom said YOU DON’T HAVE TO BEAT HIM LIKE THAT!

And my dad said I’LL DO WHAT I DAMN WELL PLEASE!

And my mom said FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

And my dad said SHUT UP BEFORE I HIT YOU TOO!

And my mom started to say something and my dad hit her. Real hard. I couldn’t see it but BOY could I hear it. And then I heard my mom crying for a long time and then my dad went out and slammed the door. He was probly going to the Italien Club because that’s where he always goes when he wants to be alone with the boys.

And then it was 2 o’clock in the morning and he still didn’t come back yet and my mom was still crying and 
waiting downstairs. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. Because I really hate him, Superman. I hate him more than Luthor or The Joker or Jimmy Sinceri or ANYBODY. Even Sister Mary Justin. Because I don’t care if you’re God or not, Superman. And I don’t care if I’m God or not. I don’t care about anything except getting Super. And getting even. And if he ever hits my mom again then I’ll get a knife. And I’ll stick it in him when he’s snoring. I swear to God I’ll do it! And I know you hardly ever hurt or kill anybody but I don’t care, Superman. Because I just don’t. Because you’ll see.

JERRY CHARIOT

DEAR SUPERMAN,

Robert said you NEVER kill anybody and I said you might if you really had to. And Robert said Well you ain’t never killed anybody yet. And I said ARE YOU SURE? So we looked in all our old comicbooks and also the two new ones we bought at Starita’s. And we couldn’t even find one place where you killed somebody even though everybody is trying to kill you all the time. And I didn’t mean it when I said I was gonna kill my dad. I was just kidding. Ha-Ha. I would never REALLY kill him. I just want to get rid of him for a while. Like maybe he’ll get sick and have to go in the hospitel or something. That’s all. Ha-Ha.

Your Friend, JERRY

PS: The other day we was on our way to the Duck Rock and we saw this rock on the ground and I looked at it a LONG 
time and then I told Robert there was Kryptonite inside of it. And Robert said HOW DO YOU KNOW? And I said BECAUSE I CAN SEE IT WITH MY X-RAY VISION. And Robert said I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. So we broke it open and guess what? There was this green stuff inside and it was Kryptonite. We think. Except I’m sure of it. And so we burried it in the ground just in case. You’re welcome.

DEAR SUPERPAL,

Me and Robert just read the story about how The Kryptonite Kid came from another planet and tried to kill you with his dog and his Kryptonite touch in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 10. And he kept turning everything into Kryptonite, even the trees and the sliding boards and Krypto’s bones. And he told you if you didn’t leave Earth forever then he’d kill you FOR SURE and his Kryptonite dog would also kill Krypto. But you couldn’t kill him first because every time you got near him you got weak and started to die. And besides, you wouldn’t kill him anyway because that’s just the way you are. And on page 33 he turned the chairs and the books and the floor and everything into Kryptonite. And he said,

“HOW ABOUT A KRYPTONITE ASH TRAY? OH, YOU DON’T SMOKE? THEN AMUSE YOURSELF WITH A KRYPTONITE PHONE BOOK!”

And then you said, “OWWW! HE’S CHANGING HARMLESS OBJECTS INTO DEADLY MENACES!”

And me and Robert thought you was a gonner for sure this time. And so did you, Superman. You was laying on the floor and starting to turn all green and your forehead was real sweaty. And The Kryptonite Kid was laughing and saying,

“TRY TO GET UP! JUST TRY! HA-HA! MY DOG AND I HAVE CHANGED OURSELVES INTO KRYPTONITE! YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE EARTH, DESPITE MY WARNING, SO NOW YOU MUST DIE!’’

And you said, “THE PAIN . . . GHASTLY . .

And we was REALLY AFRAID, Superman. We was so afraid that we couldn’t even turn the page. So we decided to flip a coin and Robert lost. Except he said maybe we better say a prayer first and this way everything would turn out allright.

But I said it wouldn’t make no difference anyway because whatever was gonna happen had already hap-pend.

Except Robert said maybe God had looked into the future to see if we was gonna do it. And if we WAS gonna say a prayer for Superman then maybe he would make everything come out OK because that’s the way God works sometimes.

So finally we decided to say three Hail Marys just in case. And also one Our Father Who Art In Heaven. Then we both put a hand on the page and turned it together, Superman. And that’s when somebody came to save you just in time Thank God and you’ll NEVER guess who it was?

It was MXYZPTLK!—the prank-playing imp from The Fifth Dimension!

“YOU BET IT’S ME!” the imp said. “YOU OUTWITTED ME THE LAST TIME WE MET, REMEMBER, AND I VOWED TO GET EVEN, YOU SUPER-CRUMB, YOU!”

And then Mr. Mxyzptlk! used his magical powers to send The Kryptonite Kid to The Fifth Dimension where he couldn’t kill you anymore. And then he changed everything back to normel so there wouldn’t be anymore Kryptonite around for a while. And you couldn’t figure out why 
he did it because you thought he HATED you, Superman.

Which he does.

And so if you was dead then he couldn’t make you miserable anymore. And then he wouldn’t have anymore fun.

So it’s a GOOD thing he hates you so much because he don’t hate you as much as The Kryptonite Kid did. And that’s why you better be nice to Mr. Mxyzptlk! and let him torment you for a while. Because if The Kryptonite Kid ever excapes from The Fifth Dimension then you’re gonna need all the help you can get.

So goodby.

YOUR FRIENDS,

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: Maybe you should change your mind about killing people. Because someday somebody’s gonna kill you unless you kill them first. It’s OK if you kill somebody as long as they try to kill you before you try to kill them. That’s what me and Robert think. So why don’t you think about it also? Please.

DEAR MR. MXYZPTLK!

I hope you don’t mind if me and Robert Sipanno write you a letter but we just wanted to say THANK YOU VERY MUCH for saving Superman’s life from The Kryptonite Kid. We thought that was REAL nice. And we know how you hate to be nice but we still like you quite a bit anyway. So if you ever decide to come to Pulpburg then you don’t have to worry about spelling your name backwords. We 
promise we won’t trick you. So THANK YOU VERY MUCH again.

Your Friends,

MR. CHARIOT! and MR. SIPANNO!

PS: We hope this letter gets to you OK because we don’t know if the mailman delivers letters to The Fifth Dimension or not. In fact, we don’t even know where The Fifth Dimension is because we live in The Fourth Dimension. I think. But we’re gonna send it AIRMAIL just in case. Goodby.

Dear SUPERPAL,

The other day I saw another rock with Kryptonite in it and I told Robert. So we broke it open and I was right again. It was all green inside. And so I looked around some more and I found another one and we cracked it open and it was green also. So now we know why you never fly around Pulpburg—because there’s so much Kryptonite around! But don’t worry, we’ll get rid of it for you and then you can come and see us if you want. And I sure hope there isn’t any red or silver or white Kryptonite around. Or gold.

So maybe I better check.

Goodby.

  

JERRY CHARIOT

and ROBERT SIPANNO

PS: You know what Robert said, Superman? Robert said maybe he should call me THE KRYPTONITE KID because I 
keep finding Kryptonite allover the place especially near the Duck Rock. But I said YOU BETTER NOT! and Robert said WHY? and I said BECAUSE THE KRYPTONITE KID WAS REAL BAD AND HE TRIED TO KILL SUPERMAN AND I WOULD NEVER TRY TO KILL NOBODY EXCEPT MAYBE MY DAD. Except Robert said I could still be THE KRYPTONITE KID except I’d be a GOOD kid instead of the REAL kid. So what do you think?