The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (7 page)

SUPERPAL,

My mom said sometimes dreams come true. Like the time she dreamed that Mrs. Fazzari up the street was dieing and two weeks later she died of a hard attack. She was 91 years old. And every time one of the neighbors dies then my mom bakes apple pies and cakes and stuff like that and she brings them to the house where the body used to live and where all the relatives are crying and eating. I remember how I had to kneel in front of Mrs. Fazzari’s dead body and say a prayer so her soul wouldn’t go to Hell and I couldn’t have any pie until I did it. And so I did it. And that’s when I noticed that her lips were real red and she had a nice smile which I never saw before. And her dress was real pretty and she looked a LOT better than she ever did in real life. So I was thinking maybe death isn’t 
such a bad thing- after all but still I hope you’ll be REAL careful around any gold, Superman. Because if you do touch any, then don’t forget to make sure you have ALL your Super powers before you stand in front of any trucks that don’t have any breaks OK? Goodby again.

JERRY again

PS: Robert didn’t get a chance to tell Sister Mary Justin about Metropolis yet because we haven’t had Geography for three days because we had three extra Religion classes instead because we’re gonna be making our First Holy Communion pretty soon. But don’t worry, he’ll tell her. Because if he don’t then I will.

Dear Man of Tomorrow,

The other day in Geography class Sister Mary Justin was talking about the Holy Trinity. And she said there’s three persons in one God and they’re the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost amen. And I said HOW CAN THERE BE THREE PERSONS WHEN THERE ISN’T EVEN ONE PERSON BECAUSE HE’S A GOD AND NOT A PERSON? And Sister Mary Justin said THAT’S TRUE, HE IS A GOD BUT THERE ARE THREE DIFFERENT PARTS TO THAT GOD. And I said YOU MEAN LIKE A PUZZEL? And Sister Mary Justin said NOT EXACTLY, IT’S MORE LIKE A STATUE WITH THREE FACES. And I said HOW DO YOU KNOW GOD HAS THREE FACES IF YOU CANT SEE HIM UNTIL AFTER YOU DIE LIKE YOU TOLD US? And Sister Mary Justin was starting to get mad. But she said WELL, GOD TOLD US. And I said WHO DID HE TELL? And she 
said THE WORLD. And I said WHEN? And she said WHEN HIS ONLY SON JESUS CHRIST CAME DOWN ON EARTH AND DIED FOR OUR SINS. And I said HOW DID JESUS KNOW? And she said BECAUSE HE’S THE SON OF GOD AND SO HE’S A MEMBER OF THE HOLY TRINITY AND SO HE’S REALLY GOD AND SO HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. And I said I STILL DON’T GET IT. And Sister Mary Justin said YOU SHOULD NOT BE A DOUBTING THOMAS. SIT DOWN, JEROME! So I sat down.

So after school Robert and me talked about it a long time and we decided that it’s easy to see how sometimes you can be SUPERMAN and sometimes you can be CLARK KENT. But you can never be both at the same time. So how can Sister Mary Justin believe in three Gods that you can never see until after you die but she don’t believe in one Superman that you can watch on TV? That’s what we can’t figure out. Maybe she’s been praying too much and God’s been giving her too much information and she’s getting it all mixed up. That’s what I said. So Robert said WELL, MAYBE I BETTER NOT TELL HER ABOUT METROPOLIS BECAUSE SHE’LL JUST GET THAT MIXED UP TOO AND I’LL GET IN TROUBLE. And I said YOU’RE JUST ASCARED TO TELL HER BECAUSE YOU’RE CHICKEN! And Robert said NO SIR I AM NOT! So I started making noises like a chicken. And so now Robert’s gonna tell her if we ever have Geography again.

Your friends,

JERRY and ROBERT SIPANNO

Dear Superman,

Well, we had Geography again and Robert said I better 
not write and tell you about it because it was REALLY terrible and Robert cried like I did. But I said we have to tell Superman because he’s our friend and we told him we would. My mom says a friend is a person who you can tell bad thing's to and they’ll listen. And I said I thought that’s what a priest was? And my mom said Yes, a priest is also a friend. But Robert said if I tell you about it then he’ll NEVER speak to me again in his hole life and maybe even longer. Like if we both go to the same place like Heaven or Hell or Purgatory. And you know what I think, Superman? I think he means it. In fact I’m sure he does. And so I’m really sorry. I hope you understand and don’t get mad or anything. You see, Robert is also my friend and I don’t have too many friends anymore and I really like Robert quite a bit. And so I better not tell you OK? Because I know Robert would REALLY feel bad if I told you how everybody laughed at him and called him names and how Sister Mary Justin said he was almost as dumb as Jerome if that’s possible. And he would feel even badder if you told Jimmy Olsen about it. So I better not do it because I just can’t. So I hope you really understand.

YOUR FRIEND, JERRY

PS: GOSH you shoulda seen it, Superman!

DEAR SUPERMAN,

I just read that story about you and Mr. Mxyzptlk! and I think he’s really neat. I like him better than anybody I ever read about in your comicbooks except for you and 
Supergirl and Jimmy Olsen. And Robert likes him quite a bit too. And that’s why we’re writing this letter.

You see, Superman, we don’t think Mr. Mxyzptlk! is really that bad even if he does make a lot of trouble for you and everybody else in Metropolis, Illinoise. Especially you. Because he does those things to have fun and not to hurt people or kill somebody. Because he isn’t real big and mean like Luthor is. In fact he’s about as little—I mean big—as I and Robert am. That’s why he’s a imp and not a person. He doesn’t do things like robbing banks or pushing Lois Lane out the window. He just does things like making cars drive up the side of skyscrapers and making all the water disappear from the swimming pool. He likes to make trouble because that’s just the way he is, not because he really LIKES to make trouble.

And we think it’s really NEAT how he comes out of The Fifth Dimension where he lives with all the the other imps, and the only way you can send him back to his own Dimension is to make him spell his name backwords. And that’s the only way you can get rid of him because he’s magical and you can’t catch him. Because every time you try and grab him somebody writes POP! and he’s gone, just like that! He’s pretty smart. That’s why you can never trick him until the last page of the comicbook.

I remember one time you tricked him by making him read the letters in his alphabet soup which turned out to be his name spelt backwords. I thought that was REALLY clever. That’s something I would of thought of. You’re really great, Superman! And Mr. Mxyzptlk! isn’t so bad as you think sometimes. Because EVERYbody likes to do tricks like that. Even me. Like one time I hid in the apple tree and waited for my cousin Connie to walk under and then I peed on her. The reason I did it was because she 
always told my mom when I ran behind her house and pulled my pants down in front of cars going by. And another time I put a frog down Robert’s pants but I can’t do things like making cars drive up the side of Holy Redeemer School or turning Sister Mary Justin into a wart. So you don’t have to worry.

And since Mr. Mxyzptlk! keeps coming back to this Dimension every 90 days I guess you’ll be busy enough trying to trick him and making him spell his name backwords. And so me and Robert are gonna help you OK? And our first idea is to pretend you are a blind person and you can even dress up like one with sun glasses and everything. And Mr. Mxyzptlk! won’t know it’s really you and so you could ask him to read you a story out of a old comicbook. And you could pick one where you already tricked him into spelling his name backwords. And then when he got to the end he’d disappear. Isn’t that good Ha-Ha?

Your PALS,

Jerry and Robert

PS: If you don’t like that one then we’ll send you another one as soon as we think of it. Which should be pretty soon, so don’t worry.

Dear Superman,

Robert said to tell you that he didn’t really cry very much because Sister Mary Justin only hit him once. And besides it made some more freckles grow when the tears fell allover his face and so now he REALLY looks like

46

Jimmy Olsen a hole lot. In fact we was thinking of taking Robert’s picture and sending it to Jimmy Olseri so Jimmy Olsen would open it and say GREAT KRYPTON! HE MUST BE MY TWIN BROTHER! And then maybe Jimmy Olsen might want to meet Robert and so he might ask you to fly him here to Pulpburg. And if you wanted to stay over night then Jimmy could stay with Robert and you could stay at my house because I don’t think my mom would mind too much once she gets a chance to meet you. So what do you think?

ROBERTS FRIEND, JERRY