The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (12 page)

DEAR SUPERMAN,

I know this might sound really dumb but my mom just said she’s gonna give me a baby brother for Christmas. And I said ARE YOU SURE?

And she said YES, I’M POSITIVE.

And I said WELL WHAT IF I DON’T WANT ONE?

And she said WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

And I said WELL WHAT IF I WANT SOMETHING ELSE?

And she said LIKE WHAT?

And I said LIKE A CAPTAIN NEMO ATOMIC SUBMARINE DO-IT-YOURSELF ASSEMBLY KIT WHICH COSTS ONLY $9 and 95C. PLUS TACKS. WHICH IS PROBLY A LOT CHEAPER THAN A BABY BROTHER ANYWAY.

And she just looked at me and smiled. And then she said it might be a sister but it’ll probly be a brother because that’s what she wants.

And I said THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT.

And she said GO DUMP THE GARBAGE. That’s what she always says when she don’t want to say anything else.

And I know that Christmas is a loooong time away yet and so maybe she’ll change her mind. But I don’t think she will because she looked like she really meant it. I could tell. And besides, I don’t really want a baby brother because then he wouldn’t like me just like I don’t like Buster. I’d rather be a little brother than a big brother because they’re not as mean.

That’s why I was wondering where my baby brother is right now, Superman? I mean, where do you go before you’re borned and you’re nothing? I know it’s not Heaven or Hell so maybe it’s Purgatory. Or is there another place 
we don’t know about yet? And do you think I could pray to him wherever he is? And then I could ask him to PLEASE not be homed until after Christmas and then I could get that submarine I was telling you about.

What do you think?

Your friend, 

JERRY CHARIOT

DEAR SUPERMAN,

You see, Robert’s mother Elizabeth used to be really fat. Even fatter than she usually is. And she’s usually really fat. That’s because she’s a Italien like Robert is. But one time she was fatter than she’s ever been before and she kept on getting fatter. And then she had another Italien baby which turned out to be Sue Ann. And I thought it was because she kept eating all the time and that’s why she was getting extra fat. And one night she even got up at 4 o’clock in the morning and she ate all of Robert’s fudgsickels and Robert was really mad. And so was I because he gives some of them to me sometimes. And so this is what Robert thinks. Robert thinks it wasn’t really fat but it was Sue Ann because Sue Ann really loves fudgsickels. But Robert’s mom don’t. And so she was eating them for Sue Ann who was really the fat because it wasn’t fat. Because everybody knows that babys love fudgsickels. And so do me and Robert. Except we’re not babys. We just happen to love them. So what do you think, Superman? Is my baby brother really in my mom’s stomick like Sue Ann Sipanno? We’d sure like to know.

YOUR FRIENDS, 

JERRY and ROBERT

Dear SuperPAL,

The other day Sister Mary Justin said we’re all children of God even people who aren’t children. Like my mom and Elizabeth and Old Lady Holbrook. She said that’s because God made everybody in the hole world especially Catholics. And I said EVEN BABY BROTHERS?

And she said SIT DOWN, JEROME! And then she said YES, EVEN BABY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND EVEBYBODY.

And I said HOW DOES HE DO IT?

And she said WHAT?

And I said HOW DOES GOD MAKE BABYS BECAUSE I THOUGHT MOTHERS DID THAT?

And she said WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

And I said ROBERT SIPANNO.

And she said ROBERT, STAND UP!

So Robert stood up.

So then she said YOU BOYS WILL REMAIN AFTER SCHOOL. WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER!

And Robert said WHY? WE JUST ASKED YOU A QUESTION? And she looked at Robert real mean and I could tell she was wishing she could hit him. And Robert said ALL WE WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT GOD MAKES BABYS OUT OF?

And Sister Mary Justin said GOD MAKES BABYS OUT OF LOVE, ROBERT. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. NOW NO MORE OF YOUR DIRTY QUESTIONS!

And I said IS LOVE DIRTY?

And she said OF COUBSE NOT.

And Robert said WHERE DOES HE GET ALL THAT LOVE FROM?

And Sister Mary Justin said GOD IS LOVE.

And I said I THOUGHT HE WAS JESUS.

And Sister Mary Justin said BE QUIET!! And then she turned real red and she said YOU WILL REPORT TO THE PRINCIPLE’S OFFICE! I WILL DEAL WITH YOU LATER!

And then it was later and she came to deal with us. And she said we were the worst students she EVER had and we were even worser than when she had Negros in Erie. And we’re always making trouble and she’s getting sick and tired of it. And if it happens JUST ONE MORE TIME then she’s gonna expell us from school and we won’t be able to make our First Holy Communion and we’ll have to go to the public school and become Protestents and go to Hell.

And you know what, Superman? She never said if it’s God or my mom who’s gonna make my baby brother.

JERRY and ROBERT again

DEAR SUPERMAN,

Me and Robert just read the story where Jimmy Olsen told you to DROP DEAD! And then he told you to BEAT IT! And then he told you to GET LOST, SUPER-CHUMP! And you thought he hated you and so did everybody else in Metropolis, Illinoise. Including Jimmy. Only it turned out it was that SPACE JEWEL that made him feel the opposit of how he REALLY feels. Because if he really hated you then he would have loved you. So I’m glad you figured it out on the last page like you always do. And then it showed you and Jimmy flying through the air and you were both smiling and you had your arm around Jimmy’s shoulder and I got little pimpels allover me and Robert. We both 
wished we was Jimmy so we could go for a ride with you. We’d really like that a HOLE LOT. Especially me.

And so someday when I get Super then I’m gonna take Robert on a ride JUST like that. After I learn how to fly pretty soon. And when I fly him to Holy Redeemer School then he can wave at all the kids who are looking up and pointing at us. And then I’ll fly him through the window and right into his seat in front of Sister Mary Justin. And then I’ll fly out again. And then I’ll sneak into the lavatory and change into my regular clothes so nobody will know that Jerry Chariot is my secret identity. And then I’ll walk up the steps and Janie Jobb will be standing there waiting for me. And she’ll say, “Where were you when Superkid went flying by?” And I’ll say, “I was in the lavatory going to the bathroom.” And she’ll say, “Hmmmmmmmmmmm.” And then she’ll say, “Isn’t it funny that I never see you and Superkid around at the same time?” And I’ll say, “That sure is funny, Janie. Ha-ha!” And then I’ll walk away. And then on the next page I’ll be back in the classroom and everybody will be in their seats and Janie Jobb will be thinking, “Gee, I wonder if he really is Superkid?” And then it will say THE END.

YOUR FRIEND,

JERRY CHARIOT

DEAR MAN OF TOMORROW,

How are you today? We are fine thanks. We just read that story called THE RADIOACTIVE BOY which was in GIANT SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN NO. 13. Which 
was right after the story about how Jimmy didn’t really hate you. Which is what I wrote about yesterday. Which is why I’m writing again, Superman. You see, I thought Jimmy was gonna die FOR SURE when he got exposed to that radioactive stuff. That’s why he ran out in the woods because his body was glowing allover and he was thinking,

“Scientists say anybody getting an overdose of atomic radiations could only live . . . (Gasp!) ... a few hours!” And that’s when he noticed a cave and so he ran inside and it was REAL dark but he was still glowing and thinking, “Yet I—I can’t call anybody here to spend my last moments with me . . . He would die, too!”

And then Jimmy started to cry and then Robert started to cry and then I started to cry because EVERYBODY thought Jimmy was gonna die. Even you, Superman. That’s why you went out looking for him with your X-ray Vision until finally you found that cave and flew inside and said, “It’s I, Jimmy—Superman! I found you!”

And Jimmy said, “Your voice sounds so sad ... You must know the truth about me, Superman!”

And you said, “Yes! Poor Jimmy . . . (Choke!)”

And then you turned around and sat down on a rock and said, “But—but for once I’m unable to save you, Jimmy! Oh, Jimmy . . . My poor pal ...”

And we NEVER saw you cry like that before, Superman. That’s why we was crying with you. Because it was really AWFUL. We didn’t know what to do. We just kept crying and reading and getting page 33 all wet. And also 34. And then Robert’s mom heard us and so she came in and wanted to know WHAT’S WRONG? And Robert tried to tell her except he was crying too much. So I told her. And you know what, Superman? She didn’t even yell or nothin
g. My mom probly would of hit us. But Robert’s mom just looked at us and then she touched Robert on the shoulder and said,

“My, my ...”

And then she smiled and said, “Well, if it’s that importent then you should cry ...”

And then she kissed Robert on the cheek. And then she kissed me on the hair. And then she walked out . . .

And then we turned the page and found out Jimmy wasn’t gonna die after all. And BOY were we glad! Especially Robert. Because we know we hardly ever get letters from you, Superman, but we still like you and Jimmy Olsen better than ANYBODY else we know. Even God or Mrs. Bacchio or ourselfs. And we like them quite a bit. And so we don’t even care if we NEVER get to meet you or go for a ride with you or anything, as long as you stay alive and make sure that Jimmy does also. Of course we still want to meet you an awful lot, Superman. But if we can’t, then we’d rather not meet you because you’re alive than because you’re dead. So PLEASE be extra careful please.