The Kingdom Land (9 page)

He also thought of his mom. This hurt was deeper than
that which he felt towards his dad. He remembered her abandonment.
He had never found an answer to how anyone could be so cold hearted
as to simply leave her child. Even after the talk with John, the
feeling of brokenness toward her existed. The only reason he knew
there was a difference today was that he continued to think of her
instead of quickly wiping any thought of her away.

John had mentioned the love and forgiveness of Christ
was meant to be extended to others through his followers. John had
explained that since Christ had forgiven him, Erik would have to
forgive others. John said that people could and would hurt you, but
that you needed to depend on Christ for His healing power.
Regarding his mom, this wouldn't be easy.

It wouldn't be easy, but Erik began to see it as a
necessity. It was a necessity, not because John had talked about
forgiveness, but because his mother was his only tie to a real
family. He could talk about forgiving his dad and carry out that
process, but that would all happen to an empty stage. His mother
was alive. She was someone he could stand in front of and begin to
show how Christ had changed him. She was alive and real and, to
make his move to Christ tangible, it only made sense that this
would be the starting point. He didn't know how successful his
attempt would be after so many years. As the pickup left the
blacktop and entered the gravel road for the last six miles to the
Coopers, Erik formulated a plan to start that process.

But then his mind switched to the Coopers. He had
always known they cared. They had always tried to show how much
they cared. At the same time it was hard to accept their efforts.
First of all there was the matter of the land and farmhouse that he
lived in with his dad. Uncle Henry got it when his dad died. His
dad's farm was always too small to be profitable. He tried leasing
land, but the lease was too costly and drove him deeper into
debt.

When he died the bills were more than the land was
worth. Henry agreed with the bank to pay the bills and take the
land. His plan was to one day give that land and all of his land to
Erik. Henry never told Erik his plans. He wanted to wait until Erik
had learned to love the farm as he did. Later Erik found out Henry
struggled for years to pay those bills, but he got more land, and
land was king to a farmer.

And the farmhouse he and his dad lived in. The house
was a wreck and it never kept up once his mother left. The sheds
around the house were even worse, but they sat on five acres of
futile farm land. They sat empty for seven years, falling apart
even further, and doing no one any good. No one told Erik. No one
asked Erik, it was just one of many things hidden from Erik. One
day Uncle Henry hired workers to tear down the house and sheds. The
workers got the lumber from the house and Henry plowed the land
into crops. No one would even have known there was a house there
after the crops took over. Erik dreams were the only place that
house would be found.

It was only by chance years later that Erik drove by
the place and found out what happened. That was the day he moved
out to the bunkhouse.

Erik knew they hadn't taken him in for the land. Erik
rationalized they had little choice but to take him. Land or no
land Erik had no place else to go, and his aunt and uncle had to
take him.

Erik thought back to the early years with his aunt
and uncle. He had felt as if he were a stranger in their house, no
matter what they did to make him feel included. He remembered as a
kid he would sneak away as if he were a runaway. It's hard to be a
runaway when you were twenty-five miles from town and too young to
drive. He would go down to an old tin culvert on the road to
Fairfield. The culvert was big enough for him to sit in and escape.
The culvert was only yards away from the farmhouse, but in its
closed space Erik felt far away.

It was in this culvert that he began his dream life.
The feel of cold tin against his back took him far away from the
farm. In the culvert he couldn't see the land except the hole of
light at both ends. The ribbed metal looked as if it were a
different world of an exotic vehicle. The different world of this
place allowed him to dream.

Erik would dream for hours. He would fall into
self-pity as he thought of how unfair the world was to him. When
the self-pity turned to a cloud of depression, he turned to his
dreams. The dreams were of his dad and his love for Erik. In the
culvert he could almost feel the cool breezes by the mountain
beaver dams. His dreams never contained the amount of fish he
caught or the big one that he landed. The only figure he could see
was his dad. In the culvert his dad hadn't left him, and he was
almost close enough to touch.

His dreams took him to another world, a much better
land.

He was surprised when he came back to the farmhouse
after his attempts of “running away”. The Coopers seemed as if they
had never even realized he had left. Erik never knew how long he
stayed in the culvert. A watch was not necessary for a kid on the
farm. To him, his dreams were so enveloping he imaged himself gone
for days. He didn't know if he should feel hurt that they didn't
miss him or hurt that his world was so different from theirs.

It was these dreams that he would carry into his
teens and then early twenties. That culvert was his escape, and he
remembered those times as he drove to the farm now. It was time to
move beyond a hollow dream in a hollow tube. It was time for him to
talk to the Coopers as if they were his family. They were the only
family he had and he knew he had hurt them too long. It was time
for a change, more than just a night in a pickup or a talk in a
church. John said the simple task of the Christian was to love God
and his neighbor. It was time he made that a rule to the Coopers
and thanked them for their love.

The rest of the trip home was short, with only the
sounds of meshing gears and roaring motor. Just the idea that Erik
thought of this trip as going “home” made him realize that he
really had changed. Now that his decision was made, the sooner it
was carried out the better. The pickup sped up even when the road
went from blacktop pavement to gravel, and as he turned into the
Cooper's farm he was going so fast, the tools on the seat slammed
hard on the opposite door and Erik could feel his rear tires
sliding in a fishtail on the loose gravel.

He drove to the main house rather than stopping by
the bunkhouse to clean himself of last night's fight. As he walked
towards the house he pulled hard on his shirt in an attempt to
straighten any wrinkles.

Both his aunt and uncle met him at the door. Their
concern was evident on their faces. “Erik, what are you doing? You
just about took off the front gate. Did you forget where you lived
or something? Slow down.” Henry spoke first.

Mary spoke nearly simultaneously. “Erik, what's going
on? We didn't know what to think. We didn't know if we should call
the police or just get mad at you. Why didn't you call? And what's
happened to you,” she continued without even a breath. “Your face
is all swollen and cut and bruised.”

“
Fightin', is my guess,” Uncle Henry
answered before Erik could begin.

Erik stopped the volley of questions “Please, just
let me talk. It's been a long night, but I want to explain.”

They moved aside and followed him a little
bewilderedly into the kitchen.

Erik sat at the table and stared at his hands gripped
together, and wondered how to put words to something so personal.
How could he explain what happened without them judging him, and
thinking this was just another one if his dreams? He still didn't
know exactly what had happened, and he didn't know if they would
understand or not. They were godly people, but did they know his
God or just a church?

“
I know I look terrible, but don't
look at me,” he began. “Last night, something happened. I talked to
God last night.”

“
What did you talk about? Uncle
Henry asked.

Erik looked back to his hands when he heard this
question. He suddenly felt uncertain.

“
I told Him that I needed Him and
that I know I had turned my back on Him for too many years, but I
didn't expect Him to care about me ‘cause I'd never cared about
Him.”

“
And did God talk to you?” His uncle
asked.

“
No, He didn't, but, yes, He did. I
mean, I didn't hear a booming voice or anything, but I could almost
feel Him hold me like to say
its
okay.”

Uncle Henry reached across the table and placed his
hand on Erik's. The unforgiving farm work had twisted Henry's
fingers, but Erik only felt its warmth. It reminded him of the
warmth of God's touch last night. “Erik, thank you for telling us.
It's good to hear,” Uncle Henry said.

 

Erik recounted the events of late Saturday night and
Sunday morning to his aunt and uncle. They had hoped for this day
ever since they had taken Erik into their home. Their goal for Erik
had always been for him to learn the reality of Christ's love. They
had almost given up hope as Erik had gotten older and more hardened
in his isolation. They listened carefully as Erik erupted with an
outpouring of words for one of the first times they could
remember.

Erik went through every event carefully, making sure
he didn't miss a detail. He explained his conversation with John, a
man the Coopers were familiar with and trusted. Only when he came
to the part of forgiving his mother did darkness seem to come over
their faces.

“
I realize now that I need to
forgive,” Erik explained. “John said that God can't heal something
if we keep tearing it apart. Like picking at an old scab. That
makes sense. He also said that Jesus would help me as I tried to
forgive them. I want to try. I've thought about it on the way home,
and I know I need to try. It might be good if I went to Dad's grave
and talked to him there. I don't know.

“
I might have to think about this,
but I think I need to find her, my mother, Maggie.” This was the
first time Erik had used her name in years. “I though about it
coming home. At first I doubted if I should see her, but the more I
thought about it, the more I got excited. I guess the reason it's
so important to me is I can't talk to Dad. I can go to his grave,
but I can't talk with him. But, my mother… It seems important that
if I really have changed that I should be able to share that with
my parents, and my only parent is Mother.”

“
I sure agree with John,” said Uncle
Henry. “It'll be important to forgive, but don't rush on how you
will carry out that forgiveness. Forgive them in your heart and the
other outward statements of forgiveness can come with time. A lot
has happened and a long time has passed, so nothing needs to happen
in a day. I'd be glad to go with you this week to your father's
grave,” he offered.

“
Yeah, I know a lot has happened,
but I have blown it for so long. I need to make things right. I've
never known her, but maybe I need to know her now. Maybe that's
part of showing that a difference really did happen in my life.
Maybe I could even start over again and be a son to her, but I need
to see her first.”

“
Erik, let's talk about this later,”
Henry replied. “First, let's get you cleaned up and you can get a
good night's rest. You must be exhausted. You can make those
decisions when you're rested.”

“
No, Uncle Henry. I need to know
about her now. The more I thought about it, the more excited I got.
I need to do it now. I need to finish what started last night.”
Erik took a steadying breath. The lack of sleep was catching up
with him, making him on edge. Added in was the feeling that his
uncle, although sincere in his joy that Erik had come to Christ,
seemed strangely uncooperative in regards to Erik's mother. His
uncle's attitude made Erik all the more resolute. He tried to
explain, “I made a big step this morning, but I don't think it will
be a complete step until I've talked to my mother face to face. If
I'm going to change, I want to change completely.”

“
Good, Erik, but let's talk about
this after you get some rest.”

“
No,” Erik set his jaw and tone with
firmness. “What's the matter? Is there something you don't want me
to know? I'm not leaving you folks. I just need to talk to my
mother.”

“
Henry, maybe it would be good if we
talked with Erik today,” suggested Aunt Mary. “He needs to know,
and tomorrow won't be any different from today. I don't think he is
going to give up, and he's ready.”

Erik didn't know what to be ready for, but many
thoughts quickly ran through his mind. Henry hesitated, but finally
gave a slow nod.

“
Okay, we'll talk, but before I do,
I want you to remember things can be different now. Things
are
different now. There
is a God, Jesus Christ, that loves you. It's not a hopeless world,
and you're not caught in a hopeless situation. No matter what other
people do, God will never change. When things don't make sense,
don't just shut people off, turn to Him.”

Erik clasped his hands again and
looked away from his uncle.
I don't need a
lecture I just want to know about my mother.

Uncle Henry began, “After your mom left we found out
she went to San Francisco. We only found that out by chance when a
bill collector called on a loan we had co-signed with her. We
didn't directly hear anything from her for years. We tracked her
down when your dad died since they were officially still married.
We talked on the phone for maybe ten minutes at the most, but she
just hung up on us, saying that your dad had been forgotten. That
her marriage to him was long ago and a mistake. She gave her
address in case your dad had left her anything in his estate, which
of course there wasn't. We sent her several letters so she could
know how you were doing. After the first one they were just
returned to us unopened and marked, ‘return to sender'.