The Kingdom Land (18 page)

“
I think about my baby. Gracie,
let's say you're right and God didn't take my child, but the baby
died because of me one way or another. Maybe God didn't do it, but
if I hadn't let him rape me this wouldn't have
happened.”

“
Raped. My God!”

Gracie couldn't move fast, but fast enough to wrap
her arms around Laura before another word could be said.

The night before Laura tears had felt as though they
were ripping her apart. That day the tears mended, and they didn't
stop.

After uncounted minutes Gracie lowered her arms and
looked Laura straight in the eyes while softly brushing her tears
away. Without a word she turned and walked into Laura
apartment.

As in all days the heat of the land
grew to meet the morning air, and the wind stated its presence. A
gust whipped Laura's long hair against her face with the reminder
it was today and not the terrible past. Laura looked around as if
she would find someone, but she knew there was no one. Gracie's
touch had held her warm. Gracie was gone, but not her words.
“What type of God do you follow?”
Laura knew her God, Christ, had died so others
don't need to die. She also knew she needed to talk to Him. Laura
prayed as she stood, feeling the wind skim across her
face.

God, I'm so sorry. Gracie's right, you haven't done
terrible things. Terrible things happened, but you didn't cause
them and You didn't change from the loving God I always knew. Last
night that guy, Erik, reminded me that You still touch people's
lives. I guess I have to allow the possibility that You still love
me with the same fresh touch as the first day I met you. I heard
that hope in Erik's voice.

No, no. Your love is not a
possibility; it is the reality. Just because I don't feel the wind
one day doesn't mean the wind is gone. Everyone knows the wind will
return. Just because I don't feel You one day doesn't change the
certainty of Your presence.

All I have to do is feel at the
hugs of Gracie or hear the excitement of Erik and I know it's
You.

“
Girl are just going to stand out
there and let me do all the work?” Gracie yelled from the
cabin.

“
What are you doing? You walked away
without saying a word,” Laura asked as she followed Gracie to the
doorway, but Laura didn't forget her prayer.

Gracie had picked up a light box of socks and
intimates off the set of drawers and headed back to put it in the
pickup like she was part of the moving crew. “What was I supposed
to say? So I went to work rather than talking. There's too much
talking done, and not enough doing. In my book, doing is always
better than talking anyway. Doing makes a difference, talking can
make things worse.

“
I wouldn't know what to say anyway.
You just told me a horrible, sad event that happen to you, and I
could hardly breathe, let alone talk.

“
But you can't keep reliving that
day. If we kept talking you'd live it again.You've got to move on.
So, the only thing I can do is help you pack. Do you want this in
the back or front seat with you?”

“
The front will be fine.” Laura went
to opened the pickup door. They both worked until all her
belongings were out of the unit and into the pickup and Gracie
again took her position leaning on the die of the truck once again.
She needed the rest and to say her goodbyes.

“
Gracie, you're right.”

“
You say that like its some rare
occasion. I'm always right, and if you don't believe it I'll tell
you again, “Gracie said with a laugh.

“
It wasn't God's fault, and I really
don't know whose fault it was. The problem was I forgot He was the
one person I needed to turn to, and I didn't, and I've been so
lonely since.”

“
Thats good to know, but don't break
out in Christian talk thinking I'm going to be one. I don't need
all the guilt trips. I'm a sinner and I know it, and I know there
is a God somewhere, but I don't need a church full of Christians
telling me everything I'm doing wrong.”

“
But it's not about what you've done
wrong, but about how much He loves you.” Laura said.

“
That isn't what you were saying
last night, and I heard the same things from Christians for years
when I lived in the South. No thanks. Now about your apartment
you're leaving: I'll have to go through it with my white glove to
know if you're going to get any of your deposit back, and you know
you didn't give a proper two weeks notice. I've got people lined up
every day for that unit and I've been telling them no.”

Once again Gracie changed the subject, and Laura knew
there would be no more talking about God.

They both knew there was no deposit and the rooms
couldn't show more damage. Notice wasn't necessary for the almost
empty motel, and Laura smiled as Gracie reverted to her old
role.

“
I'll come back and visit one of
these days.”

“
No, you won't, so don't even say
you will. You just get that job, and be happy and once in a while
remember this cranky lady. If that God of yours really does listen
and you're on talking terms again you might send a prayer or two my
way.”

“
I'll guarantee that.”

Gracie lifted her weight from the pickup and shuffled
back to her room.

 

 

 

Chapter
Fourteen

E
rik’s only
problem driving home after his evening with Laura was keeping his
eyes open. He didn’t think of Laura, or his mother, or anything but
making sure the ditch didn’t meet his tires.

Once back at the bunkhouse Erik didn’t even bother to
undress. He remembered no dreams as he slept.

The next morning Erik awoke without feeling the cuts
in his face.

I have to fix those
blinds
. The light came freely through slats
that were misaligned by a pull string broken years earlier. Erik
could also hear the sound of a grinding stone in the nearby shop.
Uncle Henry probably had already been at work for hours, as he
never slept past 5:30. Out of total exhaustion, Erik had slept
until 8:30.

I have some explaining to do, and I
might as well apologize right now
. Right
now would have to wait until Erik took a shower to attempt to clean
off dirt from the last two days.The bunkhouse shower was a simple
stall with rust lining its corners. The shower head had most of its
holes plugged by the hard water’s calcium, but it served its
purpose. The water felt refreshing and Erik noticed even his back
felt better. No matter how good it felt Erik had other matters to
attend to. He exited the shower, toweled off, dressed and headed to
the shop and the noise of the grinder.

A steady stream of sparks flying from the grinder’s
wheel outlined Henry’s profile as he held a dulled plow’s shovel
against the grind stone with more pressure than necessary. The
display of sparks was solid and impressive. Erik had seen money
spent on fireworks for less of a show, but this was work and not a
show.

“
Don’t grind that too hard or you
won’t have anything left.”

“
Erik, sorry I’m being so loud. I
hope I didn’t wake you.”

Erik suspected that just the opposite was true. He
wanted to point out that sharp plow shovels wouldn’t made any
difference in the lifeless soil anyway, but he refrained. Instead,
he said, “I’m the one that should be saying I’m sorry.”

“
For what?” Uncle Henry
asked.

“
For getting mad at you about my mom
and calling you a liar. It’s my mom’s fault, not yours. You and
Aunt Mary have always tried to protect me, and I should have
thanked you rather than storming out of the house.”

“
Apology accepted, if you accept
mine for not telling you earlier. You were right. You’re an adult
and I should have told you years ago. Sometimes we might try to
protect you too much. Where did you go after you left us?” There
was true curiosity in Henry’s voice. There was much he didn’t know
about Erik. They lived on the same farm for decades, but they still
didn’t know each other’s lives.

“
I went to the mountains, Chief
Mountain. I thought a lot. I don’t know a lot about Christ yet, but
I do know He cares about me, and I’ve got a lot of work to do to
get my life straight. I guess I also came to the realization that
He would help me if I allowed Him to.”

“
Sounds to me you know a whole lot.
If you know what you said, there’s not much else you need.” And
with that, nothing else was to be said between the two
men.

Instead they turned to the one bond they shared,
work. Erik filled the big diesel storage tank in the back of the
pickup and pumped the grease guns full. He put two of the plow
shovels Henry had just sharpened for spares in the bed of the
pickup and made sure the crescent wrench was in the truck.

“
Erik, you know you don’t have to go
to work today. Why don’t you catch up on some rest, but I wouldn’t
go too close to the house,” he added in caution, ”Mary isn’t going
to let you get off without a hundred questions. She care’s about
you and for a woman, I guess that means she’ll worry herself sick
until she knows everything. Mary doesn’t want to pry, well maybe
she does, but she can’t help herself. She wants to,
we
want to make sure that
you get to know how great a God you serve.”

“
Yeah, there’s a lot I need to get
straight in my own head. I was trying to put into words everything
that has happened, but I don’t even know how to explain
it.

“
As far as taking the day off; I’m
fine. If I start getting tired, I’ll come back. I promised to get
the field done by this weekend, and I want to honor my
word.”

“
Erik, take your time with the field
and don’t worry about us. If I know you, you’ll talk when you get
things get sorted out. But, if things get confusing, don’t hesitate
to come to us. We’re here to help, not to run your life.” Henry
broke into a wide smile and laughed. “We know you’re going to do
want you want anyway. You always have.”

Erik grinned, but didn’t laugh. Again enough had been
said. ”I’ll never get those fields done if I hang around here all
day.” The grease gun he threw bounced hard off the box of the
pickup, producing a scowl from Uncle Henry.

It wasn’t long before Erik was behind the wheel of
the giant diesel watching the plow’s shovel digging deep and
breaking the soil. He twisted sideways in the seat that did not
turn and found his familiar spot. In this spot, he could watch the
plow and at the same time see what lay ahead. In the midst of his
hatred of the land, it gave him purpose. His task was to keep the
plow tracking flush to the previous row. It was routine. It was
easy, and he glanced to the rest of the farm. The only sign of life
was the shadow of the tractor that churned round after round making
no obvious difference except to raise more dust to choke the air.
The sun was Erik’s only companion and that was the way he wanted it
that day.

In normal years Erik plowed the land in hope for a
bumper crop for that year and the next. This year the crops didn’t
need plowing, but only rain. The crops had long ago dried brown to
match the land. Erik churned the soil anyway because that was what
he was sent to do. Almost in defiance to the sun he methodically
traced smaller and smaller circles around the field. Erik moved the
tractor like a soldier on guard pacing before a destroyed village,
not knowing why he was there but doggedly continuing his assigned
task.

He had followed the same path and the same routine
for the past eleven years. Little had changed for those years,
until last weekend. It seemed like more had changed in the past
week than in the past eleven years combined. That day he was
satisfied to merely plow and let the sound of the tractor drown out
his thoughts.

God, I wish I could get a crash course in how you
work and what this all means. It seemed so simple when I was
talking to John that first day at the Glacier.

When I was talking to John, I had a mom. I know she
wasn’t much of a parent, and I can’t remember ever talking with
her, but she was a parent. In my mind I still had someone I could
call Mom. I felt like I belonged to someone. Now I’m an orphan. An
orphan that doesn’t belong to anyone.

And Laura meant there was a chance
to be with someone. Now, I don’t have a clue what to think of
Laura. I dreamt of her so often in the bunkhouse that it’s strange
that she is someone real now. If my meeting her at the Point was
part of Your plan it would be nice to know that for sure. Maybe it
was just an accident, but I’ll need a lot of time in the bunkhouse
to sort this out. I hope You don’t mind
listening
.

Instinctively, or by God’s nudge, Erik didn’t want to
tell anyone about Laura. It was too complicated for him to even
know what to say. He had never been around women, other than Aunt
Mary, let alone try to figure them out. Erik didn’t know if he was
attracted to her or to his old dreams. He didn’t know anything
about her, especially after that last outburst. At the same time he
couldn’t quit thinking about her.

What are the chances that Laura
would be a Christian? Then just when I had wondered if I ever could
be close to someone she was the only other person at the place I
stopped. That’s pretty strange. Gotta wonder if it is
God
.