The Inspector-General (9 page)

KHLESTAKOV. What orders?

JUDGE. I mean, would you like to give orders for the district court
here?

KHLESTAKOV. What for? I have nothing to do with the court now. No,
nothing. Thank you very much.

AMMOS
(bowing and leaving. Aside.)
. Now the town is ours.

KHLESTAKOV. The Judge is a fine fellow.

Khlestakov and the Postmaster.

POSTMASTER
(in uniform, sword in hand. Drawing himself up)
. I have the
honor to present myself—Postmaster, Court Councilor Shpekin.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to meet you. I like pleasant company very much.
Take a seat. Do you live here all the time?

POSTMASTER. Yes, sir. Quite so.

KHLESTAKOV. I like this little town. Of course, there aren't many
people. It's not very lively. But what of it? It isn't the capital.
Isn't that so—it isn't the capital?

POSTMASTER. Quite so, quite so.

KHLESTAKOV. It's only in the capital that you find bon-ton and not a lot
of provincial lubbers. What is your opinion? Isn't that so?

POSTMASTER. Quite so.
(Aside.)
He isn't a bit proud. He inquires about
everything.

KHLESTAKOV. And yet you'll admit that one can live happily in a little
town.

POSTMASTER. Quite so.

KHLESTAKOV. In my opinion what you want is this—you want people to
respect you and to love you sincerely. Isn't that so?

POSTMASTER. Exactly.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad you agree with me. Of course, they call me queer.
But that's the kind of character I am.
(Looking him in the face and
talking to himself.)
I think I'll ask this postmaster for a loan.
(Aloud.)
A strange accident happened to me and I ran out of cash on the
road. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

POSTMASTER. Of course. I shall esteem it a piece of great good fortune.
I am ready to serve you with all my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much. I must say, I hate like the devil to
deny myself on the road. And why should I? Isn't that so?

POSTMASTER. Quite so.
(Rises, draws himself up, with his sword in his
hand.)
I'll not venture to disturb you any more. Would you care to make
any remarks about the post office administration?

KHLESTAKOV. No, nothing.

The Postmaster bows and goes out.

KHLESTAKOV
(lighting a cigar)
. It seems to me the Postmaster is a fine
fellow, too. He's certainly obliging. I like people like that.

Khlestakov and Luka Lukich, who is practically pushed in on the stage.
A voice behind him is heard saying nearly aloud, "Don't be
chickenhearted."

LUKA
(drawing himself up, trembling, with his hand on his sword)
. I
have the honor to present myself—School Inspector, Titular Councilor
Khlopov.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm glad to see you. Take a seat, take a seat. Will you have
a cigar?
(Offers him a cigar.)

LUKA
(to himself, hesitating)
. There now! That's something I hadn't
anticipated. To take or not to take?

KHLESTAKOV. Take it, take it. It's a pretty good cigar. Of course not
what you get in St. Petersburg. There I used to smoke twenty-five cent
cigars. You feel like kissing yourself after having smoked one of them.
Here, light it.
(Hands him a candle.)

Luka Lukich tries to light the cigar shaking all over.

KHLESTAKOV. Not that end, the other.

LUKA
(drops the cigar from fright, spits and shakes his hands. Aside)
.
Confound it! My damned timidity has ruined me!

KHLESTAKOV. I see you are not a lover of cigars. I confess smoking is my
weakness—smoking and the fair sex. Not for the life of me can I remain
indifferent to the fair sex. How about you? Which do you like more,
brunettes or blondes?

Luka Lukich remains silent, at a complete loss what to say.

KHLESTAKOV. Tell me frankly, brunettes or blondes?

LUKA. I don't dare to know.

KHLESTAKOV. No, no, don't evade. I'm bound to know your taste.

LUKA. I venture to report to you—
(Aside.)
I don't know what I'm saying.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you don't want to say. I suppose some little brunette or
other has cast a spell over you. Confess, she has, hasn't she?

Luka Lukich remains silent.

KHLESTAKOV. Ah, you're blushing. You see. Why don't you speak?

LUKA. I'm scared, your Hon—High—Ex—
(Aside.)
Done for! My confounded
tongue has undone me!

KHLESTAKOV. You're scared? There IS something awe-inspiring in my eyes,
isn't there? At least I know not a single woman can resist them. Isn't
that so?

LUKA. Exactly.

KHLESTAKOV. A strange thing happened to me on the road. I ran entirely
out of cash. Can you lend me three hundred rubles?

LUKA
(clutching his pockets. Aside)
. A fine business if I haven't got
the money! I have! I have!
(Takes out the bills and gives them to him,
trembling.)

KHLESTAKOV. Thank you very much.

LUKA
(drawing himself up, with his hand on his sword)
. I will not
venture to disturb you with my presence any longer.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by.

LUKA
(dashes out almost at a run, saying aside.)
Well, thank the Lord!
Maybe he won't inspect the schools.

Khlestakov and Artemy Filippovich.

ARTEMY
(enters and draws himself up, his hand on his sword)
. I have the
honor to present myself—Superintendent of Charities, Court Councilor
Zemlianika.

KHLESTAKOV. Howdeedo? Please sit down.

ARTEMY. I had the honor of receiving you and personally conducting you
through the philanthropic institutions committed to my care.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I remember. You treated me to a dandy lunch.

ARTEMY. I am glad to do all I can in behalf of my country.

KHLESTAKOV. I admit, my weakness is a good cuisine.—Tell me, please,
won't you—it seems to me you were a little shorter yesterday, weren't
you?

ARTEMY. Quite possible.
(After a pause.)
I may say I spare myself no
pains and perform the duties of my office with the utmost zeal.
(Draws
his chair closer and speaks in a lowered tone.)
There's the postmaster,
for example, he does absolutely nothing. Everything is in a fearful
state of neglect. The mail is held up. Investigate for yourself, if you
please, and you will see. The Judge, too, the man who was here just now,
does nothing but hunt hares, and he keeps his dogs in the court
rooms, and his conduct, if I must confess—and for the benefit of the
fatherland, I must confess, though he is my relative and friend—his
conduct is in the highest degree reprehensible. There is a squire here
by the name of Dobchinsky, whom you were pleased to see. Well, the
moment Dobchinsky leaves the house, the Judge is there with Dobchinsky's
wife. I can swear to it. You just take a look at the children. Not one
of them resembles Dobchinsky. All of them, even the little girl, are the
very image of the Judge.

KHLESTAKOV. You don't say so. I never imagined it.

ARTEMY. Then take the School Inspector here. I don't know how the
government could have entrusted him with such an office. He's worse than
a Jacobin freethinker, and he instils such pernicious ideas into the
minds of the young that I can hardly describe it. Hadn't I better put it
all down on paper, if you so order?

KHLESTAKOV. Very well, why not? I should like it very much. I like to
kill the weary hours reading something amusing, you know. What is your
name? I keep forgetting.

ARTEMY. Zemlianika.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, Zemlianika. Tell me, Mr. Zemlianika, have you any
children?

ARTEMY. Of course. Five. Two are already grown up.

KHLESTAKOV. You don't say! Grown up! And how are they—how are
they—a—a?

ARTEMY. You mean that you deign to ask what their names are?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, what are their names?

ARTEMY. Nikolay, Ivan, Yelizaveta, Marya and Perepetuya.

KHLESTAKOV. Good.

ARTEMY. I don't venture to disturb you any longer with my presence
and rob you of your time dedicated to the performance of your sacred
duties—
(Bows and makes to go.)

KHLESTAKOV
(escorting him)
. Not at all. What you told me is all very
funny. Call again, please. I like that sort of thing very much.
(Turns
back and reopens the door, calling.)
I say, there! What is your—I
keep forgetting. What is your first name and your patronymic?

ARTEMY. Artemy Filippovich.

KHLESTAKOV. Do me a favor, Artemy Filippovich. A curious accident
happened to me on the road. I've run entirely out of cash. Have you four
hundred rubles to lend me?

ARTEMY. I have.

KHLESTAKOV. That comes in pat. Thank you very much.

Khlestakov, Bobchinsky, and Dobchinsky.

BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to present myself—a resident of this town,
Piotr, son of Ivan Bobchinsky.

DOBCHINSKY. I am Piotr, son of Ivan Dobchinsky, a squire.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, I've met you before. I believe you fell? How's your
nose?

BOBCHINSKY. It's all right. Please don't trouble. It's dried up, dried
up completely.

KHLESTAKOV. That's nice. I'm glad it's dried up.
(Suddenly and
abruptly.)
Have you any money?

DOBCHINSKY. Money? How's that—money?

KHLESTAKOV. A thousand rubles to lend me.

BOBCHINSKY. Not so much as that, honest to God I haven't. Have you,
Piotr Ivanovich?

DOBCHINSKY. I haven't got it with me, because my money—I beg to inform
you—is deposited in the State Savings Bank.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, if you haven't a thousand, then a hundred.

BOBCHINSKY
(fumbling in his pockets)
. Have you a hundred rubles, Piotr
Ivanovich? All I have is forty.

DOBCHINSKY
(examining his pocket-book)
. I have only twenty-five.

BOBCHINSKY. Look harder, Piotr Ivanovich. I know you have a hole in your
pocket, and the money must have dropped down into it somehow.

DOBCHINSKY. No, honestly, there isn't any in the hole either.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, never mind. I merely mentioned the matter. Sixty-five
will do.
(Takes the money.)

DOBCHINSKY. May I venture to ask a favor of you concerning a very
delicate matter?

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

DOBCHINSKY. It's a matter of an extremely delicate nature. My oldest
son—I beg to inform you—was born before I was married.

KHLESTAKOV. Indeed?

DOBCHINSKY. That is, only in a sort of way. He is really my son, just
as if he had been born in wedlock. I made up everything afterwards,
set everything right, as it should be, with the bonds of matrimony,
you know. Now, I venture to inform you, I should like to have him
altogether—that is, I should like him to be altogether my legitimate
son and be called Dobchinsky the same as I.

KHLESTAKOV. That's all right. Let him be called Dobchinsky. That's
possible.

DOBCHINSKY. I shouldn't have troubled you; but it's a pity, he is such
a talented youngster. He gives the greatest promise. He can recite
different poems by heart; and whenever he gets hold of a penknife,
he makes little carriages as skilfully as a conjurer. Here's Piotr
Ivanovich. He knows. Am I not right?

BOBCHINSKY. Yes, the lad is very talented.

KHLESTAKOV. All right, all right. I'll try to do it for you. I'll speak
to—I hope—it'll be done, it'll all be done. Yes, yes.
(Turning to
Bobchinsky.)
Have you anything you'd like to say to me?

BOBCHINSKY. Why, of course. I have a most humble request to make.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

BOBCHINSKY. I beg your Highness or your Excellency most worshipfully,
when you get back to St. Petersburg, please tell all the high personages
there, the senators and the admirals, that Piotr Ivanovich Bobchinsky
lives in this town. Say this: "Piotr Ivanovich lives there."

KHLESTAKOV. Very well.

BOBCHINSKY. And if you should happen to speak to the Czar, then tell
him, too: "Your Majesty," tell him, "Your Majesty, Piotr Ivanovich
Bobchinsky lives in this town."

KHLESTAKOV. Very well.

BOBCHINSKY. Pardon me for having troubled you with my presence.

KHLESTAKOV. Not at all, not at all. It was my pleasure.
(Sees them to
the door.)

KHLESTAKOV
(alone)
. My, there are a lot of officials here. They seem to
be taking me for a government functionary. To be sure, I threw dust in
their eyes yesterday. What a bunch of fools! I'll write all about it to
Triapichkin in St. Petersburg. He'll write them up in the papers. Let
him give them a nice walloping.—Ho, Osip, give me paper and ink.

OSIP
(looking in at the door)
. D'rectly.

KHLESTAKOV. Anybody gets caught in Triapichkin's tongue had better look
out. For the sake of a witticism he wouldn't spare his own father. They
are good people though, these officials. It's a nice trait of theirs to
lend me money. I'll just see how much it all mounts up to. Here's
three hundred from the Judge and three hundred from the Postmaster—six
hundred, seven hundred, eight hundred—What a greasy bill!—Eight
hundred, nine hundred.—Oho! Rolls up to more than a thousand! Now, if I
get you, captain, now! We'll see who'll do whom!

Khlestakov and Osip entering with paper and ink.

KHLESTAKOV. Now, you simpleton, you see how they receive and treat me.
(Begins to write.)

OSIP. Yes, thank God! But do you know what, Ivan Aleksandrovich?

KHLESTAKOV. What?

OSIP. Leave this place. Upon my word, it's time.

KHLESTAKOV
(writing)
. What nonsense! Why?

OSIP. Just so. God be with them. You've had a good time here for two
days. It's enough. What's the use of having anything more to do with
them? Spit on them. You don't know what may happen. Somebody else may
turn up. Upon my word, Ivan Aleksandrovich. And the horses here are
fine. We'll gallop away like a breeze.