The Inspector-General (6 page)

GOVERNOR
(aside)
. He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never
trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it
seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll make
you talk. I'll make you tell me things.
(Aloud.)
You were quite right
in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way
place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard
for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't
know when it's coming.
(He looks round the room.)
This room seems rather
damp.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! I've never experienced
anything like them. They bite like dogs.

GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected
to such annoyance at the hands of—whom? Of vile bugs which should never
have been born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of
not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something—read a bit, or,
if the fancy strikes me, write something.—I can't. It's a dark room,
yes, very dark.

GOVERNOR. I wonder if I might be bold enough to ask you—but, no, I'm
unworthy.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

GOVERNOR. No, no, I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy.

KHLESTAKOV. But what is it?

GOVERNOR. If I might be bold enough—I have a fine room for you at
home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don't
be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my
heart.

KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, I accept your invitation with pleasure.
I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this
disreputable tavern.

GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It's my
character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood,
especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I say
this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the
fullness of my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced
people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness exceedingly. And I am
free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem—esteem and
devotion.

The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at
the door.

SERVANT. Did your Honor wish anything?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill.

SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while ago.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, I can't remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the
whole comes to.

SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day
you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.

KHLESTAKOV. Fool!
(Starts to count it all up now.)
How much is it
altogether?

GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can wait.
(To the Servant.)
Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course.
(He puts the money in his
pocket.)

The Servant goes out. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

The Governor, Khlestakov and Dobchinsky.

GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town
now—the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?

KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see?

GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run—the order in which we keep
them.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm ready.

Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.

GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the
district school and see our method of education.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please.

GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and
prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the
philanthropic institutions.

GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or
with me in the cab?

KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you.

GOVERNOR
(to Dobchinsky)
. Now there'll be no room for you, Piotr
Ivanovich.

DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk.

GOVERNOR
(aside, to Dobchinsky)
. Listen. Run as fast as you can and take
two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife.
(To
Khlestakov.)
May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write
a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored
guest?

KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I
don't know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?

GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do.
(Writes, talking to himself at the
same time.)
We'll see how things will go after lunch and several
stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look
at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he
is and how much I have to be [on] my guard.

He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter
walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky
tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky
rises.

KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing—nothing at all—only a little bruise on my
nose. I'll run in to Dr. Hübner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll
soon pass away.

GOVERNOR
(making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov)
. Oh,
it's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant
to carry your luggage over.
(Calls Osip.)
Here, my good fellow, take all
your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will tell you
where it is. By your leave, sir.
(Makes way for Khlestakov and follows
him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.)
Couldn't you find
some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!

Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.

SCENE: The same as in Act I.

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna standing at the window in the same
positions as at the end of Act I.

ANNA. There now! We've been waiting a whole hour. All on account of your
silly prinking. You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep
on dawdling.—Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though on purpose, as
though the whole world were dead.

MARYA. Now really, mamma, we shall know all about it in a minute or two.
Avdotya must come back soon.
(Looks out of the window and exclaims.)
Oh,
mamma, someone is coming—there down the street!

ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!—Why, yes, someone is coming.
I wonder who it is. A short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The
suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder.

MARYA. Dobchinsky, mamma.

ANNA. Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It's not Dobchinsky at all.
(Waves her handkerchief.)
Ho, you! Come here! Quick!

MARYA. It is Dobchinsky, mamma.

ANNA. Of course, you've got to contradict. I tell you, it's not
Dobchinsky.

MARYA. Well, well, mamma? Isn't it Dobchinsky?

ANNA. Yes, it is, I see now. Why do you argue about it?
(Calls through
the window.)
Hurry up, quick! You're so slow. Well, where are they?
What? Speak from where you are. It's all the same. What? He is very
strict? Eh? And how about my husband?
(Moves away a little from the
window, exasperated.)
He is so stupid. He won't say a word until he is
in the room.

Enter Dobchinsky.

ANNA. Now tell me, aren't you ashamed? You were the only one I relied
on to act decently. They all ran away and you after them, and till now
I haven't been able to find out a thing. Aren't you ashamed? I stood
godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is the way you treat
me.

DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, upon my word, I ran so fast to pay my respects to
you that I'm all out of breath. How do you do, Marya Antonovna?

MARYA. Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich.

ANNA. Well, tell me all about it. What is happening at the inn?

DOBCHINSKY. I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich.

ANNA. But who is he? A general?

DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general, I
tell you. Such culture! Such dignified manners!

ANNA. Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband got a letter about.

DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and I who first discovered
him.

ANNA. Tell me, tell me all about it.

DOBCHINSKY. It's all right now, thank the Lord. At first he received
Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He was angry and said the inn was not
run properly, and he wouldn't come to the Governor's house and he didn't
want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he found out
that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and they got to talking more
intimately, he changed right away, and, thank Heaven, everything went
well. They've gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. I
confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun to suspect that a secret
denunciation had been lodged against him. I myself was trembling a
little, too.

ANNA. What have you to be afraid of? You're not an official.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a Grand Mogul speaks, you feel afraid.

ANNA. That's all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like personally? Is he
young or old?

DOBCHINSKY. Young—a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as
if he were older. "If you will allow me," he says, "I will go there
and there."
(Waves his hands.)
He does it all with such distinction. "I
like," he says, "to read and write, but I am prevented because my room
is rather dark."

ANNA. And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair?

DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart
about like little animals. They make you nervous.

ANNA. Let me see what my husband writes.
(Reads.)
"I hasten to let you
know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying
on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one
ruble and twenty-five kopeks."
(Stops.)
I don't understand. What have
pickles and caviar got to do with it?

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap
paper. There's a kind of bill on it.

ANNA. Oh, yes, I see.
(Goes on reading.)
"But relying on the mercy
of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready
quickly for the distinguished guest—the one with the gold wall paper.
Don't bother to get any extras for dinner because we'll have something
at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and
tell Abdulin to send the best, or I'll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss
your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky."
Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who's there? Mishka?

DOBCHINSKY
(Runs to the door and calls.)
Mishka! Mishka! Mishka!
(Mishka
enters.)

ANNA. Listen! Run over to Abdulin—wait, I'll give you a note.
(She
sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while.)
Give this to
Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back
the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for
a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and
everything else.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, I'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the
inspecting.

ANNA. Go on, I'm not keeping you.

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

ANNA. Now, Mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He's a metropolitan
swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue
dress with the little flounces. It's the most becoming.

MARYA. The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't bear it.
Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika's daughter. I'd
rather wear my flowered dress.

ANNA. Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You'll look
lots better in blue because I'm going to wear my dun-colored dress. I
love dun-color.

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it isn't a bit becoming to you.

ANNA. What, dun-color isn't becoming to me?

MARYA. No, not a bit. I'm positive it isn't. One's eyes must be quite
dark to go with dun-color.

ANNA. That's nice! And aren't my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be.
What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always
draw the queen of clubs.

MARYA. Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.

ANNA. Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts.
(She
goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes.)
The ideas
she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of
that?

As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the
stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.

Mishka and Osip.

OSIP. Where is this to go?

MISHKA. In here, in here.

OSIP. Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an
empty stomach any load seems heavy.

MISHKA. Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?

OSIP. What general?

MISHKA. Your master.

OSIP. My master? What sort of a general is he?

MISHKA. Isn't he a general?

OSIP. Yes, he's a general, only the other way round.

MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than a real general?

OSIP. Higher.

MISHKA. Gee whiz! That's why they are raising such a racket about him
here.

OSIP. Look here, young man, I see you're a smart fellow. Get me
something to eat, won't you?