The Inspector-General (11 page)

KHLESTAKOV
(kisses her shoulder and looks through the window)
. It's a
magpie.

MARYA
(rises indignantly)
. No, that's too much—Such rudeness, such
impertinence.

KHLESTAKOV
(holding her back)
. Forgive me, mademoiselle. I did it only
out of love—only out of love, nothing else.

MARYA. You take me for a silly provincial wench.
(Struggles to go away.)

KHLESTAKOV
(still holding her back)
. It's out of love, really—out of
love. It was just a little fun. Marya Antonovna, don't be angry. I'm
ready to beg your forgiveness on my knees.
(Falls on his knees.)
Forgive
me, do forgive me! You see, I am on my knees.

The same and Anna Andreyevna.

ANNA
(seeing Khlestakov on his knees)
. Oh, what a situation!

KHLESTAKOV
(rising)
. Oh, the devil!

ANNA
(to Marya)
. What does this mean? What does this behavior mean?

MARYA. I, mother—

ANNA. Go away from here. Do you hear? And don't you dare to show your
face to me.
(Marya goes out in tears.)
Excuse me. I must say I'm greatly
astonished.

KHLESTAKOV
(aside)
. She's very appetizing, too. She's not bad-looking,
either.
(Flings himself on his knees.)
Madam, you see I am burning with
love.

ANNA. What! You on your knees? Please get up, please get up. This floor
isn't very clean.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I must be on my knees before you. I must. Pronounce the
verdict. Is it life or death?

ANNA. But please—I don't quite understand the significance of your
words. If I am not mistaken, you are making a proposal for my daughter.

KHLESTAKOV. No, I am in love with you. My life hangs by a thread. If you
don't crown my steadfast love, then I am not fit to exist in this world.
With a burning flame in my bosom, I pray for your hand.

ANNA. But please remember I am in a certain way—married.

KHLESTAKOV. That's nothing. Love knows no distinction. It was Karamzin
who said: "The laws condemn." We will fly in the shadow of a brook. Your
hand! I pray for your hand!

The same and Marya Antonovna.

MARYA
(running in suddenly)
. Mamma, papa says you should—
(seeing
Khlestakov on his knees, exclaims:)
Oh, what a situation!

ANNA. Well, what do you want? Why did you come in here? What for? What
sort of flightiness is this? Breaks in like a cat leaping out of smoke.
Well, what have you found so wonderful? What's gotten into your head
again? Really, she behaves like a child of three. She doesn't act a bit
like a girl of eighteen, not a bit. I don't know when you'll get more
sense into your head, when you'll behave like a decent, well-bred girl,
when you'll know what good manners are and a proper demeanor.

MARYA
(through her tears)
. Mamma, I really didn't know—

ANNA. There's always a breeze blowing through your head. You act like
Liapkin-Tiapkin's daughter. Why should you imitate them? You shouldn't
imitate them. You have other examples to follow. You have your mother
before you. She's the example to follow.

KHLESTAKOV
(seizing Marya's hand)
. Anna Andreyevna, don't oppose our
happiness. Give your blessing to our constant love.

ANNA
(in surprise)
. So it's in her you are—

KHLESTAKOV. Decide—life or death?

ANNA. Well, there, you fool, you see? Our guest is pleased to go down on
his knees for such trash as you. You, running in suddenly as if you
were out of your mind. Really, it would be just what you deserve, if I
refused. You are not worthy of such happiness.

MARYA. I won't do it again, mamma, really I won't.

The same and the Governor in precipitate haste.

GOVERNOR. Your Excellency, don't ruin me, don't ruin me.

KHLESTAKOV. What's the matter?

GOVERNOR. The merchants have complained to your Excellency. I assure you
on my honor that not one half of what they said is so. They themselves
are cheats. They give short measure and short weight. The officer's
widow lied to you when she said I flogged her. She lied, upon my word,
she lied. She flogged herself.

KHLESTAKOV. The devil take the officer's widow. What do I care about the
officer's widow.

GOVERNOR. Don't believe them, don't believe them. They are rank liars; a
mere child wouldn't believe them. They are known all over town as liars.
And as for cheating, I venture to inform you that there are no swindlers
like them in the whole of creation.

ANNA. Do you know what honor Ivan Aleksandrovich is bestowing upon us?
He is asking for our daughter's hand.

GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? Mother has lost her wits. Please
do not be angry, your Excellency. She has a touch of insanity. Her
mother was like that, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I am really asking for your daughter's hand. I am in
love with her.

GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it, your Excellency.

ANNA. But when you are told!

KHLESTAKOV. I am not joking. I could go crazy, I am so in love.

GOVERNOR. I daren't believe it. I am unworthy of such an honor.

KHLESTAKOV. If you don't consent to give me your daughter Marya
Antonovna's hand, then I am ready to do the devil knows what.

GOVERNOR. I cannot believe it. You deign to joke, your Excellency.

ANNA. My, what a blockhead! Really! When you are told over and over
again!

GOVERNOR. I can't believe it.

KHLESTAKOV. Give her to me, give her to me! I am a desperate man and
I may do anything. If I shoot myself, you will have a law-suit on your
hands.

GOVERNOR. Oh, my God! I am not guilty either in thought or in action.
Please do not be angry. Be pleased to act as your mercy wills. Really,
my head is in such a state I don't know what is happening. I have turned
into a worse fool than I've ever been in my life.

ANNA. Well, give your blessing.

Khlestakov goes up to Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. May God bless you, but I am not guilty.
(Khlestakov kisses
Marya. The Governor looks at them.)
What the devil! It's really so.
(Rubs his eyes.)
They are kissing. Oh, heavens! They are kissing.
Actually to be our son-in-law!
(Cries out, jumping with glee.)
Ho,
Anton! Ho, Anton! Ho, Governor! So that's the turn events have taken!

The same and Osip.

OSIP. The horses are ready.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh! All right. I'll come presently.

GOVERNOR. What's that? Are you leaving?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm going.

GOVERNOR. Then when—that is—I thought you were pleased to hint at a
wedding.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh—for one minute only—for one day—to my uncle, a rich
old man. I'll be back tomorrow.

GOVERNOR. We would not venture, of course, to hold you back, and we hope
for your safe return.

KHLESTAKOV. Of course, of course, I'll come back at once. Good-by, my
dear—no, I simply can't express my feelings. Good-by, my heart.
(Kisses
Marya's hand.)

GOVERNOR. Don't you need something for the road? It seems to me you were
pleased to be short of cash.

KHLESTAKOV, Oh, no, what for?
(After a little thought.)
However, if you
like.

GOVERNOR. How much will you have?

KHLESTAKOV. You gave me two hundred then, that is, not two hundred, but
four hundred—I don't want to take advantage of your mistake—you might
let me have the same now so that it should be an even eight hundred.

GOVERNOR. Very well.
(Takes the money out of his pocket-book.)
The notes
happen to be brand-new, too, as though on purpose.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes.
(Takes the bills and looks at them.)
That's good.
They say new money means good luck.

GOVERNOR. Quite right.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich. I am very much obliged to you for
your hospitality. I admit with all my heart that I have never got such
a good reception anywhere. Good-by, Anna Andreyevna. Good-by, my
sweet-heart, Marya Antonovna.

All go out.

Behind the Scenes.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, angel of my soul, Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. What's that? You are going in a plain mail-coach?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, I'm used to it. I get a headache from a carriage with
springs.

POSTILION. Ho!

GOVERNOR. Take a rug for the seat at least. If you say so, I'll tell
them to bring a rug.

KHLESTAKOV. No, what for? It's not necessary. However, let them bring a
rug if you please.

GOVERNOR. Ho, Avdotya. Go to the store-room and bring the very best rug
from there, the Persian rug with the blue ground. Quick!

POSTILION. Ho!

GOVERNOR. When do you say we are to expect you back?

KHLESTAKOV. Tomorrow, or the day after.

OSIP. Is this the rug? Give it here. Put it there. Now put some hay on
this side.

POSTILION. Ho!

OSIP. Here, on this side. More. All right. That will be fine.
(Beats the
rug down with his hand.)
Now take the seat, your Excellency.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Good-by, your Excellency.

ANNA, MARYA
(Together)
. Good-by, Ivan Aleksandrovich.

KHLESTAKOV. Good-by, mother.

POSTILION. Get up, my boys!

The bell rings and the curtain drops.

SCENE: Same as in Act IV.

Governor, Anna Andreyevna, and Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. Well, Anna Andreyevna, eh? Did you ever imagine such a thing?
Such a rich prize? I'll be—. Well, confess frankly, it never occurred
to you even in your dreams, did it? From just a simple governor's wife
suddenly—whew!—I'll be hanged!—to marry into the family of such a big
gun.

ANNA. Not at all. I knew it long ago. It seems wonderful to you because
you are so plain. You never saw decent people.

GOVERNOR. I'm a decent person myself, mother. But, really, think, Anna
Andreyevna, what gay birds we have turned into now, you and I. Eh, Anna
Andreyevna? High fliers, by Jove! Wait now, I'll give those fellows who
were so eager to present their petitions and denunciations a peppering.
Ho, who's there?
(Enter a Sergeant.)
Is it you, Ivan Karpovich? Call
those merchants here, brother, won't you? I'll give it to them, the
scoundrels! To make such complaints against me! The damned pack of Jews!
Wait, my dear fellows. I used to dose you down to your ears. Now I'll
dose you down to your beards. Make a list of all who came to protest
against me, especially the mean petty scribblers who cooked the
petitions up for them, and announce to all that they should know what
honor the Heavens have bestowed upon the Governor, namely this: that he
is marrying his daughter, not to a plain ordinary man, but to one the
like of whom has never yet been in the world, who can do everything,
everything, everything, everything! Proclaim it to all so that everybody
should know. Shout it aloud to the whole world. Ring the bell, the devil
take it! It is a triumph, and we will make it a triumph.
(The Sergeant
goes out.)
So that's the way, Anna Andreyevna, eh? What shall we do now?
Where shall we live? Here or in St. Pete?

ANNA. In St. Petersburg, of course. How could we remain here?

GOVERNOR. Well, if St. Pete, then St. Pete. But it would be good here,
too. I suppose the governorship could then go to the devil, eh, Anna
Andreyevna?

ANNA. Of course. What's a governorship?

GOVERNOR. Don't you think, Anna Andreyevna, I can rise to a high rank
now, he being hand in glove with all the ministers, and visiting the
court? In time I can be promoted to a generalship. What do you think,
Anna Andreyevna? Can I become a general?

ANNA. I should say so. Of course you can.

GOVERNOR. Ah, the devil take it, it's nice to be a general. They hang a
ribbon across your shoulders. What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or
the blue St. Andrew?

ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, of course.

GOVERNOR. What! My, you're aiming high. The red one is good, too. Why
does one want to be a general? Because when you go travelling, there are
always couriers and aides on ahead with "Horses"! And at the stations
they refuse to give the horses to others. They all wait, all those
councilors, captains, governors, and you don't take the slightest
notice of them. You dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the
town-governor—I'll keep him waiting at the door. Ha, ha, ha!
(He bursts
into a roar of laughter, shaking all over.)
That's what's so alluring,
confound it!

ANNA. You always like such coarse things. You must remember that our
life will have to be completely changed, that your acquaintances will
not be a dog-lover of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or a
Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will be people of the
most refined type, counts, and society aristocrats. Only really I am
afraid of you. You sometimes use words that one never hears in good
society.

GOVERNOR. What of it? A word doesn't hurt.

ANNA. It's all right when you are a town-governor, but there the life is
entirely different.

GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two kinds of fish there, the sea-eel
and the smelt, and before you start to eat them, the saliva flows in
your mouth.

ANNA. That's all he thinks about—fish. I shall insist upon our house
being the first in the capital and my room having so much amber in it
that when you come in you have to shut your eyes.
(She shuts her eyes
and sniffs.)
Oh, how good!

The same and the Merchants.

GOVERNOR. Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows?

MERCHANTS
(bowing)
. We wish you health, father.