The House of Roses (26 page)

“
Ella made it through the night,” Caitlin said, sounding exhausted. “I'm going to have some coffee, and take a shower, and then I'm going back with your mom.”

“
What about the twins?  And, speaking of them, shouldn't you be taking better care of yourself?”

“
I'm fine. I need to be there for Ella. Rita knows that. She's offered to watch the twins.”

“
How is Rita?”

“
She seems okay,” Caitlin replied.

“
Are you okay?” Nathan asked. The question had sounded stupid in his head, and equally so aloud.

“
No.”

“
What can I do?” Nathan asked.

“
I don't know,” Caitlin admitted, keeping her back to him. “I'm exhausted, hurt and betrayed, and scared as hell that Ella and I will never be able to make up for lost time.”

“
What did the doctor say?” Nathan asked.

“
The doctor said she's holding her own, whatever the hell that means. He said that Ella's had diabetes for a long time. Ella told me she hadn't been to the doctor in over two years, and she told Liz she knew something was wrong. She was scared, Nathan. So, she didn't go. Untreated diabetes causes a lot of problems, and in Ella's case it caused heart failure. The doctor also said she is at risk for another heart attack or a stroke. She needs surgery, but she isn't strong enough right now. If she gets better, they'll operate in a few days.”

“
That sounds bad, Cate.”

“
I know,” Caitlin said, as the coffee pot gurgled on the counter. “I feel helpless, Nathan. I wish I could do something, but I can't. All I can do is be there for her.”

“
Good morning,” Rita said, coming into the kitchen. She looked like a train wreck, and Nathan laughed before he could stop himself.

“
Thanks,” Rita said.

“
I'm sorry, Rita,” Nathan said. Rita paused to look at her reflection in the toaster, and shrugged. Her hair was sticking out everywhere, but it didn't look much worse than it normally did. She smoothed it back with her hands, and wrapped it with a rubber band she had in her pocket.

“
Better?” she asked, and Nathan nodded.

The baby monitor sparked to life. Someone was crying, and Nathan looked terrified.

“
I'll get them,” Caitlin offered, without so much as a glance at her mother.

“
How's it going, Rita?” Nathan asked, as Rita passed him a fresh mug of coffee. Nathan sipped at it greedily, and it burned his tongue.

“
Yeow!” he cried, and Rita rubbed his back.

“
Easy, tiger.”

“
Are you two okay, Rita?” Nathan asked softly. Rita sat beside him and sighed.

“
I don't know.”

“
I understand.”

“
I don't know if I can fix this, Nathan. Caitlin is hurt, and angry, and I did that. I did it, Nathan. I knew I should have told her. I should have told her as soon as she was old enough to understand. I cheated her, and I cheated Ella. I robbed them of the relationship they could have had, and now it might be too late.”

Nathan wasn't sure what to say. He simply looked at Rita with sympathy in his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he finally whispered.

“
Me too. I don't know what to do. You know Caitlin sat in that room with her all night. She just sat there watching Ella sleep. Your mom and I stayed in the waiting room down the hall. I checked on them a few times, and Caitlin was just sitting there holding Ella's hand. All night.”  

“
She's a good person, Rita. She'll find a way to make peace with all of this. You just need to give her time.”

“
All I ever wanted for Cate was calm seas, a life without storms.”

“
No one has that, Rita.”

“
I know. Look at us now.”

“
You'll be okay.”

“
I know, but I'm worried about Caitlin. I'm so worried, Nathan.”

Caitlin's voice sounded from the monitor. “You pooped in your hair, Rogan. How does someone poop in their hair?” Cate asked, and Nathan and Rita both smiled.

“
Glad I'm off duty for this one,” Nathan said with relief, and Rita nodded. The monitor grew quiet, and they both sat sipping coffee for several minutes.

“
I made a lot of mistakes, Nathan,” Rita said, sounding tired. “I tried to make us into a family. I wanted to give my daughter a sense of family. That's what I promised Ella I would do. Look at Caitlin now. She's a single mother with two little babies, grieving for the love she walked away from.”

Rita sighed, grateful the baby monitor only carried voices one way. She could still hear Caitlin taking care of the babies, allowing her a few more minutes to talk.

“
Rogan, how did you get poopie in your hair?” Caitlin's voice said through the baby monitor.

“
Her vocabulary is certainly improving with motherhood,” Nathan said, and Rita nearly choked on her coffee. The light moment passed immediately, and the conversation took on a serious tone once more.

“
I love her,” Rita said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “From the moment Ella laid her in my arms, I loved her. Still, I felt like a thief, Nathan. I felt like I had stolen Ella's happiness.”

“
I don't think Ella sees it that way,” Nathan said, sipping gently at the coffee.

“
Of course she doesn't. Ella isn't like that. I think it always hurt her, but she accepted it.”

“
Did you, Rita?”

“
I don't know. There is something between Cate and me, something I put there. Something born of guilt. I loved her, but I always felt guilty, like I didn't deserve her. But I do love her, Nate. I love her so much. “Do you think she knows how much?”

“
She knows,” Caitlin said, from the doorway. She held one baby in each arm. Rita stood and reached for her grandson. “She knows,” Caitlin whispered, putting her arm around Rita. Nathan smiled as he watched them. He glanced at the clock and yawned loudly.

“
You should get some rest, Nathan. Do you have to work today?” Caitlin asked.

“
I switched with someone. I'm gonna take a nap and go see Ella. I'll probably see you there later, if you go with my mother,” Nathan said to Caitlin.

“
You don't mind, Mom?” Caitlin asked, and Rita shook her head.

“
Not at all. The babies will be fine with me. I'll take them out to the shop with me. I'm just worried about you, Cate. You must be exhausted.”

“
I'll be fine. I'll sleep tonight, and I'll sleep better after I see Ella. I need to see her,” Caitlin said cautiously, and Rita nodded.

“
I'm here for you, Cate. Whatever you need,” Rita said softly.

Caitlin smiled a weak smile and sat beside her mother at the table. The phone rang, and Rogan let out a screech.

“
Okay, that's my cue. I'm off baby duty,” Nathan said. He crossed the room and planted a kiss on Caitlin's cheek.

“
Thank you again, Nathan,” she whispered.

He smiled at her, and hugged Rita. Rogan let out another fierce cry.

“
This one's gonna give you trouble,” Nathan said to Caitlin, who nodded in agreement.

Nathan disappeared out the door, leaving Rita and Caitlin alone in the kitchen. Rogan whimpered in his grandmother's arms, as she stood with the phone on her shoulder.

“
I'll let her know,” Rita said, before hanging up the phone. “Liz said she's going back about eleven. She'll call before she leaves the house.”

“
Okay,” Caitlin said, as Rogan let out another scream.

“
He's an unhappy boy,” Rita said, sounding as exhausted as Caitlin felt. 

“
Mom, do you still have a baby swing?  I remember you had one in the shop once. I never got one. Maybe Rogan would like that.”

“
It's in the storage shed. I can get it,” Rita offered, but Caitlin shook her head.

“
You do enough. I'll get it,” Caitlin said, as she laid her daughter in the stroller. Hannah just looked at her, and Caitlin watched as her daughter's eyelids fluttered, and then closed. “She's gonna be like Daddy. He could sleep anywhere,” Caitlin said, and Rita smiled at the memory. Rogan began to cry again and his mother looked exasperated. “Let's try that swing. I'll be right back,” Caitlin said, disappearing out the side door into the early morning mist.

The storage shed was only a few feet from the side of the house, and Caitlin reached it in less than a minute. The weathered door groaned in protest, and Caitlin reached into the darkness for the string she knew was attached to a single bulb in the shed.

“
Got it,” she said, as her fingers made contact with the string. The bulb came to life, illuminating the cluttered shed. “Lotta crap in here,” Caitlin whispered, as her eyes adjusted to the light. The swing was in the corner tucked behind an old bench. She reached down to move the bench, but something was wedged between its legs. It was a tiny cardboard box, and Caitlin picked it up, wiped the dust from its top, and gasped.

“
Margaret,” she whispered, reading the single word written on the box's cover. She felt like an intruder as she sat on the bench and laid the box in her lap. She knew she should set it aside, but she didn't. The tape came off easily, and Caitlin removed the top and set it on the floor at her feet. She pulled a small pink teddy bear from the box and held it to her chest. Her eyes filled as she imagined her mother and daddy packing the box so long ago. The contents must have been covered with their tears. Caitlin couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a child, and the thought made her sick. She had listened as Rita told her the story, but until this moment, it hadn't been real. She had a sister who had died. Caitlin's heart broke for her parents, and their loss, and she sat for several moments, crying and rocking back and forth, the pink bear held to her chest.

“
Are you all right?” Rita asked, and Caitlin jumped. Rita stood in the doorway holding the baby monitor. “I'd forgotten that was in here,” she said, and Caitlin looked away.

“
I'm sorry, Mom. I shouldn't have opened it.”

“
It's okay, Cate,” Rita said, sitting beside her daughter on the old bench.

“
I brought her home in this,” Rita said, pulling a pink sweater from the box. “She was so tiny. She was like Hannah.”

“
I am so sorry, Mom. I can't imagine what it did to you, to lose her. And then you kept her a secret, like she didn't exist at all. That must have been so painful for you. I really am sorry.”

“
I'm sorry too, Cate. Margaret was so sick, and so small, and I knew she was going to die, and I just sat there holding her day and night. There wasn't anything we could do. We just sat, and waited, knowing what was coming.”

“
Oh, Mommy,” Caitlin said, as she began to sob into her mother's shoulder.

Rita took her daughter in her arms, and together they wept for the child Rita had lost, and the sister Caitlin had never known. And although there was still tension, they were joined in their sorrow, and something between them began to heal.

“
We should go back inside. Bring the box, honey. I'd like to go through it. I think there are some things there I'd like your children to have.”

“
I like this pink bear,” Caitlin said, sounding like a child. “Can I have this, Mom?”

Rita smiled. “Of course, Cate. I wanted you to have it when you were a baby, but I couldn't bring myself to give it to you.”

“
I'll take good care of it.” Caitlin said, pulling it to her chest. She pulled the swing from behind the bench and followed her mother out of the small shed.

“
Mom?”

“
Hmm?”

“
Where's Margaret buried?”

“
With Grandma and Grandpa in Philadelphia.”

“
I'd like to visit her grave, Mom. Maybe I could take the babies to Philadelphia next summer. I'd like you to go with me.”

“
I'd like that, Cate.”

Thirty-two

The sun blazed over Manhattan, creating an effect meteorologists called Indian Summer. Despite the beauty of the day, Colin Thomas was troubled. His flight landed just before dawn, and he'd gone to his condo, tried to sleep, then abandoned the idea after staring at the ceiling for more than an hour. He thought a swift jog would tire him to the point where he could nap. He looked forward to seeing Rosario and Mia that evening, but the news they'd share with the child weighed heavy on his heart.
How did one tell a child her mother was dying? 
It was the question he asked himself again and again as he jogged through Central Park. Other joggers passed him, and some raised their hands in greeting, but Colin didn't see them. He was deep in thought as he ran at a steady pace. He had distanced himself considerably from the world around him, which was likely why he didn't see the blond woman approaching, and the leash connecting her to the small puppy who waddled by her side. The leash caught him at his right ankle, and only then did he reconnect with his surroundings. They passed by him in an abstract fashion, as he tumbled to the ground.