The House of Roses (25 page)

“
I wish they were.”

“
Of course you do, but we don't get to decide that”

“
Don't you think I know that?  I'm a doctor,” he replied, and his words were sharp, surprising him. “I'm sorry,” he whispered

“
It's okay. It's been a hell of a couple of days for you. What's on your agenda for tomorrow?  Right back to work, I suppose.”

“
No. I'm actually going to start planning this all out tomorrow. I have vacation time coming, and some favors I could call in if I need someone to cover for me. I need to look for a bigger place, but I'm not sure of the timing of everything because no one really knows when Rosario is going to.......”

Aunt Sadie reached for Colin's hand, and watched as his eyes grew sad.

“
How do you finish a sentence like that?  How do you survive a thought like that?” he asked, surprised when his eyes filled. “I am bringing a woman into my home to die, Aunt Sadie. I know I'm a doctor, but this is different, this is personal. I don't want that woman to die in the hospital. I want her to die someplace with people who care about her, with her daughter near her.”

“
Do you think that's best for the child?”

“
How the hell would I know?  I don't have any kids. I have never done anything like this. What the hell in God's name am I doing?” he asked his aunt. The confidence of their conversation on the patio had vanished, and in its place was panic and terror.

His aunt reached for his hand again, but Colin stood and began to pace in the dining room. She pulled her hand back, and folded both of them in her lap.

“
Are you all right, Colin?” she asked.

“
I don't know,” he replied, not turning to look at her. “Maybe you were right. Maybe I haven't thought this through. You know how you said I'm as good a man as my father?” he asked, finally turning and making eye contact with his aunt. She nodded in response, but said nothing. “I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure about anything all of the sudden.”  Colin sat back in the chair across from his aunt, and softly he wept.

“
Hey,” his aunt whispered, and he looked at her, his cheeks wet with fresh tears.

“
What?” he said softly, dragging his arm across his eyes.

“
No one is sure about anything, Colin. Maybe it's about time you did something you weren't sure about. That's how a life is woven, son. People do things they're not sure about, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes the decisions are wrong, but you sometimes learn more from the wrong ones. You're not a kid, Colin. You're hardly too young and immature to be a father. I think you have a lot to offer a child.”

“
This isn't how I thought I'd get one,” he said, and Aunt Sadie smiled.

“
Of course not. This is extraordinary, Colin. This is the kind of thing you see on Oprah. But, I'm going to ask you a question, perhaps the most important question I could ask. Do you think you can love this child?”

“
I already do,” Colin offered, and although his eyes were still sad, the corners of his mouth turned involuntarily into a  weak smile. “I just feel sick over her mother.”

“
You can't change what's happening to her. You can change what's happening to her child.”

“
I know. I want to do this.”

“
I can tell.”

“
I don't want to be ordinary. I want to do something extraordinary.”

“
You're hardly ordinary, Colin,” Aunt Sadie said, defending her nephew.

“
That's not really what I mean. I need something in my life, something other than my work. I know Mia needs me, but I think I might need her more.”

Aunt Sadie smiled at her nephew, and pride shone in her eyes. He was a grown man, but she suddenly felt as though she were looking at a young boy uncertain of his future, and genuinely frightened. She was glad he was doing something that scared him so. It was those things that made a life truly extraordinary, and anything less was less than her nephew deserved. He was a good man, as good a man as his father, and because he didn't know this, because he doubted himself, and felt humility instead of arrogance, it made him a great man.

***

Ella Simons had known a great man. She had loved a great man, a man who was wonderful to his core, and his amazing qualities, the things she had truly loved about him, had been handed down to the child they had made, the child who sat beside her, holding tightly to her hand.

“
Are you okay?” Caitlin asked, and Ella nodded. “That's not what Liz said,” Caitlin added, and Ella grimaced in response.

“
I'm okay, no matter what the doctors say,” Ella replied, reaching out to touch her daughter's face. “You are so beautiful, Cate,” Ella said, and Caitlin forced a weak smile. “You were such a beautiful child.”

“
I saw a picture of you in Mom's photo album. I look like you.”

“
I know.”

“
Didn't that make you sad?  Weren't you sad every time you saw me?  How did you do that, Ella?  I don't understand,” Caitlin questioned, and Ella paused, choosing her words carefully.

“
I knew I had done the right thing. No matter how much it hurt me.”

“
You never doubted it?  You never wanted to go back and change things?”

“
Well, of course I did, Caitlin. We all want to do that. We're human, and humans often wish they could turn back the clock and do things differently. The one thing I wanted to change more than anything, was the one thing I couldn't. I wanted Charles to be alive.”

“
Was he a good person, my real father?”

“
Oh heavens, child. He was a great man. I met him at a picnic I had gone to with Liz. From that first moment, I knew I would love him.”

“
I felt that way about Colin. I saw him across the room at a party, and he was so handsome, and he smiled at me. It was like he was just happy to see me there, not like he wanted to pick me up.”

“
And did he?” Ella asked.

“
Did he what?”

“
Did he pick you up that same night?”

“
No. We talked for hours, and eventually I asked him out to dinner. I asked, he said yes. We had our first date the following night.”

“
That's nice when it happens that way, when it's easy,” Ella offered, looking nostalgic.

“
It was easy, for a long time. Then it got hard, and then it ended.”

“
Did you want him to go?”

“
No,” Caitlin whispered.

“
Did you tell him that?”

“
No.”

“
Cate, I thought you were a smart girl. How did you let that happen?”

“
I don't know. It was easier to let him go than to fight.”

“
And you think it's better not to fight for something?” Ella asked, and Caitlin shook her head.

“
No. I think people should fight. I gave up on us. You won't give up, will you, Ella?”

“
Of course not,” Ella said, sounding weak.

“
Good, because I don't want you to die,” Caitlin said, her words coming out in a small sob.

“
Oh, child. I don't want to die either, but everyone dies, Caitlin. It's not about when we die, it's about how we lived while we were here.”

“
I know,” Caitlin choked.

“
My body's worn out before its time. I was a bad girl. I knew a while ago something was wrong, but it was easier to let it go.”

“
Letting things go must be in our DNA,” Caitlin said.

“
Well, then I think we should change that, Cate. Have you spoken to your young man?” Ella asked, watching as Caitlin tensed.

“
He's not mine anymore.”  Caitlin lifted her right hand to swipe at the tears in her eyes. Ella could see the pain there. For several seconds neither woman said anything, until finally Caitlin began to tell her real mother the story of Colin at the hospital, with the little girl and the beautiful woman.

“
Maybe she was a patient,” Ella offered, and Caitlin arched a brow at her. She hadn't considered that. Her wounded heart had simply jumped to conclusions.

“
No, there was too much familiarity. There was something so natural, so comfortable about the way they were together, as if they shared a great secret, or other things lovers share.”  Caitlin felt her heart nearly break and she began to cry again. She couldn't imagine Colin in another woman's arms, in the pretty woman's arms, and it made her physically sick to think of it.

“
Oh, Cate,” Ella said, reaching out to take her daughter's hand. “So lost in this life, you are. So much to go forward for, but you can't let go of the past.”

“
Did you?” Caitlin asked, and Ella flinched slightly.

“
Enough to accept things. It's all we can ever do.”

“
I can't live without him,” Caitlin said in a whimper.

“
Of course you can. You are.”

“
You're supposed to be the hopeless romantic. Don't you have any words of wisdom, Ella?”

“
You didn't let me finish.”

“
Sorry.”

“
You can live without him. You are living without him. But, you don't have to, Caitlin, and you don't have to go back to get him. Go forward, and find a way to connect with him again.”

“
Sounds so easy.”

“
It's not, but it's worth it. Love is the only thing worth fighting for.”

“
I think you're right,” Caitlin said, as Ella's eyes fluttered.

“
I need to sleep a bit,” Ella whispered. “Will you sit with me for a while?”

“
Of course,” Caitlin said. She sat for a long time in the dark, listening to Ella's even breathing. Eventually Caitlin lowered her head, although not to sleep. Instead she prayed, asking God for the strength to accept the past, and for Ella to be with them in the future.  

Thirty-one

Nathan Parker had one hell of a long night. His daughter Erica was an adolescent, and he'd long since forgotten what it was like to take care of infants. He'd had little sleep, and was due to report to work later in the day. If he didn't get a few minutes to close his eyes, he wouldn't be worth a shit.

He sat in Rita Holling's kitchen, gripping a cup of instant Maxwell House, with the intensity of one who was desperate. And, he was. If the coffee didn't kick in before the baby monitor blared to life, he was afraid he might have to call for back-up.

His head lolled forward, until it was resting on his chest, and immediately he was asleep. As he often did, he dreamed of his wife. In the dream, she was young, like when they'd first met. He remembered her toenails had been painted pink. She had been wearing white sandals and a little blue dress. It had been a breezy day, and the gentle wind had captured her perfume, a soft lilac scent, and had carried it to him. He had been mesmerized, and had taken her in with all of his senses. She was beautiful, and she smiled at him the first time she saw him, with a smile that had been inside of her for twenty-two years, a smile reserved for just the right man. For Nathan. He reached for her and their fingers nearly touched. The dream was always the same. Every time, he nearly touched her.

From somewhere just outside consciousness, he thought he heard the front door open and close.

“
Nathan,” someone whispered, and he smiled in his sleep.

“
Patticakes,” Nathan whispered, using the nickname he had called his wife.

Caitlin, who was standing over him, inhaled sharply. He was dreaming of his wife.

“
Nathan,” the voice said again, and hesitantly Nathan Parker opened his eyes, but sleep called him quickly back. He wanted to hang onto the dream, to hang onto the memory, and to defy what was possible, to bring Patti back with him. He couldn't, but he always held part of her with him. The love remained. The love they'd shared stayed with him always. He fought against exhaustion and the lure of the dream, until finally he opened his eyes. Caitlin sat beside him, holding tightly to his hand.

“
Good morning,” Caitlin whispered, and Nathan yawned loudly.

“
Wow, you look as bad as I feel,” he said without thinking. Immediately, he apologized. “Sorry, Cate. How'd it go?” he asked, as Caitlin moved across the kitchen in search of the coffee pot.