The Honeywood Files (26 page)

Messrs. Russ & Co. are dealing with Mr. Snitch. With reference to Messrs. Nibnose & Rasper, I apprehend that you have noted my asseveration that I have given you no authority to agree any sum in disbursement for compensation. At the same time I desire you to proceed with negotiations directed to determining what amount will satisfy these people’s demands. The proposal must then be submitted for consideration to Mr. Russ.

Yours sincerely,

Here is a return to sanity!

SPINLOVE TO BRASH

Dear Sir Leslie Brash, 10.12.25.

I am very sorry to know you have been so poorly and hope you are all right again now.

I saw Mr. Nibnose to-day. He is hurt at the way he has been treated and was inclined to be stiff, but he is a fair-dealing man and, of course, I had plenty to say of the irregularity of the contract arrangement. Finally he agreed to accept £25, in full settlement as a “friendly compromise,” on the understanding that if the money is not paid within seven days his offer is to be deemed to have been refused.

I did full justice to your views, but was only able to lead Mr. Nibnose to make this offer by telling him that if he did so I thought he might regard the matter as settled. This was the best I could do and I think you will be wise to accept, for I believe it is your only chance of an amicable settlement.

Yours sincerely,

Spinlove seems to have managed well and his letter is, for a change, strictly to the point.

Christmas is approaching and on the morning of the contract date for completion Spinlove receives missives twain of good cheer from Grigblay. The first is as follows:

GRIGBLAY TO SPINLOVE

Dear Sir, 10.12.25.

We have received notice from Mr. Potch, District Surveyor, refusing certificate of occupation on ground that window in bedroom No. 5 is not of area required by by-laws. This is the room which was made larger by moving partition to the orders of her Ladyship.

Yours faithfully,

It seems we have not yet heard the last of Lady Brash’s famous big wardrobe. By enlarging the room to receive it, the floor area has been increased to more than ten times the window area, which is the maximum allowed by the by-laws, and it seems Spinlove overlooked this.

The second message of good tidings is more diffuse, but it does not lack sap.

(CONFIDENTIAL) GRIGBLAY TO SPINLOVE

Sir, 10.12.25.

I think best to send you a private word that we are going to have a serious trouble with this paint of the old gentleman’s. If you ask me I should say that this new novelty super-paint is a bit too new, a lot too much of a novelty and, if you will pardon me, a damned sight too super, and I think that Sir Leslie Brash who ordered it ought to put on his best spectacles and have a good look to see how he likes it before we go on and finish. As you know I refused responsibility, and I also kept the men’s time from the start, and lucky for me for this job is going to cost someone a bit of money.

The painters say the stuff is treacly and don’t smell natural, though it flows nicely after the brush and no complaints; but from what our painter told Bloggs I had a good look into things to-day and it’s like this. A coat goes on and dries hard and quick, but when the next follows it seems to soften the coat below, and the more coats the worse it gets, at least that’s the best I can make of it. As you know, we have four coats on most parts and the finish on one or two doors, and on kitchen and lavatory walls. It seems fairly hard and has a nice oily gloss and a good surface, but if you look closely there is a rim of paint hanging along the bottom edge of doors and bulging out along top of skirtings of painted walls, and where the light is reflected you can make out a kind of a drag and ripple in the surface, in places. In my belief the paint is beginning to creep; it may be hard, but so is bitumen hard and bitumen will flow out like honey give it time. This is only beginning and it isn’t going to stop and we shall have R.N.N.S.P. creeping out over the carpets in a few months or I’m mistaken.

It would suit me best to finish and leave Sir Leslie Brash to settle with the manufacturer, but that would be just so much waste, for when you go down you will see what I say is right. I haven’t squirted any boiling acids at it nor yet french polished, but if that is to be done it had ought to be soon before Riddoppo super crawls out of the front door and off home, which is about what it’s aiming for.

Perhaps Sir, you will let me know what you would wish me to do, as there is no call to have more trouble than can be helped and I gather the paint is no concern of yours any more than mine.

You will pardon me troubling you but thought it might help to keep things straight.

Yours faithfully,

This letter is an autograph, as were the other friendly messages that have engaged Grigblay’s evenings with such advantage to Spinlove.

SPINLOVE TO POTCH
,
DISTRICT SURVEYOR

Sir, 12.12.25.

I am informed by the builder that you have refused certificate of occupation for house at Honeywood on the ground that the window in bedroom No. 5 is not the minimum size required by by-laws. It is true that this room has been increased in size since the plans were approved, but I must point out that the glass area is still more than one-tenth of floor area: viz: glass— three times 3’ 6” x 1’ 4”= 15 feet; area of floor 10’ 9” x 12’= 129 ft.

Yours faithfully,

BRASH TO SPINLOVE

Dear Mr. Spinlove, 13.12.25.

I have desired Messrs. Russ & Co. to transmit cheque for £25 to Messrs Nibnose & Rasper as a “friendly compromise” in ultimate liquidation and final settlement of their iniquitously monstrous and fraudulent claim. I never so resentfully grudged disbursing a remunerative payment more than in this instance, but as Mr. Russ, after his interview with you, confirms endorsement of your opinion, I have no other alternative course but to stand and deliver.

Yours sincerely,

GRIGBLAY TO SPINLOVE

Dear Sir, 13.12.25.

I write to call your attention to the Riddoppo paint which was ordered by Sir Leslie Brash. This is showing signs of creeping and we are afraid the trouble is only beginning. We are going on with the painting, as ordered, until we receive other directions.

Yours faithfully,

Appearances are that Spinlove has had a talk with Grigblay and arranged that he shall write this formal notification. It is to be observed that in this matter Spinlove is not responsible to Brash, who ordered the paint himself contrary to his architect’s advice. Grigblay, as we see, takes the position of being a disinterested person, and Spinlove will be wise to do the same or he may, before he knows it, fasten responsibility upon himself by one of those redundancies which are so characteristic of his letters.

SPINLOVE TO BRASH

Dear Sir Leslie Brash, 16.12.25.

I enclose copy of letter I have received from Mr. Grigblay, and await your instructions. I understand that by “creeping” is meant that the paint is slowly flowing down the walls, doors, etc.

Yours sincerely,

Spinlove is justly entitled to disclaim responsibility, but if he had any sense of humour—and we know he has none—he could not blandly have passed the matter over to Brash without full explanation. Spinlove’s original objection was rather to the scheme of decorations than to the risk of the paint’s failure, as paint: and Brash has good cause for grievance that he was not particularly warned of that risk. It is true he would probably, in giving rein to his temper, have scorned the advice, but he can none the less complain that he was never given a chance of doing so. Spinlove’s excuse, of course, is ignorance: he has not had the experience which would have made unnecessary the experience he is now getting.

BRASH TO SPINLOVE

Dear Mr. Spinlove, 18.12.25.

I do not precisely apprehend why you refer Mr. Grigblay’s objection to the super-paint to me. That is a matter of technical craftsmanship upon which I anticipate you are competent to adjudicate. I am aware that Mr. Grigblay has all along evinced a protracted resistance opposed to Riddoppo, but after viewing the edifice to-day I can only asseverate—with my respects to Mr. Grigblay and acknowledgments to yourself—that I never viewed a more smooth or glossy or delightfully-tinted surface colouring. I desire that you will direct Mr. Grigblay to proceed with the work, and oblige me by desisting from making these obstructive representations.

Yours sincerely,

SPINLOVE TO POTCH

Sir, 20.12.25.

Permit me to remind you that I have received no reply to my letter of eight days ago. The builder informs me that no certificate has been received by him. As the owner intends to occupy the house very shortly I shall be obliged by your attention to the matter.

Yours faithfully,

POTCH TO SPINLOVE

Sir, 18.12.25.

I duly received your favour informing me that three times 3’ 6” into 1’ 4” makes 15 feet, but did not understand you wanted me to check same for you. Unfortunately my Council does not allow me to use up their time teaching London architects to square dimensions, but to oblige you my office boy has kindly gone over and makes it 14.

I am, sir,

Yours faithfully,

As Potch’s principle is always to hit below the belt, he will feel he has fetched Spinlove a walloper—and even Spinlove must admit a touch.

SPINLOVE TO POTCH

Sir, 19.12.25.

The slip was perfectly obvious and whether 14 or 15 feet is of no kind of consequence. You admit the window area is 14 ft. and floor area 129, and I must ask for certificate without more delay or I shall apply to your Council’s Clerk.

Yours faithfully,

POTCH TO SPINLOVE

Sir, 29.12.25.

I have received your letter stating I agree your measurements of floor and window at Honeywood, but can find no record of agreement in this office and shall be glad of reference and date as my assistant says nothing on files.

I am, Sir,

Yours faithfully,

This is a mere quibble intended to obstruct and annoy.

SPINLOVE TO POTCH

Sir, 31.12.25.

I understood you accepted the figures I gave—namely, 14 ft. super for the window and 129 ft. for the floor of bedroom. I must ask you either to forward certificate without delay or appoint someone to agree dimensions on the spot.

Yours faithfully,

SPINLOVE TO BRASH

Dear Sir Leslie Brash, 31.12.25.

The holiday has prevented my replying sooner to your letter.

It is well understood by Mr. Grigblay and myself that the Riddoppo paint is being used by your orders and under your responsibility, and it would suit Mr. Grigblay to finish the painting and have done with it. He pointed out to me what he thinks to be a serious defect and I considered it my duty to report his views, which are quite disinterested, to you. I agree that, superficially, the finished painting looks well; the work has been carefully and skilfully done. It requires a practised eye to notice the defect, but apparently a creeping action has begun. If you look at the bottoms of doors and along tops of skirtings below painted walls you will see rims of paint, and a drag or ripple in the surface can also be discerned in places. Mr. Grigblay thinks the defect will increase. The painting is being proceeded with, as you ask.

With best wishes to Lady Brash and yourself for the New Year.

Yours sincerely,

This is an adequate and wary letter. Spinlove does well to make no recommendation. To do so would associate him with future difficulties and, in fact, no one except the manufacturers of the paint can advise Brash.

POTCH TO SPINLOVE

Sir, 31.12.25.

I do not know what sort of foot rule you use but I go by English Standard (Pinchlocks’ Double Folding Pocket 4s. 3d.); and suggest you get a new tape as yours is stretched.

My inspector notes glass—three times 3’ 5” into 1’ 3”= 12’ 10”; floor 10’ 11” x 12’ 2”=132.’

I am, Sir,

Yours faithfully,

The measure 12 ft. 10 in., by the system employed in building operations, represents 12 feet superficial and 10/12 of a superficial foot or 12 5/6 feet super; actually, 12 square feet and 120 square inches.

SPINLOVE TO GRIGBLAY

Dear Sir, 1.1.26.

I enclose copies of letter to the District Surveyor and his reply. My measures are taken from the half inch joinery detail, and from brick dimensions of room, allowing 2” on each wall for plaster and skirting. Will you ask your foreman to check my figures against Mr. Potch’s and let me know where the discrepancy is.
Urgent.

Yours faithfully,

BRASH TO SPINLOVE

Dear Mr. Spinlove, 2.1.26.

I must request to be permitted to reiterate over again that I am not equipped to adjudicate in a technical matter appertaining to craftsmanship and which I apprehend belongs to the province of my professional adviser—by which term I designate yourself—to see that the painters perform their functions in an efficient manner.

I again inspected the mansion yesterday and Mr. Bloggs indicated what he deemed irregularities but which are, I apprehend, of quite immaterial significance.

With reciprocations of your seasonable good wishes from Lady Brash and myself,

Yours sincerely,

Most lordly and most melancholy! Brash’s self-sufficiency will not allow him to “apprehend” the facts.

SPINLOVE TO BRASH

Dear Sir Leslie Brash, 4.1.26.

My services are, of course, entirely at your disposal but I am unable to tell Mr. Grigblay how to deal with the defective paint for I know nothing of Riddoppo, which as you are aware, is a “new novelty super-paint compounded of new secret ingredients.” You will recall that I advised against its use and that neither Mr. Grigblay nor myself were able to accept responsibility for it. The blemish is, so far, inconspicuous, but it may be a symptom of inherent defects.

Yours sincerely,

Spinlove here is “reiterating over again” the very thing Brash has asked him to “desist from intimating,” but his tenacity is here very much to the point. When Riddoppo begins to “crawl out of the front door and off home”—as Grigblay expects it one day will—this letter will safeguard Spinlove from being involved in the catastrophe. The very long head James wears through these interchanges he owes, no doubt, to Grigblay having “put him wise,” as they say in America.