The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (20 page)

“
Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.” —Josh Billings

Individuality brings spice to the life of a family. Every member of your family came wrapped in a package—just like the presents we open on holidays—and each has hidden gifts waiting to be discovered. In large part, children learn about themselves from how their families treat them. Many families attempt to build their identity by saying, “We are all alike.” But no family is made up of members who are completely alike. And trying to institute an ideal of conformity doesn’t promote healthy individual development. It’s important to recognize each member’s unique talents and what each has to offer.

One of the best ways to do things is through fun. Laughter and good times bring families together and teach innies the rewards of relating. They also create a storehouse of positive, warm memories from which to draw. Try to plan outings or activities that your innie will enjoy. Innies enjoy places we often think of as for adults, such as quiet parks, gardens, and nature sanctuaries. Innies love to hear about their family genealogy; they like to visit a parent’s childhood home, look at old family pictures, and visit cemeteries where their ancestors were buried. They enjoy small, less tiring, and often quirky museums, like an old car or plane museum, their town’s historical museums, famous writers’ homes such as the writer Jack London’s Wolf House (now old ruins). They might want to investigate historical places such as a stagecoach museum, ride a canal boat, watch cranes and bulldozers at work, or go to an adult art museum and visit one exhibit—especially if it has audio tapes that tell about the artist.

And sometimes they’ll want to stay home when the whole family goes on an outing. That’s okay, too.

Simple Pleasures

Here are some things I’ve enjoyed doing with my family. See if they spark some ideas for you and your family.

• Taking a bag of pennies to a fountain or pond and giving each person a few to wish on. Have your kids share pennies with any other children who happen to be there.

• Feeding ducks, birds, or (if there’s a farm nearby) goats.

• Taking a walk around the block and having each person point out what they like best about different yards and houses. You might not have known you had such varied tastes!

• Collecting leaves, pods, and twigs and decorating the dinner table for a festive meal.

• Going fishing. Each child can document the trip with a disposable camera.

• Creating a family fun night and making a collage that describes the outing.

• Letting each child be in charge of planning and (if old enough) cooking, or helping to cook, dinner once a week.

• Making papier-mâché masks of one another. We decorate them and hang them in the hallway or along the staircase wall.

I have introverted clients now in their fifties and sixties who remember cooking with a grandparent, making crafts with their mom, or learning to knit from an aunt. These small moments mean a lot to innies—although you may not know it for years! Pack every child’s memory bank with fun times, a spirit of cooperation, and a sense of belonging on the family team. Innies will wear your family identity like a badge of pride.

Make Everyone Count

“
Cooperation is spelled with two letters. WE.” —George M. Verity

Innies like to be appreciated and needed. If they’re not treated harshly, they tend to be naturally cooperative—most of the time, of course. Encourage each member’s contribution to the family. Ask for your children’s opinions and ideas, and come up with age-appropriate ways for them to help out. All kids love to do real jobs; it makes them feel grown-up. Ask your two-or three-year-old innie to empty the clothes dryer, give the cat dry food, or dust the tables with a dust cloth or feather duster. Two-year-old Emily had the biggest smile on her face I had ever seen as she staggered in one Sunday morning lugging the newspaper, which was about as big as she was. Contributing to the family tells your child, “You are capable. You can contribute. We need you.”

Our grandson, age eight, enjoys the suds-and-warm-water-play of washing a few dishes. He was annoyed with us once recently when he came over to visit and we hadn’t left the dirty dishes for him to do!

Ways for Innies to Help Out

Give a preschooler a job around the house:
dusting, tearing lettuce for salad, throwing away trash, setting the table, and washing spoons.

Have school-aged innies help with more advanced chores
: cooking, folding, and delivering laundry, gathering dirty clothes, taking sheets off the bed, and making their own lunches. Acknowledge a good job (it doesn’t need to be perfect) and make an effort to ensure the experience is pleasant and cooperative. (You wash, and I’ll dry; you stack the dishes, and I’ll put them away.) Be sure your
innie has a say in some of the chores selected for her, and change chores every few months.

Discuss with your child a problem you are having and ask for suggestions:
Innies of all ages reflect on their experiences. They are gifted observers and insightful problem solvers. They can imagine impending situations and replay their past experiences. But an innie’s insights can remain buried underground unless someone asks for his reflections. He won’t even know he has this valuable advantage! Ask him for his thoughts and suggestions about daily family problems.

Start asking him early. One of my clients asked her six-year-old son, Leo, if he had any secrets for easing a nervous tummy before talking in front of a group. Leo said, “Well, I can lend you my worry stone. You tuck it in your pocket. Anytime you start to feel butterflies in your tummy, you rub the smooth coolness. It really helps.” Leo’s mom had no idea he was using this trick when he had to speak in front of his class! Remember to give your innie time to think about the problem. Acknowledge any idea he gives you (even if you don’t use it). “Thanks, I think the worry stone will help me, and I’ll think of you.”

Discuss with your child a problem that another child is having and ask for suggestions:
I often ask introverted children and teens I work with about problems they have had, or a problem they still struggle with. I ask what they think I should suggest to
other
kids or parents who are having a similar problem. For instance, I’ll say, “Devon is seven and he doesn’t talk much. Any ideas about what might help him?” “I had that problem when I was young,” says twelve-year-old Jon. “My dad and I started walking around the block and talking every other night. The walking seemed to help me talk. I talk much easier now.” Jon pauses to think and continues: “Another thing that helped me when I was younger was the ‘Penny for Your Thoughts Bank’ my mom made for me. I jotted down an important thought, idea, or question and slipped it into the bank. Later when mom and I talked I could fish one out for discussion. That way I didn’t lose my thoughts and Mom gave me pennies for my wishing bank.” “Thanks, Jon,” I say. “I am going to share your ideas with Devon.”

I asked seventeen-year-old Trisha for some teen dating advice: “Sharat wants to go to the prom but she doesn’t have a date, and she doesn’t want to go with a big group. Any ideas?” “Well,” Trisha said, “I helped on the prom refreshment committee and by the time the prom rolled around, I knew so many kids I felt okay going alone. We took turns manning the goody table. It was fun to be in a group, but I wasn’t tied down. We could leave after our half-hour shift. We all hung together though. I know girls who ask their best friends to go to the prom. One of my friends asked her friend’s brother, who was a quiet college guy. He hadn’t gone to his own prom and so he had fun going to hers.” “Thanks,” I said. “Those are good ideas, I’ll pass them on.”

Share Your Life Stories

“
Plant magic in a child’s mind.” —Thomas W. Phelan

We’ve explored the importance of conversation with your introverted child. But sometimes we forget the importance of talking
to
our children, of telling them our life stories, and sharing our opinions and thoughts. Here’s an example that shows how hungry an innie might be to learn more about others’ inner lives.

I have been working with twelve-year-old Jennifer for the better part of a year. She always looks glum as she reluctantly enters my office and flops down in the glider chair, ignoring the art supplies laid out for her. She twists her long hair around her finger and occasionally peers up at me with challenging eyes. She responds to every question I ask with “Yes,” “No,” and her favorite, “I don’t know.”

Jennifer’s parents want her to be outgoing like her brothers and sister. “She’s just lazy,” her mother tells me. “She doesn’t want to do anything.” The truth is that Jennifer, the only introvert in the family, is starving for deeper interaction. Yet she is so defensive that it’s hard to
get through to her. I buy preteen magazines and we talk about the pictures. I ask her what she likes, what she doesn’t like. I ask her to show me how to use my cell phone. She does a good job of teaching me (no small thing—I’m technically impaired). She’s pleasant and cordial, but I still have the feeling that I’m bumping against some wall.

One day I bring in a book of family history questions that people use to interview their relatives. I pick two questions to ask her, and she picks two questions to ask me. She surprises me and picks “Did your grandparents tell you any family stories?” So I talk. I tell her how my grandmother described the choppy crossing on the
Scandinavia
from Denmark to the United States. She listens and asks more questions. Then she tells me that she enjoyed reading Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books when she was young. We are having a real conversation. Something has shifted between us.

In trying to bring out a reticent innie, many parents make the mistake of assuming that it’s most important that
she
talk. They try to chip information out of their child, as if with a pickax. But communication goes two ways. Often, introverted children need the opportunity to ask
the other person
questions rather than be put on the spot. This offers a way out of her mind and a way into other people’s experiences. For other peoples’ lives interest her. And listening to another person’s story builds her confidence so that she feels more comfortable talking.

Adult Anchors

“
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.” —Alexandra Penney

A well-functioning family, like a well-planned garden, should conform to a few basic design principles. One is that every garden has an anchor—a focal point that establishes harmony between all the various elements. Family relationships follow similar psychological
design rules. Countless studies have shown that the parents’ relationship functions as an anchor for the family, lending stability.

The strength of the parents’ bond is the foundation for building all other family relationships. Children learn about compatibility, caring behaviors, mutual respect, and problem solving from the examples their parents have set. Families today come in many configurations, but one fact holds true. It isn’t
who they are
, it’s how parents
treat each other
that sets the stage for what their children learn about relating. All relationships have differences. It is the way those differences are handled that teaches children how to value family.

Keep your adult relationship well nourished by planning date nights and child-free weekends and by going out with other couples. Appreciate small moments you share together—remarking on a cute thing your child does, telling a joke you heard at work, or simply enjoying the fleeting moments when you are actually alone. Remember that in long-term relationships we like each other better on some days than on others. Handling disagreements with respect, humor, and openness is vital to a relationship. And you don’t have to remove yourselves from the rest of the family in order to do it. Negotiating differences provides a great example for your children to learn from. Innies are often wary of conflict. It helps them feel safe to see that their parents can handle some friction and still enjoy each other’s company.

A solid partnership creates a sturdy but flexible bridge that can span temperament differences. There’s room for all family variations. You and your partner will represent different points on the temperament continuum; even if you’re both innies or outies, you have different salient aspects to your personalities. Your introverted child, perhaps more than your other kids, will notice how you and your partner behave. Innies watch how their parents act around each other, and they notice subtle social cues. They will internalize the relational skills they observe in the family. Later, they can pack them up and take them along with them to use in their own social lives. It’s a great gift you can give them.

A Special Family Issue: Adoption

Nothing reveals more about the power of genetics than adoption. Children who are adopted often have different temperaments from those in their new family. For this reason, it’s important to pay special attention to your adopted child’s traits. Interestingly, it’s often easier for adoptive parents to appreciate different temperaments. Biological parents of introverted children may feel shame or guilt about their children’s inward nature. Adoptive parents usually don’t feel responsible for temperament. One extroverted mom I worked with said to me, “If Dan had been my biological child I would have felt it was my fault he is so quiet, but since he’s adopted I feel like it’s his natural personality. My biological daughter is very outgoing.”

In a study of identical twins raised apart, researchers found that one child was raised in a family of professors and that she was a voracious reader. When they located her twin sister, they found that she was a constant reader, too. The surprise was that she was raised in a family with little interest in reading. Yet in grade school, of her own volition, she took three buses to get to her town’s main library.